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Mixing slow and fast time

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
I'd like some feedback on a detail I began pondering. Please consider the following section:

Amanda giggled. “You'd make a great secret agent Enar. I could never believe you were a cop.”
“Thanks...” Enar frowned. “I think.”
She patted him on the shoulder. “Relax. I'm just messing with you.”
Smiling, Amanda snatched the last bit of the sandwich from his hand, turned around, and continued up the path. Enar just stood there, staring after her, with his empty hand forgotten halfway to his mouth.
Eventually —- mere moments later —- he shrugged and hurried after her.

What I'm wondering here is if the last sentence works for you or if it's just confusing/messy?

The word eventually is usually associated with something that happens after a period of time has passed. It implies waiting; it's a slow word.
Contrast that with mere moments later, which is a fast sequence.

What I'm going for is that for Enar it feels like a lot of time is passing, when it really isn't.
Another way of writing it might be "After a moment that felt like an eternity..." but that doesn't really fit with how I'm expressing myself in the rest of the story.

Do you have any other suggestions or thoughts?
 

skip.knox

toujours gai, archie
Moderator
My first reaction is: why is it important for him to feel like a long time passed? Second reaction: there's not much reaction. He just stands there, staring, but we don't feel any emotions. Is he staring in disbelief? Anger? Is he ogling? Without anything to hang onto, we don't know the reason for the time dilation, so it merely reads odd. Instead of action-reaction, you have action-action.

If it's important to the story, then you might linger on the watching. He notices things, thinks things. Then when he snaps out of it, it's been mere moments and he hurries after. If it's not important to the story, then just drop the line.
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
Thanks skip. I'll have a think about it. You're likely right, but I'll give it a little more time and see how I feel about it later.
 

Penpilot

Staff
Article Team
Enar just stood there, staring after her, with his empty hand forgotten halfway to his mouth.
Eventually —- mere moments later —- he shrugged and hurried after her.

There's a bit of a contradiction in the first sentence I quoted. This is from Enar's POV so when you say his hand is forgotten, it kind of doesn't jive because it's kind of like him consciously thinking that he's forgotten something. So if he's knows he's forgotten something, then how is it forgotten?

Yeah, it's a nitpick, but IMHO, you can just removed the word "forgotten" from the sentence and it still works as intended.

With that last sentence, I don't think it's terrible at all, but I do think you can do better. Obviously, it depends on what effect you want/need with that pause. But to me the simplest thing would be to simplify.

Simply saying. "A moment later, he shrugged..." achieves the same effect.

Now you could do other things too in order to stretch out time. You can use this pause to show/reinforce he kind of likes her. You can have him notice how she walks, or how her hair sways, something, anything that you can describe in a bit of detail. It shows the reader he's noticing her.

This pause can be a quick glimpse into his thoughts too. Maybe his thoughts drift to what ever they're "questing" for in this story. Anything of importance that you want to convey or reinforce can be brought up here. Again, it all depends on what the needs of the story are.
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
Good point about the word "forgotten". The way you explain it it's a bit redundant.

Thanks for the other suggestions too. I'll revisit the passage tonight after work and see how I feel about it then.
 

Trick

Auror
If you're going for the impression that a moment feels longer than it is why not just say something like:

Enar just stood there, staring after her, with his empty hand halfway to his mouth.
The mere moments he lingered passed like hours until he shrugged, shaking off the illusion, and hurried after her.

It may be more literal than you were going for and is just a suggestion.
 

Incanus

Auror
Yeah, I think 'Eventually--mere moments later' is just a bit...off. They're not incompatible so much as just not working happily together. Not sure of how to improve, but Trick's structural change seems like a decent starting point.
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
Cheers guys, thanks for all the feedback.
I had a thought about it and in the end I decided to skip the fancy word crafting and keep it simple:
Enar just stood there, staring after her, with his empty hand halfway to his mouth.
A moment later he shrugged and hurried after her.
This isn't a terribly important scene and it's better if it reads smoothly than that I fiddle around with flashy constructs.

Thanks again. :)
 
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