Naturally introducing description into a scene

[Feo Takahari]

This was part of a comment I made regarding someone else's fanfic:

I feel like I'm playing a video game with a low draw distance, where things suddenly pop into existence. Here's Twilight. *pop* Now Twilight is crying. *pop* Now Fluttershy is here. *Pop* Now Rainbow Dash is here . . . It feels really artificial.

Their response:

That draw distance point is a really good one, not surprised you picked that out actually. A major fault of my writing I've noticed is that it gets very...robotic at times. It's something I can't quite seem to shake off, got any tips for helping out there perchance?

Any thoughts? What do you do to make description feel more natural?

By way of demonstration, I'll include a bit of the fic:

Spoiler: Excerpt

Twilight nods so briefly and slightly that it’s nearly impossible to catch. I notice her eyes have quickly left mine to survey the devastation behind me.

“I’m not here to fight. I heard you wanted answers...so..so I w-wanted to talk,” she says as the first tears leak down her face. A yellow hoof rises up to rest on her back, and for the first time I notice Fluttershy standing alongside Twilight; the former also misty-eyed and dumbfounded. Did the pegasus disappear earlier to warn her?

“Oh really?” I say sarcastically. “Funny how different the situation is when your friends’ lives are on the line.”

“Twilight! You can take this guy right?” Rainbow Dash wails to my side. “Do something, or get me outta here at least!”

“Dash...just...just leave it to me, alright? I-I’ve got a plan to resolve everything.” Is it me or does she look exhausted?

“Twilight!” Applejack cranes her neck round, legs still caught in place. “Ah don’t know how much you've seen but ah highly suggest we let Jason here know what he needs to know. nough damage’s been do-”

 

[acapes]

Any thoughts? What do you do to make description feel more natural?

Two things come to mind for me, Feo - I try and expand it a little, to sometimes add detail that might flesh out the imagery but also detail that works at a sentence or paragraph level rhythmically, to avoid that 'pop-up' feel you mentioned, to give the passage more sense of a natural flow. The other is to link description to the POV character's worldview/prejudices/expectations etc

Hope that makes sense - interested to see what others post

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

One thing I notice is the writing seems rather formulaic. It's either "Dialogue-->Description" or "Description-->Dialogue". There isn't any variance like "Small descriptor-->Dialogue-->Detailed & more meaningful description".

The latter type of description often feels more realistic, I think, because emotion tends to build or decrease gradually. There are occasions when emotion may be sudden, but it isn't the norm unless we're talking about a shock. Also, varying the presentation tends to create a more interesting read.

The excerpt is also very telly, where the narrator is just noticing things and the details are being delivered in a way that doesn't engage the reader's mind. For example:

Twilight nods so briefly and slightly

I notice her eyes have quickly left mine to survey the devastation behind me.

Is it me or does she look exhausted?

In those lines above there's not any real description going on, at least nothing that involves the reader.

Also, the writer uses precursors to the description by saying the narrator notices something. That can make any prose feel artificial & dull. The reader shouldn't need to read something is being noticed. The fact that it is being described should do that work on its own.

...for the first time I notice Fluttershy standing alongside Twilight.

I notice her eyes...

Hope that helps....

 

[Svrtnsse]

When setting up a scene I try to add any important features at the start, to give the reader a first impression as soon as possible. I then try my best to avoid adding any major features to shake up that first impression.

I'm currently writing a scene taking place in a kitchen and at the start I spend two entire paragraphs describing how it looks (yes, I know this may be a bit much for some people). After this, I can't change anything, but I can add stuff, for example:

“Why don't you have a seat dear,” said Chocaline and pulled out a wooden stool from under the table. “I'll get everything in order.”

In the main description only the table is mentioned, but nothing is said about whether there's anything under it or not.

A little bit later this happens:

“Very well, I'll put some water on anyway, in case you change your mind.” She put the teapot on the table and disappeared through a small door Enar had first thought just another cupboard.

The cupboards are mentioned in the main description, but there's no mention of doors out of the room. There's also no mention of anywhere to get water so I needed a pump in an adjacent room. Making one of the cupboards a door to a different room gets around the issue of having to put in a door somewhere where no door previously was.

 

[Svrtnsse]

I should add something to the above. The description of the kitchen doesn't mention what state it's in, whether it's cluttered or tidy. Since it could be either I'll have to assume that not all readers will have the same image. If my character needs a ladle, they can't just grab it from a mess of tools on thetable, they'll have to open a drawer or a cupboard and take it from there.

 

[Incanus]

I come across this a lot. I like the analogy of the 'low draw distance'. I think that at least the bare minimum is called for--just have one sentence at the beginning that tells how many people are present; we don't need to know all their names, just how many at first. It should be even better and more natural if it is blended with an action. Something along the lines of:

'So-and so looked up from (activity like stirring a kettle, reading a book, lighting a candle, whatever) and regarded the his/her four companions dourly.'

Or whatever. A tiny bit of action, a tiny bit of scene setting, and even a hint of mood all in one sentence. Then plunge into the dialogue and sprinkle in more relevant detail and character names.

 

[Penpilot]

At first I had a bit of trouble putting my finger on it, but I think I've figured it out. Everything is a statement. There's no personal opinion, internal monologue, or indication of how the narrator feels about anything. Nothing flavors the text. The internal landscape of the narrator isn't there. So there's no natural connective tissue to attach description too.

Twilight nods so briefly and slightly that it’s nearly impossible to catch. I notice her eyes have quickly left mine to survey the devastation behind me.

Take this section. I'll just add some internal landscape to it, keeping as much of the original text as possible. It may not jive with the story, but it's just an illustration of what I think is missing.

Twilight nods so briefly that it's nearly impossible to catch. I notice her eyes have quickly left mine to survey the devastation behind. Even if I didn't know what she was looking at, I could have easily guessed. Her eyes quivered, and so did mine. This could have been avoided. We all know that, but knowing what the right thing to do is much easier than doing it.

Anger clouds everything. It's like a boulder rolling down a mountain. Once it starts, it becomes harder and harder to stop until either you get out of the way or become crushed.

Yeah, I laid it on little thick, but hopefully, it gets my point across.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

For my two cents the real problem is that I don't know who these people are and so it does appear as though they're just popping in in a machine gun like manner. I think what is needed, and I'm guessing it would have been done, is a precurser. This is a meeting right? So what is it about (have I got it right and Dash is the MC's hostage and the MC is Jason?), who's attending etc etc. With all of that fleshed out in advance, it would make more sense and the flow would work better.

Cheers, Greg.