Narration style

[Caged Maiden]

So in my WIP, I tell the story from the perspective from a naive young woman (not entirely, there are small bits from someone else's head, but it's mostly her). My question is this: When I'm narrating, I tend to write it how she would think it, but then there's some bits where I'm just a narrator in my own voice. Is that too confusing? I mean, do I have to choose just one voice? Here's an excerpt to maybe illustrate what it's like:


Garrett turned away from the window and stared coldly at her, sitting on her bed. His face was stern, unkind. Not at all how her brother usually looked at her. “Are you living in a fairy tale? You are promised to Rafe. The papers are signed; money has changed hands. But you still believe Hollis is going to ride into that church and break up the ceremony by confessing his love. How can I be any more clear? He’s not coming!

“If you carry on with him, you are dishonoring more than yourself. As a married woman, having an affair like this disgraces your husband as well. How kindly will Rafe look upon you after you’ve dishonored him?”

Linnette didn’t want to hear it. In her mind, and in her heart, she wanted Hollis to step in. She would prepare for the wedding as she was supposed to do, and she would speak the words she was bade, but when it came to her heart, she could not change it. Hollis was the only man she loved, and Rafe, if he wanted to be married to Linnette, would have to accept that.


So in the first paragraph, I'm narrating in my own voice, then in the last one, I'm narrating in Linnette's voice, and obviously not in my own words. Is this too confusing? Or is it perfectly acceptable to switch back and forth? Sorry, I know it's a silly question, but n answer now might save me many hours of rewriting. THANKS!

[The Din]

What you've got is fine, though I don't necessarily see it as two different voices. To me the first paragraph is still in Linnette's 'voice' (which is a good thing). 'Not at all how her brother usually looked at her', implies her 'voice' rather than a impartial narrator.

If you were to describe something that she is incapable of knowing/seeing it would be jarring, but what you've got totally acceptable.

[Caged Maiden]

I hadn't thought of that. Thanks. Maybe I'm narrating in her voice more than I realized. Or perhaps this was just not a perfect example of what I thought my problem was. Okay so if character is thinking something, like in that last paragraph, wht options exist for a writer to write it differently? Was this something that works, or should I have tried to write it differently? Say, in italics as the thoughts occur to her?

I'm trying to bring my work up to a professional level, and while this book is admittedly unfinished and very rough, if I can avoid countless hours of editing because I had a disjointed style in the creation stage, that would be great.

[The Din]

Her thoughts are fine as they are, though internal dialogue would help to accentuate the character's voice. You could try: 'I will put on that hideous dress and say those meaningless words, but never will I relinquish my heart. That belonged to somebody else, whether he chose to claim it or not.'

It's all personal preference. Some shun internal dialogue, though to me its simply another tool in the box, a handy one.

[Penpilot]

Narrative IMHO is a mixture of your voice and the character's voice. I think it's perfectly fine to shift focus from one to the other, even if it's slightly. It's like a camera lens sometimes you're zoomed in and sometimes you're zoomed out.

From the sample. It reads quite natural. There's never a spot where I go 'Hey this sounds weird." Although the first bit of dialogue is missing the closing quotes and that totally ruined the piece for me ;P

[Caged Maiden]

It's all her brother speaking. Both paragraphs are his.

[Penpilot]

It's all her brother speaking. Both paragraphs are his.

Well don't I feel like a jackass now. I didn't realize that's how you work mulit-paragraph

[Aidan of the tavern]

Seriously I think your writing is fine. I wouldn't worry about it, it flows nicely.

[Caged Maiden]

Thanks for weighing in. I'm fine-tuning my narrative style right now, and since I've been so focused the last week or so on editing, I want to save myself from going through that sort of hell again. I appreciate your guys' views. I want to make sure moving forward with this story that I am not committing some sort of cardinal sin by switching my voice slightly from me to her. I'm not a fan of true internal monologue (yet, but who knows), because I think it's probably not something I feel comfortable with writing. So I like to narrate, but I also want a reader to read this from a very specific viewpoint, that of a naive young woman who is pretty self-centered and not overly concerned with politeness. So when I narrate like that (the last paragraph) it's obviously her thoughts, not mine. Thanks again everyone. If anyone knows of a good article about narrating style, could you post it in this thread? I can't be the only one wondering about this, but I searched a little, and most of what I got was ridiculous blog posts. Not helpful.

[T.Allen.Smith]

I think the scene would be stronger with dialogue between the two and description of actions or body movements she makes that signify or highlight her displeasure. In my mind, that type of scene is almost always stronger and more immersing than narration.