This is kinda graphic and deals with very sensitive issues. I don't know what to do about the graphic part so simply did what is done on sites dealing with this.
I have finished two of my story lines for my first draft and have a little problem. Rape and abuse are two of the many themes in my story, and for whatever reason in my life, not really the rape itself but the after affects. As noted in another post this is something that is personal to me. First when I write about what's happening or has happened to my characters' I have opted out of sugar coating it, it seems such an injustice to those who have gone through it to diminish it by adding lace to make it more palatable. I write explaining each burning detail for the truth. Does anyone see a problem with this? I ask because well......it does involve children and I am basing these events on things that have happened to ones I love and others. It's weird but in many ways I think they are better able to understand and much more prepared than the average reader. I write about the actual events but of more importance to me is the aftermath of such trauma, things like DID, SI, promiscuity and many many other things that I am aware of, that survivors are aware of but the average person is not.
here is an example, this is a flashback on of my characters is having. The he in question is the one who abused her when she was six.
So so found sleep difficult to find. It came momentarily as she watched the fire dwindle down to nothing but embers, leaving her with nothing but darkness of the forest closing in around her. She woke instantly with the memory of dark walls surrounding her. A cold sweat clung to her mirroring the fear that clung to her. The shadows of the trees blurred with the hard black stone walls of her dark prison. The beating of her heart hammered in her chest racing to the sound of footsteps walking towards her. Red hot dieing embers sizzled with his glee full chuckle about his little pet. She tried to move to flee but the black stone walls prevented any escape. Trying to roll and cower against the wall sent pain lancing through her chest, down her leg and arm. That maddening pain mingled with the knife blade that cut through her flesh. She could feel it's blade slicing through her ocher red skin in small precise cuts across her back. Cowering on the ground of her dark prison weeping silent tears she felt that wicked blade open her skin in small quick succession down her arm, across her back, the souls of her feet, across her butt. Her leg screamed in pain when he pulled it trying to pull her to him, she didn't fight she knew better. Again the blade left it's small thin lines of read from the nipple of her left budding breast to the center of her chest. Again it cut with terrible precision across her lower lips leaving two parallel lines of beading red blood around that place she hadn't even known existed. She lay there in bone numbing terror letting the blade trace it's wicked path across her flesh never trying to stop him. She could feel the hard callouses of his wicked hands pulling her **** *****, feel the bulk of his muscled body slide ****** *** ****. I was good...please...please...I was good...I.... She pleaded silently to herself, more than the living memory. Even among those cold stone walls she knew that press of familiarity. Mouth wide she screamed a silent wracking scream that did not echo among those cold stone walls. Pain seared with each ****************************, while the wicked blade danced its path across her flesh. She lay there naked laying the lifeless doll she so..so much felt. In the deepest of shadows So so watched trying to escape the pain staring into the darkness, a deep darkness that was it's own color. (I didn't know what to do about the graphic nature and well erred on the side of caution. There is more than enough that you don't need to knew the details.)
See what I mean.
As and example. One of my main chars, 12 yrs old, is waiting for the man who raped her, another main char, to come and do it again, she wants it, needs it. (She has been abused, raped, and tortured, since she was six, by someone else. He doesn't know about this.)
Now before anyone says anything THIS HAPPENS, THIS IS REALISTIC. Its is part of the psychological trauma that accompanies such vile and wicked acts. My biggest problem that has been bugging me is how to show what she is going through. I am sure many of you were disgusted by the fact that she wants him to do it again, that she needs it. That is my problem how can I show the psychology behind the way she acts. How can I explain what is going on in her mind without getting into a fifty page report on the aftermath of CSA.
So far this is what I have done.
"Can you walk?” Second man said looking at her in the sisters illuminating glow. She nodded as he pulled the cloak from the horse. Self hate filled her as she longed to be touched, to be held close, for the wicked thoughts she longed to happen next. He is right....I am a whore....a monster...please just do it so I can feel something. She looked around and was relieved that the only two witnesses had vanished, she knew they were close by but she was so tired of who she was she didn't care if others knew. They walked in silence for a while before she was unable to take the waiting. She turned stopping him letting the cloak fall to the ground leaving her naked. Before he could do anything she unlaced his fur trousers and pulled him to the ground. Laying back she spread her legs pulling at his hand, welcoming him. Her excitement mixed with the fear she felt at what was going to happen, something he had already taken but lost in her jumbled and chaotic memories that it was new. Please....just take me...Please. She pleaded fearing the rejection, fearing the truth of First abuser's words. Please I know I'm ugly...please....just close your eyes so I won't know you are looking at my ugliness...just take me...please...don't look...please don't look. She screamed at herself as she pulled him closer. Suddenly his arm went rigid and he pulled himself back looking at her.
Do you get the fact that she has been hurt, and is in such need of anything to feel something besides the pain, besides the numbness. Do you get the sense that she has a very low self esteem. It's kinda hard with just these two examples considering I have almost 83K words that goes over things gradually, but this is kinda the culmination. This is not something I want to write badly or without my very best effort, so I ask you fine folks. In a way I want the reader to cry the way I did when I listened to some of the terrible things that happened to others. I don't want this to be something that can be ignored, nor do I want my readers to pity her (She is actually really kick ass, and in many ways the true hero of my WIP) What do you think.