Christopher Wright
Sage
1. When another writer, regardless of how successful they are, attempts to tell you their 10 rules for writing, start throwing bricks at them until they go away.
2. It has to be bricks.
3. Seriously. Bricks carry both metaphorical and actual weight: metaphorical because they are the building blocks of much larger structures, much as words are building blocks of sentences, paragraphs, and stories. And they're also wicked heavy. The bricks, not the words.
4. If you throw enough bricks at a writer you'll get a closer understanding of the phrase "he collapsed like a sack of bricks." It's a very under-used phrase that I believe really needs to come into its own.
5. If you can't find bricks, I suppose cinder blocks will do, but I should point out that a cinder block is substantially heavier than a brick, and we writers are (according to the rest of the world) wan, pasty creatures who are weak and frail.
6. Throwing a brick is much harder than it looks. You'll have to get in close.
7. There's a fair chance that if a writer dispensing 10 rules advice sees you dragging a sack of bricks behind you, closing in, he (or she) will politely excuse him (or her) self and head for the nearest exist.
8. If #7 occurs, you've still solved the problem.
9. You may need to retain the services of a lawyer. If you cannot afford to retain the services of a lawyer, close your eyes and simply imagine that you're throwing bricks at the writer.
10. If the writer asks what you're doing, explain it in great detail. You may still achieve #7.
2. It has to be bricks.
3. Seriously. Bricks carry both metaphorical and actual weight: metaphorical because they are the building blocks of much larger structures, much as words are building blocks of sentences, paragraphs, and stories. And they're also wicked heavy. The bricks, not the words.
4. If you throw enough bricks at a writer you'll get a closer understanding of the phrase "he collapsed like a sack of bricks." It's a very under-used phrase that I believe really needs to come into its own.
5. If you can't find bricks, I suppose cinder blocks will do, but I should point out that a cinder block is substantially heavier than a brick, and we writers are (according to the rest of the world) wan, pasty creatures who are weak and frail.
6. Throwing a brick is much harder than it looks. You'll have to get in close.
7. There's a fair chance that if a writer dispensing 10 rules advice sees you dragging a sack of bricks behind you, closing in, he (or she) will politely excuse him (or her) self and head for the nearest exist.
8. If #7 occurs, you've still solved the problem.
9. You may need to retain the services of a lawyer. If you cannot afford to retain the services of a lawyer, close your eyes and simply imagine that you're throwing bricks at the writer.
10. If the writer asks what you're doing, explain it in great detail. You may still achieve #7.