Androxine Vortex
Archmage
Alright so I am trying to improve my writing skills and be more efficient in my words. I've been told before I have trouble with redundancy and over use of adverbs so I'm trying to keep an eye out for them. I wrote an opening paragraph for one of my projects and have already gone through and edited it a bit and here's what I have. (I'll even show some parts where I edited things out by putting them in parenthesis)
Night was coming. Beams of orange light pierced through the (tall) canopy of the woods, casting (dark) shadows across the ground. A soft breeze was blowing, gently and silently swaying branches (on the trees) back and forth. The only sound came from cracking twigs and crunching leaves being trampled underfoot. People were moving through the forest, nimbly maneuvering between the bushes and the trees. They moved with a great haste because they knew that night was coming.
Now that I look at this I can see some areas that I think might need some work...
1) A soft breeze was blowing, gently and silently swaying branches back and forth.
Should I get rid of gently and silently? Or maybe just silently because gently would imply being silent.
Also, maybe back and forth isn't that necessary because if something sways the reader could imagine it moving back and forth.
2) People were moving through the forest, nimbly maneuvering between the bushes and the trees.
I'm not sure I really love the verb "maneuvering" perhaps I could edit that.
I think bushes and trees could be cut because if people are in a forest, I'll bet you $10,000 there will be bushes and trees. (And yes I know I repeated "night was coming" because I did that on purpose to put emphasis on it because nighttime is a very important factor in my story.
Looking at this I must say I am a little proud of myself for cutting out some things on my own But even though I do see some more things, I don't want to hack my work until there's nothing left but the bare minimum. I feel that if I do that then there won't be enough flavor. I also would like to say thank you to all the members on this forum who have really helped me learn about the art of writing. There's a lot to it that people don't realize.
Night was coming. Beams of orange light pierced through the (tall) canopy of the woods, casting (dark) shadows across the ground. A soft breeze was blowing, gently and silently swaying branches (on the trees) back and forth. The only sound came from cracking twigs and crunching leaves being trampled underfoot. People were moving through the forest, nimbly maneuvering between the bushes and the trees. They moved with a great haste because they knew that night was coming.
Now that I look at this I can see some areas that I think might need some work...
1) A soft breeze was blowing, gently and silently swaying branches back and forth.
Should I get rid of gently and silently? Or maybe just silently because gently would imply being silent.
Also, maybe back and forth isn't that necessary because if something sways the reader could imagine it moving back and forth.
2) People were moving through the forest, nimbly maneuvering between the bushes and the trees.
I'm not sure I really love the verb "maneuvering" perhaps I could edit that.
I think bushes and trees could be cut because if people are in a forest, I'll bet you $10,000 there will be bushes and trees. (And yes I know I repeated "night was coming" because I did that on purpose to put emphasis on it because nighttime is a very important factor in my story.
Looking at this I must say I am a little proud of myself for cutting out some things on my own But even though I do see some more things, I don't want to hack my work until there's nothing left but the bare minimum. I feel that if I do that then there won't be enough flavor. I also would like to say thank you to all the members on this forum who have really helped me learn about the art of writing. There's a lot to it that people don't realize.