This is a discussion on "My villain is too cliche!" in the Writing Questions forum.
If I could scrap this character from my novel without ruining important plot points, I probably would.
He's the leader of a warmongering race and his dialogue is almost laughable. I've got his history, appearance, mannerisms etc...all fine. It's his voice that just isn't working.
His interactions with the protagonists are especially bad. I'm just finding it really difficult to stop him sounding so cliche.
Any advice?
We really might need examples of some of this diaglouge to help properly. You telling us his voice is cliche is different than seeing it on our own. Would you be willing to share some brief exchanges to show us what you mean? I think the best way, generically speaking, to address the issue would be to keep the character fairly dynamic. Don't allow him to be so one dimensional, but rather keep readers guessing as to what he'll say or do next.
Or you could use the cliche to your advantage. For example in a project I'm working on I have a squad of military guys being led by a man whos call sign is Sarge. As far as that goes that's as cliche as it gets. So Sarge, who is the POV character, has internal opinions expressed about that and his teams names. He thinks they're all awful. If you can play to the cliche have the protags comment about the interaction. It'll be a great way to break up the monotony that can come from overserious fantasy novels, not saying that yours is I'm just pointing out a trend.
I'm spending this evening doing some more editing so when I reach a part with my villain in it, I'll post a few examples of dialogue in this thread. I think I am also spelling villain incorrectly lol.
Anyway thanks for the advice both of you, I'll add some reputation to your scores
Okay (sorry about the double post) here is an excerpt from my novel featuring my villain, Falcon.
Novia’s eyes were narrowed. She was looking at the pendant “Where did you get that necklace?” she hissed
Falcon smirked “and I heard that you were intelligent, Princess?” he said softly “why, from your brother’s most loyal friend of course. That blade is useless against me”
“Then we’ll kill you without it!” yelled Riany.
“I would be delighted to let you attempt that, elf. I have no doubt that it would be exceedingly amusing for all of us”
Riany scowled under his visor.
“Again you have saved me the trouble of hunting you down and you have once again, wandered foolishly into my grasp and this time, I assure you, you will not escape. But I admit I respect your bravery, elves. Did you really think you could come and rescue your Princess and escape this Kingdom alive?” Falcon allowed himself a laugh “I have a proposition for all of you” he took a step forwards but neither Skye nor the others moved away “tell me where the human is and I will let you and your Princess go free”
“Liar!” shouted Skye, unable to think of anything to do apart from keep Falcon distracted in the hope that somebody else could think of something that would get them out of this unscathed “you’ll kill us all regardless of what we say”
“Perhaps” replied Falcon “but you would be better to tell all than risk it, do you not agree?”
“No” said Euphemia “she’s right. Either way we will face death and we will die before we become traitors”
“Traitors?” Falcon repeated “so you work on behalf of this creature? But explain, do tell me elf, if your leader is so powerful, why does it shy away from me when its friends have the courage to face me?”
“She’s a lot braver than you” said Piper quietly.
“I have thought that creature a coward ever since news reached me that it had escaped Boone Palace. If it was truly brave and courageous and -” Falcon gave a tinkering laugh “Noble, it would have sought me out itself by now, do you not think so?”
(everything copywright to me etc blah blah)
any tips would be useful
Yes, I'm thinking examples would be necessary here. I consider myself pretty good with dialogue, and I'd be glad to take a look.
EDIT: Yar, example Ninja! My fault for leaving a window open before replying. Alright, let's take a look - although I'll also say that this probably now belongs in the Showcase, really.
It is a bit stilted. Your villain seems to lean towards bombastic statements. That's fine. If he is the leader of a warmongering race then he would need some flamboyance and charisma to keep them in line. You just have to make his dialogue less obvious.
For instance: "...and this time, I assure you, you will not escape."
I don't like that. Obviously he intends that they won't escape. This sort of statement only draws attention to the fact that they've escaped before. That represents a failing of this Falcon character, and he wouldn't bring attention to that. He says a lot of unnecessary things.
“I would be delighted to let you attempt that, elf. I have no doubt that it would be exceedingly amusing for all of us”
Oddly worded, I think. I don't know much about this character, such as how intelligent he is, which is important to know for trying to write his speech. Howver, I would rewrite the above as:
“That would be amusing, elf. Perhaps I'll let you try sometime.”
Fewer words will help you here. My (quickly-formed) thought on Falcon is that he's a warrior. He's a man of action, not words. It would fit a warlike race not to put much stock in words or fancy speeches.
“I have a proposition for all of you”
Leave this out entirely. Have him plainly state:
“Tell me where the human is and I will let you go free.” Use description to lead up to it and give it some menace.
"...brave and courageous"
Shudder. These mean the same thing. Use only one.
I'll stop there for now. I can sum up my main point by repeating, 'Fewer words, and simpler.'
These are all, of course, my own humble opinions.
Last edited by Telcontar; 7-20-11 at 4:29 PM.
Example above ^Originally Posted by Telcontar
An old trick is to add an unexpected, non-cliched quirk - which could be a quirk or it could actually define the character. Example - a truck driver with a my little pony on his dashboard. For all we know, it could have been given to him by a niece or he could secretly be a flamer. For villains, those quirks tend to be a bit darker.
Maybe your villain really likes his pet squirrel, or cherishes an old penny whistle, or collects belly buttons (because ears, toes, fingers, noses, and unmentionables have been used before). Maybe he has an annoying habit, such as always checking the bottom of his drinking glasses before he starts - and then at some point you may disclose the interesting story behind that.
That's the thing - if you give him such a quirk or trait, you'll have to tell the interesting story behind it.
I completely agree, Deborah that's a really good point. At the moment, he has a curious, bejewelled sword but I'm now considering adding something else less obvious to a sword-weilding, power-hungry pixie ruler. (there are reasons for his quest for power, he's not really just blindly seeking it)
Thanks for the advice.
Comments above.Example above ^
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