# Depression issues



## Jabrosky (Oct 1, 2013)

I seem to have grown tired of life in general prematurely. Even hobbies I used to enjoy immensely, like reading books and playing computer games, have lost their luster for me. It doesn't help that I've always suffered from a terrible inferiority complex and a total lack of a work ethic which together prevent me from getting anything of note accomplished, writing included. I can't even stick to a self-imposed weight loss program without gaining all that fat back in the end. And then there is all the unfairness out there in the world to make me even more upset. Honestly, I only keep myself alive because I don't want to bring grief onto my family, and even then they only love me for the usual familial reasons.

I don't know if posting this on an Internet forum will do me any good, but I needed to get this out somehow.


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## Caged Maiden (Oct 2, 2013)

I hear you.  I really do.  I think I've suffered more than most and I certainly have days where I know I could end it... but I have four small children I can't do that to.  I live in pain most days and sometimes I just lay on my bed, hurting, asking myself whether anyone deserves a life that isn't living.  

All I can say, is that there is help out there, if you want it.  There are people to talk to, friends, support groups, intervention lines.  I'm not saying they're a cure-all, but they can help through those rough days.  Last week, I spent four days in one of the worst depressions I've ever been through.  I wanted to call someone, just to talk, but I topped myself, knowing I wouldn't be good company, thinking how unfair it was to place my burdens on another individual.  

I'm sorry you're feeling low right now.  I can relate and I know how hard it is to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back to it.  But I think that's what you need to do.  So here's a bit of tough love, Jabrosky:

First off... **** them!  **** all those people who say you aren't worth it, can't do it, or won't make it.  Who cares?  Even if you don't meet all your goals, does that mean it wasn't worth trying?  Especially **** them if they are your own inner voice, that part of you that sabotages your desires and dreams.  I have that voice too, and sometimes it grows too big and I need to set different goals for a while, to squash it back down to a buzzing mosquito of doubts.

Okay... so weight loss is tough.  I have a nutrition diploma and the theory is simple, but in practice it's difficult.  But there is help available.  Apps with calorie counters, support groups, friends, family, diabetic cookbooks, or even weight watchers, if you are really serious.  My advice?  Set a small goal and reach that.  Then, don't change anything else until you are very comfortable with that first change.  For instance, eat more vegetables with each normal meal you eat, until you grow to like the veggies and feel full faster.  Then, SLOWLY pare down your meat portion or cut down the size of your brownie.  It's small changes that make a big difference.  Big changes all at once, rarely stick.  

Art/ hobbies.  If the old ones frustrate or overwhelm you, try some new ones.  Take up an instrument.  an electronic keyboard is inexpensive, guitars are available second-hand EVERYWHERE.  If those don't interest you, try origami or model painting.  There's loads of interesting things you can learn how to do, that will eventually lead you back to your love of writing.  The best thing about learning new things, is you keep your brain younger and you get the humbling experience of not being good at something and learning how to get good.  It's a confidence boost!

Keep your chin up.  "This too, shall pass."  Okay, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but for four days, I kept telling myself that, even though it felt liek it was never going to pass.


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## Philip Overby (Oct 2, 2013)

Depression is tough. When I was younger I had more bouts of it than normal and here recently when I've been trying to do new things for a career it rears its head. However, the lowest low you can feel can be deflected by something, anything good. Writing has served that purpose for me before. I believe some writers use their worlds as a form of escapism from the problems of everyday life. I'm saying this because I've experienced similar feelings in the past. I'd retreat to games, movies, TV, writing, anything that made it so I wouldn't have to deal with real life situations. 

So I'm going to suggest something a bit unconventional. It worked for me and maybe it can work for others. I was feeling kind of down one day so I went outside. I started walking around the park and I found this dragonfly that landed on a small branch. I just sat there and watched it for like 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes of complete, tranquil staring somehow made me happier. I didn't think of money, writing, relationships, politics, anything. My whole brain was just absorbed at studying this dragonfly. Just seeing such a weird thing sitting there, twitching its wings. It's like I felt like dragonflies weren't supposed to exist or something. 

I feel like counseling, talking with other people, finding new hobbies or using your feelings to make art are all good things as well. But for me just removing myself from all the weight of the world for just 15 minutes inspired me and made me feel glad to be alive. 

It sounds strange, but hell, I felt better, so that's all that mattered at the time. I know next time I feel down I'll just go outside and look for something to cheer me up.

You do have a community of people that care about your well-being here so don't ever feel like you can't reach out to us. I bet you could pick a random member of Mythic Scribes at random and we'd be happy to talk with you about anything.


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## Devor (Oct 2, 2013)

Not sure if this will help or not, but it's the only response I can give in a few minutes or less.

Jane McGonigal: The game that can give you 10 extra years of life | Video on TED.com


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## Pythagoras (Oct 2, 2013)

If there is one thing that I have come to conclude, it is that we, as human beings, all endure, on a fundamental level, the same thing.
I sometimes feel like I am alone in my suffering.
Then I realize that I am not only not alone, I actually have it easy compared to most others. Which only contributes guilt to an already vicious downward cycle. But other people's suffering doesn't change the fact that I feel the way I do, whether it's deserved or not.
Then I realize that people who have it easier than me also feel unhappy. Why should they? Perhaps it is simply the human condition to be unhappy. If life doesn't give you a particularly tough time, you'll still find something to be miserable about.
Which is just how life shows us to be happy. If we were unable to be miserable, we would have nothing to compare happiness to, and 'happiness' itself would become drudgery. 
I don't know why I feel depressed sometimes. But I do, and I need to remember that it's ok. Because it is ok. 

Going outside to watch dragonflies does help, too.


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## CupofJoe (Oct 2, 2013)

Pythagoras said:


> Going outside to watch dragonflies does help, too.


I highly recommend watching Dragonflies!!!


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## GeekDavid (Oct 2, 2013)

This may sound weird, but it works for me. Whether or not it will work for anyone else is an open question.

When I get to feeling down, I spend all day in my favorite MMORPG (which changes from time to time). The fact that I can actually achieve something, even though it's in a game, and even though it's through the proxy of my on-screen character, somehow reassures me that I am not completely without any talent or skills.

I also remember the story of a writer named Ted Geisel. He took his manuscript to 27 different publishers, and each one rejected him. Finally, one accepted him, leading to the career of one of the most famous writers in America -- Dr. Seuss.


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## Lawfire (Oct 2, 2013)

Seek help. Life is precious and too short as it is. There is plenty of help out there. You are not alone.


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## Pythagoras (Oct 2, 2013)

Pythagoras said:


> If there is one thing that I have come to conclude, it is that we, as human beings, all endure, on a fundamental level, the same thing.


 Woah, sorry about my comma abuse there.


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## Rinzei (Oct 2, 2013)

Don't ever feel like you're alone with these feelings - as you can see, a lot of people know what you're going through because they have (and some may still be) gone through the same thing. While I commend that you've recognised the effects to your loved ones if you took drastic actions, that's not enough of a reason - you need to feel like living for yourself. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in this same feeling all the time. And I know that it is not a good feeling to have for even 10 minutes, let alone all day, every day.

The fact you recognise that something isn't right is good - denial can be dangerous. If you're looking for a bit of self-help, I would recommend taking a look at MoodGym. It's a free online program to help self-help yourself through depression and anxiety by helping you to identify what exactly is causing it - for instance, mine is a need for approval (I have trouble saying no) and perfectionism (it's just never good enough!). I use those two things to feed my self-esteem - but that means my self-worth is valued by 1) other people and b) perfection in a world that is NOT perfect. But yours might be different. When I signed up for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), they advised me to use MoodGym while I was on the wait-list, as well as any time that I felt I needed it. I will tell you that it did help put things in perspective and gave me a good advice. What I was most impressed with was that, at the end of the training course, I left them feedback on things I felt were missing. At the time, I was suffering from Anhedonia - the lack of pleasure from, well, anything. MoodGym didn't cover this much and I told them so in my feedback - within 48 hours, someone had emailed me to talk about it, with tips specifically for Anhedonia.

If you feel you need more than self-help, I suggest looking to CBT available in your area. CBT is more guided self-help than full-blown therapy. I found my sessions very helpful and refreshing - things I thought bugged me a little, turned out to really have had an effect on me when I had to vocalise them. You'll be surprised by what you're holding onto, what's digging at you, when you have someone who wants you to tell them and won't judge you for it. Family is all well and wants to help, but they can't remain objective most of the time - they want to interject with advise based on their experience, but unless they have also suffered from depression, they don't understand how it feels and their advice will be incorrect (if not well-intended).


Your feelings are not very different from my own. I know how it feels to no longer find any passion or pleasure in things that once made you so happy. You want to hold onto that feeling, you want it back - but it just seems to have disappeared. It's going to be hard, but if you want it back, you CAN find it again. Don't give up - this is your life and you have every right to be happy in it. And don't ever feel alone with this - you are definitely not alone.


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## deilaitha (Oct 4, 2013)

Jabrosky said:


> I seem to have grown tired of life in general prematurely. Even hobbies I used to enjoy immensely, like reading books and playing computer games, have lost their luster for me. It doesn't help that I've always suffered from a terrible inferiority complex and a total lack of a work ethic which together prevent me from getting anything of note accomplished, writing included.



I understand how you feel.  I have bipolar disorder and it wreaks havoc with my emotions (I have the depression way worse than the mania).  The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone.  Depression affects a lot of people. 


> I can't even stick to a self-imposed weight loss program without gaining all that fat back in the end.



I understand this more than you know. I was bulimic for years.  I found the solution to my problems over weight when I stopped dieting.  Intuitive Eating is a really good program, and so is Health at Every Size.  These are health-based programs that do not take weight into consideration; rather, they focus on healthy behaviors.  Size doesn't matter.  Anyone who cares about your size, in general, just wants your money. (IMO) You are an amazing person regardless of how much adipose tissue is on your body.  Jabrosky, I have read several posts that you have shared here on MS.  You are a great person with a lot of potential.  


> And then there is all the unfairness out there in the world to make me even more upset. Honestly, I only keep myself alive because I don't want to bring grief onto my family, and even then they only love me for the usual familial reasons.
> 
> I don't know if posting this on an Internet forum will do me any good, but I needed to get this out somehow.



Jabrosky, you may not want to hear this, but if you are finding yourself thinking excessively about suicide (with or without intention) you NEED TO GET HELP.  Without going into any details, let me just say that I know from experience.  You don't necessarily have to take medication; there are some really good therapies out there.  Cognitive therapy is the best therapy I've tried.  

You can pm me anytime you need.   And it's obvious that the whole MS community is here for you--look at how supportive everyone has been!  You are not alone.


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## DameiThiessen (Oct 5, 2013)

*Consider this:*

People are continually taught not to express their anger, to the point that they believe they should never get mad or show their true feelings if it might hurt somebody else. But repressing your anger is very unhealthy.* You cannot compartmentalize your emotions; if you push down your anger, you push down all your other emotions too (including joy), effectively deadening your senses.* Not being able to receive sensory or creative pleasure can lead to a series of emotional side effects: chronic stress, anxiety, moodiness, bouts of rage, and depression. Your sex drive will fall, you will lose your appetite, and you will feel anxious about close physical contact with others. The things that used to give you joy no longer will because you aren't letting yourself feel anything.

Depression itself is anger turned inwardly at yourself instead of outwardly at the world. You feel guilty about showing it and are more comfortable hurting yourself than you are possibly hurting other people. *You think you are protecting them from your rage but you are actually protecting yourself from confrontation.*

In many cases of depression, you need to learn how to communicate your emotions instead of holding them all inside and hoping they go away. Emotions don't just "go away" - they sit inside you and fester until you express them. It can take months, or even years, for you to work up the courage to not care about the reaction you get. But you are entitled to emotional expression, even if it makes others upset or uncomfortable.* You need to prioritize your own emotional health over their sensitivity.* Show your anger in a CONTROLLED and WELL TIMED manner, and COMMUNICATE CLEARLY. 

You might be holding back your anger at your parents, your spouse, your friends, or about social issues, or you might even just be frustrated with a situation you are in right now. But no matter what it is - and I can't stress this enough - *your anger and depression will not go away until you confront it.* Period.


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