# A writer's soul



## lawrence (Jun 20, 2012)

It's taken me a very long time to figure out that the _flip-side_ of those personality traits that have, since childhood,  contributed to my deep interest in myth and fantasy, are downright damaging. The creativity, sensitivity, introspection and passion that has helped me paint, write and act have their evil twins. I have finally understood that these unhelpful traits have been just as productive in my life. 'Cept switch that productive for destructive. 

I propose that the Writer's Soul is as much a burden as it is a blessing. Our swords are double-edged and what makes us tick is a time bomb. The rich inner life that fantasy writers often have can be a source of much joy. I bet that many of us here know that experience of getting all fired up over something that most of our family members, friends and work colleagues hardly notice. Y'know, that glazed look in their eyes when you enthuse about some amazing natural phenomenon, when you offload your latest idea, or when you rant about some injustice you encounter on the news. Passion colours everything, so says one of my favourite bands, Poets of the Fall. 

But wow, the flip-side can be brutal. Especially in wreaking havoc with our relationships, romantic and other. Yes, you probably have the power to delight your partner in ways that the steady, dependable types never could. But you will also most likely be tormented by wondering 'what if this person I am pouring myself out for isn't my true love...what if in some other place...what if I am missing something amazing elsewhere.' Imagination is wonderful. But it can also be a wild horse that will quite happily drag you in all directions, until you are a shredded sliver barely clinging on.

Hey, I don't want to appear bitter (!) and I know that people are much more complex than the labels we use along with the 'personality type' expectations. But I certainly have left plenty of mess behind me, trying to navigate life with this fire in my belly and the magical whispers of my imagination in my ears. Many friends who are less creative seem far less excited about life. And far more wise and contented.

Anyone else recognise any of this, and prepared to admit that those very qualities they possess that can bring such fulfilment have led them into immense hurt?


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## Lorna (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree about the wild horse. The thing about being a writer is the quest for inspiration. When I was younger I sought inspiration in a variety of experiences I won't go it to ... Kind of like a wild ride. It's taken me a while to work out the deepest insights come from the imagination, be it on the plane of pure fantasy and journeying into the otherworld of pure imagination or seeing nature / the world imaginatively. These experiences have led to me committing myself to becoming a professional writer. As a vocation, not a job, at the expense of all else.


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## Amanita (Jun 21, 2012)

I can sympathize with the ”žwild horse“ image too.  
As a child, I’ve caused my family plenty of trouble, because of my reactions to not being able to do the things I was passionate about. On the outside, I’m much more laid back now, but on the inside it still looks the same.
I have very little patience for things that bore me, which are quite a few, including most of the things usually said to be part of a “social life”. If it isn’t something I’m fascinated by or at least has some connection to something I’m fascinated by, it’s really hard for me to force myself to spend time with it, and if I don’t have to, I won’t. 

Romantic relationships aren’t an issue in my case because there aren’t any and there won’t be as long as I won’t meet someone who feels the same way and I highly doubt that this will ever happen. 
Too most other people, I’m probably seeming like an extremely silent and relatively shy person, because I know that most people do not share my interests and don’t want to be bothered with them. 

I’m not sure if this has anything to do with wanting to write fantasy or a "writer's soul", in my case, I believe the stories simply are some form of outlet. If this is helpful or not for writing good stories, I have no idea. It’s definitely helped inspire my magic, which does something similar to the characters.  

Like you, lawrence, I’m having mixed feelings about this too. Sometimes I’m feeling fine, sometimes I’m feeling extreme passion for something and sometimes deeply miserable. I’m also feeling  guilty about being interested in certain things even though I know that there isn’t really any reason to, with some, there actually might be, but I’m not even mentioning it under an anonymous name on an Internet forum. 
Another problem of mine is the fact, that I don’t really have the amount of talent I’d like to have for the things I’m passionate about. At least, I never feel as if I did.


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## lawrence (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughtful posts folks. Hmm, I know for me that I have allowed myself to get pulled in all sorts of directions by my ability to 'see' things before they are. My imagination has allowed me to not only write in a way that engages me - if no-one else  - but also to undertake many things that need 'vision'...even now in my day jobs, which include building websites and building DIY projects for people (yep the ability to see something in your mind even helps with building a garden wall!)
But this constant filling of my head with thoughts and ideas gets exhausting. Like just now, was sat in the garden with a coffee. I came back in feeling a little agitated by all the ideas for developing the garden, and had to fight back the compulsion to start a massive project there and then. I know its normal, but I think creatives have a greater problem with such jostling and wrestling.

Its great to hear that you benefit from your internal make-up, Lorna and Amantia, in that it motivates or assists your writing. If we can add to this some good basic discipline and perseverance, we can expect to get somewhere.

Yes, Amanita, I can relate to that realisation that the reach of my vision exceeds the grasp of my ability! But it does mean I live life at quite a stretch, which has to be a good thing...maybe


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## John McDonell (Jun 23, 2012)

Interesting topic.  I guess my two cents worth is that I can relate to what you are saying Lawrence, although I have not found it to be damaging to the extent that you describe.  I have had a strong interest in fantasy since my friends introduced me to D&D when I was 12 or so.....way back in 79 or 80.  I left high school, went to University and studied English for a while, before I became too jaded from listening to professors read so much BS in to literary works that they should have brought a shovel to class.  I flitted through most of the majors I could have in an arts degree but really excelled at guitar/drinking/ and playing hearts. (I swear Stephen King was standing over us in our dorm when he wrote 'Hearts in Atlantis') Needless to say I wasted alot of time and money.  On the plus side I met my wonderful wife and mother to my children there so I don't regret it.  I ended up finishing a 1 year college degree, becoming successfully  self-employed and keeping most of my artsy tendencies at bay.  However at about the age of forty I must have had a mid-life crisis and became interested in drawing and painting, which I now love to do.  A year later it was archery and now I have re-discovered the joy of writing.  I guess I am wandering around the point a bit here but what I am trying to say is that I always had a great imagination and 'artsy' personality but I ended up going the more traditional route and sitting behind a desk with spreadsheets and the like all day.  For the last 4-5 years, going to work was giving me anxiety and stress for no reason other than it was something I didn't like doing-at all.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to step away from it, for a while at least and pursue writing and I have never felt better.  It's like a new lease on life for me, because I am doing something that I enjoy and believe in.  Even though my old job was looking after our business and was 100% in my own best interest, it felt like a thankless, revolving list of endless problems and boring repititious protocols.  I still have to watch over it but my day to day involvement has disappeared.  I guess there are two adages I would use here:  "Follow your heart" and "Keep everything in balance"  I didn't really believe or understand either of them until recently.


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## lawrence (Jun 24, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughts JM, glad to hear that you have been able to hold those two principles in tension. You have a pretty stable platform from which to explore your creativity, and spend time with stuff you enjoy, seems like a well earned lifestyle. You invested time and effort into the less stimulating things, and so it's great to hear you can now venture off a bit. I have learned the meaning of those two adages as well, only since my early forties. 

Sadly, there is alot of failure - almost self destruction - behind me, mostly because I tended to follow my heart and neglect the balance. I guess we all go through different things and none of it is wasted if we are prepared to reflect and learn. I do think that creative people can have trouble settling into the daily routines of life, pleased that you handled it well. I definitely didn't! Much better now, but wow I would not walk the same road again, if I could go back.


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## Jess A (Jun 25, 2012)

Intriguing post. You seem to be a very interesting person and I relate to 'overthinking' things. I think about this stuff a lot. I do agree that we are an imaginative, often introspective lot. I have a very active mind and sometimes I live in my brain, although I believe I have a good balance with the outer world. But because I would prefer to indulge in my interests rather than drink myself silly in Bali, I am considered a little 'odd', despite the fact that I can play the social and diplomatic part very well. And yes! All those creative thoughts can give me a headache and cause stress as well. I feel torn into pieces between various ideas and projects and between the various responsibilities I have in my life. 

People do indeed 'glaze' over when I discuss my novel. I therefore rarely speak about it except in very small doses. That's fine; I don't need to tell the world. I am a very passionate person when it comes to beauty and imagination. I internalise a lot of it. I feel like I am open to this wonderful, exciting, often brutal yet stunningly beautiful world, and that others live their lives in a less meaningful way. 

It is an incredibly arrogant way to think and I know that everybody is stimulated in different ways and the way I live my life is suited to my individual tastes, not to everybody else's. Yet I cannot help but arrogantly and condescendingly feel sorry for people who never want to travel or see anything outside their town, who cannot appreciate a simple sunset or the beauty of the night sky (or just never thought about it or won't admit it). 

I surround myself with people who are often introspective, passionate and interesting, but I find other people interesting too (which is why I am moving into journalism). People learn every day. Everybody has something they can teach me. I love that! And I think many writers take an interest in the simplest of things. 

We all have to live life and work and we all must find a balance, learning to take spare private moments to indulge in what inspires us. Painting, writing, listening to music, travel, watching the clouds go by. But we can love what even mundane day-to-day life gives us, too! Yet despite this, I certainly need a change of pace from time to time. I'm in Shanghai at the moment, taking a break.


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## John McDonell (Jun 26, 2012)

You are right Lawrence, we all go through different things.  I am very fortunate, a fact that I constantly have to remind myself for some odd reason.  It sounds like you had a tough go.  I don't really have the right or knowledge to comment on that other than to say that you sure sound like your experiences have given you wisdom and a deep understanding of the human condition, at least the creative part of it.  I firmly believe that most things in life have a price, and a payoff. (That balance thing again) I think you have paid the price and are in the payoff phase. I wish you all the best.


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## lawrence (Jun 26, 2012)

Thank you for your post Little Storm Cloud, really helpful and interesting to hear your perspective. I will try to reply soon, got lots happening here just now.

Thanks too JM, for your kind and encouraging words. I certainly want to move forward armed with that bit more wisdom. I am still here after all that hurt, and hopefully in a position to support those around me better because of it. That is not a bad payoff. Very best to you too!


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## Jess A (Jun 28, 2012)

I did not realise my response had provoked the need for such a thoughtful reply  I thank you also for an interesting thread.


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