# The Story-in-a-Sentence



## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Well, not always a _single_ sentence, but you all know what I'm getting at. The summary that says almost everything there is to say about your story in only a few words. Like a blurb, but _smaller_. The Nutshellâ„¢. I've read (somewhere) that having a good handle on what your Nutshellâ„¢ is can improve the clarity and focus of your story, as well as help you come up with titles (something I'm presently grappling with). The intent of this thread is to create a place where people can post their Nutshellâ„¢ to be cracked critiqued.


*In general, a Nutshellâ„¢ should: *

Introduce the main character (if applicable)
Describe the premise
Hint at the main conflict(s)


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Here's mine. I'd welcome comments on it. 


*Version 1*
_Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries._

*Version 2*
_Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for the blood of children._

*Version 3*
_Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his blood._



Version 1 is, strictly speaking, the most literally accurate, but I think it's also the least striking. 

Version 2 is less literal. It nearly implies that the cult actually drinks human blood, which they don't. (Yet. But I might add that in now...) They merely perform human sacrifice. But I think version 2 is more visceral than version 1. 

Version 3 is the least literally true. It goes a step further and suggests the cult not only drinks blood, but wishes to drink Reuben's blood, which is not (literally) the case. This is a reference to a turn of the plot wherein the cult's leader tries to brainwash Reuben and make him into her bodyguard and bed-slave. But this version is probably the most visceral of the three.

Overall, I'm leaning towards version 2. Thoughts or comments?


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

Lou Anders mentioned something like this recently.  He called it his formula for a successful story.  Something like...

_When (a sympathetic protagonist) encounters (a conflict or situation) he/she must then do (something concrete) in order to (concrete goal)._

He used the Labyrinth as an example....

_When Sarah's baby brother is kidnapped by the powerful Goblin King, she is thrust into a world of fantasy where she must find her way through the Labyrinth and defeat the Goblin King in order to save his life._


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> *Version 1*
> _Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries._
> 
> *Version 2*
> ...



I liked 1 and 2.  What's the connection between the usurper and the cult?  Also, what makes the journey perilous?


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

TRIPLE POST! 

Here's mine (in two sentences):

Last Man Standing:
When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from a maniacal wizard named Wrenlaw, almost all of humanity is destroyed.  Now, alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with what he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of humanity.


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## Graylorne (Dec 4, 2012)

@Mindfire

I think #2 a bit, pardon me for directness, cheap. As if you say: look how awful, the blood of children. 

There is a 4th possibility:

Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a cult that thirsts for his people's blood / the blood of his people.


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## Graylorne (Dec 4, 2012)

Twook00 said:


> TRIPLE POST!
> 
> Here's mine (in two sentences):
> 
> ...



Very effective.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Twook00 said:


> I liked 1 and 2.  What's the connection between the usurper and the cult?  Also, what makes the journey perilous?



The usurper is secretly in league with the cult. He's kind of using them as blackmail. As king, he's _supposed_ to hunt them out and exterminate them, but instead he chooses to allow them to exist so he can strong-arm people into following his leadership, similar to how real-world leaders might use the threat of foreign invaders as a cover for their shameless power-grab. 

As for what makes the journey perilous: a mad general, a storm at sea, huge armored sharks, a blistering desert, a giant snake, poisonous frogs, giant killer sloths, giant man-eating tigers, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting right now.

But if what you're getting at is that the word "perilous" is an terribly vague descriptor, I see your point. I'm trying to come up with a way to fix that.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Twook00 said:


> TRIPLE POST!
> 
> Here's mine (in two sentences):
> 
> ...



I like this. Something about the name "Wrenlaw" just bugs me though. I don't know why. But that's just me. What I would change is to call him "the" wizard, rather than just "a" wizard and take out the word named. I would say "who he is" rather than "what he is", avoid repeating the word "humanity", and make the part about their near destruction more striking. Like this:



> When reluctant superhero Rhys Ryan fails to save the world from the maniacal wizard Wrenlaw, mankind is nearly annhilated. Now alone and tortured by guilt, the young super must come to grips with who he is in order to defeat Wrenlaw and salvage what remains of the human race.


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## Ireth (Dec 4, 2012)

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter night, or risk losing everything she loves.

Summer's Pawn:
When Vincent and his family are commanded to hunt down and capture a fugitive Fae princess, they must decide how much they are willing to sacrifice in order to keep her from suffering a terrible fate at her father's hands.

Moonhunter (working title):
When the wolves blessed by the moon goddess begin losing their powers of speech and reason, VÃ¡das must leave his pack and find a way to save his people from reverting to mindless beasts, even if it means defying the gods themselves.

Death by Chocolate:
When Clarence is suspected of a string of murders in his village, he must find a way to clear his name and discover the killer's identity before his freedom or life is made forfeit.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Graylorne said:


> @Mindfire
> 
> I think #2 is a bit, pardon me for directness, cheap. As if you say: look how awful, the blood of children.
> 
> ...



That is a 4th possibility, thanks! And yes, I'm aware that the part about the children is shamelessly manipulative. But I think that's part of why it works!  Only joking.


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> The usurper is secretly in league with the cult. He's kind of using them as blackmail. As king, he's _supposed_ to hunt them out and exterminate them, but instead he chooses to allow them to exist so he can strong-arm people into following his leadership, similar to how real-world leaders might use the threat of foreign invaders as a cover for their shameless power-grab.
> 
> As for what makes the journey perilous: a mad general, a storm at sea, huge armored sharks, a blistering desert, a giant snake, poisonous frogs, giant killer sloths, giant man-eating tigers, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting right now.
> 
> But if what you're getting at is that the word "perilous" is an terribly vague descriptor, I see your point. I'm trying to come up with a way to fix that.



This sounds fun.  If you can incorporate some of the concrete details above, I think you'll leave a stronger impression.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Ireth said:


> Winter's Queen:
> When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter night, or risk losing everything she loves.


This is really good, except I'm left wondering what "everything she loves" is. This would be even stronger if you could somehow squeeze something more specific in there.



Ireth said:


> Summer's Pawn:
> When Vincent and his family are commanded to hunt down and capture a fugitive Fae princess, they must decide how much they are willing to sacrifice in order to keep her from suffering a terrible fate at her father's hands.


This is also really good. I'm left wondering what the terrible fate is, but in this case it works because it acts as incentive to crack open the book and find out.



Ireth said:


> Moonhunter (working title):
> When the wolves blessed by the moon goddess begin losing their powers of speech and reason, VÃ¡das must leave his pack and find a way to save his people from reverting to mindless beasts, even if it means defying the gods themselves.


Awesome. (I love wolves!) But I'd take out the word "the" at the start that I strikethrough'd. You don't really need it.



Ireth said:


> Death by Chocolate:
> When Clarence is suspected of a string of murders in his village, he must find a way to clear his name and discover the killer's identity before his freedom or life is made forfeit.


Good, but it could be better. Right now it feels a little too "average-falsely-accused-murder-mystery". See if you can add in more of the elements that make your story stand out. Like what chocolate has to do with any of this. (Of course, if you want to leave the chocolate part ambiguous to hook the reader, that could work too.)


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Twook00 said:


> This sounds fun.  If you can incorporate some of the concrete details above, I think you'll leave a stronger impression.



Thanks. I'm pondering it now.


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

Ireth, I agree with Mindfire on all points EXCEPT one:  I just _like_ wolves... 

Good stuff, though.


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## Leif Notae (Dec 4, 2012)

Project Owlgriffin (working title, of course): Pre-teen discovers mother is washing her magical stuffed toys because she is "grown up" and doesn't need to save the world anymore.


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## Graylorne (Dec 4, 2012)

*Scarfar*:  A slave boy found a piece of the sky and became the one to recharge an ancient menhir with it, in a far away land to the South, but how to get there without freedom, money or magic, through a frozen kingdom rife with rebellion, with at his side the one boy who hates his guts?


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## Ireth (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00!  Revision time:

Winter's Queen:
When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.

More to come later once I figure out Death by Chocolate and hopefully Low Road as well.


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## saellys (Dec 4, 2012)

Ireth said:


> Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00!  Revision time:
> 
> Winter's Queen:
> When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.



Looks great! I would scrap "everything--" and let the weight of those last four words really hit.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Ireth said:


> Thanks, Mindfire and Twook00!  Revision time:
> 
> Winter's Queen:
> When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing everything--her freedom, family, home, and humanity.
> ...



Echoing saellys, I'd also drop "everything". I'd also drop "freedom", since it's kind of implied by the fact that she's been kidnapped, and therefore redundant.



> When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing her family, her home, and her humanity.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Graylorne said:


> *Scarfar*:  A slave boy found a piece of the sky and became the one to recharge an ancient menhir with it, in a far away land to the South, but how to get there without freedom, money or magic, through a frozen kingdom rife with rebellion, with at his side the one boy who hates his guts?



Interesting. I prefer to phrase mine in the declarative, though the interrogative might also work. One thing I would do is take out the word "menhir" unless you're going to explain what it is. Also, I would give the slave boy's name. It makes him more immediately relatable and interesting to the reader. Also the "became" part is a bit passive. Also, has he already recharged it or is he on a quest to recharge it? Or is he on a quest to return it somewhere? I don't quite understand what the premise is. I'd rewrite it something like...



> Hero, a slave boy, discovered a fallen star and gave part of his own life energy in order to renew its power. Now he must journey southward across a frozen kingdom torn by civil war to return the star to it's rightful owner, but can a sickly boy survive such a treacherous journey when his only companion is also his worst enemy?



or, if the war hasn't fully erupted yet,



> Hero, a slave boy, discovered a fallen star and gave part of his own life energy in order to renew its power. Now he must journey southward across a frozen kingdom to return the star to it's rightful owner before the land is engulfed by civil war, but can a sickly boy survive such a treacherous journey when his only companion is also his worst enemy?




I just did those as an example. Your actual idea might be completely different from what I came up with. (Which is fine by me, because I'll use it if you don't. Maybe even if you do. Two people can start from the same idea and go two different places after all.)


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Leif Notae said:


> Project Owlgriffin (working title, of course): Pre-teen discovers mother is washing her magical stuffed toys because she is "grown up" and doesn't need to save the world anymore.



Hmm... There's something here, but there's a few things missing also. What's the girl's name? How does washing affect the magic? What do the magic stuffed toys have to do with world-saving?


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## Penpilot (Dec 4, 2012)

Just gave the Lou Anders formula a spin. Here's my current novel in a nutshell. 

When a down and out spellslinger returns home for a last chance to resurrect his failing career, he has to come to terms with his past, his career, and his ex, before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants, a girl who he doesn't even see.


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## Graylorne (Dec 4, 2012)

Second version:


Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

So your idea _was_ different? Awesome! I'll use the one I wrote then.  Tuck it away in my "to write" folder of ideas. As for your new Nutshell™, I'll review it when I return from class.


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## saellys (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> When Ariel is kidnapped by an evil Fae prince to be his bride, she must find a way to escape him and the world of Faerie before Midwinter Night, or risk losing her family, her home, and her humanity.



Yeah, this is nice and punchy.


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## Addison (Dec 4, 2012)

The log line should be between one and...five or something sentences. Not too long, flashy or anything. All it should do is cover the who, what, where and why the reader should care.


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## Ireth (Dec 4, 2012)

I like your version of my Nutshell, Mindfire. ^^


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## Leif Notae (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Hmm... There's something here, but there's a few things missing also. What's the girl's name? How does washing affect the magic? What do the magic stuffed toys have to do with world-saving?



A sentence only, remember? Glad to know there were some dangling parts to make someone interested.


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## michael.harrel (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Here's mine. I'd welcome comments on it.
> *Version 1*
> _Reuben, the son of exiles, must undertake a perilous journey to reclaim his grandfather's throne from a self-righteous usurper and challenge a bloodthirsty cult that has been at war with his people for centuries._



I like this one best. It strikes me as a *little* wordy, but every time I tried to cut something out I realized that the sentence lost something. The most I could do was wonder if we need to know that the cult has been at war with his people for centuries -- you don't mention it in your other two sentences, so maybe it's not that important to know up-front?


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Leif Notae said:


> A sentence only, remember? Glad to know there were some dangling parts to make someone interested.



Yes, but it's not a _complete_ sentence. It's a fragment. I was trying not to be a grammar tyrant, but there it is. And why do you choose not to name your protagonist?


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## michael.harrel (Dec 4, 2012)

Graylorne said:


> Second version:
> 
> 
> Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?



This is much better!  My only quibble would be the repetition of Muus' name. I'd change that sentence to "Now bound to the shard, he..."

Also, tangentially, how is "Muus" pronounced? To me it's reminiscent of "Mouse" (which is good for a Hero's Journey-type story), and "Muse". Pretty sweet.


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## michael.harrel (Dec 4, 2012)

Here's our current pitch for Camlann: 

"Two estranged brothers must work together to restore their dishonored family before war and politics bring them to ruin." 

Super vague, yeah?


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

michael.harrel said:


> I like this one best. It strikes me as a *little* wordy, but every time I tried to cut something out I realized that the sentence lost something. The most I could do was wonder if we need to know that the cult has been at war with his people for centuries -- you don't mention it in your other two sentences, so maybe it's not that important to know up-front?



Thanks! I have, I think, a better trimmed version here.




michael.harrel said:


> Here's our current pitch for Camlann:
> 
> "Two estranged brothers must work together to restore their dishonored family before war and politics bring them to ruin."
> 
> Super vague, yeah?



Super vague, yeah. Add a few tantalizing details. 




Penpilot said:


> Just gave the Lou Anders formula a spin. Here's my current novel in a nutshell.
> 
> When a down and out spellslinger returns home for a last chance to resurrect his failing career, he has to come to terms with his past, his career, and his ex, before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants, a girl who he doesn't even see.



Looks pretty solid, but the last part confuses me. What do you mean by "before chasing them leads him away from what he really wants"? And if he really wan'ts the girl, why can he not see her? I think this needs some more clarity.




Graylorne said:


> Second version:
> 
> 
> Muus, a slave boy, found a blue shard, sent by the Gods to recharge the magic of an ancient standing stone in a lost Empire. Muus, now bound to the shard, must journey southward through a frozen Kingdom full of treachery. But can he survive against both ruthless enemies and the overpowering will of the shard, when his only companion is the one who hates him most?



Much better, but I'd get rid of a comma or two and combine some things, like this:


> When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its magic compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. Can he keep the shard from falling into the hands of ruthless enemies and resist the maddening effect of its power when his only companion utterly despises him?


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## Leif Notae (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Yes, but it's not a _complete_ sentence. It's a fragment. I was trying not to be a grammar tyrant, but there it is. And why do you choose not to name your protagonist?



Ah, but it is a marketing sentence. Those don't have to word well at all. Why do you need to know the name of my protagonist right now?

EDIT: I'm not trying to draw fire here, I am quite curious why this matters.


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## Twook00 (Dec 4, 2012)

Leif Notae said:


> Ah, but it is a marketing sentence. Those don't have to word well at all. Why do you need to know the name of my protagonist right now?
> 
> EDIT: I'm not trying to draw fire here, I am quite curious why this matters.



I think there's something in a name that captures the imagination and attracts the reader.  It also distinguishes the character.  That said, I don't think it's necessary.

Consider this tagline From IMDB:
_In the distant future, a small waste collecting robot inadvertently embarks on a space journey that will ultimately decide the fate of mankind._

Obviously this is referring to Wall-E, but there's no mention of his name.


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## Leif Notae (Dec 4, 2012)

Right, well then I shall remove the offending sentence. My apologies for the marketing speak.


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## Mindfire (Dec 4, 2012)

Leif Notae said:


> Right, well then I shall remove the offending sentence. My apologies for the marketing speak.



Who did you offend?


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## Leif Notae (Dec 4, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Who did you offend?



No one, but it is apparent the sentence doesn't fit the structure provided so it is offending. No sweat, Mind!


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## Graylorne (Dec 5, 2012)

michael.harrel said:


> Also, tangentially, how is "Muus" pronounced? To me it's reminiscent of "Mouse" (which is good for a Hero's Journey-type story), and "Muse". Pretty sweet.



You're right on both counts. The sound of a Dutch *UU* doesn't exist in English. It's a bit like the sound of a shrill whistle. I think it's best to say 'Muse'. It's meaning is derived from 'mouse', as the boy comes from a small race, very white-skinned, and he is in a land full of tall, strapping Nords.



Mindfire said:


> I just did those as an example. Your actual idea might be completely different from what I came up with. (Which is fine by me, because I'll use it if you don't. Maybe even if you do. Two people can start from the same idea and go two different places after all.)



Help yourself  (This is the most basic concept of my Scarfar w.i.p.) 

New version: 





> When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. But to keep his mind free, he must first regain the magic that was rightfully his. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?


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## Rullenzar (Dec 5, 2012)

Here's mine:
Untitled - A young man named Wulden, raised by simple folk, sets out on a journey of revenge. But, he soon realizes that everything he thought he knew is clouded by something far sinister. 

Short, sweet and to the point.


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## saellys (Dec 5, 2012)

Here's a revised concept for _Camlann_: 

Estranged twin brothers Rasmus and Haelon Korvald have incompatible approaches to restoring their dishonored family, but when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can work together.

This feels like the minimum level of detail needed to convey the conflict, but the sentence is just so dang inelegant. Any suggestions?



Rullenzar said:


> Here's mine:
> Untitled - A young man named Wulden, raised by simple folk, sets out on a journey of revenge. But, he soon realizes that everything he thought he knew is clouded by something far sinister.
> 
> Short, sweet and to the point.



Why is he seeking revenge? Is it somehow linked with the simple folk who raised him? What does "far sinister" really mean? 

I know it seems like these are questions a potential reader ought to be asking when they pick up your book, but it might actually help to get more people to pick it up if you answer some of them in advance.


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## Shockley (Dec 5, 2012)

'He sat there, suffering.'


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

Graylorne said:


> When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. But to keep his mind free, he must first regain the magic that was rightfully his. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?



Better. But the sentences feel a little disjointed. See if you can tie them together more.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

saellys said:


> Estranged twin brothers Rasmus and Haelon Korvald have incompatible approaches to restoring their dishonored family, but when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can work together.



Hmmm... well for starters, do we really _need_ Haelon's (and Rasmus's too I assume) surname? Taking out Korvald will improve the sentence I think. And speaking of sentence, it's a run-on. Sometimes you can be sneaky and get away with run-ons, but I don't think it's working for you here. This whole thing would flow better as two sentences I feel. Also, is it their family they want to restore, or their family's _honor_? There's quite a difference. The first one will require at least one woman, while that is not necessarily true for the second. Also, you tell us very little about the brothers themselves or what they want to do, only that their ideas are incompatible. I'd rewrite the whole thing something like this:



> Despite sharing the desire to restore their family's honor, estranged twins Rasmus and Haelon have chosen contrary paths. Rasmus pursues ___ and ___ while Haelon instead chooses to _____. But when faced with war, rebellion, and plague, their very survival hangs on whether they can combine their opposite styles into an effective team.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

Shockley said:


> 'He sat there, suffering.'



Um... is there a story here somewhere?


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## saellys (Dec 7, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Hmmm... well for starters, do we really _need_ Haelon's (and Rasmus's too I assume) surname? Taking out Korvald will improve the sentence I think. And speaking of sentence, it's a run-on. Sometimes you can be sneaky and get away with run-ons, but I don't think it's working for you here. This whole thing would flow better as two sentences I feel. Also, is it their family they want to restore, or their family's _honor_? There's quite a difference. The first one will require at least one woman, while that is not necessarily true for the second. Also, you tell us very little about the brothers themselves or what they want to do, only that their ideas are incompatible. I'd rewrite the whole thing something like this:



Scrapping the surname: check! 

They're trying to restore the social status of their dishonored family. I'm not sure which angle you'd use for that, or why one would require women, but the other wouldn't. There are quite a few women in _Camlann_. Rasmus and Haelon are the POV characters, hence the focus on them for the summary.

While I can accept (and maybe even derive some satisfaction from) the idea that our story is complex enough to warrant a multi-sentence summary, I'd much rather pare it down.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

saellys said:


> Scrapping the surname: check!
> 
> They're trying to restore the social status of their dishonored family. I'm not sure which angle you'd use for that, or why one would require women, but the other wouldn't. There are quite a few women in _Camlann_. Rasmus and Haelon are the POV characters, hence the focus on them for the summary.
> 
> While I can accept (and maybe even derive some satisfaction from) the idea that our story is complex enough to warrant a multi-sentence summary, I'd much rather pare it down.



That was a joke. See, restoring their _family_ implies that their family has died out and they need to... um... produce more relatives. Restoring their family's _honor_ requires no such action.


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## Steerpike (Dec 7, 2012)

From Hemingway (or at least attributed to him by a playwright):

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."


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## saellys (Dec 7, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> That was a joke. See, restoring their _family_ implies that their family has died out and they need to... um... produce more relatives. Restoring their family's _honor_ requires no such action.



Ah. Gotcha.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

saellys said:


> Ah. Gotcha.


Yeah it's one of those weird grammar things.

And yes I think a multi-sentence summary would be preferable. But if you really want to keep it to one sentence, I'd do something like:



> Rasmus and Haelon, twin brothers with very different ideas about how to restore their family's honor, must find a way to reconcile their many differences in order to survive an onslaught of war, rebellion, and plague.


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## Graylorne (Dec 7, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Better. But the sentences feel a little disjointed. See if you can tie them together more.



When a strange blue shard falls into the hands of the slave boy Muus, its will compels him to carry it across a frozen kingdom to revive the power of an ancient standing stone. To keep his mind free from the shard’s call, he must regain his rightful magic. Can he succeed when his only companion is the one who hates both him and all male magic?


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## saellys (Dec 7, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Rasmus and Haelon, twin brothers with very different ideas about how to restore their family's honor, must find a way to reconcile their many differences in order to survive an onslaught of war, rebellion, and plague.



That's very close to what I'm going for. I'll keep playing with it. Thanks a ton!


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## Phietadix (Dec 7, 2012)

Minfire I Prefer Versions 3 and 4 of yours. They seem more dramatic than 1 and don't imply that they acutally drink blood nearly as much as 2


My story in a nutshell.
_A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever._


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## saellys (Dec 7, 2012)

Phietadix said:


> _A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever._



Lose the epic fantasy buzzwords and give us something concrete. Why are they leaving?


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

Phietadix said:


> Minfire I Prefer Versions 3 and 4 of yours. They seem more dramatic than 1 and don't imply that they acutally drink blood nearly as much as 2
> 
> 
> My story in a nutshell.
> _A ragtag group of adventures in a land cursed a decade ago, leave the slight protection of their city into the surounding wilderness. On a journey that will change the course of their world forever._



As saellys suggests, this is quite vague. Also, your grammar is off. I'd suggest you give us more information about who the characters are and why we should care. What separates _your_ ragtag group of adventurers from every _other_ ragtag band we've read about? What about your story justifies our interest? That's the key. Find that part of your story that sells itself and focus on it.

"ragtag group of adventurers", "cursed land", "journey to change the fate of the world": these are not characters or even plot points. They're just tropes. Tropes are the skeleton of a story, nothing more. Where's the flesh and vital organs? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be harsh. But I think you need to really think about what makes your plot unique, what makes your vision special, and then stick to that.


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## Phietadix (Dec 7, 2012)

Anything more detailed would be hard to desribe in one or two sentances. The Cursed land is the Capital city of the Phietadix nation as well as the nearby Tagia, the curse itself was caused by a wizard who acted in rage at the death of his son, killed acidently in a hunting trip, it involed a famine and cutting the city complety off from the outside world. The ragtag group of adventurers are well just that, not much that they have in common, formed just to pool their resources in the city's crumbling economy. I haven't decided yet why they left. Changing the fate of the world is mainly by ending the curse and returning what's left of the city back into the world.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

Phietadix said:


> I haven't decided yet why they left.



That about sums up your problem. Your summary isn't engaging yet because you haven't fully discovered what your story is about. But that's just fine for now because writing summaries is a good exercise to help you _discover_ what your story is about. Sit down for a while and give it some good, long thought. Sooner or later you'll discover something.


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## Phietadix (Dec 7, 2012)

Not all of them would have left for the same reason. Matthew (the main character) would likely leave to escape the law, he was a assassin/thief as well as and orphan, his father disappearing after bringing the news off the curse to the city. His father may even have been responsible for starting the curse as he was with the wizards son when he died, he might have even caused his death. Jaylen, A paladin of Adonai (If you want to know what that means it'll take awhile) might have even tried to break the curse. Same with the Guard Jonathon. a friend of Matthew's father. Others in their group might have wanted to leave because of the lack of food and other resources in the city. Some might have left because the rest of their group was leaving, strength was in numbers, and it was hard to survive in the city now.


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## Mindfire (Dec 7, 2012)

Phietadix said:


> Not all of them would have left for the same reason. Matthew (the main character) would likely leave to escape the law, he was a assassin/thief as well as and orphan, his father disappearing after bringing the news off the curse to the city. His father may even have been responsible for starting the curse as he was with the wizards son when he died, he might have even caused his death. Jaylen, A paladin of Adonai (If you want to know what that means it'll take awhile) might have even tried to break the curse. Same with the Guard Jonathon. a friend of Matthew's father. Others in their group might have wanted to leave because of the lack of food and other resources in the city. Some might have left because the rest of their group was leaving, strength was in numbers, and it was hard to survive in the city now.



Paladin of Adonai seems fairly obvious to me: a holy warrior of Adonai. 

And I think what you should focus on for your summary is the group dynamic. What's their common goal, if any? Do they agree on how this goal should be achieved? Is there tension in the group? Things like that.


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## Phietadix (Dec 7, 2012)

Their goal is to survive. There is difinitly tension in the group, Between Jaylen and Matthew for instance, Jaylen would never think of cheating or stealing but Matthew does it often.


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## Shockley (Dec 8, 2012)

Mindfire said:


> Um... is there a story here somewhere?



 Of course - it's just completely subjective.


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## MadMadys (Dec 9, 2012)

Story that just came to me: Boy falls for cute, bubbly and affectionate girl who may or may not be a genocidal, warmongering dictator.

I mocked up the entire book just starting with two ideas: 1, there are never any cute girls on trial for war crimes and 2, who says the bad guy/girl can't win?  Plays out like bit of a psychological thriller but ends, well, that's the payoff so why spoil it.


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## Ireth (Dec 9, 2012)

MadMadys said:


> Story that just came to me: Boy falls for cute, bubbly and affectionate girl who may or may not be a genocidal, warmongering dictator.



That girl reminds me completely of a young Dolores Umbridge. There's a fanfic in there somewhere. XDDD


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## MadMadys (Dec 9, 2012)

Ireth said:


> That girl reminds me completely of a young Dolores Umbridge. There's a fanfic in there somewhere. XDDD



Had to google that as I've never read any Harry Potter.

No, I was thinking less, cutesy cruel and closer to, well, Pol Pot.  Perhaps that sounds a bit overly harsh but the story is about what we see on the outside versus what goes on inside a person.


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## Laurence (Jun 20, 2018)

“The disjointed Yeu family learn that they're linked to an ancient life force and travel to its source to discover that they're not welcome to it.”

Does this make you curious or would you say it’s too vague? I’m a fan of keeping things as edited down as possible.


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## Peanut Butter Wolf (Jun 25, 2018)

I personally love building stories off of one sentence no matter how vague and unconvincing that sentence may seem. For example, I've built many stories off the sentence "Time passes, and feelings change". It's a favorite of mine for some good ol' angsty love story within a fantasy world.


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## Malik (Jul 1, 2018)

Twitter pitches are great for drilling down to the basics of your story. 

I used this for #SFFPit last week: _A stuntman-turned-knight gambles the future of a fantasy world in a showdown of profane magic vs. modern steel. _


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## TheKillerBs (Jul 1, 2018)

MadMadys said:


> Had to google that as I've never read any Harry Potter.
> 
> No, I was thinking less, cutesy cruel and closer to, well, Pol Pot.  Perhaps that sounds a bit overly harsh but the story is about what we see on the outside versus what goes on inside a person.


Umbridge wasn't that far removed from Pol Pot tbh.


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## DragonOfTheAerie (Jul 3, 2018)

"Sentenced to certain death in a notorious prison, a teenage criminal is given a second chance when she is kidnapped into a subversive underground to be trained as an assassin, but soon learns that her new family's mysterious leader has hidden motives and deadly intentions." 

Too long?


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## Heliotrope (Jul 3, 2018)

DragonOfTheAerie said:


> "Sentenced to certain death in a notorious prison, a teenage criminal is given a second chance when she is kidnapped into a subversive underground to be trained as an assassin, but soon learns that her new family's mysterious leader has hidden motives and deadly intentions."
> 
> Too long?


Sounds great!


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## Elvin Cross (Jul 7, 2018)

*surgically connecting oxygen tank to lung*The young elven lass gets lost in a forest as she was chased by hyuman hunters plotting to take and sell her as a slave,and as she was about to be captured,a black knight appeared with his/her back facing her,as the black knight raised his/her staff towards one of the men,three loud cracks of thunder rippled in the forest,and all three men in front of them dropped to ground,as Yara dropped to her bum and looked at the black knight terrified,he/she took her hand forcefully and before realizing it,arrived at a metal fortress in the middle of a clearing and wandering around it were metal beast never seen before,or ever mentioned in the books read and as she was fascinated by such scenery, the knight brought her inside the fortress through a rising iron gate,and as they walked deeper into the fort,the gate shut and Yara was reported as missing for a decade in her hometown and already presumed dead,before returning with knowledge unknown to elders,and achieved great feats of magic,and later became a hero who fended the rising empires army at multiple fronts as the alliance barely stands toe to toe with the largest empire,and after many of years of glorious achievements, she travels around the world and learn the secrets and mysteries of the world, and eventually became immortal and perpetually witness the events of the world.
*turns on vacuum cleaner*

Btw there will be side stories centered on the side characters with their pov,each telling also there own story.

Edit:I think I got lazier after thinking how long the summary would be if I continued it the same as the first half...


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