# A little mental health post from Ophis.



## Ophiucha (May 28, 2013)

Hey Scribes,

A little rant from me, just thinking about my anxiety disorder and writing and stuff. I've got anxiety! Yay! It started maybe four years ago, and it wasn't that bad. I knew it was something that could get worse - since my mum has an anxiety disorder and those things sometimes pass down the bloodline - but it didn't stop me from doing things, so I pressed on without thinking about it (note: this was probably a bad idea). Then I dropped out of university for reasons I justified in logical ways, again ignoring my anxiety. I got married and was happy for a while, but my writing... my anxiety stuck around for that. I could feel it niggling at the back of my mind, the self-doubt and mini panic attacks every time I had to really write something. I could do it in small bursts, but a novel was out of my reach. I would again justify this with other things (short stories are just _better_), refusing to acknowledge the anxiety.

And then, about a year ago, my visa expired and real life anxiety hit me pretty hard. No need to get into those details, just a bit of separation anxiety mixed in with the sudden need to go to job interviews and speak to strangers, and for a few months... I _could_ write. I went to a little writer's group in town (with Jenna, who I met on this very forum! hi Jenna!), I had so many other issues in my life that I could just use writing as an escape, and while I was still very anxious about the quality of that writing, I could write that off as just 'regular writer problems'. But then things got a little better, I had some financial support and the distance from my husband lessened, and the long-and-short of it is that I just _can't_ write again. I'm inches away from a panic attack every time I try.

And my mum things I should start medication, like she has. And some part of me agrees, because I think it would help, and some part of me is just terrified that it might help everywhere but my writing - which is the one non-husband thing that means the most to me. That if I start my medication I'll just come to realize how much of my on-and-off inability to write was basically just my own problems, or maybe that my anxiety about everything else was my only motivator to begin with. People talk about how mental health medications can 'change you' and for the most part, I recognize that I kind of need changing, but... you know, this is who I've been for years, and I'm just sort of worried that taking the meds are going to make me change all of my hobbies and regret everything I've done in my life so far (or at least since I went to college). Or that it'll kill my creativity or something, I don't know. You hear horror stories, and it's sort of hard to figure out which ones are from the loonies who think small pox vaccines give your kids autism (and that autism is somehow worse than your kid dying of small pox) and which ones are from respectable health journals, you know?

I don't know, just posting this here to vent my feelings in words instead of articulating them out loud (as stated, this never ends well for me), sort of confessing to myself that yes, the anxiety _is_ a problem, and see if anyone else has dealt with anxiety (or depression, OCD, etc.; it's often the same medication for all of them). Every time I think about it I just set off my anxiety again; it's kind of just a negative feedback loop. 




P.S. You should definitely shorten 'Ophiucha' to 'Ophis' instead of 'Ophiu', because that last one looks and sounds very weird and 'Ophis' is technically more correct in an Ancient Greek sense.


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## Svrtnsse (May 28, 2013)

I don't have any personal experience with anxiety, but I have a few friends who do. Or rather, I have a few friends that I know are taking medication for it. One thing they seem to have in common is that they all at some point were ashamed about having to resort to medication, as if it somehow made them less worthy in their own eyes.
Two of these people I knew both before and after they started using medication. Both of them seem better for it.
One of them stops taking her medication every now and then and it soon becomes apparent in her behavior. It's not an improvement when she stops.
The last one keeps taking it and every now and then mentions that she's happy she does.


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## Kit (May 28, 2013)

I think it's important to not have an expectation (even a secret, subconscious one) that "Once I get on meds, my writing is going to flow like a faucet". Most of us experience some level of chronic challenge with our writing. That's just part of the price for being what we are. If you get comfortable with the concept that there are always going to be writing challenges (SURMOUNTABLE writing challenges), then the idea of trying meds won't be such a do-or-die, make-or-break huge scary thing.


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## Sheilawisz (May 28, 2013)

Hello Ophiucha, I can understand the need to vent out and write a long post like that, to share how you feel and ask for advice.

I have suffered anxiety attacks, chronic depression of the melancholic type, a not so bad OCD all my life and, recently, full-blown panic attacks that are perhaps the worst thing that I have ever felt in my life. I know how devastating all of these can be, so I send you a virtual hug and my wishes that you can overcome this anxiety trouble.

These problems do not affect my writing, because somehow I manage to write even when I am going through hard times, and it even helps me to feel better. I agree with Kit: Most writers and especially us _Fantasy_ writers face serious challenges in our lives, and that is really a part of what we are.

About Meds: I have taken St. John's Wort which messed up my brain chemistry a lot, but it helped me during some months of particularly hard depression. I am afraid of medications and I believe that it's better to take on these challenges without them, but they say that if you find the best med for you, it will improve your life a lot.

My advice would be to consult different doctors and try a variety of meds, to find out which works best for you. My sister was very pleased with the results from Sertraline and many people say that it's really good, so maybe you could give it a try.


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## A. E. Lowan (May 28, 2013)

Oh honey!  First, I will say, it will be ok.  I am right there in that boat with you.  I am bi-polar, with PTSD and severe anxiety and depression.  I'm also probably mildly autistic, but honestly at my age, who the heck knows?

The point is, I've been this way since I was a teenager, and spent most of that time uninsured, which means that I got to spend 20 years untreated, unmedicated, and treading water in the storm.  Thank goodness for your mother, who understands what you are going through and is giving you sound advice.

Being on medication comes with a stigma that you're somehow "crazy."  This is nonsense.  What is happening is your brain chemistry needs help to balance.  This has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with your biology.  *Medication can help*.  Now, it used to be that medications DID do strange things to your personality.  This was decades ago, though.  Modern medications are much more subtle, and there are so many of them available in varying strengths that through honest consultation with your physician you will be able to find a balance that will work for you.  This may take some time, maybe months, but you will find the right combination to calm that anxiety.  The meds will not adversely effect your writing.  In fact, I find that my writing is immensely beneficial to my mental health. If I don't do it, my meds don't work as well.  It's all about mind/body/medication balance.  You just need to find yours, and everything will click into place.

I have been down in the hole where you are, and I still have the shovel.    Message me if you ever need to talk.


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## Ophiucha (May 28, 2013)

Thanks for your comments. Literal thanks, in forum terms.

I shall look into who my doctor is (just one of the fun parts of moving every 6-12 months) and give them a call, try what they recommend. I don't have a lot of money, so I'm not too keen on the idea of starting and stopping medications over and over, particularly if I stop some of them before my prescription runs out, but I might be able to get my parents to cover the cost since my mum is the one who wants me to start them in the first place.

I know writing could still be a challenge in the usual 'writer's block' sense - I've been writing since before I had anxiety, and there were certainly a few days (*cough*weeks*cough*) where I didn't write a great deal. I mean, I think the only reason I even could keep up until... 2011, I guess it would have been, was because I was writing the same story that whole time. Editing and drafting was a lot easier for me, so when I started up new projects it was just like 'woah hey that anxiety thing could definitely be applied to this' and it came in full force out of nowhere, whereas with everything else in my life it was sort of a slow build/cycle of denial.

It's good to know that others have made it through this and still write/write better, and I hope everyone who has continues to do well.


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## Jabrosky (May 28, 2013)

I don't have any anxiety disorder as far as I know, but sometimes I do wonder if I suffer from clinical depression. It's not a chronic condition that afflicts me 24/7, but I do have recurring moments of anger, self-hatred, and stress in which I contemplate suicide. I worry that if I don't figure out what I want to accomplish in life sooner or later, I may actually kill myself.


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## Ophiucha (May 28, 2013)

Jabrosky said:


> I don't have any anxiety disorder as far as I know, but sometimes I do wonder if I suffer from clinical depression. It's not a chronic condition that afflicts me 24/7, but I do have recurring moments of anger, self-hatred, and stress in which I contemplate suicide. I worry that if I don't figure out what I want to accomplish in life sooner or later, I may actually kill myself.



My husband has depression; he's tried anti-depressants, but the side effects bother him too much to continue. It's always a good idea to talk to your doctor, if you can, but I couldn't blame you if you didn't. I've been to the doctor plenty of times since I started college and never bring up my anxiety. But if you're having a good day, take the up moment to schedule the appointment. It's always hard to care enough to do something about it when you're actually feeling the self-hatred and doubt.

*virtual hugs* I hope you sort out things, soon. And hopefully, the depression is just situational. Chronic conditions are the worst.


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## Jabrosky (May 28, 2013)

Sometimes the problem is compounded by a disillusionment with the world at large. I won't get specific due to this forum's political moratorium, but the sheer ignorance and hatred that I see all over the Internet, along with all the injustice in the offline world, depresses and angers me. That I can't do jack about it all brings in the self-loathing. Often I have certain opinions or beliefs that I hold dearly yet are so unpopular that I'm afraid to state them out in the open. That wouldn't be so bad if I could persuade people, yet my experience has shown me that debates are invariably fruitless. People are too close-minded and arrogant to change their minds about anything.


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## A. E. Lowan (May 28, 2013)

One thing I will strongly recommend, for both you guys, is to talk to an actual psychiatrist, rather than just your regular medical doctor.  Your regular medical doctor will have some basic knowledge, and will probably be able to refer you to a specialist, but to get real in depth help you want to kind of specific knowledge a psychiatrist has.

I also recommend a good therapist, or at least someone you can talk to.  I'm actually disabled by this nonsense, so I have access to resources many folks don't, like weekly therapy visits, but I can tell you that they help a whole lot.  Just the talking helps.

And Jabrosky, I remember when I was your age, and the world sucked so bad.  Don't lose hope.  Yes, the world has problems, but there are people in it who are shining lights - look for them.  And never, ever, stop debating, even with yourself.  The point of the debate isn't to change the minds of others.  Think about it.


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## Ophiucha (May 28, 2013)

"Save your pessimism for better times." - Eduardo Galeano.

Hmm, I've never really considered seeing a psychiatrist before. I'm not sure my mother even goes to one, even though she has much worse anxiety than I do (she can have panic attacks that last for a couple of hours, whereas mine usually only last 2-3 minutes). I'll see who is in the area and what my insurance covers, probably go to my regular doctor and see if he has a recommendation for that at least.


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## Rinzei (May 31, 2013)

I can't say that I've had anything as severe as other people, but I've also suffered from mild depression, caused by stress and anxiety. It really makes all the difference to find a program that is willing to help you without running to the meds-route. When I lived in the US, I never considered seeing anyone for it for the same fear as many others - that they'd put me on medication immediately and the side effects would dull me, or (what was arguably worse in my eyes at the time) be dismissed as a hypochondriac/attention-seeker/etc. It wasn't until I moved to the UK, which has a different attitude towards treating things like depression and anxiety, that I decided enough was enough - I knew that how I was feeling wasn't right and I was tired of it. I was referred to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which starts as guided self-guide. I saw a a lovely woman once a week who prompted me, asked me how I felt, and helped, well, guide me towards what I could do to change those feelings. It took me out of my comfort zone a few times, but not by a lot - and the point was that my comfort zone was part of the problem. When the sessions were done (six weeks), I had the option to refer again for another course if I felt the need, but I decided to stop then and continue on my own. It's been a few months since my sessions ended. I'm by no means cured - definitely not. But I am a lot better off than I was and I can keep pushing myself in the right direction with what I learned.

I guess what I'm getting at is that if you can find the right program (I would look up CBT programs), you have every right to want to try this without going to medication first. If you give it a go through therapy first and find that it's just not enough, then it'd be good to consider some pharmaceutical aid. But don't feel that you have to jump on them immediately, and don't let anyone you speak to (family, friends, strangers, DOCTORS) make you feel like you have to either. It's your choice on how you want to approach it.


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## A. E. Lowan (Jun 1, 2013)

Excellent to hear you're doing better, Rinzei!  CBT is also available here in the US, and it really is helpful for people with mild to moderate issues.  I think you are right in suggesting it as a first go alternative to medications.  I honestly forgot all about it - I tried it once, but as my condition is very severe it did not work for me at all.

Therapy is such a wonderful treatment option, medication or no.  Just being able to get those thoughts and questions out into the open and out of your head is so refreshing.  I personally view writing itself as therapeutic for this very reason, which I think makes having an anxiety issue which is triggered by writing is doubly harsh.  And, Ophi, don't feel alone in this.  My writing partner also has anxiety about the physical act of writing.  I think it may actually be fairly common for writers.


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## Filk (Jun 1, 2013)

Hey there,

Thought I'd chime in with my two cents. Be wary of your psychiatrist; they're in with the pharmaceutical companies big time and therefore have the desire to prescribe as many meds as possible. I don't discount all meds, but the (independent) and (scientific) testing done for said drugs is laughable if not downright dangerous.

This may sound weird, but many people have been cured of mental ailments by way of guided hallucinogenic journeys. Since occidental science frowns on natural remedies as they don't make money on them, such practices are not found readily available in America/Europe. I am not suggesting drug use, but do some research on the subject. I have never come to terms with my alcoholism (I no longer drink), but I have read some interesting journals dealing with curing addiction and depression through hallucinogens.

Hope this finds you all well; do something fun for yourself today!


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## Devor (Jun 2, 2013)

Some branches of medication are better than others, and I don't know where they stand at dealing with anxiety.  Find a doctor you trust, be open with your symptoms, and ignore everyone else.  But if you're afraid of medication, I understand monthly massage therapy can help a lot with anxiety.


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## Firekeeper (Jun 2, 2013)

I have battled social anxiety disorder for years. My first job was in fast food, and I would get so nervous working with the public I'd feign the need to use the bathroom just so I could go in one of the stalls and cry, it would get so bad. My hands would shake, making me hit wrong buttons on the register and screw up orders, which would make the customer yell at me, so it was a cycle: my anxiety would make me make the errors that would anger customers, and the fear of angering them made my anxiety worse. 

Meds help, absolutely. But also self-talk makes a big difference as well. My anxiety largely came from a lack of confidence. The more confident I became in myself the less anxiety I felt around others.


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## Sheilawisz (Jun 7, 2013)

I have been fighting an Anxiety disorder after a rather serious complication appeared in my life last April, causing at first several panic attacks (the most awful thing I have felt in my life) and later a softer but persistent anxiety, which tortured me all May and the first days of June.

This is caused by a problem in my life that I have to face one way or another, so I have been feeling like I was trapped inside a cage with a tiger, trying desperately to escape while knowing that there is no way out but to fight the tiger and hope for the best outcome...

I came to the conclusion that I could not deal with the severe anxiety without chemical help, so I have started taking a concentrated liquid made of Passion Flower (also known as Passiflora) and guess what??

The first day I was feeling all weird, but now I have enjoyed a peaceful night of good dreams and today I woke up feeling a beautiful calm and peace... It's like I had forgotten what it's like to feel almost normal, and even though I am still worried and fearful because of the problem that I have to face, it's a normal worry now and I can deal with it.

Actually the first effect that I noticed was that the fear was not hurting me so badly anymore (in my case, it would feel like an intense, awful pain in my chest), and this medicine acted so fast, it's really wonderful...

I recommend Passion Flower medicine for anyone who suffers from the anxiety disorder =)


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