# Need help addressing a couple of comments



## BWFoster78 (Jul 24, 2012)

Warning, this first one is a little bit risque (PG-13 at the absolute worst though).

From The Power of the Mages Chapter 28.3:



> He shrugged off her baffling change in demeanor.  “Ashley, I’m not doing this because of some kind of power struggle between you and me.  I won’t sign that statement.”
> 
> Raising her hand to her neck, she held it less than an inch from her skin.  She traced the contour of her body down to her thigh, emphasizing the swell of her breasts and the curve of her waist.  “Isn’t this everything you wanted?  Sign and you’ll have all of me, the parts I’ve reserved for only the man I’m to marry, the parts every man I’ve met has lusted after since I flowered.”
> 
> ...



Overall, I like this passage a lot.  However, I got feedback from my writing group that the paragraph starting with the word "Raising" is trite, cliched, pretty much laughable.  Any thoughts on how to fix it?

From The Power of the Mages Chapter 29.2:



> His mouth snapped into a thin line.
> 
> “That’s what I thought.”  She opened her fist.
> 
> ...



The question involves the paragraph starting with "the gold band."  I like it, but my group doesn't because the ring can't actually strangle him and the clinks can't batter him.  Apparently, the ring can mock him, though.  

They're really literal, which I am most of the time.  I like the symbolism/metaphor here.  Does this bother you?

Thanks so much in advance for the opinions!


----------



## Ireth (Jul 24, 2012)

I don't think the word "raising" is trite at all. If she's elevating her hand from a lowered position to her neck, then "raising" is what she's doing. If you want an alternative, "lifting" would also work.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 24, 2012)

Ireth,

They think the whole paragraph is trite, not the word.

Thanks for the quick response, though.  I accidentally clicked submit and didn't even get finished editing before you posted.  You win the fast fingers award!


----------



## T.Allen.Smith (Jul 24, 2012)

I think I understand what they're getting at. The whole tracing the body from breasts to waist maneuver might be considered trite. It's what cat-calling men have been motioning in the air for decades, if not centuries. Because of that it may seem a bit played. Personally, I don't have any issue with what you've written but if you want to move away from a reader potentially thinking its trite then there's plenty of options.

You could have her disrobe. You could have her open the front of a robe, you could have her slip out of her clothes just moments before rounding a corner into a changing room. - basically you could have her show her body to him. By the dialect where she is baiting him & acknowledging that men have been lusting after her for awhile, this doesn't seem too far of a stretch for that character.

If for some reason, you don't want any verbal nudity, she could have simply chosen a very alluring outfit that day. Maybe it's a dress that doesn't require those well known hand motions.... The low neckline, bare back, and long slits running up the side of each leg do all the physical work for her. She just has to offer with her words.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 24, 2012)

T.Allen.Smith said:


> I think I understand what they're getting at. The whole tracing the body from breasts to waist maneuver might be considered trite. It's what cat-calling men have been motioning in the air for decades, if not centuries. Because of that it may seem a bit played. Personally, I don't have any issue with what you've written but if you want to move away from a reader potentially thinking its trite then there's plenty of options.
> 
> You could have her disrobe. You could have her open the front of a robe, you could have her slip out of her clothes just moments before rounding a corner into a changing room. - basically you could have her show her body to him. By the dialect where she is baiting him & acknowledging that men have been lusting after her for awhile, this doesn't seem too far of a stretch for that character.
> 
> If for some reason, you don't want any verbal nudity, she could have simply chosen a very alluring outfit that day. Maybe it's a dress that doesn't require those well known hand motions.... The low neckline, bare back, and long slits running up the side of each leg do all the physical work for her. She just has to offer with her words.



I don't know.  The actual nudity seems to take things a bit far, but maybe not.  The group suggested that I have her place his hand on her breast.

Just want to get some opinions.

Thanks for the response!


----------



## Steerpike (Jul 24, 2012)

The only thing that stood out to me in the first paragraph was "flowered." That seemed a bit much to me, though it is hard to tell based on a short excerpt. Immersed in the larger work, it might fit, but as it is that particular word makes me take this less seriously.

I like the ideas in your second example just fine, and I think your group is being way too literal. If one insists on a literal interpretation of every word, then one could hardly read any literature at all without many, many objections. I get what you are going for with "strangled," but I'm not sure I like that word in particular. But the rest of it, and the general idea of what you're trying to do here, is perfectly good writing in my view.


----------



## Ireth (Jul 24, 2012)

Ohh, I see. Clearly I misunderstood.  Thanks for the award! ^^

Looking at the whole thing, I still don't see what's "trite" about it. It's straightforward and clear, which is good. The one thing that bothers me, possibly just from a lack of more context to the scene, is why Ashley's willing to give her virginity to Xan in spite of an obvious desire to wait until marriage -- I'm assuming that Xan is not the one she means to marry, since the "agreement" sounds more like a sex-related business contract than a marriage certificate. To be honest, it make me think of a recent review I read of "Fifty Shades of Grey", which referenced a part in the book where the female lead must sign a contract written by her boyfriend before they can have sex. The BDSM prevalent in Fifty Shades gets under my skin a bit, even just hearing about it.

As for the second paragraph, I don't really like "the gold band strangled" either. It's confusing; at first I thought she was pulling on a necklace of some kind that was literally choking him. "She wound her hand behind her head" is a little confusing as well -- does it mean she's moving her hand back to throw the ring, or perhaps closing her hand into a fist? I don't mind so much that the clinks batter him, though. And I loved the last paragraph, very punchy and emotional.


----------



## T.Allen.Smith (Jul 24, 2012)

Doesn't have to be nudity.

Point being, there's loads of little ways a woman can put her sexuality out there.... The hourglass figure hand motion might be you thinking like a man. What would a woman, who knows she's hot, really do? My guess is that she won't refer to her body the way a stereotyped construction worker would.

Also, you didn't ask them what they meant by trite? Always make sure they give reasoning or a critique statement.

As far as the second example goes, I agree with them. It reads funny to me. If you want to show his reaction to her giving him the ring back, do so in a way that is clear. Mentioning that he saw the ring and then his words or breath caught in his throat is probably better than writing "the band strangled" or "the diamond mocked". The ring can't take any action against him but it can certainly have an effect. Don't confuse that by making the ring into an actor in the sentence.


----------



## JonSnow (Jul 25, 2012)

You could cut out the first two sentences, and add the "neck" part to the third. "She traced the contour of her body from neck to thigh...."  Gives the same imagery, without needing the first two sentences. The only thing those first two sentences added was her finger to her neck... now that is just part of the rest of the action.

I have no problem with a woman doing this finger-tracing thing...using her sexuality to manipulate men. That type of interaction is as old as mankind itself. It could be that she is mocking the men who only think with the head between their legs, if you take my meaning.


----------



## Ankari (Jul 25, 2012)

It all depends on the worldliness of your character.  If she is a bit naive about what draws a man's attention, then I would keep this in the book.  From this paragraph, that is how I picture Ashley (btw, for some reason I've always loved this name).

Now, if she is a woman who knows what drives the juices in men, I would rewrite it.  I'll try a quick example of the direction I would suggest:



> "She lowered her head, staring from beneath glistening lashes with smoldering eyes.  An inviting smile curled in wicked delight as she slowly moved before him.  Blood throbbed the rhythm of desire in his ear, carrying with it burning need through his body.  His breath caught in his throat so that his chest would not touch hers.  Her breath joined the throbbing in his ears, calling for him with a primal song.  A soft hand hovered over his neck, cruelly taunting his body to yield into her touch.
> 
> 'Isn’t this everything you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me, the parts I’ve reserved for only the man I’m to marry, the parts every man I’ve met has lusted after.'  She breathed the words in his ears, her lips igniting sparks when the contacted his ears.
> 
> ...


----------



## Lorna (Jul 25, 2012)

I think the main problem with the first paragraph is it tells us nothing about what Ashley looks like and doesn't describe much of Xan's reaction. I'm guessing she's been described earlier on though?



> Raising her hand to her neck, she held it less than an inch from her skin.



So far there's nothing sexual at all here. The movement seems robotic. 'Less than an inch.' That's a mathematical way of looking at it. 'Raising her hand to her neck, Ashley's fingers hovered tantalising close to her (tanned / pale) skin. Xan's pulse rose.' 



> She traced the contour of her body down to her thigh, emphasizing the swell of her breasts and the curve of her waist.



I don't think a woman would do this. Not unless Ashley's very young and naive. You might be better with leaving this out and showing how Ashley's small gesture touching her neck has affected Xan. 'Unable to prevent his gaze dropping lower, glimpsing her cleavage and imagining the shape of her breasts, fighting against his desire Xan looked away.'



> “Isn’t this everything you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me,



This is fine. 



> the parts I’ve reserved for only the man I’m to marry, the parts every man I’ve met has lusted after since I flowered.”



Apologies, really disliked this. I can't see any woman as referring to her body as 'parts' reserved for a future husband. I was also put off by the term 'flowered.' I think the first to sentences are fine and this can be removed



> The gold band strangled the air from him,



I was confused on a first hearing. I didn't realise it was a ring. I thought 'has he been attacked by a magical golden band?' (!). I'm not sure if a ring can strangle the air from someone. Although the oppression of a relationship can, which is what I think you're trying to put across. 

What about something like 'the golden band on his ring finger seemed to constrict, strangling the life from him.'



> and the glittering diamond mocked him with tiny fire-like rays.



This is great, really liked it. 



> A metallic clang sounded, echoing off the walls, each clink battering him.



The metallic clang and the clink worked- onomatopeia. I'm not against the clink affecting the character but I don't think a clink would 'batter.' When I think of battering I think of wood or stone. How about 'each clink ringing through him / each clink chipping into him' like... find a metaphor for a how his wife pulling the ring off his finger makes him feel.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

Ireth said:


> Ohh, I see. Clearly I misunderstood.  Thanks for the award! ^^
> 
> Looking at the whole thing, I still don't see what's "trite" about it. It's straightforward and clear, which is good. The one thing that bothers me, possibly just from a lack of more context to the scene, is why Ashley's willing to give her virginity to Xan in spite of an obvious desire to wait until marriage -- I'm assuming that Xan is not the one she means to marry, since the "agreement" sounds more like a sex-related business contract than a marriage certificate. To be honest, it make me think of a recent review I read of "Fifty Shades of Grey", which referenced a part in the book where the female lead must sign a contract written by her boyfriend before they can have sex. The BDSM prevalent in Fifty Shades gets under my skin a bit, even just hearing about it.
> 
> As for the second paragraph, I don't really like "the gold band strangled" either. It's confusing; at first I thought she was pulling on a necklace of some kind that was literally choking him. "She wound her hand behind her head" is a little confusing as well -- does it mean she's moving her hand back to throw the ring, or perhaps closing her hand into a fist? I don't mind so much that the clinks batter him, though. And I loved the last paragraph, very punchy and emotional.



Ireth,

Xan and Ashley are engaged at this point.  I understand that intrepreting it is difficult without the full context.  She's trying to get him to do something and is threatening to break off the engagement if he doesn't comply.

I think the context takes care of the first bit of confusion.  We see him getting the ring to her earlier in the scene, and, I think, the reader will be primed for it to make an appearance.  Do you think it still would have been confusing if you had known to expect the ring?

Maybe I need to better illustrate the throwing motion; that is what I'm going for.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

Ankari said:


> It all depends on the worldliness of your character.  If she is a bit naive about what draws a man's attention, then I would keep this in the book.  From this paragraph, that is how I picture Ashley (btw, for some reason I've always loved this name).
> 
> Now, if she is a woman who knows what drives the juices in men, I would rewrite it.  I'll try a quick example of the direction I would suggest:



Still not exactly what I'm going for.  I'm not sure what exactly that is, but I'm hoping I'll know it when I see it.

She definitely knows why men are attracted to her, and she uses it to her advantage.  Your version, however, makes her too much the vamp.  I guess I need a little more innocent but still provocative.  It's hard to find that balance.


----------



## Ireth (Jul 25, 2012)

BWFoster78 said:


> Ireth,
> 
> Xan and Ashley are engaged at this point.  I understand that intrepreting it is difficult without the full context.  She's trying to get him to do something and is threatening to break off the engagement if he doesn't comply.
> 
> ...



Knowing that they're engaged definitely makes it much less confusing. I guess I should have picked it up earlier, what with the significance of the ring and all. ^^; I still take a bit of issue with her referring to Xan as "the man I'm going to marry," which is vague and unclear. Though I suppose given the uncertain question of whether or not he'll sign/she'll break the engagement, it does make sense.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

> I'm guessing she's been described earlier on though?



Yes.



> So far there's nothing sexual at all here. The movement seems robotic. 'Less than an inch.' That's a mathematical way of looking at it. 'Raising her hand to her neck, Ashley's fingers hovered tantalising close to her (tanned / pale) skin. Xan's pulse rose.'



Good point.  

In your suggestion, you show Xan's reaction.  I'd prefer for Ashley's actions to speak for themselves without having to filter it through Xan.  



> Apologies, really disliked this. I can't see any woman as referring to her body as 'parts' reserved for a future husband. I was also put off by the term 'flowered.' I think the first to sentences are fine and this can be removed



Ashley considers her body a bargaining chip, and her marriage will be for power, not love.  Does this help with you seeing the phrasing?  Nobody seems to like "flowered," though I'm pretty sure I stole the phrasing from Jordan.  I'll change it.



> I was confused on a first hearing. I didn't realise it was a ring. I thought 'has he been attacked by a magical golden band?' (!). I'm not sure if a ring can strangle the air from someone. Although the oppression of a relationship can, which is what I think you're trying to put across.
> 
> What about something like 'the golden band on his ring finger seemed to constrict, strangling the life from him.'



There are two separate issues here.  

1) The confusion about it being a ring.  I think that it's obvious from the rest of the scene.  I'll consider it more deeply though.

2) Some don't like that a ring can't literally strangle someone.  It's metaphorical, and I like the imagery.  However, Steerpike seems to be the only one who likes it.  Since the two of us don't agree terribly much from a style standpoint, maybe I should reconsider.

Thanks again for the reply!


----------



## JonSnow (Jul 25, 2012)

BWFoster78 said:


> Yes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I liked the whole sequence, actually. Some of the wording can be cleaned up. I have no issues with the metaphors. There's no problem with "flowered", either. Its common in medieval and/or fantasy literature. You could use "since I got my blood", or "moon blood", or many variations if you felt the need to change it... nobody has the patent on any of those female cycle terms.


----------



## ShortHair (Jul 25, 2012)

Re: first passage

Women don't have to be so obvious. She'll know instinctively how to get her message across. It might be a turn of the head and a veiled look. It might be a few words in a husky voice. It might be a subtle shift in posture. He'll feel that "wave of heat" without knowing what hit him.


Re: second passage

Nothing wrong with metaphor. What's bothering people here, I think, is the variety of effects. The ring strangles him, mocks him, and batters him, all in one paragraph. Pick one and stick with it.


----------



## T.Allen.Smith (Jul 25, 2012)

I still think the main problem comes from you writing her like a man. Maybe that's the intention? Maybe she's kind of tomboyish & knows she's sexy but a bit awkward with it? If so, then you're not far off & some little tweaks will help.

However, if you want her to be more womanly I'd advise asking some women in your life how they'd see her trying to leverage sex to get what she wants. It's not an uncommon thing for a woman, in some stage of her life, to tease with sexuality.

I ask my wife, sister, sister-in-law, stuff like this all the time.


----------



## JonSnow (Jul 25, 2012)

From reading this, I got the impression that this woman has no intention of being subtle... she knows exactly what she is doing, by controlling men with sex (or dangling the promise of sex in front of them). It is certainly a more aggressive approach than you would think most women would take, and it would actually turn off some men (myself included). I'm not sure how BWFoster intended on portraying her. But if she has the more overt, aggressive type personality, it would fit. There are certain types of men who would continue to chase her, even given the methods she is using.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

JonSnow said:


> I liked the whole sequence, actually. Some of the wording can be cleaned up. I have no issues with the metaphors. There's no problem with "flowered", either. Its common in medieval and/or fantasy literature. You could use "since I got my blood", or "moon blood", or many variations if you felt the need to change it... nobody has the patent on any of those female cycle terms.



I know.  I was confused with all the negative reaction to "flowered."  It seems pretty standard to the stuff I've read.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

JonSnow said:


> From reading this, I got the impression that this woman has no intention of being subtle... she knows exactly what she is doing, by controlling men with sex (or dangling the promise of sex in front of them). It is certainly a more aggressive approach than you would think most women would take, and it would actually turn off some men (myself included). I'm not sure how BWFoster intended on portraying her. But if she has the more overt, aggressive type personality, it would fit. There are certain types of men who would continue to chase her, even given the methods she is using.



Here are some insights into her character thus far:

She dresses provocatively, especially when contrasted to the other girl characters.

She teases in a joking manner using sexual innuendo, liking that most of it goes over Xan's head.

She's kinda resentful about being bartered as little more than an enticement for a political alliance even though it's her choice to do.  At other times, though, she embraces the role.

Men have pursued her from a young age both for her looks and the power that comes with marrying her.

Bottom Line: The scene needs to be clearly understandable to Xan that she's emphasizing her sexuality, and he's kinda dense on the subject.  At the same time, I don't want to go too far with her, making the sexuality fun and flirty rather than hardcore dirty.

Does any of this make sense?

Thanks again for the help!


----------



## Penpilot (Jul 25, 2012)

Part 1:

The description seems campy, but if that's they style of what you're going for, there's nothing wrong with camp. But if you're going for something more serious. I have a question. Does Xan have emotions for her other than lust? If he does and she knows this, she can play off it and the description of her seduction can rift off the emotional as well as the physical. Generally speaking, I think emotional seduction is more sexy than physical.

I don't know if it's any better, but maybe something along these lines? 

She drew him close, rubbing her thigh against his. "I feel your warmth. Can you feel mine? That warm can extend to other places if we can come to an agreement." Taking his hand, she placed it above her heart, and did the same with hers. She whispered into his ear. "Is this what you want?"


Part 2

I don't have any problem with the strangling and mocking and battering that happens in that paragraph, but together it seems like it's laying it on a bit thick and feels melodramatic. Maybe in context with more of the emotions involved more evident in the scene it might not seem that way, but just from the clip I read, that's what it feels like.


----------



## Zero Angel (Jul 25, 2012)

I'd like to chime in with my opinions on the original post.

First, I don't see anything wrong with the _paragraph_ being "trite" because this could imply that the character herself is the same way. Sometimes the most obvious, overused actions are obvious and overused for a reason. It seems from the posts (and others appear to agree) that this is intentional in her character and not something that should be changed.

As far as the metaphor with the rings--I like it, but I recommend making sure it is clear that it is figurative. I usually preface heavy use of figurative language with clear descriptions of reality. I especially like using figurative language to emphasize that a character is "tweaking out" as this character seems to be doing.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

> The description seems campy, but if that's they style of what you're going for, there's nothing wrong with camp. But if you're going for something more serious. I have a question. Does Xan have emotions for her other than lust? If he does and she knows this, she can play off it and the description of her seduction can rift off the emotional as well as the physical. Generally speaking, I think emotional seduction is more sexy than physical.



I'm definitely trying to avoid campy in this section.

I also think that Ashley tends to seduce physically rather than emotionally.  Good suggestion, but it doesn't fit the character.



> I don't have any problem with the strangling and mocking and battering that happens in that paragraph, but together it seems like it's laying it on a bit thick and feels melodramati. Maybe in context with more of the emotions involved more evident in the scene it might not seem that way, but just from the clip I read, that's what it feels like.



Point taken.  Thanks.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

> It seems from the posts (and others appear to agree) that this is intentional in her character and not something that should be changed.



Another good point to consider.



> I especially like using figurative language to emphasize that a character is "tweaking out" as this character seems to be doing.



I'm not completely getting the concept from your comment.  Do you mind sharing an example?

Thanks for the reply.


----------



## Zero Angel (Jul 25, 2012)

BWFoster78 said:


> I'm not completely getting the concept from your comment.  Do you mind sharing an example?



I cannot think of an example off the top of my head. But I associate major figurative language like that with characters that are experiencing sensory overload (either from drugs, some transformation that increases their senses (werewolf, vampire, etc) or from being overly dramatic).


----------



## Ghost (Jul 25, 2012)

I had a lot of the same reactions Lorna did. A phrase like "less than an inch from her skin" is oddly specific when the lady is trying to be seductive. I didn't picture the hourglass figure motion because I wasn't sure what she was doing, but now that I have a better idea, Ashley seems detatched from her physical self, especially combined with "the parts I've reserved" lines.

Maybe she could do something similar, but slightly different? Like trailing her fingers down her side, along the curve of her waist and hip. Or if her dress is low cut, she might wear a pendant and trace her fingers around it, which would draw his gaze toward her cleavage. "Isn’t this" she could say, "what you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me."

You lose the parts and flowers, and the pause after "this" let's us know exactly what she means given where her hand is. It still might be too vampy for Ashley, so it's only an example. I really think her dialogue might improve if you omit the the parts after "Isn't this what you wanted?"

I think the rest of the conversation is fine.



BWFoster78 said:


> The gold band strangled the air from him, and the glittering diamond mocked him with tiny fire-like rays. She wound her hand behind her head, preparing to throw the ring. At the last second, she let it slip from her grasp as if she couldn’t even muster enough emotion to hate him. A metallic clang sounded, echoing off the walls, each clink battering him.



I didn't realize it was a ring, but I'm sure it would've been clear from earlier passages. Maybe "The sight of the gold band" could work? I got a weird image when she "wound her hand behind her head" preparing to throw something, like a cartoon character winding his arm in circles before he makes a throw. "Wound" puts me in mind of a circular or spinning motion, but I'm probably the only person who read it that way. lol

The sentence with the metal clang seems melodramatic. I have a hard time imagining the sound because it seems too noisy for such a small thing. It's just my opinion, but I think it's just as dramatic for it to be a soft sound—a sound he wouldn't normally hear but he was actively listening for it—and despite the lightness of the impact it makes the air feel heavy. While something like that would ground me in the scene, I don't know if it's meant to be over-the-top. If Xan's emotions are intense and if he's easily affected, it makes sense for his emotions to color the scene so that his senses are exaggerated.

I think you do a great job of showing the tension between Xan and Ashley, BWFoster78.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

> Maybe she could do something similar, but slightly different? Like trailing her fingers down her side, along the curve of her waist and hip. Or if her dress is low cut, she might wear a pendant and trace her fingers around it, which would draw his gaze toward her cleavage. "Isn’t this" she could say, "what you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me."



I like this a lot.  Exactly what I was going for, just toned down to be more suggestive and less trite.  Cool.  Thanks.



> I got a weird image when she "wound her hand behind her head" preparing to throw something, like a cartoon character winding his arm in circles before he makes a throw. "Wound" puts me in mind of a circular or spinning motion, but I'm probably the only person who read it that way. lol



I was thinking of a pitcher winding up in baseball.  I'll fix it.



> While something like that would ground me in the scene, I don't know if it's meant to be over-the-top. If Xan's emotions are intense and if he's easily affected, it makes sense for his emotions to color the scene so that his senses are exaggerated.



I was going for exaggerated for just the reason you described.  I'm just not so sure that I should now.  

Thanks again for the comments.  I found them most helpful.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 25, 2012)

How about this:

Excerpt from The Power of the Mages Chapter 28.3



> She fiddled with the engagement ring, holding it in front of the light from an oil lamp burning in the corner.  “Did I tell you how much I love it?”
> 
> He shrugged off her baffling change in demeanor.  “Ashley, I’m not doing this because of some kind of power struggle between you and me.  I won’t sign that statement.”
> 
> ...


----------



## Ghost (Jul 25, 2012)

I like this version.

Why does he call the contract a "statement" early on? (Yeah, it was in the earlier version but I didn't notice it there.) She calls it an agreement, which makes more sense to me. I'm not fond of "cutest bark of a laugh." I'm curious about what parts of their bodies almost touch. She touches his cut in the same sentence, presumably with her hand. I want something more specific than "his body with hers" to help me visualize what she's doing and how it could tempt him.

The part about the sword can be trimmed, I think. I assume you already described the cut and how Xan got it, so "and stroked the scar/cut under his eye" works. For me, "where the sword had cut" slows the momentum. It reminds me of the past when I want to be in the here-and-now.

This time, nothing stopped me from reading because the excerpt was easier to understand. I like your rewrite because it flows better and I don't wonder what's up with Ashley. This looks like something I'd read.


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 26, 2012)

> Why does he call the contract a "statement" early on? (Yeah, it was in the earlier version but I didn't notice it there.) She calls it an agreement, which makes more sense to me.



Yeah.  Maybe statement isn't a good word.  I like contract.



> I want something more specific than "his body with hers" to help me visualize what she's doing and how it could tempt him.



Noted.



> I assume you already described the cut and how Xan got it, so "and stroked the scar/cut under his eye" works.



I get that, but the cut was healed magically.  There's no trace of it.  I wanted to show where Ashley was touching and emphasize a bit a tenderness by having her stroke where the cut used to be.  I can't think of a better way to say it.



> This looks like something I'd read.



Thanks.  Thats about the best compliment I can get.


----------



## gavintonks (Jul 26, 2012)

“Ashley," he shrugged, "I am not doing this because of a power struggle with you," He stared at her his body language showing he was quite adamant." The confusion at her change in demeanor showed clearly in the sharp angle of his eyebrows. he raised his voice, "between you and me, I will not sign this statement.” His face was now a shade of red and his pupils shrunk to pin-pricks.

Raising her hand to her neck, she stopped and inch from her skin in shock at his sudden outburst.She thought a bit, and then with a twisted smile and lust in her eyes, she lowered her voice to a smokey thrum,“Isn’t this everything you wanted?" her voice could make a man's toes curl. I hated it when she did that.

She closed her eyes, I could imagine what she would do to me, I could see she imagined her hands on mine as she traced, too damn delicately,I thought the contour of her body down to her thigh.

I swallowed and goose flesh ran down my spine, no one had such control, I swallowed and my mouth went dry, I could not look but stood a child open mouthed at seeing her emphasizing the swell of her breasts and the curve of her waist, like some first teenage peek in a strip club.

“Isn’t this everything you wanted?“ she said again in even more sultry, when I did not or really could not reply without loosing her game.
"Sign and you’ll have all of me," she whispered now an innocent, desiring only me, she coyly opened her eyes a slit,this she whispered and blew the words to me, she floated her hand across the dark cross between her legs, "this" she whispered, "is reserved," she stopped and panted, pretending this man had just touched her, she groaned,.

I was shocked at this display but she held me captive as she knew my desire for her.

A sigh escaped her lips and she tilted her head back. her hand fluttered a wounded dove," I could not take my eyes away,      She dropped her head and hair drifted across her face causing sultry shadows, damn her now even the light was on her side."this she said," and opened her eyes wider and breathlessly pouted the words," this is reserved for the man I marry," all I could think of is how lucky he would be.

"do you lust after me too since I flowered?” Her sultry question made him blush.

“Of course that’s what I want.” He stammered, "I mean1" he tried to corrected himself, "stop this." 
"Stop what she asked startled and innocent."

" No" he said, and left his mouth open, 'yes I mean,' and closed it, "you know what I means!" he finished at last exasperated.

"woman." he muttered under his breath and tried to avert his eyes, and turn his face so the obvious red flush was not so obvious."damn them." he muttered again to himself.

She turned her head and lifted her hand in mock shock and indignation, "me" she smiled, "never" she laughed managing to put everything into that one word that betrayed him as the guilty one here.


“You don’t fight fair,” he said, flushing again.

“I do not fight," she became all coy again, "I only ever win.” 
"damn her he thought to himself in total frustration

“I don’t want to fight at all.” he tried to sound reasonable and extract himself from this mess

She smiled. “Then sign the agreement.” she was all business like as she pulled a pen and contract from behind her back the sultry godess gone in a flash


----------



## BWFoster78 (Jul 26, 2012)

Gavintonks,

Thanks for the reply, but not really what i was going for at all.  

There's too much explanation of the reason for every movement for my taste.


----------



## Ghost (Jul 26, 2012)

BWFoster78 said:


> I get that, but the cut was healed magically.  There's no trace of it.  I wanted to show where Ashley was touching and emphasize a bit a tenderness by having her stroke where the cut used to be.  I can't think of a better way to say it.



So there's no longer a trace of the mark. I can't think of a better way to say it, either. I can certainly think of worse ones.


----------

