# Can I get feedback on the major themes of my story? (Lot's of details inside)



## LuciferXerxes (Jan 9, 2015)

Hello! I am relatively new to this site, but not to writing. I have been working on a pseudo-fantasy concept for a while, and I would like some feedback on my core ideas. I don't know if this is the place for dropping all my ideas, so if it fits in a better place, do tell me.
I don't know how well I can format this, so I will just talk about the ideas I have.
I am leaving out major details for some things, so if I need clarifying, or if you have any questions, do ask. I have worked out a lot of this. Sorry for wall of text, I tried to format it some.

Magic​:
First off, it isn't traditional magic. Instead of all kinds of powers, it is more grounded in a specific reality. In order to use any power, you must have a Void Rune tattooed somewhere on your body, where you will use it. (Mainly the arm). Void runes are alchemy like circles that act as 'portals' to an alternate dimension called The Void(More on that later). also, they all for the most part look the same. a large circle, with one smaller circle in the center, and three around it. the three circles each hold a symbol for Body, Mind, and Void. the middle holds the rune for what you are using. 
    I don't want to limit it too much, but the main abilities are: Fire, Lightning, Earth, And Ice. 
there is also an abiilty, Flesh, which is used to create weapons from your own body.
These can be adapted with specialized runes to do different things. 
    In addition, it strains the body. the more you have you more stress your body is under, therefore extensive training is needed for extreme amounts, like full body armor, etc. 
. 

History​
So, two ancient space faring races that exclusively used Void runes for everything, never needing to advance in normal technology. Eventually, both races gained immense power, and the leaders of both races became Godlike.
One race, The Kylothians, Large, muscular, and humanlike, became what I call 'angelic' They stood for order, and the 7 Virtues. The Leader was Named Kyon. The other race, Vaiisks, Tall and thin beings with extremely long and thin ears, became demented, and stood for the Seven Sins. Their leader was Ais'fer. Both races soon found each other, and waged war for thousands of years. Eventually what was left of both races, including their leaders, became stranded on a single planet. The two race's leaders made a pact; Their race was weak, and had sacrificed so much. They merged their souls together and created two new species. the Kyn (Humans, Pronounced kin) and Ailf (Elves). They taught the first generation how to use Void runes, and then pulled away. The Kylothians all died out, but the Vaiisks still had some power, and inhabited their own small continent far to the east.

Religion​
Religion has a lot to do with government and how they live their lives. 
The Kylothians had seven virtues. Chastity, Temperance, Charity, Diligence,  Patience, Kindness, and Humility. These seven virtues become the seven branches of their government. In addition, the Vaiisks had seven sins. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride, Respectively. These values are not seen as something to be unmade; Instead, they are set aside as necessary evils. In addition to the normal military, each Sin has a special branch.

Culture​. 
In the beginning, both races grew similarly to their origins. Both follow the Teachings, and started close. But eventually some parts of both races came to dislike each other. a splinter of radical Ailfs packed up and moved to a small continent to the east. Meanwhile, something massive was approaching from the sky. A massive needle like ship was crashing down. Ais'fer, in her own continent attempted to shoot it down, but only partially damaged it. it crashed in the south, and released something. 3/4ths of the total populations of both Kyn and Ailf species, instantly became unable to use any Void circle. Now, up to this point Tech was extremely minor in favor of Void circles. This event led to a massive rise of technology. 
   One country, Vaus'gur took advantage of this, and gathered a massive military of normal soldiers, and most of the Void circle users left, and waged war on the Radical Ailf Nation. The ailfs, given time to advance their own circles and tech in secret, stood on even ground. 
Up to this point the Flesh circles weren't used at all by any races. Only the remaining Vaiisks could use it. The military leaders secretly learned how to use the Flesh void runes from them. Flesh runes allow for weapons and armor made from bone, along with adapting limbs to suit needs. this pushed the military into extreme power, and they soon won the war. They let the Radicals keep their continent, but still held control and kept the ideals the same for them.

Other things/conflict​It has been many years since the war, and mass industrialization has taken hold. As I said, the setting has WW2 level tech. Early automobiles are becoming a thing, but most travel is done by train or boat. Planes do not exist yet. most combat is done by weapons Similar to WW2 weapons. Not exactly the same in shape, but similar designs. the seven virtues run the government, and the seven sins each run their own elite operations, along with guarding their respective Virtue. The normal military wears mainly military uniform with some armor pieces, and the Sin soldiers wear full body armor. 

tensions are rising between Vaus'gur and the Radical Ailfs. The Remaining Vaiisks are starting to advance closer to the country. And, soon, a massive generation spaceship will come to the planet. They are the ones who sent the Needle that ended most peoples use of Void Runes, and they plan on attacking.

That extra race, was at one time long ago, a race born on the very edge of the universe. Not a single one of them could use Void runes, so they advanced technologically, and created a small empire of their own, peacefully. Then the war between Kylothians and Vaiisks had engulfed one of their worlds.
     Enraged, this unknown race grew to hate the two races, and took all their resources and started on a path of war technology. Slowly but surely they advanced in weapons tech, and found a way to advance their lifespan thousands of times. they conquested, hunted the planets with people that could use void runes. They first sent the Needle ahead of their Generation ships,  to disable all use of Void Rune use, then when they arrived they warred with any who resisted and brought the rest into their ranks. Now they have their sights on the new planet, The one Kylothians and Vaiisks were left on. They don't expect that the race partially survived the Needle, and have merged tech use and Void rune use. 

I'm so sorry for wall of text, But please do read all of it, and tell me about it. I have tried to flesh out almost everything I have listed, so do ask questions. I just want to hear from someone else about this. I also have a basic map made, and have it posted here: http://oi58.tinypic.com/2ywa3co.jpg


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## WooHooMan (Jan 9, 2015)

I'm digging it.  In fact, I almost feel compelled to steal your magic system.
Not totally crazy about the actual conflict (as you describe it here) but I don't have the time to get into why right now.
But still, good stuff.   
I would recommend finding a more visual way to explain your setting.  A better map, description of geography or what the people look like.  Just something beyond story details.  
I think the hallmark of good fantasy is a strong aesthetic.  And the ability to convey visual aesthetics through text is the hallmark of a good fantasy writer.


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## Logos&Eidos (Jan 10, 2015)

LuciferXerxes said:


> Hello! I am relatively new to this site, but not to writing. I have been working on a pseudo-fantasy concept for a while, and I would like some feedback on my core ideas. I don't know if this is the place for dropping all my ideas, so if it fits in a better place, do tell me.
> I don't know how well I can format this, so I will just talk about the ideas I have.
> I am leaving out major details for some things, so if I need clarifying, or if you have any questions, do ask. I have worked out a lot of this. Sorry for wall of text, I tried to format it some.
> 
> ...



First congratulations on picking the science-fantasy genre,it's very under populated

 Your magic system reminds me of Symbology from the Star Ocean series. Like your Void runes, Symbology involves tatooing symbols of power onto  the body of the practitioner. Which in my mind is a very solid paradigm for magic, definitely makes enchantment easily understood.


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## bjza (Jan 10, 2015)

This may be a personal preference and others will certainly disagree to some extent, but the direct Christian parallels with the virtues and sins is off-putting. Not only in that it feels like cheating at world building, but that I suspect it will make it difficult to write the Vaiisks and their allies/followers as compelling characters. There's room for great conflict in the latter end of your history and culture ideas, but the cosmological foundation seems one dimensional because of the religious overtones.


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## WooHooMan (Jan 10, 2015)

Usually when I read "religion" sections of other people's settings, they just talk about gods so I'm glad some one is focusing more on morality.
That being said, I think Bjza is right.  It's a little lazy just picking-up the Christian virtues/sins.  I don't think it harms the setting in any major way but you could really come up with something stronger.


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## Roc (Jan 10, 2015)

I don't think I agree with the last two posts about taking influence from Christianity. Plenty of stories, famous ones like the Chronicles of Narnia, for example, have grounded their plots by making them parallels to religious tales. As for however lazy it is — well that's not for them to judge how much work and thought you've put into your ideas. Shame on them for accusing you of being 'lazy' without a drop of knowledge about your creative process. I like the ideas of your ancient races and can picture them in my head. The idea of tattoo magic is also an interesting concept. It reminds me of the Immortal Instruments. You could take it in a lot of great directions. Like someone else stated I like that you've entered the science/fantasy genre, I don't read much of it because I don't there is a lot. Good luck in your world building endeavors.


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## WooHooMan (Jan 10, 2015)

Roc said:


> As for however lazy it is — well that's not for them to judge how much work and thought you've put into your ideas. Shame on them for accusing you of being 'lazy' without a drop of knowledge about your creative process



I'm not judging.  LuciferXerxes asked for my impression and I gave it to them.

Perhaps, I should've said "unoriginal" rather than "lazy".  I was just trying to suggest that if LuciferXerxes were to not rely on the familiar Christian virtues and sins, they could instead come-up with a morality system that ties into the world better or at least would feel more unique.
As it stands, the "religion" section is the part of this setting that struck me as the most underwhelming.


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## LuciferXerxes (Jan 12, 2015)

WooHooMan said:


> I'm not judging.  LuciferXerxes asked for my impression and I gave it to them.
> 
> Perhaps, I should've said "unoriginal" rather than "lazy".  I was just trying to suggest that if LuciferXerxes were to not rely on the familiar Christian virtues and sins, they could instead come-up with a morality system that ties into the world better or at least would feel more unique.
> As it stands, the "religion" section is the part of this setting that struck me as the most underwhelming.



I understand what you mean. 
With the whole Virtues and Sins thing, it's based off other things than "Christian Undertones." Mainly, a few of my inspirations. Essentially, at the beginning, I wanted a Final Fantasy-esque Fullmetal Alchemist. Now it's changed a lot but still.
Originally, It was just the Sins. The society 'set aside' these necessary evils to make themselves better. A Sin soldier was trained to become almost the same as his sin, and while still useful to the government, also act as an example for other people. For example, Sloth soldiers are given some kind of drug, that makes them appear lazy and timid, and for the most part feel that way. But the Government controls how much they get it (Read: Almost never) So they become extremely aggressive if threatened. 
Does that make sense? The Virtues came later. And I'm still in development stages, So I could change it to where the Sins and Virtues are purely Kyn and Ailf constructs, based on individual Kylothians and Vaiisks.

That reminds me, I left some things out. The Kylothians and Vaiisks aren't Good and Evil. More along the lines of Order and Chaos, but not exactly there either. It's more that the 'beings' that inhabit their leaders cause that. Kylothians are described as Majestic. Meanwhile Vaiisks are described as Demented. 
If the god's were animals, Kylothians would be Wolves, Lions, and Hawks. Meanwhile, Vaiisks are Worms, Slugs, Insects, Deep sea animals.

Anyway, thank's for the feedback. So I don't keep making chapter long post's, I'ma take abreak and write up a more detailed Magic system.
Thanks again.


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## WooHooMan (Jan 12, 2015)

LuciferXerxes said:


> I understand what you mean.
> With the whole Virtues and Sins thing, it's based off other things than "Christian Undertones." Mainly, a few of my inspirations. Essentially, at the beginning, I wanted a Final Fantasy-esque Fullmetal Alchemist. Now it's changed a lot but still.
> Originally, It was just the Sins. The society 'set aside' these necessary evils to make themselves better. A Sin soldier was trained to become almost the same as his sin, and while still useful to the government, also act as an example for other people. For example, Sloth soldiers are given some kind of drug, that makes them appear lazy and timid, and for the most part feel that way. But the Government controls how much they get it (Read: Almost never) So they become extremely aggressive if threatened.
> Does that make sense? The Virtues came later.



Once I had people accusing me of being lazy and ripping-off of Fullmetal Alchemist when I used Christian lore as an inspiration.  Weird how that happens.

Anyway, a religion of "what not to do" instead of a religion of "what to do" sounds like it could be pretty interesting.  A religion that has extensive sin-ology but never once mentions virtues - like some kind of cynical religion that believes in the worst of people.  That's a neat idea.

However, I don't understand why any government would want to use soldiers as examples of bad people.  Most cultures have a very high opinion of their soldiers.  If soldiers were accepted as the "scum of the Earth", I don't think the citizenry would want them protecting the country.  You'd think the government would use the underclass or even foreigners as examples of sinners.  Sort of like what the Nazis did.
I also don't get how this drug works.  Is it like a withdrawal symptom?  You get injected once and you're calm but if you don't get your fix, you become aggressive?


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## LuciferXerxes (Jan 12, 2015)

WooHooMan said:


> I'm digging it.  In fact, I almost feel compelled to steal your magic system.
> Not totally crazy about the actual conflict (as you describe it here) but I don't have the time to get into why right now.
> But still, good stuff.
> I would recommend finding a more visual way to explain your setting.  A better map, description of geography or what the people look like.  Just something beyond story details.
> I think the hallmark of good fantasy is a strong aesthetic.  And the ability to convey visual aesthetics through text is the hallmark of a good fantasy writer.



Yea, I left the conflict lacking. For one thing, I knew I wanted a War to have happened ~so many years prior, that sparked the need for flesh Runes. Other than that I don't have much. The main conflict is this technologically advanced race that hates Void runes and their power, because of what the Kylothian-Vaiisk war did to them. This race's entire existence is the Decimation of Void runes.
Now your thinking "How can the Kyn and Ailfs Possibly defend against this?" One major theme I've started is that Void runes replace technology. With Runes tech never advances, without it tech advances exponentially. What make's the Kyn and Ailf different is the fact that the Alien race's Rune Inhibiting weapon partially failed. The Needle is a weapon that somehow renders beings unable to use Void Runes. This Alien race has only fought either a race that only uses Void Runes, or a race that lost the ability and started advancing. The situation with still having some people that can use Void Runes, Plus the fact that they are descended from what was considered the masters of Void runes, leads to the Alien race being somewhat stumped. 
The Kyn and Ailfs are essentially the only race to have ever advanced with Both. As for the war and Vaiisk movements, F*** if I know how I want to do them yet. I think i'll change the Ailf radicals to a radical nation, and develop Aus'gur as an empire, ruling over several other countries. if you or anyone else has any ideas, Tell meh.


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## LuciferXerxes (Jan 12, 2015)

WooHooMan said:


> Once I had people accusing me of being lazy and ripping-off of Fullmetal Alchemist when I used Christian lore as an inspiration.  Weird how that happens.
> 
> Anyway, a religion of "what not to do" instead of a religion of "what to do" sounds like it could be pretty interesting.  A religion that has extensive sin-ology but never once mentions virtues - like some kind of cynical religion that believes in the worst of people.  That's a neat idea.
> 
> ...



Okay, So it's like this:
The sin's are evil, but have good in them. I like what you said, And I think i'll do it. Never mention the virtues, but instead lace them into the Sins. "too much Pride leads to foolishness, but if you find the balance, you can use it to your advantage, for good." Does that make sense? As with Sloth, "Rest is needed for society to function, but Laziness ruins society"

As for the drug, while not fully developed yet, it makes the user much better than they normally are. Improved strength, speed, etc, as a Side Effect. The main effect is the inner calm it causes. The side affects last longer than the intended effect. So, Sloth soldiers tend to act lazy to try and make the effect longer, but if messed with or, in some cases, sent into a mission without a fix, they act as berserkers. Each Sin also acts as a 'Class'. I will divulge the sins later, probably after I post a more detailed Magi system.


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## LuciferXerxes (Jan 12, 2015)

Can someone help me come up with different name's for the Virtues? I want to do what WooHooMan suggested, but I still need some basis. The Virtues were meant to be the government officials representing their Sin. IF you could give ideas for words that mean the opposite of their sin, that would be helpful.

EDIT: How does Paragon (Sin here) sound? Their's Pride, then there is the Paragon Pride, the absolute best use of that sin.
 Also, in addition to being political leader's, Paragons started as soldiers, and as such are often considered the best of their Sin. I am thinknig of using the latin words for their sins as Titles.


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