# The Only 10 Must Follow Rules Every Writer Needs



## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

I came up with a list of rules that every writer absolutely needs to follow. 

1. Write about cats. Everyone loves cats. Don't believe me? Millions of hits on Youtube says you're wrong.

2. Make sure your prologue contains a cat. If it doesn't, go and change it right now.

3. More explosions. Hollywood blockbusters strive on this. Why not books? If we really want people to read our books, we need more explosions.

4. Every character in your novel needs at least ten weapons. More weapons=winning book.

5. Every character in your novel needs to be described down to even the most minute detail. 

6. More monologues (meaning more people talking to themselves.) If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

7. More archaic language. If you disagree, I have one word for you: Shakespeare.

8. More rule 1+rule 7. 

9. I propose a new genre that every fantasy writer should work in: splatter-elf. This transcends grimdark and includes more and more elves with buckets of blood being sloshed all over the page. Elf blood=money.

10. Every novel has to be between 80,000-900,000 words. There is no flexibility here. I'm going to put money on the fact that 900,000 word books will be the wave of the future.

Follow these rules and I guarantee you'll be successful. If you don't, then it's only your fault what happens to your writing career.


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## Chilari (Apr 1, 2014)

Thanks Phil. I've been struggling with writer's block recently and your post helped me realise that I need to put more cats and explosions into my novel. Here's my new opening:

The mine exploded and cats poured out of the tunnel into my cell. It must have been a dream, because that stuff is weird, yo, but then Siril came and said my name and it was real. There were more explosions and cats as we made our way up out of the mine into the night, stepping past the dead elf guard who was so completely covered in _so much blood _half way up the tunnel. I drew my left short-sword as we approached the opening, and heard a gunshot ahead, so then I put away my left shortsword and pulled out my dual pistols, before thinking better of it and taking my rifle off my back. I held it one handed while unstrapping my smoke-grenades from where they were kept on my trouser leg. I pulled the pins with my teeth and tossed them ahead of us, swearing loudly, then drew my sabre. _Pof pof pof_ and the smoke grenades went off. Through the smoke, there were shouts, screams, meows and the sounds of more explosions.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 1, 2014)

Chilari,

Oh. My.  Gawd!  When can I buy this novel?

My only complaint: maybe a few more cats and maybe bigger explosions and, perhaps, a tad more blood and weapons.

Totes Fabu!


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## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

Chilari: I really like this, but I'm sorry, there are not enough cats. However, I did like the "pof pof pof" part. In fact, it's my favorite line ever.


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## Chilari (Apr 1, 2014)

Brian, I'm so glad you like it. I'm gonna self-publish some time it next week, after I've written another 899,600 words on it. And don't worry, there will be so many more cats and explosions in it, and also weapons. Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons; he will be a major character right to chapter 547.


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## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

BWFoster78 said:


> Chilari,
> 
> Oh. My.  Gawd!  When can I buy this novel?
> 
> ...



I'm in complete agreement except that the explosions were perfect in my estimation. Maybe have the explosions be a little less telegraphed? That would be my only addendum.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 1, 2014)

> Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons;



Best.  Idea.  Ever!


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## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

> Brian, I'm so glad you like it. I'm gonna self-publish some time it next week, after I've written another 899,600 words on it. And don't worry, there will be so many more cats and explosions in it, and also weapons. Chapter 76 will introduce a character who is a cat who is an explosions expert and also has a lot of weapons; he will be a major character right to chapter 547.



899,600 words? Isn't that really long?

Oh wait, I remember my advice from earlier now. Carry on. 

Just a tip, I think your cat explosions expert should have the following weapons:

Dagger, knife, longer knife, dagger-knife, curved knife, bone knife, switchblade, switchblade comb, and knife-bomb. I don't know what a  knife-bomb is, but I'll leave that up to you.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 1, 2014)

> Dagger, knife, longer knife, dagger-knife, curved knife, bone knife, switchblade, switchblade comb, and knife-bomb. I don't know what a knife-bomb is, but I'll leave that up to you.



Phil,

While your rules were quite masterful, I'm quite, quite disappointed by this list.  I'll give you the knife-bomb as a stroke of literary genius, but how can you have a cat explosions expert with no ninja weapons?  Really!?!

At a minimum, the cat simply must possess a throwing star.


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## Svrtnsse (Apr 1, 2014)

BWFoster78 said:


> Phil,
> 
> While your rules were quite masterful, I'm quite, quite disappointed by this list.  I'll give you the knife-bomb as a stroke of literary genius, but how can you have a cat explosions expert with no ninja weapons?  Really!?!
> 
> At a minimum, the cat simply must possess a throwing star.



I just assumed all cats are by default ninjas. You've seen them jump right?
It's food for though though. May have to try and add some clarity there.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 1, 2014)

Svrtnsse said:


> I just assumed all cats are by default ninjas. You've seen them jump right?
> It's food for though though. May have to try and add some clarity there.



Of course all cats are ninjas!  Ninjas need ninja weapons.  Duh!


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## Chilari (Apr 1, 2014)

Yeah, my cat explosions expert (Jack LeCat-Bombier) will have all those suggested weaapons and MORE, including throwing stars, throwing knives, a grappling hook with spikes on that can be used as a weapon, nun-chucks, nun-chuck-pipe-bombs, nun-chucks with mini-grenades hidden in a compartment in the handles, nun-chucks with pipe-bombs hidden in a compartment in the handles, a mini-katana, a second mini-katana with mini-grenades hidden in a compartment in the handle, a pair of flintlock pistols with images of explosions engraved in gold in the grips, a slightly smaller pair of flintlock pistols made of ebony so they're black and suitable for ninjaing with images of cats engraved in the grips, a mini-pistol kept hidden in case Jack LeCat-Bombier is searched and all his other weapons are confiscated, or in case he's in disguise as a princess at a posh party; and finally, a whip, like Indiana Jones.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 1, 2014)

Love the cat-engraved grips and the Indy whip.  Awesome!

EDIT: The funny thing is that I find myself getting excited about this project.  If you were to do a Jack LeCat-Bombier anthology, I'd probably try to write something for it.  Just a thought...


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## Svrtnsse (Apr 1, 2014)

There should be a giant robot cat with laser nun-chucks for whiskers. They're like light sabers but nun-chucks and laser instead of light.


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## Legendary Sidekick (Apr 1, 2014)

I was thinking the cat would have exploding elves as weapons. Little elves with pointy hats that stay on, so when the elf is thrown at you it sticks into you. Then, BOOMSPLAT!, you become a bloodsplosion[SUP]TM[/SUP].

The weapon would be called a Blood Elf. The cat who throws it would be Darkravenpanther of the Nightstalker Clan of Deathmarsh Swamp.


...which is not really a swamp, but a murky bay in the Sea of Blood, which is only 47% blood. It passes the 50% mark on page 523,894, and is more blood than water for the remainder of the novel, hitting 51% on the page where the main character sacrifices 8 of his lives just to be awesome. He even has a clever line. "I'm a cat, you jerk. You gotta kill me nine times, or it's boomsplat for you. Jerk." Then I narrate, BOOMSPLAT. As the reader, it's your responsibility to know that means the cat killed every bad guy in the chapter with a single Blood Elf.

STEALTH EDIT - The elf dies, too.

Stealthy like a cat! Boomsplat.


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## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

> Love the cat-engraved grips and the Indy whip. Awesome!
> 
> EDIT: The funny thing is that I find myself getting excited about this project. If you were to do a Jack LeCat-Bombier anthology, I'd probably try to write something for it. Just a thought...



See? My rules are fool-proof. Fool...proof.



> I was thinking the cat would have exploding elves as weapons. Little elves with pointy hats that stay on, so when the elf is thrown at you it sticks into you. Then, BOOMSPLAT!, you become a bloodsplosionTM.



OK, I'll say it first: splatterelf anthology coming soon in which every story has to feature exploding elves as weapons. Do it. Submissions are due on January 32nd, 2004.


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## Penpilot (Apr 1, 2014)

OMG OMG OMG.... I can't believe it. I just wrote a story that fits the ten rules exactly. But I'm going to add a special feature to all my e-books. When someone opens up an e-book version of my story, a ninja cat jumps out being chased by elves. Exactly one micro-second later, the book will explode behind them and engulf the elves in a ball of fiery doom. The resulting carnage (or BBQ depending on which way you swing) smells oddly like candy, Cranberry Schnapps, and crispy chicken all in one.


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## Devor (Apr 1, 2014)

Penpilot said:


> OMG OMG OMG.... I can't believe it. I just wrote a story that fits the ten rules exactly. But I'm going to add a special feature to all my e-books. When someone opens up an e-book version of my story, a ninja cat jumps out being chased by elves. Exactly one micro-second later, the book will explode behind them and engulf the elves in a ball of fiery doom. The resulting carnage (or BBQ depending on which way you swing) smells oddly like candy, Cranberry Schnapps, and crispy chicken all in one.



Readers will never buy it.  The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, _Orange_ Schnapps, and _smoked ham_."  You need to do your research.


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## Penpilot (Apr 1, 2014)

Devor said:


> Readers will never buy it.  The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, _Orange_ Schnapps, and _smoked ham_."  You need to do your research.




AWWWWW!!! Stoopid Mythbusters.


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## Svrtnsse (Apr 1, 2014)

Don't believe the hype. Give people what they want. After all, everyone knows cranberry schnapps is what really puts the hairs on the chest of the barbarians.


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## Michael J. Tobias (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm thinking of a little old librarian cat lady who is the hero. She has 1000 cats that explode on command. That's right. 1000 cats, 1000 weapons, 1000 explosions. Library patrons who talk on the cell phone in the library, you people are DOOMED.


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## Philip Overby (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm really glad my post inspired you all. You may all thank me in the dedication section of your sure to be bestseller books. 

I actually will have an e-book ($59.99) out soon called "How To Put More Cats and Explosions in Your Story So People Don't Fall Asleep or Give you 1-Star Reviews Because There Aren't Enough Cats and/or Explosions: Part 1."

Also I expect free copies of your books...and truffles. I like chocolate truffles.


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## Svrtnsse (Apr 1, 2014)

Philip Overby said:


> Also I expect free copies of your books...and truffles. I like chocolate truffles.



Wait... we need truffles in the book too? Crap, now I'll have to edit everything all over again, but if you say so, truffle-chewing laser-ninja elf-cats it is.


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## DassaultMirage (Apr 2, 2014)

I'll change my MC and give him 10 cats and a bucket filled with elf blood as weapons.

1,2,3,4 and 9 = solved


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## Devor (Apr 2, 2014)

Honestly, a puss-in-boots-type cat explosives expert killing a bunch of elves would make an _awesome_ youtube video.


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## psychotick (Apr 2, 2014)

Hi,

How did this thread go from having more cats and explosions to having more cats exploding? My cats were unhappy when they heard this and are now somewhere behind my couches clawing the backs out of them. Phil, I blame you for this and will send a bill (or an exploding chocolate truffle - I haven't decided) in the mail!

Now that I think about it I have decided. Just remember that the best chocolate truffles tick!

Cheers, Greg.


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## BWFoster78 (Apr 2, 2014)

All kidding aside:

If Chilari isn't going to write a Jack LeCat-Bombier story, she at least needs to sponsor a challenge utilizing the character.  I really, really want to read about a ninja cat explosives expert.


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## deilaitha (Apr 2, 2014)

Okay, so I'm a little tardy to this party, but I absolutely love this thread.  Everything about it has made me laugh, particularly Lengendary Sidekick's use if the word "bloodsplosion."  I don't know whether you came up with that or got the idea elsewhere, but that. is. awesome. 

All the talk about splatterelf made me think of this game that circulated the internet 10 or so years ago: elf bowling.  You were Santa, and the elves were bowling pins.  When you hit them, sometimes they'd get bruised.  If it was a good hit, one would just explode and cartoony blood went everywhere.


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## Zero Angel (Apr 2, 2014)

I can't believe I even clicked into this thread after seeing this so many times on the forums before only to be pleasantly surprised. THANK YOU FOR THE SATIRE. 

Oh wait, but elf blood and cats are effective...


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## Legendary Sidekick (Apr 2, 2014)

deilaitha said:


> Okay, so I'm a little tardy to this party, but I absolutely love this thread.  Everything about it has made me laugh, particularly Lengendary Sidekick's use if the word "bloodsplosion."  I don't know whether you came up with that or got the idea elsewhere, but that. is. awesome.


Well, if I did rip that word off from somebody, I trademarked it:


			
				ME! said:
			
		

> bloodsplosion[SUP]TM[/SUP]


…so it's my word now. It's legally protected.

And I like BOOMSPLAT even better, so BOOMSPLAT's illegally protected. By him:






Or her. I never feel right checking under the tail. That's how my cat ended up being named Felix… three weeks before we discovered she was pregnant.

(RIP Felix, 1989-2005)


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## Penpilot (Apr 3, 2014)

Legendary Sidekick said:


> Well, if I did rip that word off from somebody, I trademarked it:
> 
> Quote Originally Posted by ME!
> bloodsplosionTM
> ...



I just realized where I know that word from. It's a skill in the video game Borderlands 2 Bloodsplosion - Borderlands Wiki - Walkthroughs, Weapons, Classes, Character builds, Enemies, DLC and more!

You can try to take it but it belongs to this guy. 







His name is Krieg, and he says "I know what I have become... I am the inside of this world... I taste the gore, and I smell the crying... AND I WANT MORE! I want to bathe in your flesh, I want to savor your fear. I wanna live inside a castle built of your agony, AND I WANT TO CRUMBLE IT WITH AN AXE TO YOUR CAROTID ARTERY!"

He's a psycho... literally... so umm... good luck with that claim.


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## James Chandler (Apr 3, 2014)

Phil,

So, should I have a cat named Shakespeare covered in elf blood as part of my Prologue or is it and elf named Shakespeare who explodes?

Am I understanding these rules correctly? Where do I sign up for the workshop? Will there be a DVD collection of the lectures?


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## Philip Overby (Apr 3, 2014)

James Chandler said:


> Phil,
> 
> So, should I have a cat named Shakespeare covered in elf blood as part of my Prologue or is it and elf named Shakespeare who explodes?
> 
> Am I understanding these rules correctly? Where do I sign up for the workshop? Will there be a DVD collection of the lectures?



It needs to be a elf with a cat face that explodes when it drinks its own blood. A vampelfeline (TM). Sidekick isn't the only person that can trademark stuff around here.

Also please don't share these 10 rules I shared. I made them special for Mythic Scribes because I love all you folks so much. If you betray my trust, I won't send you a free e-book version of my really long titled book that I forgot the name of already (Something Something Cat Elf Something Blood Fountain...)


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## Legendary Sidekick (Apr 3, 2014)

Penpilot said:


> He's a psycho... literally... so umm... good luck with that claim.


Aww, boomsplat it all to hell! He probably protects that word illegally, too. I guess I lose. I hope that psycho chokes on an elf. The exploding kind.


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## Penpilot (Apr 3, 2014)

Legendary Sidekick said:


> Aww, boomsplat it all to hell! He probably protects that word illegally, too. I guess I lose. I hope that psycho chokes on an elf. The exploding kind.



He'd probably like that. If you want to really hurt him, give him flowers, pat him on the head, and say good boy, kind boy. That'd drive him nuts... umm... nuts-er.


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## Hainted (Apr 3, 2014)

Rule number 11: Your protagonist MUST be female, and supernatural, and lusted after by every supernatural male in a 1000 mile radius and even though she eventually finds her one true love(the "jerk" she couldn't stand from book one) she has sex with many of them anyway.


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## Ravana (Apr 4, 2014)

Devor said:


> Readers will never buy it.  The Mythbusters episode confirmed that because of the explosives in the book, the burning elves would actually smell like "candy, _Orange_ Schnapps, and _smoked ham_."  You need to do your research.




But, but wait… if _they're_ "Mythbusters"… and _we're_ "Mythic Scribes"… oh, man, this is awesome! I'm talking totally made-the-big-leagues awesome! We just got us…

…an *ARCHENEMY!*

_Brilliant!_ Every worthy, long-term-viable protagonist needs one of those.

I'm already visualizing the movie deals.… 

•••

[Note: we, of course, will win. They may bust myths… but they still have scriptwriters. That is to say, "scribes." No matter how powerful their forces of demolition, in the long run they're doomed.]


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## Ravana (Apr 4, 2014)

Philip Overby said:


> 1. Write about cats. Everyone loves cats. Don't believe me? Millions of hits on Youtube says you're wrong.
> 
> 2. Make sure your prologue contains a cat. If it doesn't, go and change it right now.
> 
> ...



Should you ever need to justify the above in a context apart from the present one, here's the Translation for Professors of English Literature and Composition:

(1) Cross-cultural awareness is on the rise, and of late has moved beyond bridging mere differences of gender, ethnicity and religion. Recent trends show particular focus being granted to feline perspectives. 

(2) Introduce pivotal characters at the outset.

(3) Dynamic physical action keeps your readers involved.

(4) A good protagonist should be versatile and prepared to overcome a variety of challenges.

(5) Use concrete detail.

(6) Provide insight into your characters' psychologies through introspection.

(7) Vary your vocabulary.

(8) Be especially aware of the vocabulary employed by your cross-cultural characters, as this constitutes a major facet of characterization.

(9) In the present post-post-modernism era, authors have finally elected to come to grips with the grim, dark and painful realities of our world, favoring unvarnished portrayals over comfortable, reassuring, sanitized and bowdlerized settings and actions. Inasmuch as you’re writing fantasy and are therefore not obliged to limit your portrayal of the grim, dark and painful to what is possible within our reality, take this tendency and run with it.

(10) When in doubt, Proustify.


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## WeilderOfTheMonkeyBlade (Apr 4, 2014)

So basically what's being suggested here  is that Michael Bay should write a book, only with added cats, and a couple of swimming pools worth of Elf blood??? *narrowed eyed stare* am I right?? 

I have actually got a Magic Otter in my current WIP- No joke, though it doesn't do much. What I'm thinking is, from this thread, is that I should make it a ninja, give it a cat's face to wear as a ninja mask, and cover it in elf blood. Then give it a few weapons; 

Hammer, super hammer, rpg, .44magnum, pocket tank, a sword bomb, a potato grenade, a Kanata, a fiery katana.... no, two of them, magical numchucks, a claymore, really small explosive elf cats that run around and blow up, maybe a flame thrower, a shoulder mounted trebuchet. And I was thinking a shiv, but I don't know if that would be over the top.......

OHHH..... AND THEN COVER IT IN MOREEEEE ELF BLOOD


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## Noma Galway (Apr 4, 2014)

Ravana said:


> But, but wait… if _they're_ "Mythbusters"… and _we're_ "Mythic Scribes"… oh, man, this is awesome! I'm talking totally made-the-big-leagues awesome! We just got us…
> 
> …an *ARCHENEMY!*
> 
> ...



YES! The pen is mightier than the bomb.


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## Philip Overby (Apr 9, 2014)

Sorry, but I felt I needed to bring your attention to the fact that I've now clearly defined splatter-elf, the only "dark" genre that is clearly defined. If you would like to write a story in this genre, please check with me first to make sure you're writing it right. If you don't write it correctly, I'll send you an email saying, "You are not a splatter-elf author. Please try again in 30 days."

Thank you.

(Click my signature if you want the skinny. Don't want Mythic Scribes to get Google-whacked for duplicate content.)


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## Mythopoet (Apr 9, 2014)

Has anyone yet suggested an explosion _of_ cats? For instance, imagine a volatile magical substance which when exposed to too much heat will explode, resulting in the spontaneous creation of a horde of cats flying through the air in all directions. It could be called the Schrodinger Solution.


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## Chessie (Apr 9, 2014)

^^ That would be super adorable. Here, kitty!


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## James Chandler (Apr 10, 2014)

I can think of no reason (other than the fact this post is motivated in large part by lack of sleep) why bloodsplat could not also be a sug-genre of grimdark. A cross-over of bloodsplat and splatterelf would open the door to some very subtle and nuanced commentary on grimdark as a whole. Like, what if troll blood was actually sand? Metaphors about time and life in the midst of all that death... breathtaking. I see promise here. We need to organize a workshop. I will take reservations for a small deposit of only $300. We will need to keep the class sizes down to about 78 or the price will need to be raised from $2800 to $5500 per participant, plus reading fees, of course.


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## psychotick (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi,

Brilliant! Only thing is schrodinger solution is too much of a mouthful. I'd simply call it a cat bomb. But you could take the idea further. By squeezing more cats into a tighter space and adding a handle you could create a throwing version - say a cat grenade or catenade. Bury them underground with a trigger and you have a cat mine. (Air supply might be an issue.) And while we're at it has anyone thought of stuffing a cat own a missile tube and firing it. Just think of the impact of a flaming Miss Miggins coming at an elf soldier at five hundred miles an hour, claws extended! The catzooka would be a terror weapon!

Cheers, Greg.


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## Zero Angel (Apr 10, 2014)

This is sounding more and more like a frenetic anime. In fact, I'm surprised I haven't seen this already...


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## Ravana (Apr 10, 2014)

"Kagekensai Nekogyakusatsuyosei Ball Z Baka"? You haven't seen that one yet?

Guess it didn't get a lot of circulation, since it's hentai.…


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## SeverinR (Apr 10, 2014)

So a best seller:
Cats armed with at least 10 weapons speaking their own language, talking to themselves more then to anyone else, dodging explosions and explosives all over the place, trying to save the splatter  elves, a breed of non-violent artistic elves that suffer from hemophilia, from extinction from explosive hairballs?


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