# Query and Synopsis Workshop



## Matthew Bishop (Sep 19, 2011)

*THANKS FOR THE HELP EVERYONE! I have standardized the synopsis and query letters and have another 50 versions of them besides*




Hey everyone!

So I've got two "final" queries and one "final" two-page synopsis, and I was hoping to get some feedback on them. I have heard that queries are best as 200-300 word bits, so whatever is the weakest I should cut.

AND in return for your excellent, gracious, and most-needed help, I would be glad to edit letters/chapters!

SYNOPSIS:

Synopsis: To Be Free
ADDRESS LINES ONE AND TWO

Gendorn, Bendoraun and Meiln were born as prisoners in the penal colony of Gaoln. They are born 40 years after the partitioning of Gaoln, and are raised as part of a generation born inside of a prison. When Governor Centreal proclaims himself King of Gaoln and secures passage to invade the nation to the north, the Skaelin Lands, which are guilty of utilizing the prison colony, Gendorn and Bendoraun find the opportunity to seize their freedom from their captors—but they must leave Meiln behind.

When Gendorn and Bendoraun arrive in Skaen, they find a land more beautiful than they could have imagined, and they believe themselves to be only a step away from their freedom. Their reverie is broken by their short-tempered captain, Luncas, who forces the naÃ¯ve young boys to remain at his side so he can watch over them. This is the start of Gendorn and Bendoraun’s entrance into the world of captains, commanders, and kings—but for now, they are only two boys.

Gendorn and Bendoraun are knocked unconscious in the first battle after watching their friend die. They wake up inside Port Tekal, the city they captured, to find the army has moved on and left only a small force behind. Gendorn discovers that Port Tekal was inhabited by ex-soldiers whose families were killed while they were fighting in the Civil War of Skaen, and feels remorse over the two men he has killed. Soon after regaining consciousness he sets out with Bendoraun and some other soldiers to rendezvous with the army—but already Gendorn is a changed man, and more the man than the boy.

The army, meanwhile, has changed its route, leaving Gendorn, Bendoraun, and the others lost in the cold wilderness of Skaen. The group splits up when they find themselves pursued by enemy scouts, and Gendorn and Bendoraun stumble upon a village recently burned by their own Gaolnian Army. In an ironic twist of fate, the villagers here save their lives by taking them in, thinking them to be refugees themselves. Gendorn spends some soul-searching time rebuilding a village burned to the ground by his own army, until after one week he is on the road with Bendoraun to Fort Gatsesilli.

At Fort Gatsesilli Gendorn and Bendoraun find Nolor, one of their companions who was separated from them in the wilderness. The three of them live and work in the fort for one hundred days before King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands arrives and tells the garrison at Gatsesilli that the Gaolnian Army is fast approaching. Gendorn, Bendoraun, and Nolor devise a plan to alert their army before the Skaelin can ambush them, knowing that should they do nothing, Gaoln—and Meiln—could never be free.

In the middle of the night the three friends sneak out of the castle and begin their trek through the woodlands. They soon find that they are being pursued by the same scouts who split them up in the wilderness, and Nolor daringly takes off to distract them while Gendorn and Bendoraun run to alert the army. In a page-turning scene, both armies end up knowing of the scouts and the spies and must react in a single instant. The Gaolnians win in the end, but their camp—and all their supplies—are burned by the retreating Skaelin, leaving their entire army stranded in the snow without even enough blankets for the night.

Relief comes from the other Gaolnian divisions while they besiege Gatsesilli. During this time the army reviews information of a planned final stand by the Skaelin Main Army. On their way to the final battle, the army is ambushed and split into chaotic groups. Gendorn, travelling with fifteen survivors, loses his eye on the road to the rendezvous point, which puts him in bed for weeks. Now friends with King Centreal, Gendorn and Bendoraun receive permission to sail back to Gaoln and spend Gendorn’s last moments with Meiln.

Three days after Gendorn and Bendoraun depart a messenger arrives from the enemy nation of Laen, also the chief state sponsor of the prison colony. The message is frank: Unless the Gaolnians surrender all the land they have won and renounce their freedom, agreeing to return as prisoners to Gaoln, then all of the Gaolnians who could not go to war will be systematically executed. In the time that the Gaolnian Army was gone, the Army of Laen invaded the prison colony and abducted every woman and young or elderly man and brought them back to Laeoiln, the capital of Laen. It is now up to the Army of Gaoln to decide whether or not they will be killed—and whether or not the soldiers themselves can ever be free.

The vote comes in favor of war. King Centreal leaves a threat for the messenger and his king, but vows to continue the struggle for freedom. Meanwhile, Gendorn and Bendoraun have arrived in the old penal colony to find it completely deserted. After searching for days and finding not a single person, the two ex-soldiers turn to the neighboring nation of Gonaka for their answers, sending them off on a new adventure. At the end of the first book Gendorn and Bendoraun remain ignorant of why the colony is deserted, and they can only suppose that the worst has befallen the struggle for their freedom. 

The final battle at Seun Bastion ends in a victory for Gaoln, and King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands is killed. King Centreal establishes the Kingdom of the Free. While their loved ones are held hostage in Laeoiln and our two main characters are lost and confused in the emptiness of the old prison colony, the army, famously, “dances until the dawn”, and believes that their freedom has come at last, and that Laen will have no choice but to return the hostages—to acknowledge their sovereignty and their freedom.


QUERY FINAL VERSION ONE:

Gendorn has never known what it is like to be free. He was raised in a penal colony as part of a generation of people who were born as prisoners but absent of any crime. When he is presented with the chance to join the rebellion for freedom and sail away to invade the nation to the north, guilty of using the colony, he sees a way to seize what was denied to him by his birth. TO BE FREE is a 90,000 word no-magic fantasy which thrusts Gendorn and his fellow co-prisoners into a world of gripping adventures. By the end of TO BE FREE, Gendorn has stared death in the face, gotten lost in the wilderness, hidden his identity while living in a hostile village, spied behind enemy lines, and saved the army of the rebellion—he has been transformed from a young and unpromising boy into a leader among men. 

TO BE FREE is the first in a five-book epic, but this script is the only one ready for immediate publication, with its sequel scheduled to be finished in one month.

I have been writing fantasy since the day I was bored in math class and took out a pen and notebook and just started writing down dialogue as it came to me. I have not stopped writing since. Over the past eight years these manuscripts have evolved from a form of self-entertainment to something profound and meaningful—a wider story which is able to pull readers into a complex and fast-paced adventure that spans five books and two generations.

What inspires much of my writing is the human struggle—that is, how men and women must strive toward whatever ends they seek against sometimes impossible odds. The characters I develop are shaped by hard-learned life lessons—the “good guys” take these lessons to heart, but keep in mind what they struggle for, while the “bad guys” forget what they set out for in the wake of what they have lost. The result is a host of characters who are both good and bad, or who appear to be one but are really the other—it creates a world that allows for shifting alliances amidst certain loyalties, and surprising friendships that defy firmly drawn battle lines.

If you would like to see pages or know more about myself or my manuscripts, please just let me know. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I thank you very much for your time.

Best Regards,
Matthew Bishop


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 19, 2011)

QUERY FINAL VERSION TWO:


Gendorn is born as a prisoner in a penal colony, without the privilege of freedom. When he is presented with the chance to join the rebellion for freedom and sail away to invade the nation to the north, guilty of using the colony, he sees a way to seize what was denied to him by his birth. TO BE FREE is a 90,000 word no-magic fantasy which thrusts Gendorn and his fellow co-prisoners into a world of gripping adventures. By the end of TO BE FREE, Gendorn has stared death in the face, gotten lost in the wilderness, hidden his identity while living in a hostile village, spied behind enemy lines, and saved the army of the rebellion—he has been transformed from a young and unpromising boy into a leader among men. But at war’s end Gendorn finds himself far away from the final battle—and far away from his friends.

TO BE FREE is the first book in the trilogy, The Kingdom of the Free, which revolves around Gendorn and his two companions and the game of political thriller into which their own stories merge. All of these books, and another two-book series which features some of the same characters, have been completed. I have been working with a team of editors on TO BE FREE for four years. We are confident that in its current state this book will draw readers into a world more vivid than their own. 

I began authoring stories in my elementary school’s publishing center and archiving them in my bedroom as soon as I could write. I have always been an avid reader and writer. I began writing fantasy adventure in high school, when one day I was bored in class and took out a notebook and pen and simply started writing. I have not stopped working with fantasy since that day. When my friends suggested I publish, I began to seriously think about my writing—and now, eight years later, I am finally ready to look for an agent who will represent me as a novelist.

What inspires much of my writing is the human struggle—that is, how men and women must strive toward whatever ends they seek against sometimes impossible odds. The characters I develop are shaped by hard-learned life lessons—the “good guys” take these lessons to heart, but keep in mind what they struggle for, while the “bad guys” forget what they set out for in the wake of what they have lost. The result is a host of characters who are both good and bad, or who appear to be one but are really the other—it creates a world that allows for shifting alliances amidst certain loyalties, and surprising friendships that defy firmly drawn battle lines.

If you would like to see pages or know more about myself or my manuscripts, please just let me know. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I thank you very much for your time.

Best Regards,
Matthew Bishop


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## sashamerideth (Sep 19, 2011)

Ok, this is my first blush response, sorry I skipped to the query letter, then to your synopsis.  Maybe someone who is actually published will weigh in and correct my naive errors.  If I am going to publish your book, right away I want to know my target demographic, and how long your book is, so your genre and word count should be in your first sentence, something like

TO BE FREE is a 90,000 word no-magic (Surely there is a term for this) fantasy, which tells the story of GENDORN. GENDORN was born in a penal colony... ad-libbing from here on in.  Check with the people you are sending the query letter to and what they want.

Query letter two is better IMO, but when you talk of trilogy or five book epics, that sends of alarms in my head, if book 1 doesn't sell, we're not pushing 2 and 3, let alone 4 and 5 as well.

Now, on to the synopsis... but I am submitting this then getting a bite to eat while I read.


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## sashamerideth (Sep 19, 2011)

From the other synopses (synopsi? ) that I have read,yours reads a lot more flowery, beats around the bush, and leaves out details that later chapters relied on.  I found myself confused as to who was where and who was doing what to who.  The short synopsis in the query letter seems to be not the same story as in the longer synopsis, leaving out some of the major plot events that differentiate your novel from every other _Find The MacGuffin_ in the slush pile.

I actually think your synopsis is too short.  Is your book really only ten chapters long?  I thought that there should be at least one paragraph per chapter in the synopsis, more if you need to cover how the relationships are tested, strengthened and destroyed, how your main character changes, how those around him change...  I should know from your synopsis what Gendorn is like at the beginning, middle, and end of the story, and more than just losing an eye.


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## pskelding (Sep 19, 2011)

Standard industry synopsis is 2 pages not one page per chapter. 

Your query letter should also include the first 3 chapters of book 1.


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## TWErvin2 (Sep 19, 2011)

pskelding said:


> Standard industry synopsis is 2 pages not one page per chapter.
> 
> Your query letter should also include the first 3 chapters of book 1.


 
You should check to see what each indivdual publisher/agent desires by checking their guidelines.

A brief synopsis should be no more than two pages, one if possible. But some publishers, prefer slightly longer.

Some agents want only a query letter, and will request more materials (a partial of 3 chapters or the entire manuscript) if they like what they initially see.

Some publishers want a cover letter, synopsis and first 3 chapters. Others want the full mansucript right off with the synopsis. Some want the first 50 pages, etc.

Examine the individual guidelines, which may also include font/formatting requests, among other things.

I wrote an article on writing a synopsis a while back: Writing a Novel Synopsis. It gives advice on how to formatting and reducing a full-length novel down to one page.

Query letters and a synopsis--truly difficult tasks to accomplish for most writers.


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 19, 2011)

*Thanks for the Feedback!*

Here are my thoughts:

The current synopsis is exactly two pages-- was it meant to be double-spaced? If so, it would become four pages.

I spend a lot of time talking about myself as a writer. I see that some agents request this, but for those who do not, should I exclude the majority of this?

I have not sought representation before...three weeks ago? Should I mention that as the reason why none of these are published, or should I simply make some vague reference to other books and not spend a lot of time on it?

Let me read the responses over again, I am sure I have more questions...


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 19, 2011)

Pskelding, do you mean that the query should summarize the first three chapters, or that as a general rule I should submit the first three chapters along with the query unless told not to?


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 19, 2011)

Sasha thanks very much for the synopsis feedback-- will be revising it and posting another version tonight or tomorrow.

TWE, that article was helpful-- a quick question: Is a cover letter the same as a synopsis?


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## TWErvin2 (Sep 19, 2011)

Matthew Bishop said:


> TWE, that article was helpful-- a quick question: Is a cover letter the same as a synopsis?



No, a cover letter is exactly what it says it is: A letter introducing yourself and the project/mansucript you're submitting with a few details such as genre (and subgenre) and word count. Any relevant publishing credits. Things like that.

The synopsis is a very brief summary of the entire novel, including the ending.

A cover letter is a little different from a query letter. A query letter includes a stronger pitch for the novel. A cover letter usually accompanies a synopsis and/or first three chapters.

Terry


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## pskelding (Sep 19, 2011)

Terry is pretty much right.  I have included 1 or more chapters with a query letter because I simply didn't see the point in sending a letter without some of my work.  

I've since abandoned traditional publishers because I think they're living in the dark ages (no electronic submissions? query letters?) and will self publish using an editor of my choice.  You should follow the advice of those who are published through a traditional publisher.


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## TWErvin2 (Sep 19, 2011)

Pskelding,

The vast majority of publishers, especially fantasy, accept electronic submissions. Most of the publishers accept unagented submissions, including the major publishers (Baen, Tor, Roc/Ace, DAW).  But it takes quite a while to make it through the slush pile, and that's one advantage of agent representation. It's more often agents that request simply a query without some form of content (initial chapters and synopsis). There are exceptions, of couse--what would the world be without exceptions, right?

Nothing wrong with self-publishing if that's the route that fits your goals and best suits targeting potential readers. Just like there isn't a single 'right' way to write a novel, there isn't a single 'right' way for each author to get their work out to readers.


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks again!

Okay, so I've cut a lot of what was personal about me as a writer and am considering replacing it with this:

I am just beginning to seek representation. I am approaching you first because I believe we are a good match. As a no-magic fantasy, TO BE FREE will attract both long-time fans of fantasy, familiar with alternate worlds and unique societies, and newcomers to the genre. Focusing on a set of characters whose age is young but who have been forced to become adults very quickly, and featuring key characters who range from the child to the old man, TO BE FREE appeals to audiences young and old. TO BE FREE’s editors consisted of men and women between the age of 17 and 60, and was well-received by all of them. Given the wide range of what your agency represents, I hope that you will be interested in this script and will find it more than marketable.


< For relevant agents that match the description. Also add any familiarity with current clients. What do you think?


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## sashamerideth (Sep 20, 2011)

Not at my computer, who are you submitting to and what are their submission guidelines?


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## Matthew Bishop (Sep 21, 2011)

I am just coming up with several different versions of the query and then submitting whichever one matches guidelines or seems most relevant, with some minor changes for each one-- is that the wrong way to go about this?


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## sashamerideth (Sep 21, 2011)

Matthew Bishop said:
			
		

> I am just coming up with several different versions of the query and then submitting whichever one matches guidelines or seems most relevant, with some minor changes for each one-- is that the wrong way to go about this?



Nope, that's backwards. You write your query letter and synopsis according to their demands. Not pick a variation that seems close.  Kinda the tail that wags the dog with your approach.

Sure it is more work for you, but if you don't follow their guidelines, they have a reason to discard your work without even reading it.


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## SeverinR (Oct 26, 2011)

I have checked various fantasy publishers, there are small differences in submission requirements.
From what I have read and heard in class, do what ever the publisher requires.
I will probably write a querry letter, a synopsis, and have three chapters ready to submit when I feel my novel is ready.

Don't waste postage on three chapters if the company doesn't want them.  

rule 1: they look for any reason to reject an submission, if they get a big envelope when they only ask for a querry letter, it will be dumped in the reject bin. If any line on any page is not how they specify, it will be dumped.

Write it out, double check the requirements for that publisher or agent, then reread it once more, before sending it.

No one can tell you what to submit because there are so many different requirements.
Some publishers do allow email submissions, alot don't because they are overwhelmed with people who don't care to study writing; 
"You just wrote that? Thats good, I saw this email address, you should try to get it published..."


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