# Help with my query, please.



## Subcreator (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm getting ready to send out a query letter, but I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. Since I can't afford to have someone review it on a paid site, would someone here mind helping me out with this? I'd like to say what it's like, but it's not quite as severe as GRRM, but it's also not quite as religious as the Christian thriller writer Ted Dekker, so I'm not sure what to include on that end.



			
				query letter said:
			
		

> _The Wrath of the Fallen _is a 109,000 word fantasy novel filled with action, intrigue, and treachery. It is the first in a planned series, which is tentatively titled _Undying_.
> 
> In less than one hundred years, young by elven standards, Tanok has made an enemy of almost everyone who knows him. He proudly claims the title of heathen, as he hates the gods of his people and blames them for his family’s destruction. However, when he is called separately by Ilahar, the enemy of his gods, and by Sati, a dangerous priestess who conspires to destroy all that he still loves, he is forced to make a decision that will not only change his life, but the world.
> 
> Thank you for your time and attention.


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## Ireth (Mar 23, 2013)

I like it, though it feels a bit short. Standard queries, to my knowledge, are around 250 words. You could add a bit more detail about the plot.


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## Subcreator (Mar 23, 2013)

How's this?



			
				query letter Mark II said:
			
		

> The Wrath of the Fallen is a 109,000 word fantasy novel filled with action, intrigue, and treachery. It is the first in a planned series, which is tentatively titled Undying.
> In less than one hundred years, young by elven standards, Tanok has made an enemy of almost everyone who knows him. He proudly claims the title of heathen, as he hates the gods of his people and blames them for his family’s destruction. However, when he is called separately by Ilahar, the enemy of his gods, and by Sati, a dangerous priestess who conspires to destroy all that he still loves, he is forced to make a decision that will not only change his life, but the world.
> Tanok’s wife Deira finds herself in a equally challenging dilemma: she is a priestess, her brother Komu is a well-respected priest, and she learns that, not only is her husband a heathen in the eyes of their people, but her younger brother Lemnos has been visiting the neighboring human tribe, the sworn enemies of their people and servants of Ilahar.
> Conspiracies, long-hidden secrets, and vendettas from before the beginning of the world all come to a head when a disturbing truth about the nature of Tanok’s birth is revealed.
> Thank you for your time and attention.


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## Ireth (Mar 23, 2013)

Much better! ^^ The last paragraph sounds like the climax of the story; you might not want to give that away. Just give them a taste for the beginning, and leave them wanting to find out what happens next. Also I'd begin with the content of the story itself, though, and move the title and wordcount to just above "Thank you for your time," etc.


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## Devor (Mar 23, 2013)

You've got it backwards.  Open with your story, and close with your wordcount/Bio.


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## Subcreator (Mar 23, 2013)

Ah, thank you, and actually, the "disturbing truth" actually is revealed in the first third of the book. The climax is a bit more tumultuous than that. I've added a little info on my influences, but I'm not sure if it's helpful:



			
				query letter v. 3 said:
			
		

> In less than one hundred years, young by elven standards, Tanok has made an enemy of almost everyone who knows him. He proudly claims the title of heathen, as he hates the gods of his people and blames them for his family’s destruction. However, when he is called separately by Ilahar, the enemy of his gods, and by Sati, a dangerous priestess who conspires to destroy all that he still loves, he is forced to make a decision that will not only change his life, but the world.
> Tanok’s wife Deira finds herself in a equally challenging dilemma: she is a priestess, her brother Komu is a well-respected priest, and she learns that, not only is her husband a heathen in the eyes of their people, but her younger brother Lemnos has been visiting the neighboring human tribe, the sworn enemies of their people and servants of Ilahar.
> Conspiracies, long-hidden secrets, and vendettas from before the beginning of the world all come to a head when a disturbing truth about the nature of Tanok’s birth is revealed.
> My name is Tom Austin, and my novel, The Wrath of the Fallen is a 109,000 word fantasy novel filled with action, intrigue, and treachery. It is the first in a planned series, which is tentatively titled Undying, a world-shaping adventure from the world of the living to the depths of Hell.
> My writing style has been influenced by the writers whose books I enjoy, namely J.R.R. Tolkien, Ted Dekker, and Eric Flint. 	Thank you for your time and attention.


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## Ireth (Mar 23, 2013)

I don't think you need your name in the body of your query, since you'll be signing it at the bottom with something along the lines of "Yours sincerely, Tom Austin," plus probably your contact info at the top of the letter as well, before the "Dear Agent". Other than that, looks good to me! ^^


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## Subcreator (Mar 23, 2013)

Ah, thank you. This has been a big help.


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