# Reaction to a parent you never knew



## Aidan of the tavern (May 16, 2012)

Ok, my protag was for his safety left with someone else as a baby.  He has no memories of his parents.  I think eventually he is going to find the surviving parent (haven't decided which one yet), but I can't for the life of me imagine how they would react to each other.  How would someone act around a stranger who is also their parent, because presumably the bond wouldn't be nearly as strong?  Additionally he holds no grudge against them by the way.  I just can't figure out how things would flow.


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## Ankari (May 16, 2012)

It all depends on the culture your protag grew up in.  If its one where solid family structure is important, he may have grown up with so much suppressed pain that when he finally confirms that he has real parents the joy would be overwhelming.  The love may not be so much for the parents, but for the fact that he is normal.  

That would be the initial reaction.  What follows depends on his temperament.  Is he level headed?  Is he a fire cracker?  Fire crackers would be very angry that his parents weren't around for his youth.  All that speculation, all that time he felt as an outsider, would burn inside of him.  He would feel betrayed and want to punish his parents with like amount of pain.

If he was level headed he would ask why they weren't around.  If the answer is satisfactory, he would accept it and then work towards mending the bond (the pathway to such a goal could in itself vary).  If the answer is not satisfactory he would have nothing to do with them.  It would take great efforts on the part of the parents to mend the damage.  

A lot of things play into your question.  Age of the protag.  Is he a parent himself?  Current status of the parents (are they in need of financial help, or are they stable).  What does his culture expect of him?   

I know you weren't expecting more questions, but emotions are as varied as the people that feel them.


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## Aidan of the tavern (May 16, 2012)

Ankari said:


> It all depends on the culture your protag grew up in.  If its one where solid family structure is important, he may have grown up with so much suppressed pain that when he finally confirms that he has real parents the joy would be overwhelming.  The love may not be so much for the parents, but for the fact that he is normal.
> 
> That would be the initial reaction.  What follows depends on his temperament.  Is he level headed?  Is he a fire cracker?  Fire crackers would be very angry that his parents weren't around for his youth.  All that speculation, all that time he felt as an outsider, would burn inside of him.  He would feel betrayed and want to punish his parents with like amount of pain.
> 
> ...



Thanks, this is helpful.

The culture, being somewhat medieval fantasy, is one where it is not uncommon to be without one or even both parents.  

He is 17 in the first book, but I don't know when he is going to find the parent.  His parents were being hunted by a mysterious cult so they dropped him off for his own safety.  He is quiet, introvert, humble, and sometimes conflicted but strong-willed.  He had a father figure in the form of the spice merchant who raised him, though that doesn't mean he is devoid of feminine traits.  With the mysterious death of his guardian merchant figure he feels rootless and unsure of his identity.


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## Caged Maiden (May 16, 2012)

I have a story with a character in a very similar situation.  While their country is at war, two parents (a king and queen) send their infant daughter to be raised by a close friend.  She is special and they fear for her safety, but also want her raised by this man and his family (who command powerful magic) so they can tutor her well.

So, in my case, I had her find out the man raising her isn't her real father while he was away.  She acts out (she's 15) and then when she next sees him, she shouts at him and gets really angry.  

How does your character find out exactly who his parents are?  Does he know from a young age that he's being raised by a stranger?  If so, how close is he to the surrogate parent, because he might have loved him dearly whether they were related or not.  If that's the case, he might not be very caring to his real parents, having been raised to adulthood by someone he loved, and have no need of them.

In my case, when this girl finds out her "father" isn't her father, she only knows her parents are alive somewhere, and chose to give her to someone else.  So, my situation is pretty explosive, because she loves the man who raised her, and doesn't feel any duty to or love for her real ones.

If he's an introvert, he might be self-assured enough to consider himself a man in his own right, therefore eliminating the need for a parent figure.  

If it were me, I'd feel distant, like I was speaking to a stranger.   I wouldn't feel like I owed my parents my time when they asked me to listen.  I wouldn't feel sympathy for their reasoning.  I'd shrug my shoulders and call it their loss.  

However, if he was raised knowing his parents gave him up and why, he might want to find them.  He might pray nightly for their safety or have struck out on his own at the age of thirteen to try to find them, only to be found half-starved and freezing in the road, only to be brought home to the merchant who was terrified for him.


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## Aidan of the tavern (May 17, 2012)

anihow said:


> I have a story with a character in a very similar situation.  While their country is at war, two parents (a king and queen) send their infant daughter to be raised by a close friend.  She is special and they fear for her safety, but also want her raised by this man and his family (who command powerful magic) so they can tutor her well.
> 
> So, in my case, I had her find out the man raising her isn't her real father while he was away.  She acts out (she's 15) and then when she next sees him, she shouts at him and gets really angry.
> 
> ...



I'm glad you're writing a similar situation Anihow.  

The merchant, Berin, told him the truth when he was about 13.  I think he felt more shock and disapointment more than anything, probably quite low for a while, but thats not a scene that actually appears.  His relationship with Berin was a fond one, probably quite like living with a friendly uncle, although being a part-time merchant he would sometimes disappear for a month or 2.  Berin also made a point of not getting the protag into a habit of calling him "dad".

One of the strong stories in the plot is the search to find answers about his parents, who they were, why they left him, are they still alive.  I think you are right about him feeling distant around them, awkward and unsure whether to yell at them or hug them.  Part of him would maybe also be filled with deep regret for the life he might have had.  His parents were not perfect, and maybe the decision to leave him might not have been the best one, but the surviving one hasn't forgotten him and hopes he is leading a happy life.

Also one of the spoilers in the first book is the discovery that one of the lesser protagonists is actually his cousin (don't worry, its not coincidence), although her parents (his aunt and uncle) were killed by bandits when she was a child, so they are drawn together in mutual rootlessness for want of a better phrase.  As a surviving member of his family though she becomes very important to him.


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## deepikasd (May 28, 2012)

Also, the events of the story might change how he reacts to meeting his surviving parent. He might feel guilty if someone dies in his "quest" to find his parents. Or he might feel relieved to find his parent after all that time. Also, since it seems that you haven't really planned yet how he meets his parent, you might even want to have him meet his parent slightly early in the story, but just not realize that that person was his parent. The events that occur between this person and the main character might even shape how the characters view each other when they realize the truth. Also, the emotions of the parent will also play a major role in how the child reacts in the final revealing/meeting.


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## Aidan of the tavern (May 28, 2012)

deepikasd said:


> Also, the events of the story might change how he reacts to meeting his surviving parent. He might feel guilty if someone dies in his "quest" to find his parents. Or he might feel relieved to find his parent after all that time. Also, since it seems that you haven't really planned yet how he meets his parent, you might even want to have him meet his parent slightly early in the story, but just not realize that that person was his parent. The events that occur between this person and the main character might even shape how the characters view each other when they realize the truth. Also, the emotions of the parent will also play a major role in how the child reacts in the final revealing/meeting.



Cool idea.  I might make it the mother, to avoid any "I am your father!" connotations.


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## ThinkerX (May 28, 2012)

I would point out this works both ways.  Because of the family/bureaucratic mess involved after breaking up with my ex, I saw my daughter only a few times as a small child, and not all that often until after she hit her late teens, when she moved in with me.  I was more than a little baffled much of the time.

On the other hand, she knew who I was, and spent quite a bit of time with people who did know me.


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