# Dear Drill:  Advice Column



## Philip Overby (Mar 5, 2012)

Another nickname of mine is Dr. Phil.  

Yes, this is what you think it is.  Write about anything, I mean anything, that you want advice about and I'll post my thoughts on it.  Will they be useful?  Maybe.  Will they be stupid?  Also, maybe.  

This is the type of advice I will dispense:  

-Relationship  
-Writing  :help:
-Gaming  
-Fighting  
-Weight Loss  :skip:
-How to Succeed in Life  
-How to Make Money at Home 
-Fortune Telling  
-Miscellaneous

If you want to keep my advice writing related that's fine, but I will give a (mostly) honest answer.  I am not really an definitive source, but I'll give it a shot.  

Please address each post:  Dear Drill...

I'll then give you free, that's right, FREE advice.  Out of the kindness of my heart.

I am a jack-of-all-trades, master of most of them.


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## Reaver (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Drill,

I've got these "relatives" who constantly complain to me about their problems. I try to be nice and listen to what they have to say, but the truth is they really annoy the crap out of me. I mean, I really just want to scream at them:* "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?"* Should I keep listening to their irritating tirades or should I just let all my frustration out?

On a different note, I really loved your performance in Beaches.

*PISSED OFF IN SEATTLE

*


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## Philip Overby (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Pissed Off in Seattle,

Thank you for the compliment.

Relatives are quite relative.  Perhaps the problem isn't your relatives, but yourself.  Rage is a powerful thing.  I think it's best to channel your rage into other avenues rather than bursting out with a foam-mouthed rant.  Perhaps take up knitting or pottery.  If that doesn't work, just bottle your rage inside until it feels like a popping pimple.  Try to take it out on a complete stranger though.  How about a waiter?  Or the check out girl at the supermarket?  Just rail into them.  You can keep your relationship intact with your relatives and still dump a load of acidic bile on some other poor soul.  

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Xanados (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Phil, 

How can one with insomnia hope to suffer this undying affliction with the smallest amount of pain possible? I want to read and write, but I'm always too tired! Must I try and learn to write at night when I am less tired? 
Salvatore's Homeland will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow, but I know I'll be too drowsy to begin reading.


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## Philip Overby (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Tired Guy,

My suggestion is to go running.  Even if it's late at night.  Just run circles around your house.  It will get your blood pumping and cause you to be less tired.  Do jumping jacks.  Pace back and forth in your room.  It's good to do this before doing any sedentary activity such as reading or writing. 

Anytime before writing or reading I'd suggest doing something that stimulates you.  Watch a movie that may scare you or go run through some woods and get lost.  Then go home.  I guarantee you'll have more focus.

If these suggestions don't work, pour hot tea on your head.  That always wakes me up.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Steerpike (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Drill:

I am about to run a pen and paper RPG using a game system that does not anticipate a great deal of combat. All of the players come from heavily combat-oriented games. What is the best way to keep them interested?

On an unrelated note, I believe my cat is possessed by the spirit of the Annunaki, who even now are en route to earth, their return to coincide with the end of the Mayan Long Count calendar. At night the feline sits on the bed and stares at me, and as I linger between sleep and wakefulness she whispers dark imagnings into my ear.

Paranoid on the Coast.


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## Philip Overby (Mar 5, 2012)

Dear Paranoid on the Coast,

Perhaps kill two birds with one stone.  Use the demon cat to inspire your game by using whatever "wacky" ideas it comes up with.  Perhaps the cat wants to "devour thousands of souls."  You could have your players enter a soul eating contest.  It's not combat oriented, but keeps the competitive and active nature alive.  

In addition, players obsessed with combat can always be swayed by a number of things:

1.  Shiny treasure
2.  Sexy women/men
3.  Insane characters

If the game focuses on one of these topics, then perhaps the lack of combat won't bother them as much.  And let your cat GM sometimes.  Maybe his eldritch ramblings will make for a great game night!

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 6, 2012)

Xanados said:


> Salvatore's Homeland will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow


WHAT?


Dear Drill,

As a resident of Leominster, Massachusetts, the homeland of fantasy author Bob "R.A." Salvatore, I am deeply disturbed by this news.

Will I come home from work tonight, only to find that as I drive up my street approaching the border of my town and Bob's, there is an eight-mile-wide crater in the Earth and no explanation as to how or why my house is now in Scotland along with many others? Or will the dilvery happen at night while I sleep? How is this possible? Don't tell me I'm in one of those "shrinking episodes" in which a super villain keeps several civilizations in jars so he can observe us under a microscope and laugh villanously! If so, who wrote this episode?

I suppose you cannot answer the whats, whens and whys. Therefore, I will ask you to advise me:

How should I deal with this situation? Does life go on as normal, except that my job prospects are limited to places in my hometown? How's the weather in Scotland? Is that question relevant if I'm in a tiny town inside a jar? Can bugs get inside the jar? What's the best means of defense against a flea fifty times your height? What if the flea is a mailman?

~Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster


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## Xanados (Mar 6, 2012)

Legendary Sidekick said:


> WHAT?
> 
> 
> Dear Drill,
> ...


You are just hilarious.

And the weather is suitably Scottish...


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster,

Since you have asked me many questions, I will try to address each one individually.  

_1.  How should I deal with this situation?_

Try not to drive your car into the crater is the best bet.

_2.  Does life go on as normal, except that my job prospects are limited to places in my hometown? _

New job prospects could include but are not limited to:  grief counselor for missing homelands, drow hunter, crater watcher, rock kicker, and travel agent.

_3.  How's the weather in Scotland? 
_
I assume it's nice.  Usually looks so in movies.

_4.  Is that question relevant if I'm in a tiny town inside a jar? _

Not quite sure what you're getting at.  Are you making reference to "Under the Dome?"  

_5.  Can bugs get inside the jar?_

Bugs normally won't get inside a jar.  Unless you have small, bug-sized holes in them so you can breathe.  

_6.  What's the best means of defense against a flea fifty times your height? _

A water tower full of Raid.

_7.  What if the flea is a mailman?_

Try to get a PO box.


Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> _7. What if the flea is a mailman?_




Dear Drill,
This quote disturbs me.

I often have nightmares that Fleamailman is lurking somewhere outside my house, spouting incomprehensible tirades that go on for days, even weeks at a time. 

I need to know: Is Fleamailman real or just the product of someone's deranged imagination?


Fear & Loathing in the Emerald City

PS: I absolutely loved your performance as _"Man with Down's Syndrome playing pan flute on street corner"_ in *I Am Sam*. You got robbed at the Oscars.


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Fear & Loathing in the Emerald City,

I'm pretty sure you wrote me before about your anger management issues.  I think there is perhaps an overlap with your rage and paranoia.  I recommend taking some form of prescription medicine to take care of these problems.  

You may be him.  I may be him.  The bird looking through your window right now could be him.

Did you look?

Yeah, you're paranoid.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> I recommend taking some form of prescription medicine to take care of these problems.
> Drill


Dear Drill-

I have two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. 

Do these count as prescription medications?  The man I bought them from is known locally as "The Doctor".

Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Mr. Drill,

You're in Japan, so you automatically "get" JRPGs. I have a question about Dragon's Dogma. When creating a character, height, weight, muscle tone and breast size are all factors which determine your character's stats. (True story.)

My questions:
1. What weight and measurements will result in *the strongest hottie *by Japanese standards?
2. Is my theory correct that *the strongest hottie *would be the statistically ideal "fighter" class character?
3. Would you feel like you wasted your time answering #1 & #2 if I told you I had no intention of buying the game?

~Tusk H. Tuesday


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City,

I don't recommend that.  Please consult a doctor who doesn't live in/on/around the vicinity of a dumpster/alley/fly-riddled, half-eaten Subway sandwich.

Also quit sending me feathers and broken teeth in the mail.  It's freaking out my kids.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Tusk H. Tuesday,

Sorry, cleaning teeth out of my mailbox again.  

1.  By Japanese standards, strong women usually look insane.  So I'd say make the most insane looking woman you can and put her in the game.  Either that or find the most fan service oriented manga you can find and copy one of the ninja/maid/fashion plate templates.

2.  Yes.

3.  No, as I intend to purchase the game.  There's a wizard fighting a gryphon in the trailer.  That's good enough for me.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Devor (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill,

What advice would you have for raising a two-year old who is smart, fun to be with, a fan of elephants and trains, but is sometimes selfish and has extreme levels of energy whenever the television is not on?  What should you do if you're a grown man who still cries on the seventeenth viewing of Dumbo?

Also, this is in response to Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City, and also to Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster.  Extreme Paranoia, if "The Doctor" lives in a blue box, please inform him that he appears to be needed Massachusetts and Scotland.

Sincerely,

Difficult in New Jersey


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Difficult in New Jersey,

Children are always a difficult subject.  Especially two year olds.  Each child has their own way of expressing themselves.  I'd recommend having lots of toys that are elephant and/or train themed in order to give him (I'll assume the child is a boy) a focus other than television.  Books, games, toys, clothing.  If the child is attached to said "theme" then perhaps having the theme easily accessible at all times may give the child a way to focus his energy.  

Also for selfish tendencies, it may be good to arrange play-dates with other children his age so he can learn the concept of sharing and that he is not the center of attention at all times.  I'm also assuming this is an only child as they tend to exhibit selfishness the most.  

In concerns to a grown man crying at repeated viewings of Dumbo, is that because you are having a mental breakdown or because it touches you emotionally?  I'd say either would be normal given the circumstances.  Try to become detached from Dumbo.  He's only a character.  He's not real.  Repeat that to yourself over and over.  Confirmations such as this will help you in dealing with a Dumbo-centric lifestyle.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Steerpike (Mar 6, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> Dear Paranoid on the Coast,
> 
> Perhaps kill two birds with one stone.  Use the demon cat to inspire your game by using whatever "wacky" ideas it comes up with.  Perhaps the cat wants to "devour thousands of souls."  You could have your players enter a soul eating contest.  It's not combat oriented, but keeps the competitive and active nature alive.
> 
> ...



Thanks, Drill. I'm going to get the cat a new dice bag now.


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 6, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> 3. No, as I intend to purchase the game. There's a wizard fighting a gryphon in the trailer. That's good enough for me.


In that case, tell me if there's actually a pawn named "Tusk H. Tuesday" in the game. I won a contest in which you could name a pawn, but shortly after winners were announced, the guy who ran the contest left Capcom. (I found this out while asking one of the Capcom Unity mods to see if Capcom is fine with me using Monster Hunter images in the Endless Hunt--and they are, by the way. The images are fan-created, and I was able to get the okay from the fan as well.)

I'm guessing Tusk will not appear in the game, and the contest is probably only for the U.S. version so he wouldn't be in the Japanese version anyway. Same was true for fan-designed Monster Hunter weapons.

It does look fun... I don't own an XBox or PS3.


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill,

Why didn't you get the Academy Award for Best Supporting Extra in a Dramatic Film for your role as "Wrestler #2 using urinal and exiting without washing hands" in* The Wrestler*?  And please don't tell me it's Hollywood Politics.  You were awesome in that movie!  Your performance gave me chills!  Mickey Rourke's performance was Bush League!

~Beyond Disappointed in Spokane


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Beyond Disappointed in Spokane,

I wasn't supposed to be in that scene.  It's like the ghost in "Three Men and Baby."  I typically don't wash my hands after matches as I like to keep the blood on my hands and rub them on snack food in convenience stores.  But that's a long story.  

My advice, even though you didn't ask for any, is to stay away from the pickled pork feet.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill,

Stay away from the pickled pork feet?  Hell to the no.  Next thing you know you'll be telling me to stay away from the bowls of mixed nuts in all the shady bars I frequent.   After that, you'll "advise" me to avoid going home with hot Italian women that I meet in some nightclub in Rome, and to NOT drink a "herbal" tea that they give me.  And to NOT drink a second cup when they go to change into their slinky little nighties.

Any other advice Doctor?

~Still Reeling from My Trip to Rome


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill,

Why didn't you start this column BEFORE Reaver went to Italy? He could've used your advice then!

~Not Minding My Own Business, Realizing I Should Be, and Getting in My Car to See if Leominster Is Still in the U.S.A.


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Legendary Sidekick said:


> Dear Drill,
> 
> Why didn't you start this column BEFORE Reaver went to Italy? He could've used your advice then!
> 
> ~Not Minding My Own Business, Realizing I Should Be, and Getting in My Car to See if Leominster Is Still in the U.S.A.




Yeah. What's up with that? 

And by the way: You're performance as "Two-Face's Henchman #5" in *Batman Forever *and as the voice of Smaug's mentally challenged, cross-eyed brother, Waug, in Rankin/Bass' *The Hobbit* was awesome. 

How do I get into cool movies like that?

-Starstruck in the Pacific Northwest


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear the Three of You that Just Wrote in Rapid Succession,

Are you sure you're all not just the raging, paranoid guy that gets medical supplies from a guy with three hands?

The Italian women were obviously trying to make you feel at home.  Drinking herbal tea is perfectly fine.  Just when you wake up with your kidneys missing, don't say I didn't warn you.

You can't get in cool movies like me.  You can audition for straight to DVD fare if you wish.  That's how I started out.  "Helicopter Warlords" was my first one followed by the horror classic "Don't Look at Me with Another Person's Eyes Because that's Not Acceptable."  

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill,

Okay. Just so you know, I'm not the same guy as the other three. I'm just using this Reaver guy's account to get free advice from you. It's way cheaper than paying for a shrink and you're a lot smarter than that old chick in the newspaper.

Unlike those other dudes, I was in fifteen "straight-to-video" (that's right, I said video-First BetaMax, then LaserDisc then VHS) movies: 
*Cyborg Massacre

 Cyborg Masscre 2: Blood Everywhere 

Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars

Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 2: Rescue Mission

Frankenstein Vs. Hitler

Frankenstein Vs. Hitler 2: Total Destruction

LigerMan

LigerMan II:The Return of Dr. Nazi

LigerMan III: The Quest for Nuclear Disarmament

Hercules Vs. The Third Reich

Hercules Vs. The Werewolf of London

Hercules Vs. Professor Diabolico

Robodolphin

Robodolphin 2: Surf's Up

Zombie Shakespeare


*Now what do I do?

~Making *Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 3: What Happened to Uranus?*


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## Philip Overby (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Making Zombie Vampire Babes from Mars 3: What Happened to Uranus?

I was in Robodolphin 2!  We must have seen each other at some point.  I was "Dolphin Lancer #2" in the big scene vs. the surfing bear, Momo.

You seem to be good at doing sequels which is a rare quality for an actor unless you're a big name.  I'm assuming you have production credits on these films as well.  Your core market seems to be the standard horror fare mixed with history, science fiction, and/or bastardized robot creatures.

I would suggest branching out from your path.  Zombie Shakespeare seems like a step in the right direction.  Perhaps try to get onto the off-Broadway musical "Descartes:  A Deconstruction of Modes."  If that's too much of a leap for you at the moment, perhaps try the lighter "George Washington vs. the Minotaur Horde."  It's a pretty good musical and with your acting chops you'd probably be a ringer for either George Washington or "Minotaur Marauder #2."  He's got a fair share of solos.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 6, 2012)

Dear Drill-

Hey! I think I remember you! I really can't say for certain though because I was on a serious alchohol/benzodiazepam binge pretty much the whole time.

I was in fact Executive Producer on fourteen of the fifteen movies. I declined the Producer tag on Zombie Shakespeare because I co-wrote and directed it. I also starred as Shakespeare, so I let my co-writer, a great guy who I'll call J.H. take the helm as the Head Honcho.

Thanks for the advice on the musicals, but I haven't done any of those since
*"I Just Wanna Dance: The Josef Mengele Story"

*Needless to say it didn't really take off the way I hoped. Stupid liberal protestors.  Oh well.  
I heard that there's an Off-Broadway version of the Bob Crane story called: *"Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round My Neck"
*opening this summer.  I think I'll audition for the parts of Bob and Werner Klemperer.

Sign me as: Ready to Sing in Spokane


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Drill,

My daughter left the Little Mermaid's bra on the floor last night. When I opened the drawer where she keeps her Disney Princesses and Disney Fairies to put it away, the princesses were wearing nothing but flesh-toned panties, and... I think the Little Mermaid was nursing Tinkerbell.

I opened the drawer again this morning, and the orgy is still going on.

If the fairies sleep in a different drawer, will the princesses sleep with their clothes on? If not, how can I protect my daughters from being exposed to a lifestyle that she is too young to understand?

~A Concerned Father Who Is NOT the Same Guy You Saw at the Costume Shop Buying a Mermaid Outfit and a Red Wig for His Wife


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## Reaver (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Drill, 

My ex-wife bought the entire Smurfs series for my kids. Now every time they come to visit me it *MUST* be watched, OVER AAND OVER AAAND OVER...

This is too much for me. That theme song is driving me mad. *MAD I TELL YOU!

*I caught myself humming that tune on the way home from work today.

*WHY CAN'T I GET THAT S****ING SONG OUT OF MY HEAD?*

~SLOWLY GOING INSANE IN SMURFTOWN


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## Steerpike (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Drill:

My cat, Azrael, and I keep trying to kill these insufferable blue creatures called "Smurfs." Every plan we enact fails. But even though those plans fail only due to one easily fixable flaw, I toss the entire scheme out the window and move on to the next even more implausible plot to kill or capture the vermin. Please advise.

-Gargamel


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## Philip Overby (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear A Concerned Father Who Is NOT the Same Guy You Saw at the Costume Shop Buying a Mermaid Outfit and a Red Wig for His Wife,

Uh, what was the question again?  Sorry, I think this is out of my league for once.  

Just take two of these and call me in the morning.  

Hope this helps,

Drill


Dear SLOWLY GOING INSANE IN SMURFTOWN,

I think the correct term you are looking for is Smurf Village.  I think you should fight fire with fire.  Buy the live action Smurfs movie and play it on loop.  The two black holes may cancel each other out or smash particles together to create the Higgs Boson.  

The live action Smurfs movie is the equivalent of pouring Drain-O into your skull.  Be wary.  Don't try this unless the Smurfs song is just absolutely boring a hole into your head.

Hope this helps,

Drill


Dear Gargamel,

Just buy a bulldozer and run them over.  Your magic is obviously inadequate and your cat is a poor mouser.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Steerpike (Mar 7, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> Dear Gargamel,
> 
> Just buy a bulldozer and run them over.  Your magic is obviously inadequate and your cat is a poor mouser.
> 
> ...















............................................................................./char


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## Reaver (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Drill,

I know that you don't trust any type of business agent, be they literary or talent, so I would like to ask you if you'd like to star in my newest film: 
*ZOMBIE VAMPIRE BABES FROM MARS VS. WEREWOLF NAZI SUPER MODELS FROM HELL*.

Although my budget for the entire film is a paltry $3 million, I'm willing to pay you a minimum of $35,000.   Of course, this sum is negotiable up to $37,000.

~Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood.


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## Philip Overby (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood,

I don't do movies with:

a. zombies
b. vampires
c. babes
d. Mars
e.  werewolves
f.  Nazis
g.  super models
h.  Hell

This is an advice column.  My advice?  Sit on it, Potsy.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Muqtada (Mar 7, 2012)

Dear Drill,

I want to make money from home. All I've really got for talents are writing and my dashing good looks (which are actually mediocre). What should I do?

*Too Lazy to Want a 'Real' Job*


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 8, 2012)

Dear Drill,

Is Muqtada one of the seven samurai or one of the thirty bandits? The only thing I am sure of is that if he is a samurai, he is _not_ Kikuchiyo since the triangle represents _him._

Curiously,
 ~ Some Guy Who Could've Just Asked Muqtada in His Intro Thread But Missed the Opportunity and Well Here We Are on the Dr. Drill Thread So Why Not Ask This Now and Don't Say Because This Is an Advice Column Because That's Kind of a Cop Out If You Ask Me Not That Anyone Did Ha Ha But Gimme a Break Because I Saw the Circle and Told Myself Okay Sidekick Ask Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace Which If You'll Pardon the Wild Tangent Reminds Me of the Night I Proposed to My Wife But That Is Another Story


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## Devor (Mar 8, 2012)

Dear Drill,

After reading your advice for dealing with my son and possible issues with Dumbo, I realized that I had no choice but to seek a second opinion.  The Dear Pill column suggested that I over-sympathize with Dumbo because of unresolved childhood issues and that I might need to take mood stabilizing drugs to cope with my Dumbo-centric lifestyle.  He also suggested that my two year old son might have issues of hyper-activity and that he needs to be treated for ADHD.

Mr. Drill, how do you recommend I choose between the advice of conflicting columnists?  And how should I go about breaking up with a columnist whose advice I decide to be rubbish?

Sincerely,
Weeps-for-Elephants


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## Philip Overby (Mar 8, 2012)

Dear Too Lazy to Want a 'Real' Job,

There are plenty of legitimate work from home practices but most of them that actually bring in income involve taking care of children or pets.  If you're ok with that, you may have a career in store.  I'd suggest moving to somewhere more prevalent to life coaches and such as you may get more business that way.

Hope this helps,

Drill

***

Dear Some Guy, etc...

Yes.

Hope this helps,

Drill

***

Dear Weeps-for-Elephants,

I'm not sure which advice columnist you think to be rubbish, but I would suggest not following the advice of someone who finds chemical treatment for everything to be the best option.  

I recommend this way in dealing with the conflicting advice:  red pill or blue pill?  Wait a minute...No pills!

Perhaps Dumbo is your spirit animal.  I got this second opinion from my good witch doctor friend.  Follow your spirit animal even if it tells you to eat peanuts all day.

Hope this helps,

Drill


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## Reaver (Mar 8, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> Dear Big Time Producer/Director/Writer in New Hollywood,
> 
> I don't do movies with:
> 
> ...



Dear Drill,

I thought you might answer this way. How about the lead in 
*"I STILL JUST WANNA DANCE: THE JOSEF MENGELE STORY II"* ?

It won't pay as much as *ZOMBIE VAMPIRE BABES*, but if all goes well, you could make quit a bit of money.

~Big Time Producer/Director/Writer/Actor in New Hollywood


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## Devor (Mar 8, 2012)

Phil the Drill said:


> Dear Weeps-for-Elephants,
> 
> I'm not sure which advice columnist you think to be rubbish, but I would suggest not following the advice of someone who finds chemical treatment for everything to be the best option.
> 
> ...



Dear Drill,

I have decided to accept all of the advice I have been given.  Everything feels calm to me.  My spirit guide is telling me to cry, but I'm having trouble.  Is my dosage too high?  Is it because I keep telling myself he isn't real?  

My son won't play with his new train set, even though it runs through the mouth of a giant elephant, whose trunk swings to bat it aside like in miniature golf.  I used to think the whole thing was "awesome," but now I can't seem to remember that feeling.  What would be fun about a train that drives through an elephants mouth and does loop-d-loops to come back out through the trunk it just rushed past?  It's not as though I were on the train, though I can't imagine that would be exciting either.

We invited other children over for a play date, and my son hasn't shown any signs of selfishness.  He lets them take his toys without much response, and they smashed a dent in the elephant's nose.  Is that normal?

That reminds me, the Dear Pill column recommended a medical treatment for you.  I'm quoting verbatim, "Tell mister Drill to take a little pill called chill."  As that was a piece of advice which doesn't sound like a chemical treatment, I feel at liberty to take his recommendations.

Sincerely,
Dazed in New Jersey


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## Legendary Sidekick (Mar 8, 2012)

Dear Drill,

I am writing in response to your response to Weeps-for -Elephants.

You told him that the elephant was his spirit animal. Then I saw this quote beneath your signature:


> "Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."
> 
> Robert E. Howard "The Tower of the *Elephant*"


Seeing how Robert E. Something Something etc.'s last name is Elephant, I can only assume that the elephant is your spirit animal too. That's funny, because sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, remove the large tusk from my mantle and run around in the dark trying to gore coyotes. I haven't actually killed any yet, but gee whiz that sure would satisfy me.

But would it satisfy Robert, our Elehant-god? Or would he be disappointed in me like my father was the time I tried to gore Frenchy, our 16-year-old Rottweiler? I'll never forget that look. Not my dad's look. I've blocked that out of my mind. But Frenchy just... he didn't respect me anymore. At first I thought it was the sweater I made him wear, but looking back, it was the goring attempt.

Oh, hell! I can't believe what I just did! I'd tell you but I'm out of paper and can only write so much in the lower margin of thi
~A Fan Who Just Wrote a Six Page Letter to You But Used the Other Five to Remedy a Noseblee


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