Again I have revised this scene, I was not at all happy with the previous version so I did not even bother to post it. Trust me it was THAT bad!
Anyhow, ignoring the obvious things such as Grammar and punctuation, which I cleaned up as much as I am capable of, thoughts?
1999
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Emily slid into the passenger seat of Dean’s Dodge neon. The little four door had survived the storms of the previous year, but was a bit worse for wear, the black metal was dinged from large hail, and while Dean took great pride in his car it was affectionately referred to as ‘the rolling golf ball.’ As she closed the door the dome light which was mysteriously a pleasant shade of blue went out. Liz giggled as Dan nuzzled her neck and whispered something in her ear.
“Everyone ready?” Dean asked, flashing one of his wide smiles.
“Ready!” everyone cried in unison.
Dean whipped out of the parking lot where Dan and Emily had left their cars. They turned on the radio and ‘Bailamos’ began playing. Dean reached over to change the CD, but Liz protested with threats of great bodily harm.
Dan, rolled his eyes, “I don’t see what you girls like about him anyway. He grunted in protest.
“Who Enrique?” Emily asked, turning to face the couple behind her.
“Yes! He’s not all that great, what is the big deal?”
Liz laughed, “Hello, what's not to like, back me up Em. That man’s got a booty you can bounce a quarter off of and you will never see it again! Am I right?”
Emily giggled as she held out her hand for a high five, “Not only that, but those leather pants! I mean Mm, so extra yummy. Oh, and the eyes, and the hair, and well, I can’t think of anything I dislike aside from his choice in girlfriends.”
It was Liz, who held up her hand for a hive five this time. “Nailed it!” She yelled as Emily turned up the volume full blast.
They drove for over an hour before taking the highway exit to New Orleans, finally Dean turned down an overgrown road, the cracked pavement caused the car to jerk and bounce with such force that it reminded Emily of a poorly maintained carnival ride.
“Where are we?” Liz asked between vomit inducing bounces.
“Half past where Jesus lost his shoes!” Emily retorted with a grimace as the car hit a deep pothole, she was thrown forward and slammed against the seat in rapid succession. She grabbed her neck and shot Dean a look of contempt. “Damn Dean! Could you find a worse road?”
“Slow down bro!” Dan howled as his beer sloshed into his lap.
“Almost there… I think…” Dean stepped on the gas and the thick swampy forest became a blur of black on black interspersed with shades of gray as the headlights illuminated the low hanging Spanish moss. Liz screamed, and Emily covered her eyes not wishing to see the break neck speed that he was achieving, for surely it could only lead to their fiery deaths.
Dean slowed the car to a crawl, “Help me look for the driveway.”
Dan rolled down his window and hung his large blond head out, “What precisely does it look like?”
“I don’t know! A driveway… I wish Jerry had not come down with the flu, he’s been here before. He said to look for a big Magnolia tree, and make that right.”
“Magnolia tree, that’s all you have?” Liz asked as she scanned the road side peering into the soupy darkness.
Dan started pounding on the door panel, “Dude, dude, there I think that’s it!” Dean stopped the car and everyone looked to where he was pointing, in the distance the very tippy tops of two rusty wrought iron posts stuck out from the tall weeds.
“Good job honey!” Liz cooed, as Dean turned down the barely discernible dirt path.
Emily shivered as she got out of the car, Dean and the others followed closely behind her.
“I don’t know about you Em, but I have to pee!”
“Right. Um, let’s find a tree I guess? Dean, did you bring T.P.?” She looked at him hopefully.
“I’ve got us covered.” Liz fished around her oversized bag producing a small package of baby wipes. “Shall we go make use of the local facilities?” She winked at Emily, who stood shaking her head.
“All hail the magic purse!” Emily, Dean and Dan did a mock bow in the direction of Liz’s purse.
As the guys grabbed their gear from the trunk, the girls ran off to the tree line to find a suitable place to answer natures call.
“It’s dark out here, let’s stick together” Liz whispered as the group walked through the trees their flashlights shining weakly into the fog.
Emily hugged Dean’s waist a little tighter, as a twig snapped in the not so far off distance.
“Shh.” Dan turned, searching for the source of the sound. Emily held her breath, get a grip girl, she told herself when she realized she was not breathing. Dan began to wade his way deeper into the stand of trees, “Come on!” he waved at them to follow him.
An owl overhead hooted, and a bat screeched as it flapped and careened through the black night sky. “Keep up,” Dan whispered to the girls who walked a good two steps behind them.
Dean stopped walking his hand balled into a fist, signaling them to halt at once. Over the crickets and other wild sounds of the land they could hear what sounded like a child laughing off in the distance. They listened for a while longer, trying to track the sound as it moved around them, right, left, front, and back. The sound moved quickly, sometimes sounding as if it were closer, and others as if it were farther away.
“I think someone is yanking our chain!” Liz grumbled softly as they tracked the sound deep into the forest’s womb.
“Maybe it’s Mami.” Dan winked at Dean and Liz.
“Whom?” Em reached out and grabbed Dan’s shoulder, spinning him around to face her.
“Mami, you don’t know the story do you? Sorry, I keep forgetting you are new here. Okay, so the reason we are out here is to see if we can find ‘Mami.’”
“Tell her the story!” Liz begged with a giggle as she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a bottle of water with a broad smile.
“The legend is that Mami was a slave back in the 1800’s. Supposedly she was some type of Hoodoo/Voodoo/Witchy type back in Africa, before being brought over here. Anyhow, no one really knows how long she was here before this happened, and there is no official record of the events anymore, but the story goes that Mami ended up killing off everyone on the plantation after her son was murdered. She gutted them one by one like fish, many of them were willing human sacrifices…” Emily gasped.
“Mami, sacrificed everyone starting with the overseer,”
“I heard she cut off his twig and berries, and stuffed his berries in his ears, and his twig in his mouth!” Dean added.
“Anyhow,” Dan began again annoyed, “she did this so she could steal their souls and torture them for the rest of time. It is said that now she haunts these woods, unable to leave, looking for more innocent people to kill in her blind need for power!”
“You forgot the best part!” Liz complained.
“Oh yeah! Mami, can take the form of anyone living or dead once she gets a hold of their soul. She can look like them, talk like them. And she really likes kids, every now and again they find one strung up in the trees in this area. Their guts hanging down like Spanish moss. So be careful! You don’t want to get separated and end up as her slave!”
Sneaking behind her Dean had picked up a fallen leaf and tickled the back of her neck. Emily jumped and shrieked, swatting at him as her flashlight hit the ground. “Relax, baby, I was just playing with you.”
“That, was not funny!” Emily growled, wiping tears from her eyes with one hand while she clutched her chest with the other. The group had a good laugh at her expense.
“Come on, let’s try to find the old house ruins.” Liz said as she handed Emily’s flashlight back to her.
Emily wiped the dirt off on her jeans and tried to turn the light on, but it would not work. “Crap! I think it’s broken.”
Dean swung his arm around her shoulders, “It’s okay, we can share mine.” He winked at her.
“Oh, just bite me!” Emily spat the words at him, still angry.
They walked in silence, stopping to listen for the sound they had been following earlier in the evening, but it had stopped. Finally, they broke free of the dense trees and into a clearing along the shore of a small body of water. In the moonlight they could clearly make out what must have been a grand old home at one point. Only the old stone chimneys, gleaming eerily in the pale light and foundations dark with age, dampness and exposure. A single door, leading into a dark, decrepit room, where bats had taken residence near the back had escaped a a major fire, and perhaps the ghosts of times long past remained.
“Let’s go in!” Dan jumped with excitement as they neared the door.
Emily pulled on Dean’s hand, “I don’t think that is a good idea, I mean what if the floor gives out?”
“Don’t be such a chicken Em.” Liz called from the top of the solitary stone step before she slipped into the darkness of the ruins.
“Come on, just for a second, we came all this way.” Dean pleaded.
“One second and then we are out of there! Promise?”
“Sure.” Dean flashed her a brilliant smile.
As she followed Dean into the ruins she felt the knot in her gut tighten, her heart pounded against her ribs, and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Dean swung his flashlight around the small space that remained, “This is so cool!” he nearly shouted.
The sound of his voice along with the glaring harsh light of the flashlights caused the bats to become agitated, they took flight by the hundreds, screaming and streaming around them in an attempt to escape from whomever had disturbed their private sanctuary. Emily and Liz screamed, swishing their hands wildly trying to keep the bats from getting too close to them as they ran for the door, and the waiting safety of the outside.
Emily stood in the moonlight, a shiver running down her spine. “Happy now?” she shot at Dan.
“Actually, Yeah.” He gave her a goofy grin. “Let’s check out the other side, see if there is anything there.”
“Dan, I think being bombed by bats is enough excitement for one night.” Liz said coldly.
“Come on, we will stay clear of the foundation, I just want to see.”
Dan stalked off, leaving the group little choice but to follow him. “Maaaami! Come out come out where ever you are!” He taunted the spirit.
“Shut up Dan!” Liz scolded as a blast of wind sent the trees swaying.
“Mami, If you are here, come say hello to us. We are waiting for you,” Dan paused, listening. “You’ve got nothing! You are a joke, weak, pathetic even!” Emily was growing more and more uncomfortable with Dan’s provocation as the seconds ticked slowly past.
Behind her, she heard a branch snap, not a small twig, but a rather large branch, she jumped, turning to see where the sound had come from.
“Come on you stupid whore!” Dan shouted angrily. “Come get me!”
Emily’s skin broke out in goosebumps, half a second later lightning came streaking across the night sky, striking a branch just above Dan and Liz. The large limb came crashing down, barely missing a Dan’s head and face. Startled, Emily grabbed Dean’s arm and started running. “Get Out!” some unseen force growled at them as they ran in fear. Emily could hear their friends in close pursuit behind them, but she really did not care if they followed or not, she was leaving now!
As they reached the car they all grabbed a door handle, and jumped in while Dean fumbled for the car keys in his pocket. “Go, go, go, go, go!” Liz screamed as another flash of lightning lit up the clear night sky.
Thirty minutes later, as they entered the highway, Dean broke the deathly silence of the small car. “We never speak of this, again. Not to anyone.”
No one replied, there was no need, the terrifying encounter they have just had was more than enough to ensure sealed lips for the rest of time.
Anyhow, ignoring the obvious things such as Grammar and punctuation, which I cleaned up as much as I am capable of, thoughts?
1999
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Emily slid into the passenger seat of Dean’s Dodge neon. The little four door had survived the storms of the previous year, but was a bit worse for wear, the black metal was dinged from large hail, and while Dean took great pride in his car it was affectionately referred to as ‘the rolling golf ball.’ As she closed the door the dome light which was mysteriously a pleasant shade of blue went out. Liz giggled as Dan nuzzled her neck and whispered something in her ear.
“Everyone ready?” Dean asked, flashing one of his wide smiles.
“Ready!” everyone cried in unison.
Dean whipped out of the parking lot where Dan and Emily had left their cars. They turned on the radio and ‘Bailamos’ began playing. Dean reached over to change the CD, but Liz protested with threats of great bodily harm.
Dan, rolled his eyes, “I don’t see what you girls like about him anyway. He grunted in protest.
“Who Enrique?” Emily asked, turning to face the couple behind her.
“Yes! He’s not all that great, what is the big deal?”
Liz laughed, “Hello, what's not to like, back me up Em. That man’s got a booty you can bounce a quarter off of and you will never see it again! Am I right?”
Emily giggled as she held out her hand for a high five, “Not only that, but those leather pants! I mean Mm, so extra yummy. Oh, and the eyes, and the hair, and well, I can’t think of anything I dislike aside from his choice in girlfriends.”
It was Liz, who held up her hand for a hive five this time. “Nailed it!” She yelled as Emily turned up the volume full blast.
They drove for over an hour before taking the highway exit to New Orleans, finally Dean turned down an overgrown road, the cracked pavement caused the car to jerk and bounce with such force that it reminded Emily of a poorly maintained carnival ride.
“Where are we?” Liz asked between vomit inducing bounces.
“Half past where Jesus lost his shoes!” Emily retorted with a grimace as the car hit a deep pothole, she was thrown forward and slammed against the seat in rapid succession. She grabbed her neck and shot Dean a look of contempt. “Damn Dean! Could you find a worse road?”
“Slow down bro!” Dan howled as his beer sloshed into his lap.
“Almost there… I think…” Dean stepped on the gas and the thick swampy forest became a blur of black on black interspersed with shades of gray as the headlights illuminated the low hanging Spanish moss. Liz screamed, and Emily covered her eyes not wishing to see the break neck speed that he was achieving, for surely it could only lead to their fiery deaths.
Dean slowed the car to a crawl, “Help me look for the driveway.”
Dan rolled down his window and hung his large blond head out, “What precisely does it look like?”
“I don’t know! A driveway… I wish Jerry had not come down with the flu, he’s been here before. He said to look for a big Magnolia tree, and make that right.”
“Magnolia tree, that’s all you have?” Liz asked as she scanned the road side peering into the soupy darkness.
Dan started pounding on the door panel, “Dude, dude, there I think that’s it!” Dean stopped the car and everyone looked to where he was pointing, in the distance the very tippy tops of two rusty wrought iron posts stuck out from the tall weeds.
“Good job honey!” Liz cooed, as Dean turned down the barely discernible dirt path.
Emily shivered as she got out of the car, Dean and the others followed closely behind her.
“I don’t know about you Em, but I have to pee!”
“Right. Um, let’s find a tree I guess? Dean, did you bring T.P.?” She looked at him hopefully.
“I’ve got us covered.” Liz fished around her oversized bag producing a small package of baby wipes. “Shall we go make use of the local facilities?” She winked at Emily, who stood shaking her head.
“All hail the magic purse!” Emily, Dean and Dan did a mock bow in the direction of Liz’s purse.
As the guys grabbed their gear from the trunk, the girls ran off to the tree line to find a suitable place to answer natures call.
“It’s dark out here, let’s stick together” Liz whispered as the group walked through the trees their flashlights shining weakly into the fog.
Emily hugged Dean’s waist a little tighter, as a twig snapped in the not so far off distance.
“Shh.” Dan turned, searching for the source of the sound. Emily held her breath, get a grip girl, she told herself when she realized she was not breathing. Dan began to wade his way deeper into the stand of trees, “Come on!” he waved at them to follow him.
An owl overhead hooted, and a bat screeched as it flapped and careened through the black night sky. “Keep up,” Dan whispered to the girls who walked a good two steps behind them.
Dean stopped walking his hand balled into a fist, signaling them to halt at once. Over the crickets and other wild sounds of the land they could hear what sounded like a child laughing off in the distance. They listened for a while longer, trying to track the sound as it moved around them, right, left, front, and back. The sound moved quickly, sometimes sounding as if it were closer, and others as if it were farther away.
“I think someone is yanking our chain!” Liz grumbled softly as they tracked the sound deep into the forest’s womb.
“Maybe it’s Mami.” Dan winked at Dean and Liz.
“Whom?” Em reached out and grabbed Dan’s shoulder, spinning him around to face her.
“Mami, you don’t know the story do you? Sorry, I keep forgetting you are new here. Okay, so the reason we are out here is to see if we can find ‘Mami.’”
“Tell her the story!” Liz begged with a giggle as she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a bottle of water with a broad smile.
“The legend is that Mami was a slave back in the 1800’s. Supposedly she was some type of Hoodoo/Voodoo/Witchy type back in Africa, before being brought over here. Anyhow, no one really knows how long she was here before this happened, and there is no official record of the events anymore, but the story goes that Mami ended up killing off everyone on the plantation after her son was murdered. She gutted them one by one like fish, many of them were willing human sacrifices…” Emily gasped.
“Mami, sacrificed everyone starting with the overseer,”
“I heard she cut off his twig and berries, and stuffed his berries in his ears, and his twig in his mouth!” Dean added.
“Anyhow,” Dan began again annoyed, “she did this so she could steal their souls and torture them for the rest of time. It is said that now she haunts these woods, unable to leave, looking for more innocent people to kill in her blind need for power!”
“You forgot the best part!” Liz complained.
“Oh yeah! Mami, can take the form of anyone living or dead once she gets a hold of their soul. She can look like them, talk like them. And she really likes kids, every now and again they find one strung up in the trees in this area. Their guts hanging down like Spanish moss. So be careful! You don’t want to get separated and end up as her slave!”
Sneaking behind her Dean had picked up a fallen leaf and tickled the back of her neck. Emily jumped and shrieked, swatting at him as her flashlight hit the ground. “Relax, baby, I was just playing with you.”
“That, was not funny!” Emily growled, wiping tears from her eyes with one hand while she clutched her chest with the other. The group had a good laugh at her expense.
“Come on, let’s try to find the old house ruins.” Liz said as she handed Emily’s flashlight back to her.
Emily wiped the dirt off on her jeans and tried to turn the light on, but it would not work. “Crap! I think it’s broken.”
Dean swung his arm around her shoulders, “It’s okay, we can share mine.” He winked at her.
“Oh, just bite me!” Emily spat the words at him, still angry.
They walked in silence, stopping to listen for the sound they had been following earlier in the evening, but it had stopped. Finally, they broke free of the dense trees and into a clearing along the shore of a small body of water. In the moonlight they could clearly make out what must have been a grand old home at one point. Only the old stone chimneys, gleaming eerily in the pale light and foundations dark with age, dampness and exposure. A single door, leading into a dark, decrepit room, where bats had taken residence near the back had escaped a a major fire, and perhaps the ghosts of times long past remained.
“Let’s go in!” Dan jumped with excitement as they neared the door.
Emily pulled on Dean’s hand, “I don’t think that is a good idea, I mean what if the floor gives out?”
“Don’t be such a chicken Em.” Liz called from the top of the solitary stone step before she slipped into the darkness of the ruins.
“Come on, just for a second, we came all this way.” Dean pleaded.
“One second and then we are out of there! Promise?”
“Sure.” Dean flashed her a brilliant smile.
As she followed Dean into the ruins she felt the knot in her gut tighten, her heart pounded against her ribs, and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. Dean swung his flashlight around the small space that remained, “This is so cool!” he nearly shouted.
The sound of his voice along with the glaring harsh light of the flashlights caused the bats to become agitated, they took flight by the hundreds, screaming and streaming around them in an attempt to escape from whomever had disturbed their private sanctuary. Emily and Liz screamed, swishing their hands wildly trying to keep the bats from getting too close to them as they ran for the door, and the waiting safety of the outside.
Emily stood in the moonlight, a shiver running down her spine. “Happy now?” she shot at Dan.
“Actually, Yeah.” He gave her a goofy grin. “Let’s check out the other side, see if there is anything there.”
“Dan, I think being bombed by bats is enough excitement for one night.” Liz said coldly.
“Come on, we will stay clear of the foundation, I just want to see.”
Dan stalked off, leaving the group little choice but to follow him. “Maaaami! Come out come out where ever you are!” He taunted the spirit.
“Shut up Dan!” Liz scolded as a blast of wind sent the trees swaying.
“Mami, If you are here, come say hello to us. We are waiting for you,” Dan paused, listening. “You’ve got nothing! You are a joke, weak, pathetic even!” Emily was growing more and more uncomfortable with Dan’s provocation as the seconds ticked slowly past.
Behind her, she heard a branch snap, not a small twig, but a rather large branch, she jumped, turning to see where the sound had come from.
“Come on you stupid whore!” Dan shouted angrily. “Come get me!”
Emily’s skin broke out in goosebumps, half a second later lightning came streaking across the night sky, striking a branch just above Dan and Liz. The large limb came crashing down, barely missing a Dan’s head and face. Startled, Emily grabbed Dean’s arm and started running. “Get Out!” some unseen force growled at them as they ran in fear. Emily could hear their friends in close pursuit behind them, but she really did not care if they followed or not, she was leaving now!
As they reached the car they all grabbed a door handle, and jumped in while Dean fumbled for the car keys in his pocket. “Go, go, go, go, go!” Liz screamed as another flash of lightning lit up the clear night sky.
Thirty minutes later, as they entered the highway, Dean broke the deathly silence of the small car. “We never speak of this, again. Not to anyone.”
No one replied, there was no need, the terrifying encounter they have just had was more than enough to ensure sealed lips for the rest of time.
