One fine day, a monk named Friar Wong was traveling across a stone path through the woods, wearing a pink frilly tutu and knee high boots. He came across a curious scene. There, right in front of him, was a walrus nailed to a giant fork.
“Whatever are you doing up there?” Friar Wong asked.
“A bunch of blasted barbarians crucified me. They were carnivorous bandits, cannibal thieves. Man eating men. Those buffoons put me here, good sir, I do say!” The walrus expositoned.
“I see,” Wong said, “How may I help?”
“Maybe...you could...er...untie me, I say good sir, I say?”
“Yes…” Wong said, “Perhaps I could...I should weigh my benefits…”
The walrus sighed.
“Typical. Poor old Gustav! Always crucified and chained, and tortured and beaten! Oh, woe is me! IS ME!!!”the walrus said.
“Geez fine! Calm down! I’ll untie you,” Wong said, his hands moving up.
Gustav thrashed in agony as Wong climbed up the fork and unscrewed the nails. They both fell to the ground, Gustav crushing Wong under his weight. Wong pushed Gustav off him.
“My, are you a rotund walrus, Gustav!” he said, shaking his head.
Suddenly a howl erupted.
A well fed wolf strutted forward. He was wearing a robe and pointed shoes, with a monocle and a top hat. He smoked a pipe and had a writhing bulge on his stomach.
“WOLF! WOLF!” the stomach sobbed.
“Oh! I’ve heard of you! You’re the wolf who ate the boy who cried wolf!” Wong exclaimed.
“Please, call me Octavian. What brings two fine gentlepeople such as yourselves outside on such a dreary day? The sun is blaring, and it’s 90 degrees. Even the frogs and the gnomes can’t stand it!” He said.
“You talk too much,” his stomach said through tears.
“Oh, that’s just Piotr. Say hello Piotr!” Octavian said.
“He doesn’t have to say hello. We didn’t.” Wong said.
“Oh! The agony! The tragedy! The flame, and the divorce! The pitch...for MY NEW PLAY!” Gustav cried out.
“Very good! Oh, how I just love plays!” Wong and Octavian said in unison.
“Oh dear. We spoke at the same time as each other.” Octavian said.
The trees got up and put on their big boy pants.
“Hello!” Wong said.
“Hello!” A tree said.
“Hello,” Wong said.
“Hello,” The tree said back.
“Hello?” Octavian asked.
“Hello!!!!!!” Piotr sobbed.
“Why is everyone saying hello?” Gustav asked.
“I don’t know!” A pig in a posh outfit with a mustache said.
“Reginald! My old friend!” Octavian said, “Hello!”
“STOP SAYING HELLO!” Gustav screamed.
The trees harrumphed in disgust.
“How rude,” one said.
“You can never say too many hellos,” another said.
“Well, let’s just go off. I was leaving to get to the wizard’s castle.” Reginald giggled.
“The wizard’s castle? Which wizard?” Wong asked.
“A witch wizard, I do say?” Gustav asked.
“No, WHICH wizard.” Cornelius said.
“Sorry, I am a bit deaf. Old walrus, I do say.” Gustav sighed.
“Udarin The Evoker,” Reginald said.
“Ha! Udarin? That old codger?” Octavian scoffed, “not nearly as good a wizard as Cornelius the Conjurer.”
“Don’t be so rude!” Wong said, smacking Octavian upside the head.
“I like your tutu...what’s your name?” Reginald asked.
“Friar Wong,” he answered.
“Friar Wong eh? Nice name too! Sounds monkish,” Reginald mused.
“Well, I am a monk. It makes sense that you would think that,” Wong said.
“Yes, well we should go now,” Reginald said.
“I did not agree to this!” yelled Gustav.
“Too bad for you then! We shall depart immediately,” Octavian chuckled, “Reginald isn’t the type to give up on a quest because of a few worrywarts.”
Reginald began walking down the long road through the valley of soft grass. Wong shrugged and followed closely behind. The rest followed Wong, Gustav being last. They all took steps through the valley, doing hardly anything of note. Perhaps a few bubblegum trees along the way. Eventually they all paused for a moment to rest. It was that moment that the bandits attacked. Six hairy men in fur armor carrying big weapons charged from behind a bubblegum tree, all roaring.
“The cannibals! They’re back for me! Oh, the TRAGEDY,” said Gustav.
“Why hello good sirs! What brings you gentlemen out on such a-” Reginald began to say, but he was interrupted by a helmeted man with a maul swinging at him.
Reginald took out a flintlocke and shot the helmeted man in the chest. One bandit with a longsword attempted to hack Gustav to pieces, but his blubber protected him as he slapped the cannibalistic thief. Wong picked up a blade of grass and a sword grew out of it. He attacked a bandit with a poleaxe, chopping off his head. Octavian ran over several other bandits until only one was left. They had not seen this one before, he was a seventh bandit. The seventh bandit was tall, wearing a cloak as black as the void and carrying an obsidian sickle in his cold pale hands.
“Fools! Soon, the shadow shall take you,” he said in a thin, rasping voice, like an old man who hadn’t spoken in a thousand years.
“Who are you?” Piotr asked from within Octavian’s stomach.
“I am...Uther the Necromancer, wizard of the Dead Wood!” the man wailed in a ghostly voice.
They all gasped. Where a head should have been, instead there was a writhing mass of snakes.
“/zxmop!” Uther incanted.
Hordes of corpses began falling from the sky.
“Run!” Wong screamed.
They all ran, so as to escape Uther’s wrath. Uther cackled as he clapped his hands and disappeared.
“What in the name of Dog was that?” Gustav asked.
“Don’t use Her name in vain!” Wong yelled.
“Well she isn’t even real. Made up by the High Temple Of Dog, just to challenge Cat and Poo,” said Gustav.
“Friar Wong! Gustav! Silence! Cease your incessant arguing,” Reginald interrupted.
Wong and Gustav stopped and stared at Reginald.
“Listen, Gustav. You are annoying. Shut up. And Friar Wong?”
“Yes?” Friar Wong asked.
“Calm down. Not everyone's the same religion as you.”
Wong looked down and began to cry.
“There there, cry it out. But moving forward, try to deal with these things,” Reginald said.
“Okay…” Wong sobbed.
“Ha ha! You’re crying!” Gustav giggled.
Cornelius smacked him upside the head.