The Life of a Writer

[Subcreator]

This may seem like too personal a post, and I'm sure some of you may not care about this, but I have to say it. I know that most of the people here, and most of the people who are writers, they make a living through regular jobs. Well, for me, I can't really do that. I collect disability and food stamps, since I'm unable to work. Panic attacks and severe Tourette's Syndrome, on top of autism spectrum disorder (fortunately someone high functioning) have kept me from being able to hold down a job. They don't, however, prevent me from writing.

Unfortunately, my family was none too supportive about my writing, especially fantasy writing. You see, I was raised in a conservative Christian family, and my grandmother (who was otherwise verbally and emotionally abusive) tried convincing me to right something more "normal." She even recommended I get interested in Westerns. Not only that, but she insisted that "nobody" makes a living at writing, and that the only reason I could do it full-time is if I get as famous as Stephen King or Tom Clancy.

That said, my family insisted that I needed to get a real job and leave writing as a hobby. Of course, since I didn't have a job, they believed that I shouldn't devote any time to a hobby, meaning that I shouldn't write. When it came out that I would likely never work and needed to go on disability, they still didn't think I should devote time to writing. Essentially, it wasn't important.

That was about six years ago, but I'm still bothered by this. My wife (who is working part-time as a restaurant server) insists that I should just focus on my writing and accept that, for the moment, I need to collect government aid based on my disabilities. However, it's still hard breaking free from the mental tapes that keep replaying in my mind, especially when we're not even able to pay minimum on our debts. (I've got some serious guilt over that, too.)

I realize I'm just rambling and ranting, but I'm nearly 30 years old, have never held down a job for more than five months, and here I am, trying to figure out how to make a living on writing, which everyone tells me is, at best, a risky venture, yet I can't stop doing it.

Well, that's my rant for the day. I hope y'all don't mind it.

 

[PlotHolio]

I can't come close to that level of rant-worthiness. My issue is that I have to keep my writing a secret from my family because my mom hates fantasy with an unbridled passion, and my dad shows it to everybody (read: total strangers) if he gets his hands on it.

 

[Subcreator]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you keep doing it, though. For me, what's especially difficult is the fact that these concerns and worries often keep me from writing. I worry if any of it is worth anything, or if my writing can be worth something after it's read and published, and only based on how much money it makes for me. I don't want to live like that, and I don't want to write for that, but it's what keeps haunting me, like the voices of the former gods of one of my characters, constantly trying to drag him back to Hell.

 

[Chilari]

Family have such a huge part in our lives, especially in formative years, that it's very difficult to shake free of the inclination to want to please them - even if they're not worth pleasing. I've been fortunate in that my family have always been very supportive of my writing, but when it comes to a certain weight issue I struggle when talking to or meeting Granny who has been emotionally manipulative on that score, not to mention a huge hypocrite.

We've all got scars from the way we've been brought up, and it's difficult to shake free of things so deeply ingrained. In fact I was talking about this with my fiance the other night. Constant reinforcement over years are difficult to break free of because when you try to do the thing that you've always been told is bad, you feel guilty even when it's not a bad thing.

And since we're sharing, I'll share my situation: I'm working full time in a job that's not especially well paid, but which will be slightly better paid in a month (which is nice). I live ith my fiance - who was in Employment Support Allowance (UK version of disability) until the government's cronies in ATOS decided he wasn't suicidal frequently enough to be worthy of ESA payments, but because he's unfit for work he can't/won't claim Jobseeker's Allowance (he'd have to actually leave the house alone once a fortnight for a start - and make it back from the job centre without jumping off the bridge on the way, that place is depressing even for someone who is mentally well). He's suffering from depression and on the road to recovery, but still struggles with leaving the house or speaking to anyone but me, his mum, and some online friends he's known longer than we've been together. We live rent-free in his mum's house because we can't afford rent anyhere and won't claim housing benefit. My parents live a mile away and I drive my mum's car (she has two though) which I am buying from her at £100 a month. But I have the evenings to write and browse the net. We do okay but aren't saving any money, and with the loss of Matt's benefits it's been tight this month (I've not paid my £100 for the car or the £65 insurance on it to my parents, nor the £100 council tax because it's exempt this month or something) but when my pay rise comes through that'll make up some of what we've lost in ESA.

 

[Penpilot]

That's tough situation your in. I've been thinking about how to respond, but maybe I'll borrow some words from others. Here are some of my favorite quotes. They give me inspiration when I need it. Maybe they'll do the same for you.

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway."
— Earl Nightingale

"If there's no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters -- then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is. What we do. Now. Today." - Joss Whedon

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome. - Michael Jordan

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

There comes a time in everyone's life when they reach a certain maturation, and come to understand that in order to realize all their hopes and dreams, they are the only ones that can make it happen...the rest be damned. It can be difficult to break free from the expectations of others, especially when they've been predominant in our lives...but you must. You can't allow anyone to hold you back as much as you can't allow yourself to use those people, or problems, as an excuse.

Now, I not mean I sound callous. That's not my intent. I certainly don't know what it's like to live as anyone other than myself. What I do know though, is that the choice always remains with you. Do you truly want to be a writer? If so, then no one, or no thing, should be able to stand between you and that goal.

For a long time I "thought" I wanted to be a writer. I wrote here & there...waited for the ideal of inspiration to grab hold only to watch it burn away unresolved...gave excuses to family and friends (and myself) about my progress or why it takes so long to complete a project, or the insurmountable odds involved. Seven years passed in this way until I finally...actually...wanted to be a writer...and the rest be damned. Now I write as I please without regard to other people's opinions on topics or character actions. I write stories I'd want to read...not what I think they'd want to read from me. I write with the long-game goal of writing full time. I write with an incremental, daily word count goal that I strictly uphold (it adds up fast).... Point is, I write...and I work at writing everyday. I won't quit until I'm there.

I've learned it will take two things for me to achieve that goal:
1) Daily effort
2) Freedom of expression / Ability to write honestly

Until you grasp those fundamentals & put them in practice, in my experience, you will flounder...always concerned about what others will think...about whether or not you can get where you want to be...about why success seems too far away. In the end, the choice is yours & yours alone.

"You fail only if you stop writing." - Ray Bradbury

There are many writers out there who struggled, in really crappy financial & familial situations, that eventually achieved their goals.... Bradbury & King off the top of my head. Don't allow for excuses, they didn't.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Sub, don't feel alone. I am also on disability and writing for my life. I am 38, bi-polar (among other things) and have never been able to hold down a job for more than 14 months in my life. I am often house-bound and debilitated by depression and anxiety. But, to quote Roger Zelazny, "Trust your demon." I have never met a writer who did not either suffer from some sort of disability, mental illness, or trauma. My partner, who writes with me, thinks that my mental illness is the gift that keeps me from being limited to seeing just the "real" world. That it is what allows me to slip on my character's skins and speak with their voices, to feel their heartbreaks and triumphs, to work through their issues, and to see their worlds through their eyes, so that I may share their stories with the world. On those days when my mental state or my constantly-shifting medications don't allow me to make pages, I spend the time world building or researching, or as a last resort reading my favorite authors so at least their voices can carry me through back to my world.

Don't ever, ever, let anyone tell you that your writing is less than valuable, that it is just a hobby. Those people are limited in their perspectives, and I pity them even as I ignore them. Writing is life. You write because you have been gifted with the souls of those characters who live within you, begging for their stories to be told. So tell them. You're the only one who can. Publish or not, profit or no, tell your stories.

And listen to your wife. Yours, like mine, sees your talent and supports and loves you. This is such a gift for any writer, to have a partner who accepts us for our eccentricities and the fact that we have other people living in our heads (I know mine often like to interject colorful commentary - like I often say, half my best friends are imaginary) and that we will stay up communing with these strangers until the wee hours. Accept her faith in you.

 

[Subcreator]

Thank you everyone, and thanks especially aelowan. Sometimes, I think I also have some kind of dissociative disorder, as well, and other times, I'm convinced of it. After all, it's okay if you talk to yourself. You might have problems if you answer. If a third party butts in and tells the other two to shut up, you've got issues. Sometimes, the voices/facets can be pretty frightening, particularly the one who wants to destroy all existence. You know what I do to fight him? I made him my villain. In my main story, he's just the villain, but in my superhero stories, he's shown as a cult/secret society/HYDRA-ripoff from the future called the Oblivion Order (which includes the Illuminati of the Void and the Blood Cabal). That's one way I try to exercise my demons. So, thanks everyone.

 

[Darkblade]

Thank you everyone, and thanks especially aelowan. Sometimes, I think I also have some kind of dissociative disorder, as well, and other times, I'm convinced of it. After all, it's okay if you talk to yourself. You might have problems if you answer. If a third party butts in and tells the other two to shut up, you've got issues. Sometimes, the voices/facets can be pretty frightening, particularly the one who wants to destroy all existence. You know what I do to fight him? I made him my villain. In my main story, he's just the villain, but in my superhero stories, he's shown as a cult/secret society/HYDRA-ripoff from the future called the Oblivion Order (which includes the Illuminati of the Void and the Blood Cabal). That's one way I try to exercise my demons. So, thanks everyone.

On the bright side if your characters won't stay out of your mind writer's block isn't much of an issue.

On a more serious note, I would encourage you to seek out psychiatric/psychological help for your disorder. I myself have only mild aspergers but have found what therapy I can get to be of great help in keeping my life on track. If you aren't seeing someone for that talk to your disability case worker if they can arrange something, I do not know how it works in the US but here I have found that they usually can do something.

Above all else though do not give up on your writing. Writing the stories you want how you want them is the greatest thing anyone can ever hope to experience in their life. If that is what you want to do then you must do it with all of your heart.

 

[Subcreator]

In case anyone's interested in an update (and even if you're not ), I've finished my novel, which I'm calling Wrath of the Fallen (and yes, this is the one I was considering naming The Song of the Tiger), and I just sent my first query letter to an agent. My grandmother insisted that I needed to copyright anything before sending it off, because she thought that agents would steal my work. That just goes to show how little I should listen to her advice, namely that writing isn't worth doing.

Oh well, she's in Massachusetts, and I'm in Arkansas. She can't touch me here.

 

[Nihal]

The worst thing I've heard in my life?

"You're so intelligent, you could do so many things, but you're wasting it!"

After this I spent one whole year without drawing a thing. You see, today I'm an illustrator. I knew the person who said it was wrong, I knew I would be able to make a living from illustrating and knew she didn't even knew the market to say such things, but it didn't stop me from feeling extremely guilty every time I attempt to draw. I was too young and afraid (and I'm still). I kept working in an half-time internship, earning $150/month, from which I saved everything I could.

My parents were supportive, but worried about me. I still can see it, see how they don't understand that having a full time job in the creative industry here doesn't equal to stability. Most jobs are illegal or pay badly. The heck, the last place I worked paid more or less well, better than any previous jobs, but left me ill, at the point I couldn't bear it anymore when added to many other reasons that are best to be left unspoken.

The hardest part is to break free of these self-imposed restraints. I'm aware that I'm able to live off all the things I know to do, I'm careful with my money and could rely on my savings for at least 6 months - having the self discipline required to be a freelancer - , and I'm young, that's the time to try and to invest in my future. I know it's illogical to feel such fear and guilty. But this kind of thing still haunts me everyday, and I struggle with it. And what affects me emotionally affects my drawing. I guess it's a slow process.

 

[Tumbleweed]

I've been writing forever and always wanted to be an author. However my partner wasn't overly supportive of my 'hobby' - we have four children and I have a part time job so writing time has always been in short supply and I've felt guilty working on it rather than doing housework etc.

However - I split with my partner a couple of years ago and since then I've thrown a lot more time into writing to the point that I've decided I owe it to myself to give a serious attempt at getting published. I've finished several novels that need editing and sending out. I've had a 'revise and resubmit' offer from an agent on one of the first drafts so I have a reason to work at it as much as possible.

So, my youngest starts school in September and I'm going to use the school hours to work on my writing. I'll still work my day job part time but my goal is to make enough money from writing that I can at least mostly support myself on it if not completely. I'm feeling quite excited about it now I've made the decision - of course the other option is to find a full time day job...