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A companion to Steerpike's Revision thread: On Dialogue tags

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
We've talked a lot about dialogue tags in the past months.

I have four little kids. I can pretty much look at a baby now and tell you exactly how old it is. How can I do that? Well, I look for indicators. Things like how they talk, walk, hold objects. What they do to get their mother's attention. There are a multitude of little factors that can pretty much tell you within a month, how old a child is. What's my point? There's a few really key indicators to how much experience a writer has too. One of those key factors is dialogue tags, or in a more complete concept, character interaction.

Now, I'm not talking about stylistic differences, such as some people choosing to always use the word "said". Some people insist on using obscure tags, while others occasionally choose a non-said word. For example:

She conveyed
He reflected
She extrapolated
They chorused
He said, melodically
etc. etc.

A whisper is a whisper. A murmur is a murmur. I'll even say things like "growled", "droned", "interjected", "interrupted", etc. are pretty alright in moderation. But they convey more about the voice and character than just finding fancy ways of "dressing up" dialogues.

I'm also specifically talking about techniques that go beyond word choosiness. One of those things is pacing. Pacing is the single most important skill to master, if you ask me. At least in regard to good, solid character interactions. I guess it's sort of like saying dough is the single most important element to a good pizza (which is very debatable...), but for the context of this thread, I'm focusing on exactly what turns a good story into a great one. And one thing that most certainly does, is authentic, natural character interactions. And essential to meeting that goal, is the lowly dialogue tag, sometimes tacked on without a thought, and sometimes obtrusively planted right where it ought not be. And sometimes, it's sorely missed.

So how to determine what's the right choice? We've got "saids", beats, combinations of both, reactions, all kinds of ways of indicating who's speaking and who's doing what while others are speaking.

Well, I mentioned in the revision thread that pacing is the biggest issue. What I mean by that, is that there are a couple reasons pacing in dialogue is important. One, you need to give the reader a moment for certain things to sink in and be understood. In first person, this is easy, in second, it's even easier. With third person, it can be more challenging to give the reader a moment to breathe while a tense interaction is taking place. So dialogue tags, internal thoughts, and actions interspersed can actually greatly aid the reader in "getting" a scene. Sometimes, a rapid-fire feel is absolutely essential to conveying immediacy. At other times, a slower pace is vital to getting the information to sink in without making the scene or reader feel rushed.

Sometimes tension can be increased with a few dramatic pauses, at other times, it would make the scene feel stilted or otherwise unnatural.

But how best to determine when and where to use which technique... First, reading aloud is a great tool. When you read aloud, you're forced to hear what it sounds like, and that can let you know immediately that something isn't working right. I'm absolutely not trying to put forth any one theory as the end all be all of writing, but there's definitely a difference between a well-paced character interaction and one that feels off.
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
This is something I'm struggling a bit with. My conversations seem to run on for more than just a few short exchanges and it quickly gets complicated to get them flowing nicely. I believe I got a theoretical understanding of tags and beats and all that stuff, but from that to writing a smooth conversation is quite a step.

Reading it out loud is probably a good idea so I should try that out.
 

Aosto

Sage
My biggest struggle with dialog in the past has been adding unecesary beats. I would explain to the reader just about everything that was going on.
He pulled the parchment from a pouch at his side and unraveled it. "Have a look at this."
I found it wasn't necessary to tell the reader this information. It's best to leave some to the imagination. So it turned into this.

He unraveled the parchment and handed it over. "Have a look at this."

Another 'Faux Pas' was mixing beats and tags together in a jumbled mess. Either a beat, or a tag. Sometimes it's necessary, but can mostly be eliminated.

Finn unraveled the parchment. "Look at this." He said.

The beat let us know who is talking, the he said part was unnecessary.

Another tidbit I've picked up (And I can't quote the originator, because I can't remember where I picked this up at) is to let the reader know who is talking as soon as possible. Especially if the dialog follows a paragraph that wasn't dialog.

-couple of paragraphs-
"So you see," Finn continued, "there are several ways of doing this."
Rather then
"So you see, there are several ways of doing this." Finn said.

When you wait to long to let the reader know who is talking, they sometimes have to go back and re-read it. This interrupts the flow.
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Okay, so I look at it like this:

Remember Shakespeare with his iambic pentameter? I try to go for something like that. Maybe it's my background in music, maybe I'm just drawn to a sound no one else cares about. I tend to notice the books I enjoy the most follow a certain "rhythm". No, they're not comparble to Shakespeare, but the principal is applicable in many instances. I'd ask someone else to post a segment they'd like to have pulled apart, but I wouldn't want anyone to feel called out. But if someone wants to post a section of dialogue we could take a closer look at, please do.
 

Aosto

Sage
I'll take the bate.

Finn stood puzzled at the door when a soft hand settled on his shoulder.
“People are leaving,” Brigit said “no one knows what to do.”
Finn faced her, her brown eyes were puffy and red. Her long brown hair that normally fell over her shoulders was tied back in a ponytail. She threw herself against his chest and sobbed.
Finn pulled her closer, “Did I miss something?”
“King Nuada’s speech. Where were you?”
“I...I overslept. Had to get those shoes ready for Mills.” Finn bit his tongue, he completely forgot about the caravan leaving today.
“Mills left right after the speech, along with the rest of the caravans.” Brigit cleared her eyes with a bit of Finn’s shirt.
Realizing they were still blocking the door, Finn led them to the bar. “So we have a week?”
“That’s what Nuada said. He said we can stay and fight, or we can run and hide. If we stay and fight, we will die, but we will die in honor. His words, not mine.”
“I really don’t feel like dieing.” Finn chuckled.
“Stop it.” Brigit smacked his arm “this is serious.”
“Sorry. I say we run and hide.”
“And where would we go?”
“We’ll go to Murias. I’m sure other merchants are heading that way, we can ride along.”
“What other Merchants? They all left.” Brigit pointed towards the window. “The last of the ships is leaving anytime now.”
“Then we should probably get going, shouldn’t we?” Finn stood
Brigit pulled him back down, “I have...I don’t...We can’t leave.”
Finn looked at her tear soaked eyes. “Either we leave now on a ship, or we walk. I for one don’t want to walk.”
“This is my home. I grew up here, I can’t leave.”
Finn placed an arm around her. “There won’t be a home. If the stories are true, Tornek won’t leave anyone alive who doesn’t join him.” He leaned in closer to her taking her hand in his. “So. Do you want to join him?”
Brigit shook her head and swallowed hard. “Okay.” She stood with Finn. “Let’s go.”
They stood to leave when the front door flew open. One of the Kings Guard scanned the room. His plate armor reflected the flickering light of the tavern. “Finn Lugh?”
The room was silent as the patrons glanced around meeting eyes with Finn. He looked down at Brigit and back to the guard. His skin pricked, his palms sweaty. “I am Finn.”
“Fin Lugh, the blacksmith?” The guard walked towards Finn pushing aside others as he did.
“That is correct.” Finn cleared his throat. “What can I do for you?”
“King Nuada seeks an audience immediately. Come with me, please.”
Finn looked around the room. Every eye landed on him.
“She’s coming with me.” He pointed to Brigit.
“Okay, just..let’s go.” The guard rushed them out of the door into the abandoned street.
They walked a few paces behind the man, if you could call it walking. They were practically jogging up the street towards the Kings manor.
“What’s going on?” Brigit said.
Finn glanced down at her. He suspect Ciaran had something to do with this, but why would the King worry himself about that in a time like this?
“Your guess is agood as mine.” Finn said.
In the three years he has known Brigit, he hasn’t bothered to talk of his past.
They rounded the corner towards the manor where they were met with more members of the guard.
“Follow us,” the one in the front commanded.
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
okay, I found one I could use in my manuscript:

The lightening sky becoming visible through the open hayloft window, Daniela wished for a longer night. “You should go,” she whispered into the knight’s bare chest, still sweaty from their passion. “It’s almost morning.”

“Actually, I should. I have to ride to Claudio Molin today and come back and talk to your father.”

Daniela’s heart skipped a beat. “I’m surprised you heard already.”

“Heard what?”

“About my engagement.”

“You’re engaged?”

Lorenzo’s nonchalance startled her. “Isn’t that why you’re speaking to Father?”

“I’m speaking to him on behalf of my father. A theft occurred in the village and my men spotted a man riding like the wind toward Signor Molin’s border only a few afternoons ago. A woman turned up dead.”

Daniela gasped. “Murdered?”

His voice grew solemn. “Robbed and drowned. She was a jeweler’s wife and her husband hired a band of mercenaries to track down the thief. I hope it can be a simple matter, but Signor Molin should be on guard and your father too. There’s no telling what a desperate man like that will do once cornered.”

Daniela barely heard any of it, disappointed he had not even been aware of her plight. “What about my engagement?”

“What about it?” He asked, pulling his shirt over his head. “Do you want me to stop seeing you?”

She watched him dress in a hurry, as if his business with Signor Molin was the most important thing in the world. “I thought you might step in, so I don’t have to marry him.”

“Why don’t you just tell your father you don’t want to marry him? Or, better yet, tell him. You’re within your rights to refuse if you want to. It’s a bit different for titled men and women, but you can… Wait. Who are you supposed to marry?”

“Rafe Venieri, have you heard of him?”

Lorenzo chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve heard of him. He’s chancellor of Kanassa. His mother’s a foreigner, isn’t she?”

Daniela pulled on her nightdress and crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t know.”

Lorenzo shrugged. “The Venieris seem to be good people.”

“Yes, well be that as it may, Rafe appears to be their black sheep.”

Lorenzo laughed. “You’re being a bit hard on him, aren’t you Dani?”

She squinted her eyes, wondering what exactly he meant by that. “It sounds like you’d be just fine if I married the wretch.”

Lorenzo shrugged, buttoning his trousers. “It isn’t for me to say. His name is good and his family has money. You’d live better than you do here and Angelo can’t want to support you forever.”

She couldn’t stop her mouth falling open.

“He may not have land or title, but it would be a step up for you. You probably won’t receive a better offer.”

“But, you’re landed and have a title,” she cried. “Can’t you just tell Father you want to marry me?”

Lorenzo smiled and brought his hand to her cheek. “I can’t and you well know it.” He gestured at Daniela, still lying in the hay, a nightgown barely concealing her. “This is all a bit of fun, nothing more. I can’t marry you, Dani, no matter how loyal your father is to the doge. He won’t offer a dowry big enough to interest my father and our families have no strong ties save a border. I’m afraid that isn’t enough.”

He spoke so matter-of-factly, it made Daniela sick. Didn’t he understand how hurtful his words were? “Isn’t enough? What about love? Doesn’t that factor into this at all?”

“Not really.” He stroked her hair in sympathy, which only fueled her growing anger.

“Is that it then?” she asked softly. “You won’t step in?”

“To what end? I already said I couldn’t marry you. What do you want me to do? Disobey my father and run away from my home? I stand to inherit a sizeatate and have a duty to my people.”

“I see. So you plan to see me like this until I ask you to stop whether I’m married or not?”

“I haven’t thought about it.” He shook his head in annoyance. “Is there really anything more I need to say?”

“I suppose not.”

“I need to leave and meet Signor Molin. I’ll see you this evening.”
 
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Aosto

Sage
No worries. I'll scan through yours. I gave it a quick read and nothing major stood out. But I'll give it a quick go.
 

Aosto

Sage
I think I would like to see a beat here. “Actually, I should.” He gently kissed her head. “I have to ride to Claudio Molin today and come back and talk to your father.”
“Actually, I should. I have to ride to Claudio Molin today and come back and talk to your father.”

Here I think we’ve established that he is getting dressed. And there are two beats here as well. It throws the flow a bit for me.
Lorenzo shrugged, buttoning his trousers. “It isn’t for me to say. His name is good and his family has money. You’d live better than you do here and Angelo can’t want to support you forever.”

Not really dialog, but I did get confused here. He brought her hand to her cheek and then motioned to Daniela. I assume Daniela is the other person in this dialog, but it did throw me. For a minute I thought maybe there were two females in this scene.
Lorenzo smiled and brought his hand to her cheek. “I can’t and you well know it.” He gestured at Daniela, still lying in the hay, a nightgown barely concealing her. “This is all a bit of fun, nothing more. I can’t marry you, Dani, no matter how loyal your father is to the doge. He won’t offer a dowry big enough to interest my father and our families have no strong ties save a border. I’m afraid that isn’t enough.”

Overall though, good piece. The flow felt good aside from the few spots I pointed out.
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Finn stood puzzled at the door when a soft hand settled on his shoulder.
“People are leaving,” Brigit said “no one knows what to do.”

I think this has a strong effect. The soft hand isn't over-described and her words raise a question that makes the reder ask, "What's going on?"

Finn faced her, her brown eyes were puffy and red. Her long brown hair that normally fell over her shoulders was tied back in a ponytail. She threw herself against his chest and sobbed.
Finn pulled her closer, “Did I miss something?”

Okay, so this part confused me. I felt the puffy eyes helped the scene, but her hair hurt it. her hair doesn't give an emotional connection, but her puffy eyes certainly speak volumes. Could that be followed up with a POV internal thought to bring us further into Finn? Maybe something like, "He hated seeing her cry..."

“King Nuada’s speech. Where were you?”
“I...I overslept. Had to get those shoes ready for Mills.” Finn bit his tongue, he completely forgot about the caravan leaving today.

Okay, so this is a bit of POV here, giving us his inner thoughts.

“Mills left right after the speech, along with the rest of the caravans.” Brigit cleared her eyes with a bit of Finn’s shirt.
Realizing they were still blocking the door, Finn led them to the bar. “So we have a week?”
“That’s what Nuada said. He said we can stay and fight, or we can run and hide. If we stay and fight, we will die, but we will die in honor. His words, not mine.”

"realizing", "noticing", etc. are weaker ways to get this point across. I'd probably suggest either having a patron try to squeeze by or just omit it if it's important. It's detracting from the interaction between the characters. I think a little break up might be really good here, because when he asks the next question, her response is very good.

“I really don’t feel like dieing.” Finn chuckled.
“Stop it.” Brigit smacked his arm “this is serious.”
“Sorry. I say we run and hide.”
“And where would we go?”
“We’ll go to Murias. I’m sure other merchants are heading that way, we can ride along.”
“What other Merchants? They all left.” Brigit pointed towards the window. “The last of the ships is leaving anytime now.”
“Then we should probably get going, shouldn’t we?” Finn stood

This was a good exchange. Paced well, clear to read. I think the missing dialogue tags is the correct choice here.

Brigit pulled him back down, “I have...I don’t...We can’t leave.”
Finn looked at her tear soaked eyes. “Either we leave now on a ship, or we walk. I for one don’t want to walk.”
“This is my home. I grew up here, I can’t leave.”
Finn placed an arm around her. “There won’t be a home. If the stories are true, Tornek won’t leave anyone alive who doesn’t join him.” He leaned in closer to her taking her hand in his. “So. Do you want to join him?”

"looked at her tear-soaked eyes is another weak descriptor. It is static, telling us what's going on, but not helping create the depth that will connect, necessarily. What about her eyes affected him? I think replacing that one line with an internal thought would be the best bet, something poignant to the scene and maybe expounding on how he feels about her or her distress, or maybe their predicament? The lines of dialogue and the hand-touching are very effective.

Brigit shook her head and swallowed hard. “Okay.” She stood with Finn. “Let’s go.”
They stood to leave when the front door flew open. One of the Kings Guard scanned the room. His plate armor reflected the flickering light of the tavern. “Finn Lugh?”

"She stood with Finn", again is weaker than I'd like to think is effective. It's reiterating a fact, that they are standing, rather than, say, sitting at a table. SO can you exchange that line for something deeper? How about a description of her now? By detailing how her eyes harden or her chin tilts up, you could show an emotional change in her and describe it through Finn's POV, thereby speaking volumes more about how he sees his friend. Is he proud of her brave face? Is he startled by her sudden change of attitude? I'd just recommend showing it, whatever it is, rather than telling us. So for example, "Her eyes narrowed, hardened. Eyes that had already seen too much of war and didn't deserve to witness the coming atrocities Finn knew would come..." Of course, you can add details that would be stronger, I don't know your story, but something to that effect would bring us deeper into the POV, which would be a very good thing in this passage.

The room was silent as the patrons glanced around meeting eyes with Finn. He looked down at Brigit and back to the guard. His skin pricked, his palms sweaty. “I am Finn.”
“Fin Lugh, the blacksmith?” The guard walked towards Finn pushing aside others as he did.

"was silent as..." could probably stand to be changed to immediacy. How about "the sounds of mugs clinking against the bar died away. Eyes turned to Finn, the tavern suddenly silent as a INSERT AMUSING ANALOGY..."

“That is correct.” Finn cleared his throat. “What can I do for you?”
“King Nuada seeks an audience immediately. Come with me, please.”
Finn looked around the room. Every eye landed on him.
“She’s coming with me.” He pointed to Brigit.
“Okay, just..let’s go.” The guard rushed them out of the door into the abandoned street.
They walked a few paces behind the man, if you could call it walking. They were practically jogging up the street towards the Kings manor.
“What’s going on?” Brigit said.
this is one example of where I wouldn't recommend using said. If you abhor using the word "asked", then use an action: Brigit's hand tightened on his arm. "What's going on?"

Finn glanced down at her. He suspect Ciaran had something to do with this, but why would the King worry himself about that in a time like this?
“Your guess is as good as mine.” Finn said.
In the three years he has known Brigit, he hasn’t bothered to talk of his past.
They rounded the corner towards the manor where they were met with more members of the guard.
“Follow us,” the one in the front commanded.

Okay so for this I feel it's another missed opportunity to get into a deep POV. Finn glanced down at her. Damn Cairan, the loose-lipped fool... Something like that would give us way more information, emotion and perspective.
Okay, next bit actually switched tenses, don't know whether you intended that. I'd recommend again going for the deep POV: Three years he'd avoided telling Brigit about his past. No sense bringing it up, until he was sure...




Okay, in all, I had a few little comments, mostly about incorporating a little more internal thoughts in here. I felt the material itself was interesting and I wouldn't necessarily change a thing about the actual lines of dialogue if you're happy with them. I thought it was pretty strong. an few of the actions used to break up lines of dialogue were a bit too mundane to mention, if I'm being honest, but simply exchanging them for internal thoughts would strengthen this segment right up. I thought the placement of those weaker statements was right on, though. Just the statements themselves detracted because they weren't important enough to bear mentioning in my opinion.

I'd love to see you try to incorporate a few little sentences here or there of internal thought, just to really bring us into Finn's POV. And, an amusing analogy, while it's my favorite, might not work for you, i tend to love it because it does double duty, showing not only the character's feelings, but also what's important to him or his view of the world. There is a huge difference between... "The room fell silent as the west side brothel after that outbreak of plague"... AND "The room fell silent as the bishop's chapel during Sunday devotional..." Those two analogies give us a much different perspective of Finn, and I think that's the main thing this section is missing.


Hope it helps! Feel free to reply with anything I can clarify. Overall, a good section.
 

glutton

Inkling
Wondering if this segment has too many action tags or if it looks okay...


He patted her back. "I hope someday, my child can come to study at your center. I know it's mainly for people to study magic, but I'd like him or her to learn from you about morality, and fighting, too."

"A child's parents are the ones who should teach them morality. Though so far, I've been one of the worst mothers I ever met. Before you ask why, look—I'm here, aren't I? And in regards to fighting, gosh, I'll be an old woman then, won't I?"

Sean laughed. "You'll be about forty when my kid gets to the proper age. You think forty's that old?"

"Not really, at least not for normal people. But me, I don't know how bad things will get when my wounds catch up to me. I've been hurt enough to kill most people a hundred times over, so I don't know if I can look forward to living to a nice old age."

His lip quivered with pity. "Rose... You feel fine now, right?"

She was already wracked with tremendous chronic pain due to vital organs that had been horribly damaged time and time again. But she rarely admitted so to anyone, and only conceded, "I've got some aches and pains, but I'm fine at the moment."
"That's good to know. Maybe you'll stay fine."

"Maybe."

He touched her scarred face. "I hope you will. You're too good a person to die young."

Her eyes grew misty. "I don't want to die anytime soon either. But even if I did, at least I'd know I've lived enough for ten lifetimes. I'd just be really unhappy that my kids would have to grow up without a mom, even if I'm not that good of one. And I'm not sure Finn could go on without me. So no matter how hurt I get, I just have to live."

Sean's own eyes looked to be getting moist, but he forced a smile. "Stop being so gloomy, Rose. Let's get back to having fun talk."

Blinking away the tears, she said, "Yeah, I guess it's not very inspiring to talk about my body breaking down when I'm supposed to be the backbone of the army or something. Sorry about that. It's doing stuff like this that reminds me I'm just a weak woman sometimes. Anyway, how's Katie?"
 
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Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Okay, I would hope you didn't find anything terrible within, this is second draft and I'm pretty darn happy with it. But I put it up to use as an example of an interaction my beta readers have responded very positively to. SO here it goes...


The lightening sky becoming visible through the open hayloft window, Daniela wished for a longer night. “You should go,” she whispered into the knight’s bare chest, still sweaty from their passion. “It’s almost morning.”

“Actually, I should. I have to ride to Claudio Molin today and come back and talk to your father.”

Daniela’s heart skipped a beat. “I’m surprised you heard already.”

“Heard what?”

“About my engagement.”

“You’re engaged?”

Lorenzo’s nonchalance startled her. “Isn’t that why you’re speaking to Father?”

“I’m speaking to him on behalf of my father. A theft occurred in the village and my men spotted a man riding like the wind toward Signor Molin’s border only a few afternoons ago. A woman turned up dead.”

Daniela gasped. “Murdered?”

Above, I could certainly have trimmed some things if brevity was my goal, but I wanted to let the characters breathe a little. I hope it comes off as natural. where tags weren't necessary for pacing or reasoning, I left them out.

His voice grew solemn. “Robbed and drowned. She was a jeweler’s wife and her husband hired a band of mercenaries to track down the thief. I hope it can be a simple matter, but Signor Molin should be on guard and your father too. There’s no telling what a desperate man like that will do once cornered.”

That's about as many uninterrupted lines as I'd give to a character under normal circumstances. extraneous circumstances, like a public speech or something, would of course be very different, but typically, five lines tends to be my limit. If every line is broken up, it can grow tedious because it will feel like the character's are never allowed to finish a thought in one go.

Daniela barely heard any of it, disappointed he had not even been aware of her plight. “What about my engagement?”

“What about it?” He asked, pulling his shirt over his head. “Do you want me to stop seeing you?”

She watched him dress in a hurry, as if his business with Signor Molin was the most important thing in the world. “I thought you might step in, so I don’t have to marry him.”

“Why don’t you just tell your father you don’t want to marry him? Or, better yet, tell him. You’re within your rights to refuse if you want to. It’s a bit different for titled men and women, but you can… Wait. Who are you supposed to marry?”

“Rafe Venieri, have you heard of him?”

Lorenzo chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve heard of him. He’s chancellor of Kanassa. His mother’s a foreigner, isn’t she?”

I again, let Lorenzo talk for a bit there, because rapid back and forth didn't seem appropriate.

Daniela pulled on her nightdress and crossed her arms. “I wouldn’t know.”

Lorenzo shrugged. “The Venieris seem to be good people.”

“Yes, well be that as it may, Rafe appears to be their black sheep.”

Lorenzo laughed. “You’re being a bit hard on him, aren’t you Dani?”

She squinted her eyes, wondering what exactly he meant by that. “It sounds like you’d be just fine if I married the wretch.”

Lorenzo shrugged, buttoning his trousers. “It isn’t for me to say. His name is good and his family has money. You’d live better than you do here and Angelo can’t want to support you forever.”

She couldn’t stop her mouth falling open.

“He may not have land or title, but it would be a step up for you. You probably won’t receive a better offer.”

“But, you’re landed and have a title,” she cried. “Can’t you just tell Father you want to marry me?”

sometimes I use a lot of actions, and sometimes I let the characters just talk. It all depends what I feel like the main focus of the scene is and what the actions do to the characters.

Lorenzo smiled and brought his hand to her cheek. “I can’t and you well know it.” He gestured at Daniela, still lying in the hay, a nightgown barely concealing her. “This is all a bit of fun, nothing more. I can’t marry you, Dani, no matter how loyal your father is to the doge. He won’t offer a dowry big enough to interest my father and our families have no strong ties save a border. I’m afraid that isn’t enough.”

He spoke so matter-of-factly, it made Daniela sick. Didn’t he understand how hurtful his words were? “Isn’t enough? What about love? Doesn’t that factor into this at all?”

“Not really.” He stroked her hair in sympathy, which only fueled her growing anger.

“Is that it then?” she asked softly. “You won’t step in?”

“To what end? I already said I couldn’t marry you. What do you want me to do? Disobey my father and run away from my home? I stand to inherit a sizeable estate and have a duty to my people.”

“I see. So you plan to see me like this until I ask you to stop whether I’m married or not?”

“I haven’t thought about it.” He shook his head in annoyance. “Is there really anything more I need to say?”

“I suppose not.”

“I need to leave and meet Signor Molin. I’ll see you this evening.”

I tried to respect pacing throughout, but use a varied amount of tags and actions. It's impossible to be perfect, but by reading aloud, you can sometimes see where something is wither too wordy or too broken by tags and beats.

SO yeah, this example isn't perfect for showing the different ways you can break up dialogue and actions, but I hope it illustrates it somewhat. My crit partners have all responded favorably to this scene, feeling the information and emotion was balanced and that the pacing was pot on, not too long and not inappropriately short or wordy.

It's important in an emotional scene to get the pacing right. Nothing's worse than going too fast in a scene that;s supposed to have emotional impact. I think that's where trimming gets burdensome. You need to give the reader a moment for thoughts to develop and feelings to sink in. Sometimes it's easy to show someone's anguish on their face, and sometimes it's better to give an internal thought.
 
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Aosto

Sage
"A child's parents are the ones who should teach them morality. Though so far, I've been one of the worst mothers I ever met. Before you ask why, look–I'm here, aren't I? And in regards to fighting, gosh, I'll be an old woman then, won't I?"
Maybe try breaking this up a bit. Add a tag, or a beat. I don’t know who is talking at this point.

"Not really, at least not for normal people. But me, I don't know how bad things will get when my wounds catch up to me. I've been hurt enough to kill most people a hundred times over, so I don't know if I can look forward to living to a nice old age."
Same as above.


She was already wracked with tremendous chronic pain due to vital organs that had been horribly damaged time and time again.
This long, drawn out sentence lessens the pace. Consider revising.

He touched her scarred face. "I hope you will. You're too good a person to die young."
Scarred how? Can you show me, or describe it?

Her eyes grew misty. "I don't want to die anytime soon either. But even if I did, at least I'd know I've lived enough for ten lifetimes. I'd just be really unhappy that my kids would have to grow up without a mom, even if I'm not that good of one. And I'm not sure Finn could go on without me. So no matter how hurt I get, I just have to live."
I feel the emotion in her voice. I would maybe break this up and add another beat in there. Her blowing her nose, or wiping tears away.

Sean's own eyes looked to be getting moist, but he forced a smile. "Stop being so gloomy, Rose. Let's get back to having fun talk."
Moist bugs me. Also, who’s POV is this in? I don’t see any internal thought processes here.

===
It needs some work, but it’s a good start. Consider breaking up the dialog. As a personal pet peeve, I don’t like reading a paragraph of dialog. Also add in some POV, who are we supposed to be following here? What are the inner thoughts of some of the characters?
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Okay, here we go...

He patted her back. "I hope someday, my child can come to study at your center. I know it's mainly for people to study magic, but I'd like him or her to learn from you about morality, and fighting, too."

"A child's parents are the ones who should teach them morality. Though so far, I've been one of the worst mothers I ever met. Before you ask why, look—I'm here, aren't I? And in regards to fighting, gosh, I'll be an old woman then, won't I?"

Do both these paragraphs belong to the same person? If so, you need to delete the closing quote from the first, thereby signifying the continuation of the same character's speaking. If not, we need to know who is speaking the second time. I couldn't tell whether the "he' or the "she" was speaking the first time, though late in the second one we learn the "she" is speaking the second paragraph

Sean laughed. "You'll be about forty when my kid gets to the proper age. You think forty's that old?"

"Not really, at least not for normal people. But me, I don't know how bad things will get when my wounds catch up to me. I've been hurt enough to kill most people a hundred times over, so I don't know if I can look forward to living to a nice old age."

I think this was clear who was speaking. I felt the dialogue might be a tad belabored in the second line, but that might be personal taste. I don't think it's a problem, just maybe I'd trim it up a little.

His lip quivered with pity. "Rose... You feel fine now, right?"

"his lip quivered with pity" is sort of weak. First of all, I'm not sure that happens. Second, I'm not sure whose POV we're in, but if it's his, you should expound on his feeling of pity, getting int his head If it's hers, mybe try the same thing, but reacting to the look of pity. "Pity, so plain on his face, made it that much harder for her to stand tall and confident..."

She was already wracked with tremendous chronic pain due to vital organs that had been horribly damaged time and time again. But she rarely admitted so to anyone, and only conceded, "I've got some aches and pains, but I'm fine at the moment."
"That's good to know. Maybe you'll stay fine."

"Maybe."

The first sentence is belabored. Why not trim it to "pain haunted her every movement, a constant reminder she was on death's doorstep. Surviving ten thousand knife wounds was one thing, but it wasn't as easy as she made it out to be when she told people..."

He touched her scarred face. "I hope you will. You're too good a person to die young."

"he touched", is a bit like "she smelled cookies in the oven" or "He heard dogs baying in the distance". It's better to show the action and the effect. "His hand came up to caress the scarred skin of her left cheek. Warmth spread out under his fingers, a welcome gesture form an everlasting friend..." or something. Then we get not only what happened, but insight into the character's reaction. That's deep POV and it makes every character interaction better and more meaningful.

Her eyes grew misty. "I don't want to die anytime soon either. But even if I did, at least I'd know I've lived enough for ten lifetimes. I'd just be really unhappy that my kids would have to grow up without a mom, even if I'm not that good of one. And I'm not sure Finn could go on without me. So no matter how hurt I get, I just have to live."

Whose POV are we in now? She can't see her own eyes mist, so maybe write it so it feels like her feelings? "Tears threatened to well forth and embarrass her further" or something.

Sean's own eyes looked to be getting moist, but he forced a smile. "Stop being so gloomy, Rose. Let's get back to having fun talk."

Blinking away the tears, she said, "Yeah, I guess it's not very inspiring to talk about my body breaking down when I'm supposed to be the backbone of the army or something. Sorry about that. It's doing stuff like this that reminds me I'm just a weak woman sometimes. Anyway, how's Katie?"

"looked to be" is again akin to "smelled" or "Heard" I'd strengthen that up to make the scene deeper. Every time we use a narrator voice to say something, like for example, "telling' sensory things, we are reminding the reader they are reading a story. If we can instead suck them into our amazingly deep POV, they forget all narrators and just exist as the character for a short time. This is a place I'd try to make that connection. It's really powerful, these two characters talking about her eventual early demise. we should probably be saddened by it as well. By showing him blinking back tears, you'll have a greater impact. The reader will see he's trying to put on a brave face and not get emotional, and they'll feel the struggle.

My dog died almost six months ago. He was my best friend and i'd lived with him for almost twelve years. In my WIP, I had a character I wanted to kill, but I just KNEW I couldn't do the sad scene justice. This girl holds her best friend as he dies in her hands. Well, then my best friend died in my hands and I knew exactly how I would write the boy's death. SOmetimes, sad scenes need to be slowed, and sometimes the words said are not as powerful as the little physical cues received. I think the thing you would be best served by here, is to make all the physical cues in line and very poignant, and then use a little bit of internal thought to increase the reader's investment and the impact.

Hope that helps. I did not think the dialogue tags you used were at all distracting. I felt like some of the physical things could have been written with more impact, but otherwise, I think the scene had a point, the actions supported that point, and the message came through loud and clear.

Best wishes, I hope that helped.
 
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