Metaphorical Confusion

[A. E. Lowan]

One of the other writers here and I are doing a little work exchange, an I edit yours if you edit mine sort of thing. Anyway, he got tripped up by a line, so we decided to toss it out to the community to see what you guys thought about it.

So, does this make sense? What does it say to you?

Taking a moment, Winter rotated her wrist, watching for the tell-tale pulsing in the flow of blood that meant she was in real trouble. Of course, it had been so long that if an artery had been severed she would have never made it home... but she preferred to be cautious. Rivulets of blood rose and trailed lazily down to drip chrysanthemums into the clear water, but the ooze remained steady.

Thanks!

 

[Daichungak]

I take it to mean that the character is checking an injury for arterial blood flow, which she thinks is unlikely due to the amount of time elapsed between now and receiving the injury. Further, it tells me that the character has some knowledge relating to first aid or experience with similar injuries.

Also, great writing.

 

[Steerpike]

Tells me the same thing as Daichungak, and also that the blood is diffusing outward like little flowers when the drops hit the water.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

As a whole, I found the excerpt unclear as far as the imagery I built, however, I understood the intent by context and a few assumptions.

The "chrysanthemum into clear water" imagery was fine and understood. The rest seemed a bit convoluted, like a long, meandering way to say basic concepts.


If it were me, I'd want greater clarity but that's just my preference.

 

[Daichungak]

Double post.

 

[Daichungak]

I had my wife read it and she said it could be clearer. If someone was unfamiliar with the symptoms of arterial bleeding it could be confusing. Maybe an explanation of what pulsing blood flow would mean for Winter and why it was important to check for it would be helpful.

 

[Asterisk]

Yes, since I am completely unfamiliar with arterial bleeding, I got the jist of what the character was trying to do, but I did not understand the action. It's well written, but could be clearer and more straight forward. Best of luck!

 

[Shockley]

I absolutely love the chrysanthemum imagery, but I think that's the gem that needs to be kept. I'd go with something closer to:


[...] Winter [...] watch[ed] for the tell-tale puls[e] in the flow [...] that meant [...] trouble. [...] he preferred to be cautious. Rivulets of blood [...] trailed [...] down to drip chrysanthemums in[...] the [...] water [...]

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Thank you all so much for your input! We very much appreciate it.