Dealing with People

[Addison]

Hello everyone,

I believe this is a thread everyone can relate to. Everyone has someone in their life that they hate. Someone they don't want to deal with. Even if those people are related. Like Debra and Marie Barone. Now it's easy to deal with those people on screen, or stage or in a book. But it's never that easy in real life.

So my question is this; How does one deal with such people. For example, let's say you have moved out of your manipulative, controlling, lying duck of a father's house. You fought against his tricks and made sarcastic comments and stuff before you packed up, drove off without looking back. Now the jerk has sunk to e-mailing your mother to get to you. Finally he sends a short e-mail, just a "Hi, contact me" e-mail like nothing happened. How does someone deal with that?

In case it isn't obvious, this is a flash fiction piece of non-fiction. Seriously this guy is creeping me out and I'm tempted to drive down there and slam my baseball bat into his car.

Everyone has this kind of jerk in their life. So how do we deal with these jerks, as kindly as possible, but get the message across?

 

[Penpilot]

When I have people that I don't want in my life, I basically don't call back, or I always say I'm busy. From my perspective, open the door more than a tiny-tiny crack and they'll try to barge in. Now, in most of my personal experience, the people I want to sever ties to aren't as closely related as a father so there aren't too many indirect ways to get in touch with me.

I don't know your situation, but in general terms, there are relationships based on give-and-take and there are ones based on just take. If a person only takes from you, then they're kind of like thieves. So it's only common sense not to let a thief in. It's easier said than done because there are emotions involved, and because there's an emotional connection, one might feel an obligation of some sort. IMHO that type of obligation is like feeling thanks toward a thief because they didn't burn your house down after they stole everything in it.

I don't know why but this reminds me of a quote from Roger Ebert.

“I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try.”


My 2 cents.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Having come from a background that... let's just say provides fertile soil for the growth of characters with histories of rage and violence - I can offer some advice. You don't deal with this sort of person kindly. You don't get a message across. There is no message they will listen to, because they will take any and every reaction from you as encouragement. You get distance, both physical and emotional. You block his attempts to communicate with you, and if you have to change your e-mail and phone number then you do it, as often as it takes. If your mother feels a need to maintain contact with him, then I'm sorry, but she's an individual adult who is separate from you and can make her own choices.

You need to make yours.

This is extremely hard to do - I know, I've done it, I've walked this road - and it's a choice that needs to be made every day. But if you're this distressed and enraged, you need to choose between his desire to manipulate and control you, and your peace of mind (not to mention your arrest record). Why give him this power?

 

[The Blue Lotus]

Addison,
I've sent you an email with my advice and story because I'm not comfortable with airing my dirty laundry in public.
But my advice is almost exactly like A.E.'s Don't be rude, just tell these types of people that you are done, and walk away. It is the hardest thing you will ever do, but for your sanity it is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.
All the best of luck,
~BL~

 

[AnneL]

I agree with everyone else and add that it's really tough trying to do it alone (which obviously you know, or you wouldn't have posted). Have support. Talk to someone you trust or your minister/priest or a professionally licensed marriage and family therapist if $$ permit. And if you feel seriously threatened or in physical danger or constantly harrassed, make a log of incidents and don't be afraid to take out a restraining order if you need to with the log as evidence. (Necessary disclaimer -- I am an attorney, but this is not professional legal advice.)

 

[skip.knox]

I try to keep in mind that anyone I'm inclined to hate is probably not worthy of the emotion. There are things in the world that merit hatred, but I've never encountered an individual who ramped up to such an exalted level.

Beware of confusing anger with hatred. Anger can be cathartic. Hatred is a form of poison.