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The Kingmaker blog update

BWFoster78

Myth Weaver
A storm was creeping over the Kingdom of Yarmir, the Western most Kingdom in Vikinsa, crawling over the valleys and forests to the village of Shallowbridge. The storm cast a vast shadow with flashes of light, and the sky seemed to shatter with the bolts of the heavens. The villagers of Shallowbridge had already piled the sandbags ready for the yearly floods; the rain began to hammer the ground, slapping the dirt into mud. In the third house from the edge of the thatched village, a father opened the door and came inside, removing his hood and taking off his cloak. He was greeted by the delightful glee of his son, who threw down his wooden sword and jumped on his father’s back, laughing. The father grabbed his son and placed a kiss on his forehead, holding him with one arm and removing his sword belt with the other, placing it on the table. His son looked at him with an awe only a son could. His wife stood smiling by the fire, cooking the deer that had been caught earlier in the day; the smell filled the house as it mixed with the vegetables and spices. Her cooking always put a smile on his face.

There are some things about your opening paragraph that really, really concern me.

1. It's long. Very long. Short paragraphs speed pace, and I consider it a good idea for an unknown author to start fast in order to draw in the reader.

2. It starts with geography and weather. Neither one of these things is interesting. For an unknown author, I'd advise starting with a character in an interesting situation.

3. Lots of verbs that don't convey motion. "Was creeping?" Why start with the storm existed in a state of creeping insted of the "A storm crept?" Don't get me wrong; this format is sometimes needed. The use here, imo, isn't. Also, verbs like looked, had, seemed, stood, and began are all weak.

Look, congrats on finishing your novel. That's a huge, huge big deal. It takes a lot of effort to get something finished.

I've read a lot of self-published books. Some were quite enjoyable. Those, typically, were written at a quality level comparable to what I'd find with a traditionally published book.

Most, however, weren't anywhere close to being enjoyable. The main reason, imo, was that the writing quality just wasn't there.

I can't really judge totally based on a single paragraph, but what I read concerns me. Are you sure the novel is ready?

Thanks.

Brian
 
Hi Brian,

First off, thanks for your help on the subject. I can understand your concerns on what you've read and--more than anything-- it's made me realise how behind I am on updating my blog. That last update was edited by an editor on GoodReads, she sent me a copy of what she thought were some errors. Since then, I have gone over the first chapter myself and redone it. I can totally see what you mean, in its first draft state as you see it there, it's not great. But that piece of writing was originally written two years ago whilst traveling. Not a great time to be writing amongst the hangovers and backpacking.

Thank you for the concern, though! But don't worry too much. I wouldn't let that writing go out as part of the finished product (I really should either take it down or put some sort of warning on it.) Just reading it back shows how much it grates, I'm wincing at the thought.
 
Just an update on my end, it's been a while since I've posted here and I thought I'd visit the place again. I've been on the KDP forums lately and unable to get on this while at work. The book has done well and seems to be doing well, it managed to reach #18 in the kindle genre of Norse & Viking Mythology. I'm very pleased. Sold twenty copies last month, mainly in the UK. I'm currently working on the second in the series.

Feel free to drop in to my blog: The Kingmaker Saga

Even drop me a tweet.
 
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