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How can I improve my show don't tell

Hello!

I know a great tool of writing is show don’t tell. However, like a real tool, it isn’t always useful. Well. But I’m not the girl, who can’t use it effectively if it’s great for using.


I mean:


My style

Gary was angry. His face turned red, his fist clinched and hit the table. “What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad.”


Good show don’t tell

Gary’s face turned red. His teeth were clenched. He clinched his fist and hit the table. “What do you think?” His voice boomed. “You can’t do that, Dad!”


Any tip for me improving my show don’t tell.
 

goldhawk

Troubadour
Gary hit the table. “What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad.”

Simplicity is often the best. Give your readers opportunities to use their imaginations. Providing too much information can slow a story down and lose readers.
 
Chessie2 I know. I find, however, no sentences, which fits my pic in my mind always. I mean, if I describe a character, which looks like a famous person (e.g. Kurt Kobain), I can’t just write Jack had the short, blonde hairstyle of Kurt Kobain. He wore a red college jacket and black sneakers.
 

CupofJoe

Myth Weaver
If someone looking like Kurt Cobain is important then have someone else mention it...
Alice sipped her espresso as she looked him up and down.
"If you ever learn to play that guitar, you are a shoo-in for Kurt in a Nirvana tribute band. You'll have to lose the Preppy jacket though. Not Grunge enough."​
Most of the time I try not to mention what people look like unless it is how people react to them.
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
One thing that I like to keep in mind when describing something is that no matter how well I describe something, the words on the page will never exactly match what the reader sees in their mind. The images we create in our heads are always stronger than the words on the paper.

As such, I try not describe things.

Instead. I try to give the reader just enough information that they can create an image that is their own, but which still fits with what the story needs.

In that regard, your My Style version of the sentence about Gary is better than the other example.
Here's how I would do it:
Gary's face reddened, and he slammed his fist into the table. "What do you think?" he shouted. "You can't do that, Dad."

In this case, shouted is stronger than boomed.
When we read that someone is shouting, we know their voice grows louder and we can easily imagine that in a way that fits with the character we've already imagined.
The word boomed carries with it a lot of connotations about the type of sound the voice makes, and it may not be appropriate for the circumstances. You can still use the word if you want to emphasize the "boomingness" of the voice, but by just saying that the character shouted, you're shifting the work from the text to your reader's imagination.

Just keep writing. Over time you'll think less about the rules and more about the story.
This is good advice.
It doesn't hurt to ask questions, but keep in mind that it's through practice that we truly come to learn an understand.

In case you want to read further, have a look here: A Beginner's Guide to Writing Descriptions – Part 2
 
Showing, not telling, is of course an author staple. Most of the responses here don't seem like they're giving you direct methods you can work in to make your writing more showing, so I'll leave some tips.

1) Don't use the word was, and replace it with action
'Was' is the ultimate telling word: it directly informs the reader that someone 'was' doing something, rather than describing the action that the character is taking, or the emotion that the character is feeling.

Josh was horrified. He was shaking. There was no one else around him. He was entirely alone.

vs.

Josh froze. Every nerve in his body grew numb. His mouth felt dry, and he shivered. Quietly. Alone. Afraid.

The difference here is that in the second line, you are describing what Josh is doing, and allowing the reader to infer WHY he is doing it. You're painting a picture, and letting the reader look at it, rather than describing how you made it.

2) Eliminate the word had from your writing
'Had' is a word that takes the reader out of the 'present' and forces them to read a sentence as if it already happened.

Jane scowled needles into his eyes. Her lip curled down, and she nearly snarled. Her eyes narrowed, her nose flared. She had looked like this only once, since he'd known her.

vs.

Jane scowled needles into his eyes. Her lip curled down, and she nearly snarled. Her eyes narrowed. Her nose flared.
Josh knew that look. His mind flashed to the night she nearly stabbed him with a kitchen knife, the night he confessed his affair. Every nerve in his body grew numb...

The first sentence is fine until you get to the 'had'. It's jarring, it makes you stumble, and it reads funny. On it's own, it's not much of an issue, similar to one or two 'was', but enough of them and reading feels like you're driving down an unpaved road.

3) Alternate your 'flow' between paragraphs where you're describing an occurrence, and paragraphs where you're describing your characters response to that occurrence (i don't know how else to describe this). Your 'occurrence' should make no reference to your focal character. Your 'reaction' should detail their subjective, personal feelings about the occurrence:

Jane scowled needles. Her lip curled down, and she nearly snarled. Her eyes narrowed. Her nose flared. (Paragraph 1: Occurrence)
Josh knew that look. It terrified him. His mind flashed to the night she'd taken a kitchen knife into the bedroom. Every nerve in his body numbed. He nearly screamed. But he didn't. Instead he took a step toward her. (Paragraph 2: Focal Character's Reaction)
"You'd better watch it," he said. (Paragraph 3: Continuation of reaction)
Jane lost her glare. Her shoulders slouched, and she bent. Her spine melted, she she shrived up. Every trace of aggression vanished. (Paragraph 4: NEW Occurrence)
Josh smirked in his heart. Now she was afraid of him. (Paragraph 5: NEW Reaction)

That's enough to start, anyway. Any more and I'll have an entire book here. Hope this helps!
 

Firefly

Troubadour
One thing that can be helpful to keep in mind with the Show Don't Tell rule is that it can mean completely different things in different circumstances. Showing emotion is different from showing in description which is different from showing character, and advice for how to do one type of showing well doesn't always translate to another.

When you're describing things, you want to focus on being concrete and specific rather than vague and abstract, and on using verbs and nouns that create mental imagery. (Whether that be visual, auditory, or physical). "Smashed" is more concrete than "broke". "Vaulted" and "tumbled" are both more specific than "jumped".

Your example is tricky because it's trying to show an emotion, which can have completely different rules depending on what you're trying to do. If ALL you're trying to do is get across that he's angry, I might rewrite it to something like, "Gary's fist hit the table, his face red. 'What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad.'” Which is pretty much just a cleaner version of your original paragraph, minus the sentence stating outright that he's angry (which is redundant because hitting the table already shows that). But that may or not be effective depending on what you're trying to do. It communicates to the reader that this character is angry, yes, but it doesn't make them feel anger. For that, you have to more show why the character is angry.

Here are a few posts on this from KM Weiland, I found her really helpful when I was just learning to grasp this concept, and she goes into much more detail than I can in a forum post.
3 Tips for Improving Show, Don't Tell - Helping Writers Become Authors
3 Ways to Make Your Writing More Visual - Helping Writers Become Authors
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
I guess I would ask, if you know your style does not equate to 'good' show vs tell, and you want to use good show vs tell, then why are you still using it?

Maybe the idea of good show vs tell, is not really most important, and something about your style is better? I think I would need a bigger sample to make real comments about your own writing.

I know I could pop up a lot of rules and examples, but this is an art form, you have to have the right feel for it, and sometimes let your brushstrokes show. Does your writing speak to you as you write it, and does it tell you what is needed? I would listen to that.
 

Northern

Dreamer
Also consider writing in 1st person first then altering what you wrote into third person on the second draft.

1st to 3rd is not a direct conversion but it helps tighten up what your view point character sees and feels which naturally shifts your sentence structure more towards showing.
 
Showing vs. telling isn't really a 'tool': its a goal. It's something writers should strive to use in the correct circumstances. Practicing and mastering it will objectively improve your writing, and make it more engaging to read. I know writing is an art, and for the most part it's not something you usually apply 'objective' rules to, but I'm pretty convinced that this is the one thing that should be practiced.
 

Chessie2

Staff
Article Team
Chessie2 I know. I find, however, no sentences, which fits my pic in my mind always. I mean, if I describe a character, which looks like a famous person (e.g. Kurt Kobain), I can’t just write Jack had the short, blonde hairstyle of Kurt Kobain. He wore a red college jacket and black sneakers.
Use your imagination. You're a creator. Just let the words flow and allow your natural descriptions to take center stage. If you try and write the way everyone else says to then you'll drive yourself insane.

Using your example I would write it this way: Jack wore his platinum blond hair much like Kurt Cobain did, shaggy and parted to the side. A red college jacket and black sneakers housed his slim figure.

But that's just me. You have your own style and the way you describe people and settings and things will have a lot to do with what you're trying to do in a scene to begin with. It's all about mood, story development, and flow. Your descriptions should be rhythmic, immersive, and make a point of giving the reader of who/what you're trying to portray. They will come up with their own conclusions, yes, but take charge and let your voice shine.
 
My style

Gary was angry. His face turned red, his fist clinched and hit the table. “What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad.”

You've received some good suggestions in this thread.

I'd add one "trick." Be wary of repetition. Your first sentence here explains, summarizes, interprets the rest of it; so, it's unneeded. Sometimes this sort of thing appears in the opposite order:

His face turned red, his fist clinched and hit the table. “What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad," Gary shouted, angrily.

That, too, is repetition. The adverb is an interpretation of what precedes it. Showing and telling the same thing.

What is...telling? Often, telling is a more distant POV, an overview. Gary does something, and then another voice chimes in to explain or interpret the action from an overhead sort of POV.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. For instance, what if the narration is a tight third-person POV from the divorced father's perspective?

His face turned red, his fist clinched and hit the table. “What do you think? You can’t do that, Dad." Gary was angry. His normally happy, easygoing son now stared at him with a stranger's eyes—no, with his mother's eyes.

The father here is interpreting the behavior, and I think that's perfectly fine. So another trick is to consider the POV you are using. Telling necessarily implies a sort of storyteller voice: Who is telling me this? Staying true to the POV might help in navigating the divides between showing and telling.
 

Devor

Fiery Keeper of the Hat
Moderator
The first trick to master with descriptions is to focus on the verbs.

The lamp towered over even the room's high chairs and tossed its rays of light into all but the dark corners of the walls.


Anything feels more dramatic and compelling with the right verbs, and you'll find that over time, the rest of the description will naturally begin to flow in response to the cues you choose with your verbs. In this case, the lamp needs something to tower over, and the visual of tossing light like you would a ball puts the focus on the corners of where the ball might miss. Picking good verbs filled in the rest of the description for me.

Let's take a look at your example. You've got five verbs.

Gary’s face turned red. His teeth were clenched. He clinched his fist and hit the table. “What do you think?” His voice boomed. “You can’t do that, Dad!”

Let's consider some fresh verbs:

Gary's face flashed red.

His teeth clenched.

He dropped his fist down onto the table.

"What do you think?" his voice raged. "You can't do that."

Now, if you want an exercise, think about how in some of the above cases, the new verb suggests how the description might continue if you chose to build on them.
 

Gurkhal

Auror
As mentioned, keep writing and writing and you'll find you own style and what works.

If I would try to say something, perhaps that would be that too "show" us what's important in the story and "tell" us less relevant parts. For example if you have a scene where two main characters have an interaction that will impact the plot greatly, then show us how they interact. But if they're in a tavern and you want to tell us something which isn't really important to the plot but general setting up the scene, just tell us. Maybe that there are lots of young, fit and loud men in a tavern often frequented by soldiers from the garrison?
 
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