'Shades' - making them scary

[Lorna]

The scariest creatures in my book are 'shades.' They are composed of shadow and are the guardians of 'the well of fate.' Their role is to ensure that fates are doled out rightfully. When somebody is murdered the shades and their reaper (a human who serves them) collect the soul of the victim and make it part of the shadow until revenge is taken on the murderer. The souls of murderers are condemned to form a part of the shadow for eternity.

I'm having problems making them scary enough.

This is an excerpt from when my MC meets them (he's shut complete darkness in a cave in a mountain at the time)

'Fingers of shadow were permeating upward, things were rising, folding up, lifting themselves from the shaft of a deep well.

Eerie whispers echoed through the mountain, grew in shrieks to maddening screams. “Murderer” “kill him” “Lanbucca.” Jarad put his hands over his ears. It had no effect. Horrified, the voices are in my mind. The glooming flood shadowed through the floor bringing a chill that was less cold than void; a swallowing of life. Hearing the sweep of a scythe, the reaper and the shades, the voices belong to the souls of my victims. They’re here to make me a part of the shadow. Incapacitated by the fatal paralysis, he prepared to meet his end.

The engines of the platforms grew louder. Moon light flooded in as Gastric removed the granite. The shades were hideous shadows, lengths of dusky carpet stretching to ceiling height. Their eyes were blind abysses, mouths black holes. On top of their heads were antennae that twitched and turned like nocturnal worms. Their indomitable presence and essence of gloom seemed oddly familiar.'

Is there any way I can make them scarier?

After that I'm stuck on making their threatening move toward Gastric and Lenetta (who have shut Jarad in the mountain) frightening.


'The shrieking souls clamoured as the shades’ dark forms loomed.'

and

'The shades shifted forward, reaching with ghastly limbs and spindly fingers.'

Both these descriptions, particulalry the second are lame.

Can anybody think of anything better. Or point me in the direction of any other books that I might draw inspiration from. I'm not well read in the dark fantasy / horror genres.

 

[thetraveler]

IHMO, remove the antennae. They seemed creepy enough until you mentioned that. In film, monsters tend to lose their scariness when you show them, I imagine it would be the same for writing. The less of a solid idea of how they look they have, the more the reader will use their imagination to fill in the gaps with whatever is personally scary to them. Make sort of sense?

 

[JonSnow]

By describing their features (antennae, mouths, etc.) you give them tangible characteristics that lessen their "shade" value. Eyes can be described quickly (as black voids, fiery pits, etc.) without ruining them (not sure why, really). I'm actually struggling with this in my novel as well. My version of shades do have some physical form (so I guess they aren't really traditional shades), and they are lethal to any human they contact, with the exception of a small few who are immune (for reasons that I obviously explain in the book). It is a difficult line to walk. You want to give the reader an image, but being too descriptive ruins the mystery, which is half the "creepiness" of shadows, shades, dopplegangers, etc.

 

[Telcontar]

This is an excerpt from when my MC meets them (he's shut complete darkness in a cave in a mountain at the time)

'Fingers of shadow were permeating upward, things were rising, folding up, lifting themselves from the shaft of a deep well.

First thought: If he is shut in complete darkness how can he see a shadow?

That quibble aside, I think the real secret to creating something frightening is mystery. We should not get a complete description of what these shadows are, or what they want, until a good ways through the story. All we should know is that they are creepy and hostile.

Maybe lead with their voices in the cave (like I said, it is dark and he shouldn't be able to see them anyway). Just have them basically taunting him. Later on, in another encounter, he might see a dark shape from the corner of his eye or a shadowed hand grasping a window sill. Build on those encounters, revealing a tiny bit more about their form, but keeping their nature and intentions a secret.

As a rule, humans fear the unknown. Anything familiar becomes less frightening. Don't let us gain an understanding of these things if you want us to be afraid of them.

 

[Jess A]

Watch a frightening film. Then shut yourself in a cold, dark place alone for the night.

Then go and write.

 

[thetraveler]

Watch a frightening film. Then shut yourself in a cold, dark place alone for the night.

Then go and write.

This.

And again, the less you see, the more frightening it is.

 

[BeigePalladin]

as said above, mystery is good - we're more likely to fear something we don't know, and less likely to fear something we do - especially if its part of a characteristic most commonly found on something harmless/considered amusing. There are a few characteristics that can avert this general rule (eyes, voice) and thats to do with an inbuilt cultural significance to them.

another note on how to make things scary is to avoid describing them, but describe the other characters reactions to them - we sympathise and experiance things in novels through the characters, and as such we're likely to be influenced by their feelings whilst reading.

 

[Helleaven]

I think one of the most scariest things is hearing the voices while not seeing the source of it. In darkness, the tiniest sound echoes like an erupting volcano. You don't know what it is but you can hear it, it is there somewhere! Maybe just behind you, or maybe a few steps away, watching you with eager eyes. You don't know. You can't know. I find it very scary, I've lived in an old house for six years. My flat was in the top floor, the wind was strongest at that height. After the lights are gone, you could hear that the wind is howling, doors opening and closing by themselves because of the air turbulance, creepy sounds of an old house overwhelms you.

And if you can see their shapes... Just try to get into the psychology of the people. Which is more scary?

A- A giant monster with giant claws and fangs, roaring and eating people alive. You're its next victim.
B- You're alone at home, preparing to go to bed for a good sleep. It's middle of the night. You go to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Then you look into mirror, just to see that your reflection is smiling to you while you don't.

Psychological things can be very frightening I guess.

 

[Kit]

As a rule, humans fear the unknown. Anything familiar becomes less frightening. Don't let us gain an understanding of these things if you want us to be afraid of them.

Also- from their job descriptions, they actually sound like the good guys- you only need to be scared of them if you're a murderer. If you want readers to be scared of them, the shades need to have a reason (or we need to at least think they MIGHT) to threaten anyone.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I have a bit of a different take. I think the problem you're having rests more with the language you use to describe than how you describe with details. Also, the sentences, in my opinion, are too long to create proper tension. Where longer sentences are fine, the reading rhythm is too drawn out.

For Example:
Fingers of shadow were permeating upward, things were rising, folding up, lifting themselves from the shaft of a deep well.

Permeating is a long and awkward word here. I like what this sentence is getting at but cleaning it up a bit, shortening cadence, may increase tension.

Fingers of shadow rose, folding on themselves, lifting dark shapes from the deep shaft of the well. - Just a thought.

Also, changing some verbs from past to present may help with the immediacy you want the reader to feel. Instead of
"Eerie whispers echoed through the mountain, grew in shrieks to maddening screams."
Maybe try - Eerie whispers echoed through the mountain, growing from shrieks to maddening screams." - Just a simple change to the verb makes it feel more urgent in my opinion.

As a final point, think about the POV witnessing all of this creepy stuff. How do they experience it? Would a character think like this?
"The glooming flood shadowed through the floor bringing a chill that was less cold than void; a swallowing of life." - especially the swallowing of life part.... I would think anyone actually seeing live shadows would have a much more visceral reaction. Hell, I'd piss my damn pants! ... And that's what you want the reader to do.

Hope that helps Lorna.

 

[ShortHair]

As noted by others, the less you describe the creatures, the more of an impression you'll make on the reader. Another tactic is to focus on the reactions of the character(s). "He prepared to meet his end" signifies that he feels resigned to his fate, but that's not scary. "He tried to turn and run, but his feet seemed frozen to the ground" signifies that he's so afraid he can't move.

Wait, a character is named "Gastric"?

 

[Lorna]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Telecontar

First thought: If he is shut in complete darkness how can he see a shadow?

That quibble aside, I think the real secret to creating something frightening is mystery. We should not get a complete description of what these shadows are, or what they want, until a good ways through the story. All we should know is that they are creepy and hostile.

Good point about the darkness (!)
In general I agree with your point about the mystery but not in this case. Getting killed and made a part of the shadow is probably one of the most awful things that could happen in this world and Jarad has good reason to be scared of them because of what he's done. So he'd be more terrified of them than anything mysterious. That said, I think I can play up the tension of their arrival more- him not knowing they're shades.

Little Storm Cloud

Watch a frightening film. Then shut yourself in a cold, dark place alone for the night.

Then go and write.

Interesting take. Made we wonder whether it's common amongst writers to go and seek out the experiences their characters endure. Does it help?

Kit

Also- from their job descriptions, they actually sound like the good guys- you only need to be scared of them if you're a murderer. If you want readers to be scared of them, the shades need to have a reason (or we need to at least think they MIGHT) to threaten anyone.

You're right. Jarad's scared of them because of the crimes he's commited. Ultimately they're out to get his enemies and he gets off because he isn't fated to meet his death at their hands. He eventually allies with them, becoming their reaper. (Which in a way is worth than death...)

TA Smith thanks for the advice on sentence structure.

I would think anyone actually seeing live shadows would have a much more visceral reaction. Hell, I'd piss my damn pants! ... And that's what you want the reader to do.

I'll keep this in mind!

So in essence- more mystery, less description of the shades and more terror on Jarad's behalf. Thanks again.

 

[Penpilot]

I'm of a slightly different opinion here. The amount basic external description is fine. I don't find that it's the revelation of features and removal of some of the physical mystery that's working against you here. I think you need to focus a little more effort on the internal sensations that Jared feels when meeting the shades and bring them out to forefront more than the physical description because, to me, it's more important. Think about how this encounter with the shade digs into him personally. What horrific memories does it bring out and how does it bring out the horror of his own making, of his own life.

Also the descriptions are heavy on sound and sight. Try adding more of the other senses, smell, taste, and touch. Imagine when a shade touches Jared he tastes dust, smells rotting flesh, and his skin crawls. OR maybe the taste of a shade is sweet, the scent alluring, but its touch is like piercing hooks tugging at him. There's a lot you could play with here, contrasts, comparisons, a combination of both.

Focus on some concrete sensations to work along side some of your more abstract ones. For example this line "The glooming flood shadowed through the floor bringing a chill that was less cold than void; a swallowing of life." is a good line, but it's a bit abstract. If you anchor and build up to it with some sensations that are easy for the reader to grab on to it becomes more impactful. I wish I could specifically say what concrete sensations to add, but to get those I'd have to be in the right head space, your character's head space, which I don't think I could do.

Any way that's what I think is missing. Right or wrong.

 

[Jess A]

Lorna:

Interesting take. Made we wonder whether it's common amongst writers to go and seek out the experiences their characters endure. Does it help?

I'm willing to bet some writers do. I try to learn by doing as well as reading. For example, I don't know a lot about archery because I haven't shot a bow for over ten years. So I might quite literally find a place nearby that does it, spend a day or two there, then go and write my scene. Who knows, it may become a hobby. I immerse myself in my surroundings when I travel, too.

It seems extreme to people, but I absolutely do it for fun as well It works for me, anyway.

I'm not sure if I would shut myself in a dark cave. Maybe! It would be a thrill. If you're curious, go and give it a go. -chuckle-

 

[Kit]

Wait, a character is named "Gastric"?

Yeah, I did a double-take at that one too, but I thought it was just because I work in a medical field.

 

[Jess A]

Yeah, I did a double-take at that one too, but I thought it was just because I work in a medical field.

Same - but perhaps it's to do with the plot.

 

[Lorna]

Little Storm Cloud- I have considered Live Action Role Play as a way to getting a feel of fighting. And fire poi and staff is probably the closest I'd get to fire magic. Lancashire's a little lacking in mountains and caves. Maybe when I go to Scotland...

Pen Pilot, thanks for your comments. I asked the wrong question. Rather than thinking about making the shades scary I needed to show their impact on Jarad in terms of sensations, fears they evoke in him. Unfortunately I couldn't go to town on smells and tastes because shadow doesn't smell or taste of anything but I've tried to make his experience more visceral. I've also decided to demonstrate how damn scary they are by having them drain the life from Gastric and eat his soul. Afterward Jarad thinks he's next.

If anyone's interested this is how I rewrote the paragraphs I posted earlier:

'The mountain creaked. Beneath Jarad sensed stirring. “Murderer,” he heard a whisper. Heart jolting, turning wildly, he stared into the darkness. “Kill him” “Lanbucca.” Putting his hands over his ears had no effect. Horrified, the voices are in my mind. The whispers grew from shrieks to maddening screams calling plagues of burning people before his eyes.

Through the rock below Jarad sensed shapes lifting upward, from the shaft of a deep well. The darkness thickened. A rising chill, cold as a void, stole the strength from his legs and froze his sword arm. Incapacitated by the fatal paralysis he could not blank the screams or roiling images, drenched in guilt, from his mind. Hearing the sweep of a scythe, the reaper and the shades, the voices belong to the souls of my victims. They’re here to make me a part of the shadow.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I like the rewrite more... A lot more.

The start confused me though:

The mountain creaked. Beneath Jarad sensed stirring.

 

[Jess A]

Lorna: That sounds like fun. I have always wanted to join a LARP group, but I have never really had the time. I know there are at least a few around my city. I want to at least start fencing again; it has been a long time. What sort of LARPs can you join in your area? Most seem to be completely medieval which isn't quite the right time period for my book, but it serves its purpose in other ways.

On the passage: Better, but I agree with T Allen Smith - reword that first part so that it is active - less ambiguity.

"Jarad sensed a presence stirring beneath his feet." (someone else can provide a better example than me in my barely-woken state).

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

IHMO, remove the antennae. They seemed creepy enough until you mentioned that. In film, monsters tend to lose their scariness when you show them, I imagine it would be the same for writing. The less of a solid idea of how they look they have, the more the reader will use their imagination to fill in the gaps with whatever is personally scary to them. Make sort of sense?

Instead of antenna, why not use 'tendrils of darkness'?

"Creeping tendrils of darkness crept over his body. He cringed, though they had not touched him, he could still feel the abyssal cold darkness emanating from them."

Just a thought. Though all the other suggestions are excellent. I have little to add. :3