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My fantasy plot!

Lucipher

Acolyte
Earth and Eshkashia were connected by seven rifts (portals) beginning in 1971, when they were first discovered by Edward Furnish after his friend wandered mysteriously into thin air. It is unclear what caused them, but they can be identified by their large gravitational pull that can be monitored and detected around the world. The planet that lies beyond the portals is a world called Eshkashia.
On that planet there are two dominating forces, the Paladins and Priests, two religions that fight endlessly. Political relations were met friendly, neither desiring war or peace; the rifts sealed off. It wasn’t until the 2000’s that the people started rallying for peace and prosperity with the other government, and so they enacted a program of foreign exchange, where students exchange between the world and become ambassadors for it.
When Dorian Bronze and fellow classmate Ariadne Spungen are chosen to do it, they accept happily, and they are to be attending the prestigious Bronzon academy for Paladins. Even though the families are both frightened, he is allowed to go, as is Ariadne. On the day of their departure, they are met by Ternes Winlock, an Eshkashian who will be escorting them to their destination.
They meet the students who will be going to their school, who are in awe of Ariadne’s blonde hair, an apparently royalty in their world. Dr. Vale runs them through various diseases and gives them vaccines, and if they are to have but one symptom to report it to Ternes immediately. As they get ready to go through the rift, they’re alerted that something came up with and that they won’t be able to stay with Sicily, their would-be guardian for the time. They’d have to stay with someone named Andromache Crow, until Sicily is ready for them to stay with her in Augusta Taurinorum, the capital city of the Paladin Empire and the location of Bronzon. Once at the portal, Dorian says goodbye to his family, and him and Ariadne enter the portal with Ternes, a great clear patch of area that seemed to pull them to it. They appear on the other side, much in the same room that was on Earth. Immediately Dorian feels homesick. There is no going back.
Ternes explains that the rift they entered is very near Andromache’s town, in the Northern Petran district. They leave the building to find a snowy terrain, with a caravan the size of a house, pulled by four large Intrik which looked like giant horses. It turns out the caravan is much like a house, with a kitchen, bathroom, and a couple bedrooms. Once they take off, it’s just a short journey; Ternes knows how to drive the thing. They eventually come onto the city and are taken to a peak with a giant castle. Andromache Crow is there and she tells them it’s called Alterschrofen Hall.
One notable difference to the world is that they use crystals that can be used in everyday life. Such as ice crystals that cool drinks but never melt; and a water crystal that if cracked lets out an enormous amount of water. Andromache enlightens Dorian and Ariadne she owns a large crystal harvesting factory that collects pods of ice crystals – some of the finest in the land. The town, Kaj, was actually formed by the large ice crystal deposits. She says she’ll take them there tomorrow.
They have dinner where they meet Durand Crow, Andromache’s son, who will be going to stay with Sicily once Bronzon is about to start. They get along very well. Their eating Intrik meat with a strange green drink that sparkles, called Emerald Sapphirus. Once they go to bed, Ariadne and Dorian go out and watch the snow fall quietly onto the balcony. They notice that the fire has large embers in it, and Dorian uses the fire pick to take one of them out; it’s just like the water crystals but searing orange.
It begins to crack oddly and they drop it, where it bursts onto the ground. From the burning ashes and cinders a human starts to take form, and when completely formed, thanks them in a deep voice and evaporates into the air. Ariadne decides they should probably get some sleep, as that was extremely strange, and they’d just tell Andromache in the morning.
They get up for breakfast and explain it to her – she seems very reserved about the subject and decides they were dreaming. She takes them to her factory and they watch how people pick out the ice crystals in the ice and put them in buckets to be hauled to the clarification rooms to be judged. She mentions they’ve had many break-ins lately and have had to hire extra security. She shows them her most prized possession, a large crystal three times the size of the others, which she calls Aquasil – Andromache puts it into a cylindrical tube and hands it to Dorian, saying it’s her gift to them and to take very much care with it. Ariadne later tells Dorian that the break-ins most likely had been to steal the large crystal.

As the week progresses, they get to know Durand pretty well, and play a game called snatching with him on a frozen lake; they also meet Andromache’s husband, who they only see a couple times after that. They meet Sustertian, a foreign diplomat apparently, who gives them a book, and he says a token of Eshkashia, where the key will reveal itself when it’s time; the book is locked shut.
The week ends and Dorian, Durand, and Ariadne are sent to Augusta Taurinorum. The trip is long and their escort, Sotirios, shows them many sites along the way, such as the city Mingrastrasa and the Arbore temple – a giant spider god.
Once at Augusta Taurinorum they meet Sicily, who is a nice woman who has a giant house on the side of a hill. Looking down on the city it reminds Dorian of Rome, with many red ceilings and lots of gold. Sicily takes them on a trip through the city and shows them a few temples, and the high temple itself, where the grand paladin sits. Dorian finds someone who monitors humans who enter the world, and this is where a large plot of the book is revealed. About ten years ago Dorian’s father went on a mission to Eshkashia as a scientist and never returned; part of Dorian wants to find his father. Also, a deadly assassin by the name of Amity Sparks greets them in a bazaar while Sicily is off shopping. Amity says she knows they have Aquasil hidden somewhere and will find it – so they better watch out.
The next day Bronzon begins and they follow Sicily to the lavish academy to a large church room where clerestory windows bath the room in golden light. The headmaster of the academy, Bixquixil speaks, and is soon rudely interrupted when a man bursts in and says the Magisters have returned. Everyone rushes outside to find that three large scarlet ships are ascending toward the city – Sicily says they’re able to float using large pods of heavy floating crystals that carry the ships off the ground. Sicily rushes them all to the Great Library and to a room with a giant oculus. Already in the room are Bixquixil, some politicians in white robes, and Turin, the grand paladin. Floating in the middle of the room is an opened book.
Sicily says it’s called the Stega. She takes it and runs when Turin tells her to hide it. She hands Dorian a note before she does and tells him to return to the house. Soon a man bursts into the room and calls himself Talbadar, leader of the Magisters and that they’ve come for the Stega.
Dorian, Durand, and Ariadne are instructed to leave so they return to the house to find Ektoras waiting for them, and apparent friend of Sicily’s – he is there to watch over them. He says the Magisters are here to search for the Divine Chapters and return magic to the land. Ektoras says before the rifts opened Sommeil came upon the land and swept the magic away – he describes how Meglawisps used to glide above dead vegetation and bring it back to life – how dragons used to fly high above the clouds.
He says that he’s the courier in charge of finding the Divine Chapters before the Magisters do, for whoever possesses them all can return magic to the land. Dorian doesn’t know what to think until he reads the letter Sicily gave him, it says to trust Ektoras, and so that’s what he does. The next day they go to visit Berta Atreb at the Seven Chalices, a tavern that Sicily often went to. Berta Atreb is very friendly to them all.
The next day when they wake up, they can’t find Ariadne anywhere. She’d gone missing. They checked the Seven Chalices, and even Ektoras said he had no idea. Berta says that she was taken by the Falcon Marauders and sold to the Laguishan District to use in the upcoming Gladiator Games. She says with Ektoras’s permission they can come with her as she is moving the Seven Chalices to Laguisha for the great business she can get at the games. They do not get the permission of Ektoras, but they go anyway.
 

Lucipher

Acolyte
Once in Laguisha, a mossy terrain with many pine trees, they find it’s incredibly busy for the games. They set up the Seven Chalices and the tents. Berta goes to buy supplies and comes back to open up right away. She traveled with her husband, Sotirios. To make sure that Ariadne really is there, they check with the awards coordinator for the game, who confirms the top prize is a slave named Ariadne. They return to the Seven Chalices to find that Berta is talking with a good friend of hers, Amity Sparks. Once she eyes Dorian she seems as surprised as he is.
She leaves quickly, saying she doesn’t feel well, but doesn’t say anything to Dorian. To get Ariadne back Durand comes up with the plan that they need to recruit a team to win her back as the top prize. They find someone named Heroy Longfellow, and his team mates Vernor Troy and Traitus Max who will fight for them. However, Traitus says he will not fight for children and he leaves.
Dorian has an idea to save the team and get Ariadne back, but it’s pretty dangerous. He recruits the help of Amity Sparks, and her payment: the Aquasil crystal.

Cuts to Ariadne:
Ariadne is in a dark cell all alone until the put a large green troll named Dardanos next to her. She asks how he got caught, and he tells her that he was exploring too close to the city because the troll tripe thought they smelt something they hadn’t in a very long time — magic.

Cuts to Dorian:
Berta takes them to visit the terrace of the endless springs and there they meet someone named Aetos who gives Durand a very white bow called Cillavie. It has no arrows and Aetos disappears quickly so Durand can’t ask any questions. Berta doesn’t even ask but looks at it strangely.
On the first day of the games Dorian, Durand, and Berta are able to watch Heroy fight with Amity and Vernor while Sotirios is selling at the Seven Chalices stand near the Great Arena. They fight and beat another team, and Dorian swells with pride, for the first time feeling that he can get Ariadne back; Durand looks just as happy.
That night when Heroy comes to the Seven Chalices for dinner, Amity is not with them but Traitus is, but Amity is not. Heroy says that Traitus wants back on the team. Dorian goes to tell her and he finds her in his tent. She says that she will stay around just in case something happens to Traitus — this is the first time he feels sorry for her.
On the next day of the games where they fight fantastical beasts, Heroy fights a troll called Dardanos, and it becomes painfully aware to Dorian and the crowd that Traitus was trying to make them lose. After the battle Dorian goes to find Amity while Durand stays to watch the games. She is at the address that she gave him. She says that she’ll explain everything, they just have to go find Heroy, and she mentions that she knew this might happen.
They find Heroy and Vernor at the barracks next to the arena. Traitus is not there. She says that Traitus was in league with the mob group the Rapscales of Regio Elementi. She said that she had to quit because she is a leading assassin for the Rapscales and he threatened to tell. Amity had been exiled and she’d been trying to find Aquasil to earn her place back, but she realized that some things were more important.
Dorian says that Aquasil is at the Terrace of Endless Springs in the oculus room there, he put it in the water because he thought it would be safe. Traitus walks into the room from the bathroom and thanks Dorian. He runs away. Amity says it’s not worth chasing him because he’s too fast. She also says that he’ll go tell the Rapscale group and they’ll be after it very quickly, because it’s worth so much money. They tell Dorian to go alert the Pantheon members (the overseers of the games) and they will do something about it, but Amity would stay there to help Heroy and Vernor get Ariadne back in the next fighting rounds of the day.
Dorian goes to tell the Pantheon members and they rush to the Terrace of Endless Springs very quickly, knowing that the Rapscales cannot get Aquasil under any circumstances. They bring a brigade of guards. Once at the Terrace and the oculus room, they find that the Rapscale group is already there, and their leader, Moloch has a gun. He shoots Lady Tempest which sends the guards and mobsters into fighting. Dorian escapes just barely. He runs back to the Seven Chalices.
He gets stopped by a guard asking if he’s seen anything suspicious, and Dorian lies and says no. Amity and Heroy are waiting for him at the stand. He asks them if it was successful. They nod their heads. Dorian goes inside to find Ariadne pretty dirty and sitting down. They embrace each other.
Dorian had tricked everyone into thinking Aquasil was at the Terrace so most of the guards would leave and Heroy, Amity, and Vernor could break Ariadne out without getting swarmed. Vernor had been captured, and they say that he will be taken to a prison very far away; they may never see him again, but he fought for a right cause.
On a hunch, Dorian gets the real Aquasil crystal and walks outside with Durand and Ariadne — he blows on the crystal and it starts to crack and liquid pours out, taking a human form, who thanks them and dissipates into a puddle.

Do you like it?!? Anything I could change or plot holes?
 

srcroft

Minstrel
Be careful just posting tons of plot. No because of people, but if you intend to publish. Anything posted online is considered published and covered under the intelligent information act. If you then get picked up by a publisher and they find out or find the post you can lose the pay and get blacklisted. If you go to copyright.gov even when you send it around to get it edited or send to agents, you need to preregister your work. If it's just practice or for online--then no worries.
 

srcroft

Minstrel
Just a few things about your work:
Formatting would go a long way to making the read smoother. Also be careful there is a lot of tell and not much show.
Example:
Sicily says it’s called the Stega. She takes it and runs when Turin tells her to hide it. She hands Dorian a note before she does and tells him to return to the house.

Revision:
"It's called the Stega," says Sicily. Her hands wrap around the old book.
"Hide it!" Turin yells.
Before Sicily leaves, she reaches into her pocket. She pulls out a folded up note and passes it to Dorian.
Now, I need to find a place to hide this, she thinks.
 
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