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Help With a Paragraph

Ankari

Hero Breaker
Moderator
I need some opinions on the following paragraph of my short story.

Turning, Aulog gestured to the kasari. “Either they do not know we are here, or they don’t care. They're circling this village, apparently to kill all survivors. I had a mind to fight defensively from the village. Now, we need to focus their attention on us. We will march towards their main body, there,[SUP]1[/SUP] with the intention of collapsing those flanks on us.” Aulog paused to allow someone the opportunity to raise the obvious concern.[SUP]2[/SUP] When it didn’t come, he smiled to himself and continued. “You will be tempted to join your charges in the melee. I will allow only ranged attacks unless necessary. Any questions? Good.[SUP]3[/SUP] See to your Ragers.” He pulled a clock hanging from a chain attached to his belt. “We march in fifteen minutes. May the Shining Ones watch over us.”

1. I have Aulog talking with his lieutenants about an upcoming battle. He is telling them where to march their fores. I'm trying to have the dialogue show Aulog pointing to "their main body" without actually writing. Is this awkward?
2. Again, this is another attempt at showing the concern to the reader. Basically, Aulog is telling his lieutenants that they will be surrounded to save the village from a siege. Am I trusting the reader too much here?
3. Again, I'm showing the reader through dialogue that there were no questions. Is this clumsy?

I've seen this done in other novels. Share with me your thoughts about the three questions or anything else you may notice.

Thanks!
 

T.Allen.Smith

Staff
Moderator
I need some opinions on the following paragraph of my short story.

1. I have Aulog talking with his lieutenants about an upcoming battle. He is telling them where to march their fores. I'm trying to have the dialogue show Aulog pointing to "their main body" without actually writing. Is this awkward?
2. Again, this is another attempt at showing the concern to the reader. Basically, Aulog is telling his lieutenants that they will be surrounded to save the village from a siege. Am I trusting the reader too much here?
3. Again, I'm showing the reader through dialogue that there were no questions. Is this clumsy?

I've seen this done in other novels. Share with me your thoughts about the three questions or anything else you may notice.

Thanks!

Just a few comments:

1. Why not describe him pointing or motioning towards the main body? Why not have an officer or two look back to where Aulog is indicating the main body is? The only reason I see to avoid writing this is if Aulog is trying not to motion towards the main body for a reason. Does he not want the regular soldiers to see? Is he concerned about spies? If there's not reason, just write the action.

2. Nope, I got this point on this first read. Seems fine to me.

3. I recommend having the commander see the courage, resolution, and faith in his officer's eyes...just as expected. Describe what he sees. It could be powerful and add to his leadership traits for the reader.
 
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ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
Hmmm...

Turning, Aulog gestured to the kasari. “Either they do not know we are here, or they don’t care. They're circling this village, apparently to kill all survivors. I had a mind to fight defensively from the village. Now, we need to focus their attention on us. We will march towards their main body, there,1 with the intention of collapsing those flanks on us.”

Ok...you have a gesture at the start of the piece. Put the gesture after 'towards their main body'. (that sentence could probably stand to be reworked.)

Aulog paused to allow someone the opportunity to raise the obvious concern.2 When it didn’t come, he smiled to himself and continued. “You will be tempted to join your charges in the melee.

'smiled to himself'? yet he is in full view of his lieutenants.

'...tempted to join your charges...'

maybe '...tempted to join your troops...' because my first read 'charges' sounded like 'charging to the attack' which is what the earlier section indicated the strategy to be.

I will allow only ranged attacks unless necessary. Any questions? Good.3 See to your Ragers.” He pulled a clock hanging from a chain attached to his belt. “We march in fifteen minutes. May the Shining Ones watch over us.”

After 'any questions' have him scan the faces of his lieutenants rather than jumping straight to 'Good.'
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Turning, Aulog gestured to the kasari. “Either they do not know we are here, or they don’t care.

Why mix do not and don't?


They're circling this village, apparently to kill all survivors.

I'm not sure what this means, and that's probably because it's a small section out of context, but might it be clearer if it were rephrased: "They're surrounding the village to make sure no one escapes." OR They're encircling the village to ensure no survivors remain to SOMETHING..."

I had a mind to fight defensively from the village. Now, we need to focus their attention on us. We will march towards their main body, there,[SUP]1[/SUP] with the intention of collapsing those flanks on us.”

I'm not sure what the first sentence adds to this piece. It seems erroneous, unless you can connect it to something, which perhaps you already have, in the larger work. "I intended to assume a defensive position in the village, but the plan's changed, boys. We need to draw their attention, and I aim to do it, by marching toward their main body." He pointed to the place on the map. "That way, we can collapse their flanks, and EXPLANATION OF WHAT THAT WILL GAIN THEM"

Aulog paused to allow someone the opportunity to raise the obvious concern.[SUP]2[/SUP] When it didn’t come, he smiled to himself and continued.

I don't really have a problem with this statement, but I wonder what the obvious concern is, and so, would like a clue.

“You will be tempted to join your charges in the melee.

I'm really confused by this, but I am only witnessing a small scene, so perhaps that's the reason I don't know what this means. Charges are people in your care, and also a word for guns, but I don't know what you mean by it. The first time, I misread it and thought it said chargers.


I will allow only ranged attacks unless necessary.

This is belabored. Why not simply say, "Bows in hand until I give the order to draw steel." OR "Magic attacks only until they are close enough to SOMETHING..."

Any questions? Good.[SUP]3[/SUP] See to your Ragers.” He pulled a clock hanging from a chain attached to his belt. “We march in fifteen minutes. May the Shining Ones watch over us.”

If it's a pocket watch, say pocket watch. This sort of unnecessary detail is belabored as well. "He fingered the delicate chain of his timepiece, and said, "We march in..."


It's really hard to decipher a scene like this when we only get a small amount, and that may have been a big part of the confusion I experienced. I m the sort of reader who needs a run up. :) Anyways, I feel most strongly that some sentences were belabored, and therefore lessened my enjoyment, but overall, I don't think you missed the mark at all, assuming my confusion was because of not having read the scene leading up to this. Hope I was helpful to you in some way.

PS Sorry if some of this has been covered already, I meant to send this at 3AM, but fell asleep at my computer and woke up to find I hadn't posted it. BEST WISHES!
 

Sinitar

Minstrel
I hope you don't mind if I edit your text a little. You don't have to change something unless you think it helps :)

Turning, Aulog gestured to the kasari. Aulog turned towards the kasari( Gestured is quite a vague verb. It's better if you keep it simple by removing it. <Insert a description that shows why the enemy doesn't know Aulog is there or why they don't care “Either they do not know we are here, or they don’t care. They're circling this village, apparently to kill all survivors. I had a mind to fight defensively from the village. Now, This is one humongous piece of dialogue. I suggest removing the bolded part and describe how they circle the village.we need to focus their attention on us. We will march towards their main body, there,1 with the intention of collapsing those flanks on us.” Aulog paused to allow someone the opportunity to raise the obvious concern.2 When it didn’t come, he smiled to himself and continued. “You will be tempted to join your charges in the melee. I will allow only ranged attacks unless necessary. Any questions? Good.3 See to your Ragers.” He pulled a clock hanging from a chain attached to his belt. “We march in fifteen minutes. May the Shining Ones watch over us.”

1. I have Aulog talking with his lieutenants about an upcoming battle. He is telling them where to march their fores. I'm trying to have the dialogue show Aulog pointing to "their main body" without actually writing. Is this awkward?

It definitely looks clunky from a reader's point of view. If Aulog is a commanding officer with significant warfare tactics, he doesn't have to point, make witty comments and second guess himself. A remark or two concerning the enemy's positioning never hurts if you keep it short. And that's what you should do. Orders are supposed to be concise, and battlefield tactics even more so. Let him be curt. That's how leaders usually are.

The green parts show Aulog throwing assumptions rather than orders or possible solutions. It's good to know his intentions, but it's even better to read about how he deals with the matter at hand. For instance:

We will march towards their main body, there,1 with the intention of collapsing those flanks on us--> your version

"Those flanks are problematic," Aulog said as he pointed towards two clusters of troops. "Have the cavalry charge them while our archers break their formation." --> My example.

2. Again, this is another attempt at showing the concern to the reader. Basically, Aulog is telling his lieutenants that they will be surrounded to save the village from a siege. Am I trusting the reader too much here?

Most likely. It is unfair to judge a paragraph without a given context, but the 'obvious concern' can be a soldier pissing his pants before a battle, a retort from a veteran who takes pleasure in contradicting Aulog or something entirely different. It's not obvious at all. Besides, I'd very much like a reply that shows this obvious concern(Yes, it can be an alternative tactic to Aulog's that suggests cowardice. Concerns are always subtly inserted into a plea or a request.)

3. Again, I'm showing the reader through dialogue that there were no questions. Is this clumsy?

Not at all, though it varies from story to story. Depending on your voice, it can either fit or give you the wide eyes from your readers. Since I'm not familiar with your work, I can't say if it's yay or nay.
 
I think Aulog's dialogue may be a bit ...I guess "lax" for a military commander giving a briefing. I would try to make him more terse and firm in his way of speaking. Instead of "apparently to kill all survivors", try "likely to kill the survivors." Instead of "with the intention of collapsing their flanks on us", I would use "and collapse their flanks on us."

Generally, I don't think a military man would tell his men: "Our intentions is to do this." He would tell them: "We will do this."

Also: "When it didn't come" refers to the concern, but the emphasis is on the person expected to raise the concern. So, I would either change it to "When that didn't happen" or change the previous sentence to "Aulog paused to allow the obvious concern to be raised."

Regarding your bullet points:

1: This works, I think, assuming the "kasari" is some sort of map. Since we can't actually see what he's pointing at anyway, I think you can get away with this.

2: You might need to be more specific. If you tell the readers something is obvious when it isn't really obvious, they may feel that they have missed something.

3: This makes it sound as if Aulog is asking the question rethorically and immediately dismisses the possibility of an anwer. You'll want to throw in something there to let the readers no he didn't just cut someone off just as they were raising their hand.
 

mpkirby

Scribe
When I read the paragraph I had the vision of a business meeting. It is likely that while interesting to the participants, observers would find it tedious and boring.

Also, lieutenants that are trained in the art of war are going to understand the rational behind particular directions.

Finally, Is the goal to advance the plot? In which case presumably this isn't the only place where the idea of planning the defense of the town is being described. So what's the plot or characterization goal here. Why not:

Turning, Aulog gestured to the kasari. “Quickly, we need to focus their attention on us before they surround the village." Aulog paused and watched his men shift uneasily.

He thrust a dagger through the map. ”Here we will march, Here we will hold, Here we will die. What say you?” He stared, watching doubt flicker from face to face.

Finally a burly captain stepped forward, placed his hand on the dagger and shouted. "I say here is where they die." The captain nodded curtly at Aulog and made for his horse.

One by one the captains followed, swearing their oath to his. Finally Aulog stood alone. He ripped the dagger free and followed his men to battle.

Not my best work, but I was trying to show two things.

Aulog is asking something of them beyond just following him into battle. He wants them to follow him to death.

The men not only commit to battle, but to death.

I think this sets up several possible plot points.

1) You show Aulog as a fearless leader. Useful in future parts of the story.
2) Perhaps the captain that supports him first has some backstory or future story.
3) perhaps the battle doesn't go well, and his actions are considered reckless, setting up conflict.


I have a tendency to do what you did in the original paragraph. Show the detail with lots of why's attached. Sometimes we're better off not knowing why. Or inferring it from action. Mystery is part of good storytelling.

Mike
 
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