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Post Your Opening Paragraph

I lost where the last person posted their paragraph. Too much off-topic going on for my attention-deficit mind. Anywho:

The wind stirred, leaves rustled in the undergrowth, and the smell of charred wood and alcohol coursed through the air. Randall sat, undisturbed, wondering where the fire was coming from. Leaves hung suspended from imaginary ropes in the blackness, lit with flames. Widow maker rested at his side. He loosened the sword in its sheath, tightened his belt, and began creeping lightly in the direction of the petroleum odor. The leaves made no noise under his soft feet and light pace. He was an elf after all; experts in the art of subtlety. His woodland attire was covered in dirt and blood, from the light green tunic all the way down to his brown pants and ranger’s boots. He had spent much longer in this wretched forest than he had anticipated. He was a scout, albeit, a scout without a company of warriors to return to.
 
Inglorious Hero,

You create a nice atmosphere with the lines about smoke and leaves, and I'd definitely read a little farther to find out what's going on. My only worry is that, in trying to introduce this character so quickly, you tend too obviously towards telling instead of showing, most obviously with "He was an elf, after all." I'd recommend cloaking your telling in a veneer of showing--maybe have him mutter something in a strange language, then identify it as Elvish, or have his pointed ears prick up at a sudden sound?

Price wished she could fly. She also wished for super strength, and X-ray vision, and maybe some decent cleavage (a superpower few of her fictional inspirations were without), but flight would have made it ten times easier to patrol the streets for crime. It was largely to compensate for this lack that she had stacked cardboard boxes atop a dumpster, and had spent the past half-hour practicing how to land from a fall.
 

Xaysai

Inkling
Let's not let this thread die!

Feo, I really like your opening - especially the humor regarding cleavage.

The only thing that distracted me was:

but flight would have made it ten times easier to patrol the streets for crime

Unless this is the part of your "style" or how the character thinks, I think you can much better than "ten times easier". How on earth do you quantify how much easier to patrol streets is when flying is involved?

I awoke to find myself laying upon a table which I know I hadn’t passed out on. Strangely, I didn't seem to be as dead as I should have been. A thick, sterile “doctor” smell occupied the room, you now the one - gauze, bandages, antiseptic, ointments. Across the room, a blob sitting at a workbench came into focus: it's a man, I think. Yeah, definitely a man. Older - much older than me, white smock, white hair. OK I must be in a hospital or some kind of - "lab, Ark. Yes, you are in a lab,” the blob explained without looking up from his work, “my lab."
 

Graylorne

Archmage
A nice opening. Begins with some questions, too. I'd want to read on, at least to see what's it all about (you won't catch me with zombies, werewolves or vampires, though). But a bit of Planescape: Torment (the pc game), for that's what I had to think of.

----

Opening to the Prelude of Scarfar (not a prologue, because the story continues where the prelude ends. It's separate, because none of the people involved are relevant for the book. Both the weather and what happens are, though).

It had stopped snowing. After days, the white darkness had withdrawn behind the ridge and now Eidungruve shivered in the frosty blue of the polar night. The watchman on top of the tower leaned on his spear and gazed down at the settlement. It was near the end of his tour and the cold was gnawing at his brain. He swore a little, and started pacing again, six foot up, six foot down, the length of his little kingdom.
 
I agree with BL here. Looking back at the beginning post, a challenge is never really given or implied. This is actually very much akin to the This or That? thread in Chit Chat, so that's where I'm moving it.
However Reaver, it is a good motivator to get someone to finally put words to screen, or pen to paper if you will. :D
 
Oh I know the chit chat area is more approppriate for this thread than the challenges are for sure. Thanks for moving it.
I just meant that a thread like this might be what someone needs to put some words down. Good, bad, or otherwise. One can't write the next best seller if they have no words written! So any lurkers out there Give it a try! We'd love to hear from you. :Smile:
 

Sherman

Scribe
When I first caught sight of him, I knew he would be the one, even though he was a stranger here. He was but a lad with fiery red hair and bright eyes. He had the look of a lost kitten, but he had the makings of a finer helmsman then Jerrold, may he rest in peace. ----Inzl Kett.

Matthew Ketchings found himself gazing into an enormous eye with moss green lashes. The eye itself was the same shade of green as a stop light. It was so big it was like gazing into a window. He standing in some kind of basket suspended under a creaking wood deck before that eye.

From a novel I am currently writing.
 
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Xaysai

Inkling
When I first caught sight of him, I knew he would be the one, even though he was a stranger here. He was but a lad with fiery red hair and bright eyes. He had the look of a lost kitten, but he had the makings of a finer helmsman then Jerrold, may he rest in peace. ----Inzl Kett.

Matthew Ketchings found himself gazing into an enormous eye with moss green lashes. The eye itself was the same shade of green as a stop light. It was so big it was like gazing into a window. He standing in some kind of basket suspended under a creaking wood deck before that eye.

From a novel I am currently writing.

Decent opening, some of the language is choppy, but I would want to find out what the eye belonged to!

Baltz lifted the glass to his lips, but paused before drinking. He stared forward, maintaining eye contact with his reflection in the mirror behind the bar. He turned his head slightly, pointing his ear toward the door. It took a few moments, but screams finally came from the streets. He lifted the glass, toasted himself in the mirror and knocked back the last swallow. That’s when balls of fire began to land amidst village. They impacted close enough to the inn to shake the ground, but none struck it.
 

MadMadys

Troubadour
I'm totally cheating here by posting twice but I'm allowed if it's a different story, right?

Xaysai, I'd say this paragraph goes on too long and is very commonplace opening in stories (for further evidence of this, look to my first post in this thread with another character at a bar which I'm planing on changing a little). You go from a personal scene with this guy to balls of fire in the streets which should probably feature in a new paragraph. Another minor thing, you start three sentences in this paragraph with 'He' which is a little nitpick from me.

Now, this isn't a paragraph but I'll the first three lines from another story I'm tinkering with:

‘I really do hate the French.’ Croaked Henry.

‘Hey! My dad’s half French.’ Arthur said, taking his seat around the candlelit table.

‘Means I hate twenty-five per-cent of you.’ Henry chin jiggled as he chided Arthur.
 

Xaysai

Inkling
I'm totally cheating here by posting twice but I'm allowed if it's a different story, right?

Xaysai, I'd say this paragraph goes on too long and is very commonplace opening in stories (for further evidence of this, look to my first post in this thread with another character at a bar which I'm planing on changing a little). You go from a personal scene with this guy to balls of fire in the streets which should probably feature in a new paragraph. Another minor thing, you start three sentences in this paragraph with 'He' which is a little nitpick from me.

Now, this isn't a paragraph but I'll the first three lines from another story I'm tinkering with:

‘I really do hate the French.’ Croaked Henry.

‘Hey! My dad’s half French.’ Arthur said, taking his seat around the candlelit table.

‘Means I hate twenty-five per-cent of you.’ Henry chin jiggled as he chided Arthur.

Fine!

I'm going to rewrite it with Baltz at a blood orgy. There's no way anyone has cornered the market on opening scenes with blood orgies.
 

MadMadys

Troubadour
I'm going to rewrite it with Baltz at a blood orgy. There's no way anyone has cornered the market on opening scenes with blood orgies.

Also, and it is likely due to my silly brain, I read his name as 'Balz'. No need to change it just giving full disclosure!
 

Mari

Scribe
When I first caught sight of him, I knew he would be the one, even though he was a stranger here. He was but a lad with fiery red hair and bright eyes. He had the look of a lost kitten, but he had the makings of a finer helmsman then Jerrold, may he rest in peace. ----Inzl Kett.

Matthew Ketchings found himself gazing into an enormous eye with moss green lashes. The eye itself was the same shade of green as a stop light. It was so big it was like gazing into a window. He standing in some kind of basket suspended under a creaking wood deck before that eye.

Here are my thoughts:

In the first line of the first paragraph, I would replace the pronoun with a proper noun. Any name goes much further is showing us the world and something about the character than a pronoun.

I think you could tighten this up: He had the look of a lost kitten, but the makings of a finer helmsman then Jerrold, may he rest in peace.

Onto the second paragraph. I think that it might be good to have a transition between the two paragraphs.

Although the description is nicely done, it is somewhat backwards. I feel that you are describing the largest thing and working your way down is good. I think stop lights are red and not green. See what you think...


Matthew Ketchings found himself standing in a basket suspended under a creaking wood deck before an eye the size of a window. The eye was same shade of green as a traffic light, with moss green lashes the length of ... . The eye blinked.

That said, I think this is an interesting paragraph, and I would like to know what follows.
 
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