Because... !

[The Grey Sage]

I need feedback on a poem I wrote. Please be honest, leave nothing out.
This is definetly not the best poem I've ever written, but I wrote it to give to someone... so...
Dried Up

Our lives, our pride, our souls dry up
we watch our selves shrink away
we do nothing but sadly cry
wiping up the tears, but we only grow drier
the driest lie alone till death
the are tethered to the plain of sorrow
the knot of chains round their necks
is the same chain dragging us
pulling, slowly, pulling
down to where we dry up

 

[mythique890]

I'm not a poet, so I'm not really a good source. I thought the poem itself was fine; you'll have to find someone who knows better than me to comment on that. The content was a bit depressing, but I would guess that's what you're going for. It made me thirsty.

Do you mind saying what inspired the poem?

 

[The Blue Lotus]

OK two thoughts,
1) man is that depressing...
2) It is a bit childlike.

Don't get me wrong I am not a poet by any means just my first thoughts.

Keep working on it and I am sure it will be perfect for what you want it for

 

[Ghost]

Please be honest, leave nothing out.

That's just asking for trouble!

I also thought it depressing. Do you listen to a lot of rock music, The Grey Sage?

It seems very simple, especially with lines line "we do nothing but sadly cry" or "the plain of sorrow." I'm not sure if that is the effect you wanted. I wonder if it should focus on the drying up or the chains. From "the driest lie alone till death" onward, the poem feels like it has two separate strands.

Rather than reading about the plain of sorrow or the slowly pulling chain, I'd like to read about where the tears go, how their pride is affected, what's wrong with withering away, etc. Right now, the poem says: we're sad, dry, and being dragged down. It could be more dynamic, perhaps by focusing on one point more than the others, having detailed descriptions, or an interesting metaphor or two.

I didn't like how some of it flowed when I read it aloud, but it might be just me. I liked "grow drier," "lie alone," and "same chain." I didn't like "selves shrink away" or "but sadly cry." I'd try reading it aloud more to see where it can be improved. I'd use dry/driest less.

I look at these things as a lyricist rather than a poet, so some of it might not work as well for written poetry. Sorry if some of it isn't relevant. They were just quick impressions. I hope you get it to be what you need it to be!

 

[Xanados]

You want me to be honest? This is emo poetry. It's childish. The poem itself isn't that bad, but some lines could be revised.

 

[Johnny Cosmo]

@The Blue Lotus and Xanados: There's a lot of honesty, sure, but no real feedback. Pointless honesty, I'll call it, since the Grey Sage is looking for honest feedback.

A lot of great art and work is depressing, that's not exactly the problem. It's that it's not written elegantly, it's too obvious, and there is little progression. The sentiment was too simple to capture my imagination. It gave us one basic emotion, and came off childish because of it.

Poems need structure just as other written texts do. That's not to say that they should tell a story, but that they have to have a point. There needs to be a reason and some kind of realisation.

 

[The Grey Sage]

Thanks for the helpful feedback, and just so you know this is not by any means my best poem. In fact this was just a work in progress. If you want to check out any other stuff I've done I'm putting the link to my poetry blog in my signature.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

I won't claim to be an expert on poetry, but to add a (highly opinionated) "what-to-do-about-it" to Johnny Cosmo's critique (which I agree with):

What I like to see is a little surprise at the end of the poem. Something that's true to the mood or visual you were trying to express, but with a twist ending that's not quite what the reader expected.

Shel Silverstein is a great inspiration for me.

(If you're curious, I showcased a poem of mine.)