Blurb Thoughts

[Philip Overby]

I'm not just posting this for myself, but anyone that wants to share their blurbs and get some feedback. What works, what needs more work, etc. Keep in mind the audience that this is being aimed at as well. Would it attract readers of a specific sub-genre or no?

Here's mine for my first short story release "The Unicorn Eater."

Katzia of Clovenhoof is a famed half-elven monster hunter and obsessive sword collector investigating the disappearance of several unicorns. But when a trail of unicorn guts leads further into the recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods, she realizes they're dealing with something much nastier. Together with her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on the unicorn eater before it has slaughtered the last of the unicorns...well, the last in that area anyway. A darkly comic fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale shows that not all unicorns are as pretty as they seem. Some are in fact downright ugly.

Since this is for a short story, I didn't want too much info, but enough to get the idea of the MC, the basics of the plot, and the tone of the world and story. So any suggestions would be helpful. If it sounds mostly good like it is, cool. If it needs more details, cool. If it needs less details, cool. Since the audience would be fans of comic fantasy with an edge to it, would this appeal to them? I know I've gotten chuckles in the past from people of just the mention of the Splatter Elf name.

Of course if you offer some thoughts for my blurb, I'd be happy to comment on yours as well. And I hope others can sort of jump in and share ideas with each other also.

 

[BWFoster78]

a famed half-elven monster hunter and obsessive sword collector investigating the disappearance of several unicorns.

I think you may be trying to cram a bit too much information into one sentence. Does she only hunt famed half-elven monsters? Does it matter that she collects obsessive swords?

But when a trail of unicorn guts

The "but" makes no sense to me. Why not start with "when?"

she realizes they're dealing with something much nastier

"they" has no antecedent. Even minor grammar issues in your blurb will turn off readers.

last of the unicorns

Your paragraph is short, but you've managed to use the word "unicorn" four times. May want to rethink that.

A darkly comic fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale shows that not all unicorns are as pretty as they seem. Some are in fact downright ugly.

Make that five.

I read somewhere that it's a Bad Idea to refer to the story in the way that you did. Not sure of the validity of the comment or where I read it, though.

Hope this helps.

Brian

 

[Philip Overby]

Thanks for the feedback. I got some good feedback from another person and I think I'm going with her version of what she suggested.

I'm not sure what the confusion in the first part is though. I guess the adjectives seem like their modifying something else. I can cut words in that regard.

I'll also see if I can do something with using unicorns too many times.

I read somewhere that it's a Bad Idea to refer to the story in the way that you did. Not sure of the validity of the comment or where I read it, though.

I've seen conflicting advice on this kind of thing. I'll mull that over before I hit publish.

Cheers!

 

[Philip Overby]

Also here is the other version that was suggested for me. I like it better:

When Katzia of Clovenhoof, a monster hunter and sword collector, follows a trail of unicorn guts, it leads her into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods. With her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster has taken up residence and poached the unicorns in the area to near extinction. But Bathbrady is struggling with his own demons and it may cost both hunters their lives. A darkly comic fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale exposes the horrific truth that not all unicorns are as pretty as they seem. Some are in fact downright ugly.

 

[BWFoster78]

When Katzia of Clovenhoof, a monster hunter and sword collector, follows a trail of unicorn guts, it leads her into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods. With her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster has taken up residence and poached the unicorns in the area to near extinction.

This almost seems too clinical to me. Why, from an emotional standpoint, does she "hope" to "get a jump" on the monster?

It seems to me that the emotional context is what you really need to be conveying.

Okay, the following is turrible, but maybe it'll give you some ideas:

What's worse than (some personal tragedy that the character just suffered)? Stumbling across a steaming pile of unicorn guts. Just not something one is prepared to see, kickbutt monster hunter and sword collector or no. How could anyone, no matter how vile, kill and mutilate a creature of such innocence and beauty?

Katzia and her partner, Starseer Bathbrady, undertake to vanquish the horrible villain responsible for the death.

 

[Devor]

When a trail of unicorn guts leads famed monster hunter and obsessive sword collector Katzia of Clovenhoof into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods, she realizes that she is dealing with a creature much nastier than the ones she usually faces. With her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster threatens to slaughter the last of the region's unicorns. But Bathbrady struggles with his own demons, which may cost both hunters their lives. A darkly comic fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale reveals that some unicorns are in fact downright ugly beasts.

What about this? I combined lines from both versions above.

Items in bold I was unsure about.

 

[Trick]

Take this with a grain of salt since I'm low on experience with this but, had I never read your work, I don't think the below blurb would get me to now. But, I'm lucky enough to know how good you are and how enjoyable your stories are to read so, I'd advise trying to get at least one clearer line of your unique humor back into this one:

When Katzia of Clovenhoof, a monster hunter and sword collector, follows a trail of unicorn guts, it leads her into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods. With her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster has taken up residence and poached the unicorns in the area to near extinction. But Bathbrady is struggling with his own demons and it may cost both hunters their lives. A darkly comic fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale exposes the horrific truth that not all unicorns are as pretty as they seem. Some are in fact downright ugly.

It's too serious to reflect your writing, IMO only of course. Below I've edited it with sentence structure recommendations but I know I can't make it funny like you can.

The famed Katzia of Clovenhoof, monster hunter and, admittedly obsessive, sword-collector, follows a trail of unicorn guts into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods. With her partner, the Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster has taken up residence and poached the unicorns in the area to near extinction. But Bathbrady is struggling with his own demons and it may cost both hunters their lives.

A darkly comical fantasy set in the weirdly chaotic world of Splatter Elf, this tale exposes a horrific truth; not all unicorns are as pretty as they seem. In fact, some are downright ugly.

Again, opinion only. Hope it helps a bit.

 

[Philip Overby]

Cool, thanks for the extra help everyone! I still have some time before publishing, so any little tinkering will help.

@Trick: Thanks for letting me know this. I want my humor to shine through in the description, but I wondered how to do that without making it too wordy. So your insights help a lot. I'll definitely add some "Phil Spice" to make it pop a little more. I'll have to think about how to do this without rambling. I think I'm going to study some comic fantasy writers' blurbs and see how they do it.

@Devor: Adding something about the creature being a bigger challenge than normal is a good point.

@BW: I like your approach as well, so I'll have to consider that. From a character standpoint, I obviously want Katzia to be shocked by this, but also not surprised because the world is rather grim. So from an emotional standpoint, her investment is in mostly preventing more unicorns from dying and getting her reward. So if I can include that somehow, it might help.

 

[Philip Overby]

OK, I borrowed some ideas from Chuck Wendig and tried to spruce this up a bit more. I want some of the dark humor to shine through, as Trick suggested. May still need some more tinkering though.

h2>Darkly Comic Fantasy in the Weirdly Chaotic World of Splatter Elf</h2> (This part will be a HTML header)

Unicorns aren't always pretty. Sometimes they can be downright ugly.

For bounty hunter Katzia of Clovenhoof, dead monsters equal shiny new swords, an admittedly dangerous obsession. But when she follows a trail of unicorn guts into the eerie recesses of the Necrogardenia Woods, the corpses pile up quicker than expected. With her partner, the broken-down Starseer Bathbrady, she hopes to get a jump on whatever monster has been gobbling up unicorns and making a huge mess. Yet struggles with their demons, personal and otherwise, may end up having extremely bloody consequences. The kind of consequences that require a mop.

<b>This story is intended for mature audiences due to strong language, splattery violence, and general mayhem.</b> (This part will be bold)

 

[MineOwnKing]

"dead monsters equal shiny new swords"

If I was not familiar with Katzia, the above quote would not make much sense to me.


How about this instead?


The Woods of Necrogardenia offer challenge and reward to Katzia. Her bizarre obsession to collect shiny new swords, continually prods her onward in a dangerous vocation as an adventurous bounty hunter.

Fresh on the trail of a unicorn eating monster, Katzia must now call on the aid of her broken-down partner, Starseer Bathbrady, to catch the ravenous beast off guard and put an end to the ever increasing pile of mutilated unicorns.

The imperfect duo will need all their combined luck to overcome personal demons and unforeseen challenges in an attempt to avoid dire consequences.

 

[Philip Overby]

"dead monsters equal shiny new swords"

If I was not familiar with Katzia, the above quote would not make much sense to me.

I'll see if I can make it click a little more. Thanks for your suggestions! Because the story is supposed to be a dark comedy, I want some elements of that in the description if possible.