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Can I get some feedback on a short story?

Discussion in 'Research' started by whitehat47, Oct 4, 2018.

  1. whitehat47

    whitehat47 New Member

    Hey guys,
    I just discovered this community. It's amazing! I wish I had found it before.

    I'd like some feedback on something I have been working on.

    I created characters based on the chemical elements, where real properties are their abilities. With that, I created short stories for each one of them.
    I believe that it would help children to learn something about the periodic table. I am shaping these stories just like ancient Greek myths and MOBA games.

    This is the "Royal Order", one of the clans (noble gases).

    Royal Order

    Created by Helis, the Royal Order is composed exclusively of a lineage of neutral specters, impartial beings whose mission is to preserve the justice and order of the universe. Born with a complete valence aura – a feature desired by any elemental – they are considered noble and complete beings in their own essence. Self-completion united their bodies and minds, giving them an ethereal and spiritual aspect.
    The spectral bodies given by the complete aura of these beings allow them to ignore physical aggression and magic of any kind, making them a difficult target on the battlefield. They are responsible for interrupting conflicts between elementals, locking them up with their exclusively non-lethal abilities, including the ability to shoot dazzling flashes, immobilize fighters, and inhibit their abilities for long periods. Invariably, elementals on both fronts will be affected.
    Their antifreeze shields (melting points) are extremely powerful and, although possible, it is extraordinarily difficult to incapacitate a member of the Royal Order in this way.
    With an exclusively neutral tendency, these elementals stand for balance and justice, nothing more.

    And here is Hidrios' profile, story, and references:

    The Essence of Chaos

    Creator of the universe and all it contains, Hidrios is the true representation of chaos. Feared by most elementals due to its aggressive and inflammatory nature[1], he does not tolerate the presence of others and will attack anyone nearby without hesitation. For this reason, he is the only one of his kind that does not participate in any clan, no matter the version of reality.
    His only connection to the physical plane is the single orb that fills his valence aura, making him almost a spiritual being. If removed, Hidrios will attain the degree of the purest essence, something so fundamental and light that can no longer even be called an elemental.
    Hidrios becomes a valence annihilator[2].

    Diffusion[3]: Hidrios weakens the defenses of other elementals, penetrating the structure of their bodies and literally destroying them from the inside out. Especially knights(transition metals).
    Core fusion[4]: Just as he created the stars, this god of the cosmos is capable of destroying entire planets, releasing powerful waves of energy, merely by fusing his abundant essence.
    Spectral Invulnerability: Owner of a body almost immune to bodily harm and able to regenerate energy through his connection with stars, Hidrios is an elemental who is nearly impossible to defeat.

    The first light
    In the beginning, there was only the singularity[5].
    It did not have a shape, because dimensions we know did not yet exist outside of it. Its material was a mixture of oceans, galaxies, humans, grains of sand, and everything else that was yet to be created. One can also say that it always existed; after all, time itself was still resting in its interior. All the chaos and order, evil and goodness, light and darkness existed, so intertwined with each other that there was no distinction between them. Everything was one, in the most perfect balance that nature could conceive.
    Stimulated by some inexplicable impetus, the singularity burst. Spilling out what would form the fabric of existence and releasing the infinite dimensions within, it created space, so chaos and order separated and equilibrium was destroyed. Time began to flow like a river, and light and darkness drifted away, like all the pairs of opposites that might ever exist.
    Thus was born Hidrios, the chaotic god[6].
    The elemental constituted from the purest essence of the singularity was dispersed through space, occupying it all and claiming it as his new domain[7]. However, in a short time, Hidrios would realize that there was no one to take his place. The space created by his birth was nothing more than a cold and empty desert; there were no others. He was unique and alone in the darkness.
    Like a king without a kingdom, Hidrios wandered through the dark immensity that, propelled by an invisible fuel[8], relentlessly continued to unfold. Soon, frustration began to consume his mind. The disagreement between his chaotic nature and the peaceful setting the universe was becoming was too much; he desired chaos, and there was nothing to disarrange or disturb, only a void.
    Contrary to his nature, Hidrios decided to weave his own essence—the only substance available at that time—concentrating it on a single point. At first, matter refused to be organized in such a way, but the desire of the one who had created reality and all that it contains was sufficient to convince it otherwise.
    - Light! - he said.
    And light came.[9]
    His concentrated essence had created one of the most beautiful and powerful structures that would ever exist in the universe. The star started to drain his essence, burning like a furnace, radiating a colossal amount of light in all directions, and pushing darkness to the edges of existence.
    Proud of his creation, Hidrios conceived thousands and thousands more, creating entire galaxies to display his power throughout the cosmos. From chaos, light arose; thus, the god Hidrios conquered the universe.
    Meantime, incubating inside the nucleus of the stars, an equally powerful elemental was growing, feeding off the power of its host.
    Helis, the first noble, would soon be able to take her place in the universe and put an end to her brother's lonely supremacy.

    [1] Hydrogen gas (dihydrogen or molecular hydrogen), is highly flammable.

    [2] A proton

    [3] Hydrogen embrittlement is the process by which hydride-forming metals such as titanium, vanadium, zirconium, tantalum, and niobium become brittle and fracture due to the introduction and subsequent diffusion of hydrogen into the metal.

    [4] The Sun is a main-sequence star, and thus generates its energy by nuclear fusion of hydrogen into helium. In its core, the Sun fuses 620 million metric tons of hydrogen each second.

    [5] The initial singularity was a singularity of seemingly infinite density thought to have contained all of the mass and space-time of the Universe.

    [6] The majority of atoms produced by the Big Bang were hydrogen, along with helium and traces of lithium.

    [7] Today, approximately 73% of the mass of the visible universe is in the form of hydrogen.

    [8] Dark energy is an unknown form of energy which is hypothesized to permeate all of space, tending to accelerate the expansion of the universe

    [9] For at least a portion of its life, a star shines due to thermonuclear fusion of hydrogen into helium in its core, releasing energy that traverses the star's interior and then radiates into outer space


    I know its a long post. Sorry.

    If you are still reading this, please let me know what you think!
    Night Gardener likes this.
  2. Night Gardener

    Night Gardener Sage

    I think this is really ambitious idea and you're executing it well. It'll be an interesting read to have 'characters' interact with each other throughout the personification of the Periodic Table.

    What age demographic of children are you writing for? Will you be including personified and actual atomic illustrations? I could see this developing graphic novel or comic book style. While I understand what you're writing, depending on the age demographic you might need to tweak the vocabulary just a bit to adjust for your intended age group. It's by no means a deal-breaker or a suggestion to 'dumb it down' for kids, but it might be something to keep in mind as you progress with your narratives (if you have illustrations to explain the 'parts' of the element in the character, you can probably disregard the adjustment to vocabulary.)

    Keep writing! ( Watch out for the heavy metal crowds -and especially that Uranium guy- I've heard he's a bit unstable...)
  3. whitehat47

    whitehat47 New Member

    Thanks! I've been keeping this as a secret for so much time that is good to know that I'm on the right way.

    About the illustrations, my plan is to create a "catalog' of each one of them. Hidrios' page would be like this:

    Next page would be Helis, Lit and so on.

    About the vocabulary, this was originally written in Portuguese. I tried to write as simple and shorter as possible, but during translation, something might have changed. I will check that.

    So, their stories will blend. For example, Helis will continue Hidrios' story, following the same style. All 94 characters (from Hidrios to Plit) will tell a bigger story (from the beginning of the universe to the end), but it will be split into parts and told in 94 different perspectives. I never seen a book like this, that's why I'm insecure about it.

    By the way, since you mentioned Uran, here's him escaping from the Chernobyl institute:
    Night Gardener likes this.
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