character tone of voice

[Caged Maiden]

Hey scribes, I recently posted in Writing Resources but my thread has yet to be published, so I'd like to share this new bit of fun here. I was looking up tones of voice when I edited a scene where a character is drunk and speaking about a trauma he suffered in his youth. I wanted to understand what that might sound like?

So I found this: Words used to describe someone s voice - synonyms or related words for Words used to describe someone s voice - Macmillan Dictionary and Thesaurus

It's a nice little list of words that describes how voice sounds. Hope you find it useful!

 

[Caged Maiden]

I often find things like "said slowly", or other things like it crop up in first drafts. I can picture the scene, but conveying it correctly at certain dramatic times takes practice.

In the scene in question, this man is angry with his partner who dragged him into a dangerous situation and because of it, he feels "expendable". They have a brief chat and his anger ebbs. But he's still pretty drunk. This is the first time they talk about WHY they are both working toward the same goal and the first time the reader learns about his past. The event he recalls is a trauma he suffered in his youth and it's changed every way he reacts ever since. For those kinds of scenes, to create the proper weight, you need better words.

A lot of my characters put up barriers. This is a scene where his crumble down and for the first time, you see how emotionally affected this man was by his decision. He's ashamed, suffering "survivor's guilt", and recalling things he's seen that can never be un-seen.

I wanted his voice to show how hard it is for him to talk about, especially being drunk.

Here's the scene, in case you're curious. I'd welcome any other comments on tone of voice and how to get more weight into this scene. If you want to, please share a dramatic scene of your own and show us how YOU create tension with tone of voice. The more we can learn from each other, the more we all win.

She tried to rein in her tone, for the sake of Thorne’s depleted patience. “He used to be a good man, caring and devout, but the war changed him. His Holiness, before he died, hired mercenaries to fight for the nobles in the principalities, those most loyal to the church. He chose Lazaro to oversee the church’s interests. I don’t think he even wanted to.”

Yvette stretched her legs out to get more comfortable. “When the war spread south, something changed in him. I don’t know whether he got drunk on the power given him or whether he really believed he was fighting some sort of holy crusade against the divine-worshipping peasants, but something broke in his mind. When I learned he planned to incite civil war in the countryside of Kanassa, I left his employ and he ordered my death.”

Thorne pulled out his matches and lit another cigarette. He took a long drag. “So now you’re out for revenge?” When she didn’t answer, he clamped his lips on the cigarette, eyes squinted as smoke surrounded his face. “Revenge, I understand. All too well.” After unbuttoning his cuffs, he rolled up his sleeves. The cigarette returned to his left hand and Thorne turned his right wrist up in the moonlight to expose a vicious scar. “Noble blood flows in these veins.” His fingers caressed a six-inch track running up his arm. “I got this when I was thirteen. My father was what you call a free lord of Dirscham, a peaceful duchy on the southern side of Grunwald.”

Yvette didn’t recognize the name, but decided not to ask. She wasn’t familiar with the principalities’ regions.

“My father was dragged from his house and tortured before being burned as a heretic. The church seized our land and my mother and sisters fled to a nearby chapel where they joined as lucindae. Laich and I went to live with my uncle in Wesen. A year later, mercenaries from the north, paid for with church money, headed south. They rode through Wesen, pillaging and razed the chapels, killing the priests.” His voice lowered. Normally husky and enriched by his accent, it came across as croaky, pained. “Priestesses, they raped. Right in the street sometimes. I don’t know what was worse, men’s blood or women’s screams. Brutality delivered to frightened people, wherever you looked. Women who survived their torture were rounded up and taken. Driven like cattle, their clothes hanging in rags. The rest died, defiled and thrown into a pit.”

His head hung, shaking. “So many bodies. Peasants, farmers, elders and children. It didn’t matter to the soldiers. Across the countryside, converts lost two fingers as punishment for their former faith. They took young men though. Gave them a chance to leave all the death behind.”

He went on, quieter. “Laich and I signed on with a band, drawing swords in Rada’s name against our countrymen. And for what?” He held his hand up, the burning cigarette between his fingers. After taking another long drag, he flicked the end away. “So I could do that?”

Painfully aware of the guilt that festered within survivors of the world’s atrocities, Yvette said, “You aren’t to blame for wanting to remain whole. You had every right to do what you needed to survive.” She fidgeted in the darkness. “Vincenzo was the one Lazaro ordered to kill me. We ran together, escaping and parting ways. It wasn’t until two years ago, that we met again. Vincenzo got caught leaning on a senator for Massoli. Bastiano de Gradi nearly killed him. The street brawl lasted only a few minutes, but in the end, Vincenzo struck Bastiano in the face and Bastiano pierced Vincenzo’s left shoulder. The fight ended with both men bleeding.”

Yvette pulled a blade of grass and folded it like a concertina. “When I heard about Vincenzo, I brought him to the brothel and nursed him back to health. He told me about the corruption in the senate, that Marcello was exerting influence to tie the nobles’ hands. He wanted to limit their power and used bribery to obtain allies.”

“How did this turn into your fight?”

“When Marcello found out Vincenzo and I were still alive, he killed my son.”

“The grave you visit?”

Yvette’s head snapped up.

“I followed you once.” Thorne lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry for your loss.” He shifted his weight, leaning againt the tree. “Why are we wasting time chasing shadows? Saving the marquis might have been the noble thing to do, but it doesn’t get us any closer to bringing Marcello to justice.”

 

[Svrtnsse]

Below is an excerpt from my current WIP. There are three people involved: Rolf, his daughter Linnea and Enar, the PoV/MC.
The exact reasoning for the reactions of the characters is probably not be entirely clear without context, but I believe the emotions should come across pretty well (and that's the point for this thread isn't it).

It turns out that my style for writing conversations is quite choreographed. I put in a lot of character movements to try and show emotions and to split sentences up with actions, even small ones. My characters very rarely say very much in one go. I think if I'd written the conversation CM posted above, it'd probably have been three or four times as long. I'm not saying it's better (it's probably worse), but it's how I do things - at least for the moment.

---

“Oh, I think I get it now.” Enar brightened. “It's not something I did. Gitta doesn't like me because I'm from the city and don't live like anfylk were originally meant to.”

“Yep, that's about it,” Linnea butted in. “Anyone who's not from here is a heretic and you should totally be severed from the Afternoon just for living in the city.”

“Linnea! That's enough!” Rolf slammed his fist on the table so hard it shook and stared at his daughter with wide eyes. “That's a horrible thing to say to anyone. It's not something to joke about. One more outburst like that and it'll be at the tannery for a week for you.”

Linnea shied back and cast down her eyes. “I'm sorry dad. I'll be silent now.”

“You'd better be, daughter mine. Now apologize to Enar.”

“What, I...” The girl stammered something and looked at her father.

Rolf crossed his arms over his chest and stared back. “Go on.”

Linnea swallowed, rubbed a hand against her arm and turned to Enar. “I'm sorry. I did not mean to imply you should be severed from the Afternoon. Please accept my apology. I meant no offense.”

Enar squirmed in his chair. He shot Rolf a glance and got a nod in return. Linnea still looked at him, hugging herself and hunching her shoulders, waiting for his reply.

“I accept your apology. I took no offense.” He smiled at the girl, trying to put on his friendly and reassuring face.

“Thank you,” she said and turned away.

“There, there, that wasn't so hard now my dear was it.” said Rolf.

Linnea shrugged, but didn't say anything.

 

[skip.knox]

@CagedMaiden: I couldn't tell anyone was drunk. I associate a couple of things with drunken speech. Slurred words would be one. Fragmented thoughts, incomplete thoughts, would be another. Belligerence would be a third. I didn't see any evidence of any of that. Both speakers seemed fluent and clear. No hesitations in their speech patterns, and no reluctance, either. I didn't see a breakthrough, nor any real tension. Despicable acts were described, but the descriptions are buried in a long paragraph. You do show a character reaction, but that's buried in the paragraph as well.

You might consider two things. One, break up the long paragraphs. Make more exchanges, even if it's just the other person saying "Gods!" or "Go on" or whatever. He's got a drink, you can break up his speech with a gulp or two, another drag on the cigarette (what great props!), shifting uncomfortably, and so on.

Two, you might think about going for the vivid detail. He's not just describing general pillage, he's remembering something that happened to him. Rather than women in general being violated, have him recall one. Or a man getting his fingers cut off. Just disconnected images, rather than an explanation of socio-political context. The reader doesn't really care about who was allied with whom at this point, we just want to feel empathy for the poor sap who's too drunk to suppress his nightmares tonight.

That's the view from the left field bleachers, anyway.

 

[Caged Maiden]

Thanks Skip. I might bring the details a little closer to home. I like the idea of recalling one abused person rather than a multitude. The problem with this scene is that it falls in chapter 29 so you aren't receiving the benefit of having read up to this point. the main goal of this scene (because this book builds scene by scene, and this scene will be expounded upon in another couple chapters) is to introduce this character's background to Yvette. Up until this point, she doesn't know why he joined her in her personal battle. All she knows is he's in support of her goal, but not why. In their next scene, it builds and in chapter 34, they have a really honest chat about how he feels because of the things he's witnessed.

I think making it say, his sister's rape and death he witnesses is a bit much, but basically, because of the scenes he recalls in his youth, he's never married, has no desire to leave a wife a widow, and refuses to get close to anyone but his brother.

Now I know that's hard to do all in one scene, so that's why this is the first installment of three, which progressively build on his level of trauma. If you have a sort of clear way I can get that across more clear, I'm all ears. I'm really watching word count is the thing because this novel is about 130k words and I can't cut it down any more.

And DANG! it's hard to make a person drunk but still coherent enough to have a deep-ish conversation.

 

[Svrtnsse]

The problem with this scene is that it falls in chapter 29 so you aren't receiving the benefit of having read up to this point.

This is an issue.
When reading this in the context of everything else it sort of just flows together and mixes up with the rest of the story, but when picking just this section without the context it becomes an entirely different scene.

I noticed this when I posted a scene from late in my WIP not long ago. I got some good feedback on it, but I very much got the feeling that the people who read it were missing out on things that would have been picked up on by someone who'd read the entire story (and the other way around).

 

[Terry Greer]

the main goal of this scene (because this book builds scene by scene, and this scene will be expounded upon in another couple chapters) is to introduce this character's background to Yvette. Up until this point, she doesn't know why he joined her in her personal battle. All she knows is he's in support of her goal, but not why. In their next scene, it builds and in chapter 34, they have a really honest chat about how he feels because of the things he's witnessed.

I agree with skip - its hard to see that he's drunk.
Also - does he need to explain in detail quite so much? It does feel a bit long and overly exposition laden.

I'm reminded of Roy Batty/(Rutgar Hauer)'s speech at the end of blade runner when he says:

I've... seen things you people wouldn't believe... [contemptuous laugh] Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those... moments... will be lost in time, like [small cough] tears... in... rain. Time... to die...

Apparently the original was longer and more descriptive:

I've known adventures, seen places you people will never see, I've been Offworld and back... frontiers! I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps with sweat in my eyes watching the stars fight on the shoulder of Orion...I've felt wind in my hair, riding test boats off the black galaxies and seen an attack fleet burn like a match and disappear. I've seen it, felt it...!

Rutgar Hauer cut it down the night before filming as he thought it too filled with tech speech. I think he was right - keeping it short works best - and you don't need to expalain everything.

But as others have said - its always difficult if you separate something out of its proper context.

 

[Caged Maiden]

it's tough. One thing that makes this particular scene hard is that it isn't one event he's recalling in great detail. The thing that's most traumatized him is that his whole world turned upside down when the army invaded. His family was destroyed, he witnessed men sexually abusing women for amusement (and it's the reason he has no desire to get close to women) and he and his brother JOINED the people doing this stuff, to get free of it all.

That's the worst for him, that he didn't just die there with his countrymen and fall defending his town. No, he left. Survived. He has a bit of survivor's remorse. Now, he is alone, with no one but his brother and a trio of outlaws. The old lady treats him like an expendable tool and the two men, her allies, don't trust him at all. No one tells him anything and he's willing to help them to defeat the antag, but he's feeling like he's being played. Used until they're done with him and then they'll discard him. So their conversation is a result of their last scene, where the old woman lured him into a trap, essentially, because she didn't tell him ahead of time what her plans were. When they were surrounded and in the thick of someone else's trap, he told her he didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. he was out of her group.

She went to go fetch him, knowing if he went rogue, her partners would kill him. Her goal in opening up to him was to tell him her reasoning behind her motivation, the reason she is fighting. He offers his own reason up (maybe because he's been drinking). It's the first time they've ever been honest with each other. I couldn't go into so much detail I opened the flood gates though. That would have come across as unlikely. I tried to cover the basics of their respective histories with the antag (who works for the church, BTW, which was why talk of the church and military were important).

Yeah, so it's always a difficult balance, trying to figure out which information most strongly conveys something. I'm going to have to look at his speech and see whether I can make him sound drunk though.

I had this same problem a while ago when writing a plow boy, too. I couldn't dumb his dialogue down on my own and you guys helped me so much!

What kind of speech patterns could you recommend. Feel free to cut into my post above. I'm totally interested in knowing what you would do. I'm just not strong at altering my own normal speech patterns. Definitely one of my weaknesses. Oh man, it's late now. I probably sound like I'm drunk. Maybe I should just retype the conversation now. hehe.

 

[skip.knox]

Does he have to be drunk at all?

You have him coming off an emotional episode--ambushed, nearly killed, as the result of too little information from a partner. So he could come in angry--how could you do this to me?--and she comes back with some personal info that catches him off guard and he finds himself telling more than he meant to. But you'd have to cast her as trying for the information, either being aggressive or being clever, to pry it out. Remember, he's emotionally exhausted.

Sticking with the drunk angle, it doesn't need to be communicated in speech so much. Rather, think in terms of emotions. When I think drunk I think of three kinds: morose, comic, or belligerent. You probably don't want comic, but either of the other two could work. Either way, go for the tone rather than looking for a particular speech pattern to convey drunkenness. The point isn't being drunk, the point is the emotional vulnerability, right?

Beyond that, I'd still recommend breaking up the speeches. Make it more of an exchange, with shorter sentences, maybe a few trailing off or with a few interruptions here and there. And, finally, I again suggest focusing on a detail, some single image, one event, which breaks the ice. Some idle conversation, some verbal fencing until she gets him to recall that one incident. Ooh, a thought: something happened in the ambush that recalled the early life trauma. Don't go for rape or anything obvious, just some detail that in effect does an emotional ambush on your MC. Maybe someone in the battle loses two fingers, something like that. Then this, because of the emotional ambush plus the drink, opens out into the fuller detail.

As for the drink, just have him drink from time to time. That, plus a comment like "I don't know why I'm telling you this, maybe I'm drunk" (that's clumsy, but you see what I mean) will let the reader know the role drink has to play in the scene.

Gosh it's sure easy to tell others how to write! *grimace*