Cheesy Speeches and Reactions

[Alex97]

Started writing my new draft the other day. The first chapter begins with a beach landing where the protagonist addresses his men before the battle. To be honest I'm thinking of cutting the speech all together since my character is respected more for his leadership and actions on the battlefield than long speeches. However I might be writing a battle speech for other characters and I was struck with a problem.

The more obviously tackled problem was the speech itself. It was cheesy and cliche due to the whole 'shield brothers' thing. The speech is more easily rectified. The troops' reaction is more difficult. Beating shields and shouting seems a bit over dramatic the way I worded it. On the other hand the main character is going to look like a real prick if his soldiers stare at him blankly.

Hoping someone more experienced could offer some advice.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

It's hard to comment on the speech & scene without actually reading it. Are you comfortable with posting some in the showcase forum?

If I were to write a speech, I'd want to incorporate everything the POV feels and senses while they speak the words and what that character perceives around him in response to those words. Emotional connections or reactions tend to make the words themselves more than mere words. This would hold true whether the POV was the speaker or just a witness to the event.

If for example, your POV is the speaker... What internal emotions are present? Fear? Trepidation? Excitement? Anger? There's a ton of ways to go with this. It just depends on how you want your character & story to move forward. Also, how do those around the speaker react? Describe the looks on their faces, the way troops shift back and forth on their legs, the washed out color of a first time soldier afraid for his life... How about the other senses beside sight? The warm hand of a comrade on his arm, warning the speaker to be calm...the scent of urine or feces assaulting the nose which, if written well, could be an indicator of fear or perhaps a sign that the camp has been here for too long and the army needs to be put to action.

Point being, don't just have your MC speak the words and watch the crowd cheer & bang shields. Show us all the internal feelings. Give us the experience of the speaker by showing us what they witness through the senses as well as what they think. Keep in mind too, what they "think" doesn't always have to be correct. It just has to seem right to that character and be portrayed effectively.

 

[Alex97]

Cheers, I think that will help a lot. Looking back at what I wrote, I can see that it was a very straightforward: MC deliver speech. MC gains reaction from adoring fans. Focusing on some of things you mentioned should make the speech more believable.

 

[wordwalker]

I think this might be a matter of momentum. Using action over words is always good in principle, but there's room for good words too... but the more bulky the words are, the harder they are to justify. What's more, this speech probably has to be cheesy, there are only so many things you can say that are primal enough to work on the battlefield.

So if this is the first scene, it's difficult to catch the reader up in a speech that might have worked better after a few chapters of following the army's struggle. You might do better opening the scene with just the speech's last lines, or saying the first and then "blurring forward" by telling the kinds of things he says next and the growing enthusiasm of the troops. The more they've been struggling in this chapter up till now, the more of the speech the reader could be carried along with, but it would still be hard to pull off a full 1-page-plus oration this early in the book.

And no question, just Showing the specific signs that the speech is working goes a long way to justifying it and its success. So does acknowledging that there are moments he's worried it may fall flat but he keeps it going.

 

[Zero Angel]

You also have to consider the level of the warriors, I think. I have a more difficult time imagining veteran warriors carrying about (although if that is normal for their group, then that is fine). If they are capable and experienced, then they know what they are going into and they know what to expect. They don't have to greet the speech with blank stares, but a stoic resolution is not necessarily a bad reaction to have. Even a resounding, hooah/oorah/hooyah equivalent and a single clap of their shields as opposed to hooting and hollering would be more believable to me.

In my experience in sporting events and martial arts, I've always found the people that whoop and holler and pound their shields are doing it either as compensation for their anxiety or because of some juvenile element or because of peer pressure. Do any of these apply to your troops? Peer pressure, that is, it being expected, is one aspect that I can understand. And it can go both ways in military situations. The commander gives the speech not because he believes it will inspire them, but because it is expected, and the soldiers react boisterously not because they are inspired, but because it is expected. There's a lot of undercurrents you can explore or avoid in doing speeches. Personally, I want to save my energy for the "battle".

 

[Chilari]

What Zero said: if they're experienced soldiers, a rousing speech is going to fall dead on their ears. A speech along the lines of "you know what you're doing, let's get this thing done and then we'll all have a beer afterwards" will be more appropriate. Bear in mind the mental state of the person giving the speech too - is it as much for his own benefit as those of his men? Or has he seen enough of war to no longer believe what he's saying? Is he optomistic about their chances, and how does this come through in his wording and tone?

As for the beach landing side of things, you might want to check out the opening sequence from Saving Private Ryan, and how the Captain and soldiers act in that, for ideas.

 

[CupofJoe]

Reported at the time as a good speech before battle was that given by Colonel Tim Collins in 2003.
Colonel Tim Collins' Iraq war speech in full - Telegraph

 

[Alex97]

Thanks to everyone for the advice

So if this is the first scene, it's difficult to catch the reader up in a speech that might have worked better after a few chapters of following the army's struggle

Yeah I agree which is why the speech was only a short prep talk before the landing.

You also have to consider the level of the warriors

Having considered both the warriors and the character in question; I don't think any kind of speech really suits them other than the 'lets grab a beer' type chilari mentioned. The warriors are all elites, whilst the MC is also experienced. He tends to stay silent and think a lot before speaking and doesn't chase after glory like some of the other characters. Consequently speeches aren't his thing, but I think speeches may be appropriate in other battle scenes later in the book and even in a Senate type environment.

Reported at the time as a good speech before battle was that given by Colonel Tim Collins in 2003.
Colonel Tim Collins' Iraq war speech in full - Telegraph

I saw this a while ago. I have an interest in the British army and know a couple of guys in Afghan at the the moment so these things seem to come my way every so often. It's an interesting speech that you don't see very often in modern theaters of war. Very well thought out and delivered.

 

[SeverinR]

I believe a speech can encourage warriors, and I think experienced warriors would also know how to pump up the energy as the speech goes on.
There is a reason they scream and beat on their sheilds, it is intimidating to the enemy, but it also can get the adrenaline going.

That said, experienced warriors also know a "photo op" speech when they hear one. Meant only to be inserted into the history account, and not meant to encourage the fight. Some token leader trying to suck off some glory should the fight be great enough to be remembered.
"Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make." comes to mind.

 

[Nebuchadnezzar]

I believe a speech can encourage warriors, and I think experienced warriors would also know how to pump up the energy as the speech goes on.
There is a reason they scream and beat on their sheilds, it is intimidating to the enemy, but it also can get the adrenaline going.

I think this is right. Although the jaded, heard-it-all-before, stoic approach is a possibility, my suspicion is that veteran warriors will understand that it's part of their job to get the entire army, especially the young guys and the green troops, into a state of high confidence and high motivation. In effect they'll play their part and react enthusiastically to the commander's "applause lines" so that everyone gets fired up. Although it's not quite the same as combat, you often see this among professional (and amateur) sports teams. People *want* to get motivated before the big event and will seize on excuses to do.

But as SeverinR points out, all of that changes if the leader loses the confidence of his men. Then the speech that used to get cheers and oo-rahs gets blank stares. The key is that the speech hasn't changed, rather the relationship of the men to their commander.