Children at funerals

[Rikilamaro]

I lost as friend of mine this week. She was elderly, it was expected, but it still stings. That's life, eh?

The funeral is Monday. My six year-old son is in school during that time. We discussed her death, and he wants to attend the funeral. I already planned to take him to the visitation because he wants to say goodbye. I just wonder what everyone's opinion is about children at funerals? This is not a mass, it's a simple graveside service.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

 

[Ireth]

I don't see a problem with children at funerals as long as they're well-behaved. My grandmother passed away last month, and there were a large amount of children present at her funeral -- her great-grandchildren and some very young grandchildren. They were all pretty well behaved, even the very young ones.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I say take him. He's the same age as my oldest, so this isn't coming outta nowhere. Kids who are too sheltered don't turn out well. Life and Death, and Birth are things kids should know about. Think about it, it wasn't so long ago that people lived beside death every day whether it was disease, war, or butchering animals. You should take comfort in his maturity and encourage him to express his feelings.

We talk about everything in my home, and we have already talked about how pets die (my dog is 11, so it won't be long). I would hate for the kids to be surprised when it happens. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll be a wreck (because he's been my friend since before I was married, but I don't want them to grow up thinking that nothing ever changes. I want them to KNOW that it does, and live their lives happily knowing that just because things change doesn't mean they have to be afraid of it.

If your son wants to go to say goodbye, I'd let him. I'd probably tell him how proud I was that he wanted to do it, without feeling like I was "preparing" him for the funeral. Sometimes when we put emphasis on these things they become more scary. Children look to us to set the example. If we tell them how sad it's going to be... they'll cry. If we tell them they can do whatever they like, they manage to find their way and look to the adults they trust to set an example. If only all kids were as mature as yours.

Best wishes Riki, and I'm sorry again about your loss.

 

[Devor]

I've got two kids, and we've been to one funeral and a number of weddings since the oldest was born. Based on conversations about those experiences, I think it depends on three things. First, will he behave himself or be a nuisance to others. The second, does he have a connection to the deceased that warrants his presence and gives him a need to say goodbye. And the third, will it interfere with your ability to grieve to have to watch after him during the services.

For us, the last one has been the biggest issue, and that kind of took my wife and I off guard to experience.

 

[Benjamin Clayborne]

I lost as friend of mine this week. She was elderly, it was expected, but it still stings. That's life, eh?

The funeral is Monday. My six year-old son is in school during that time. We discussed her death, and he wants to attend the funeral. I already planned to take him to the visitation because he wants to say goodbye. I just wonder what everyone's opinion is about children at funerals? This is not a mass, it's a simple graveside service.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.

If he wants to go, he should be allowed to go; but I would make certain that the kid knows that he's likely to find the service tedious and boring, and that if he just gets restless and can't hold still, there should be some plan in place for him to go a little ways away and play quietly. Or something like that. I'm just thinking about how well my 7-year-old would tolerate a funeral.

 

[Rikilamaro]

Let me first say: my son knows how to behave. I'm doing everything I can to raise a gentleman that is respectful and kind. He won't be a nuisance. We've discussed how behavior at a funeral is similar to behavior at church. If he does act out for some reason I will remove him from the situation quietly.

Ireth - I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for your response.

Anihow - Thanks, sweetie. When I lost my mom I had to explain these things to my son. So he understands the process of death, and he knew that Miss B was going soon. We also talk about everything in my household. We even had a very basic sex conversation not long ago. I want my son to grow up knowing he can ask me any question and get an answer. That way when he's older and we get to things that may affect his whole life he won't be so surprised.

Devor - He was close to her, and wants to go. I've been asked to sing at the service though, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't be monitoring my child if I'm up front singing, so that's thrown a wrench into things. I'll have to figure something out.

Ben - I'm going to let him take a book to read if he gets bored. We're big on reading.

 

[Holdwyne]

I say Take him and that it is Important.....The sooner a child is exposed to and begins to understand the process of Life and that Death is a very real part of Life, the better they get grounded in reality. They will be less likely to do some of those Risky things many youth tend to gravitate towards as too many are 10 feet tall, bullet proof and are going to live forever.

Be prepared to spend some time with your child explaining the natural process, the meaning of the service, and the grieving process and how important it is. Not knowing your beliefs i can hardly advise you there but do consider that while many are not religious, Spiritual training when children are young is vital to developing good moral decision making skills.

This doesn't mean Pushing religion on a child, a child should have some amount of decision in the direction they choose but they cant decide anything if they are unaware of the options available and after a funeral, over Ice cream, is a good time to talk about these things.

IMHO a Christian upbringing never hurt anyone and it certainly gives good Moral values even though as many mature they drift away from the core teachings of Christianity. Still, the decisions those people make for the rest of their lives are influenced by the moral fiber gained when young.
Of course all that Moral Grounding is moot if you prefer your child to succeed in life no matter the cost or consequences to himself or those around him and may even hurt him in the real world rat race. Win at any cost is becoming rampant in our society and while it may benefit a few individuals, it is destroying our social fabric as a whole. Still, if you believe in more than this life and that something waits beyond our puny existence on this little marble spinning through a universe we cant even comprehend the size of then maybe a moral life is not such a bad thing.............More than your question asked I suppose but there it is for you to digest and do with as you please.

Dont ya just LOVE Philosophy!!

 

[Rikilamaro]

Dont ya just LOVE Philosophy!!

Not especially.
However, religious and spiritual concerns never struck me as completely philosophical. They were every day live and learn lessons. Being raised in a very strictly religious family I tend to lean towards Christianity, and we attend church. But when you say that it's never hurt anybody I think you're wrong. I have seen numerous people who were brow beat with the Bible and as soon as possible rebelled away from it. Sometimes in the extreme. I myself had a time frame where I ran screaming from anything that smacked of faith. I could give you examples of families that in the name of Christ did terrible things. There are people today that are being killed for their belief in Christ. I define that as 'hurt,' don't you?

I have a certain set of beliefs. I am teaching my son those beliefs, but when he asks questions I give a straight answer. Something more than just, "Because that's what the Bible says." If you can't find other evidence for your beliefs then you don't need to be trying to teach them to anyone.

Also, morality and Christianity are not synonymous. Sad, but true. Perhaps in our Western way of thinking we're bound and determined that the Protestants must rule the world, but they don't. I believe all spiritual teaching must include tolerance for others. It is necessary to realize that not everyone will believe the same way, and be ok with that. Accept them as they are, and love them just the same. (After all, Christ did.) It is strange to me that people think sexuality or religious preference or even political views degrade a person's worth. I'm trying to teach my son to be welcoming of others, to have background for the beliefs he chooses to embrace, and most of all - to be a kind person.

I take slight offense to the conjecture that if I wasn't a Christian I would not teach my son morals. I have friends who are Wiccan, Hindi, Buddist, and Muslim. They all taught or are teaching their children morals specific to their culture and beliefs.

IMHO, religious intolerance is what has degraded our society.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I think this was a little much for the original question, which was one based more on age-appropriateness than spiritual weightiness.

Spiritual training when children are young is vital to developing good moral decision making skills.

I do not speak about spiritual matters with my children, but I teach morals. This goes for both my son in christian preschool and my 6-year old who has never asked what God is. I was raised in a non-religious home and make pretty good decisions. Not to mention some of the worst decision-makers I've ever met have been devout (or maybe just loud) Christians.

IMHO a Christian upbringing never hurt anyone and it certainly gives good Moral values even though as many mature they drift away from the core teachings of Christianity. Still, the decisions those people make for the rest of their lives are influenced by the moral fiber gained when young.

While I can respect someone's choice to believe in a god or spiritual path which suits them, a funeral need not fit into someone's personal beliefs to attend. While I chose a wedding ceremony devoid of religious readings, because it was a spiritual ceremony tailored for me, I would certainly attend my family's Catholic weddings and funerals without feeling I need to justify anything to my children. I hope that acceptance of people's differences serves them better than my relying on one source to teach them about "moral fiber".

Of course all that Moral Grounding is moot if you prefer your child to succeed in life no matter the cost or consequences to himself or those around him and may even hurt him in the real world rat race. Win at any cost is becoming rampant in our society and while it may benefit a few individuals, it is destroying our social fabric as a whole. Still, if you believe in more than this life and that something waits beyond our puny existence on this little marble spinning through a universe we cant even comprehend the size of then maybe a moral life is not such a bad thing.............More than your question asked I suppose but there it is for you to digest and do with as you please.

I am not sure all that is necessary. Some of the most immoral people I've know have been self-proclaimed good Christians. How well is that working for those people I wonder? With their illegitimate children, sexual depravity, adulterous affairs and discriminating intolerance of others. I just can't believe the alternative you put forth to being a Christian is "win at all costs". I'm a proud pagan, and let me tell you, a religion that forgives me for being a shit doesn't have near the impact of one that promises that whatever I send out is coming right back at me.

 

[Caged Maiden]

Anihow - Thanks, sweetie. When I lost my mom I had to explain these things to my son. So he understands the process of death, and he knew that Miss B was going soon. We also talk about everything in my household. We even had a very basic sex conversation not long ago. I want my son to grow up knowing he can ask me any question and get an answer. That way when he's older and we get to things that may affect his whole life he won't be so surprised.

Ha, I almost had to have that conversation, Damn Doodle God! When you combine the elements Human and Human you get the element Sex, and the little picture shows.. well two people in missionary. I wasn't too concerned about it until he read the word and said, "What's sex?" AHAHAHAHA Damn. I can't lie, it's against my creed and has been for so long I'm like a babbling idiot when confronted with a question I don't want to answer.

Well we are raising tomorrow's leaders Riki, I say we just do the best we can by them. The world was never improved by someone who wasn't born.

 

[Kelise]

I went to funerals when I was younger, and I remember acting quiet and sensible simply because of the mood of those present, even if I didn't quite get the full meaning of what was going on. I'd say it's a good experience that helps show kids that there's another side to life not normally shown to them in what they read or see on television.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

I think adults who give dirty looks at people who bring children to funerals are more of an issue than children at funerals.

We brought our daughter to a relative's funeral. We didn't want to--she was one at the time--but we were ASKED to. We knew she could stay quiet, and if she didn't, we knew where we would take her.

A lady in front of us kept giving us dirty looks and an "I normally love children, but..." speech. She wasn't part of the family, and the only noise my daughter made was "that's Jesus" when she saw a cross. Conversing adults were noisier than her.

I guess my point is that there are some adults who see a child and expect bad behavior. I've been in this situation enough times to conclude that these judgmental adults are the ones who should stay home. If you know your child can behave at a fine restaurant, at church, at weddings, etc., chances are he'll be fine at the funeral. Who will he sit with while you sing?

 

[Rikilamaro]

I guess my point is that there are some adults who see a child and expect bad behavior. I've been in this situation enough times to conclude that these judgmental adults are the ones who should stay home. If you know your child can behave at a fine restaurant, at church, at weddings, etc., chances are he'll be fine at the funeral. Who will he sit with while you sing?

Thanks, Sidekick. I know the people you mean. I especially love the ones who don't have children and stare me down because *gasp* I'm not married. No, I'm divorced. Thanks for asking, jerkface.

As far as who he is going to sit with, that's the pickle. I just figured that out at the wake yesterday. He's going to sit with one of my friends that is coming. He knows her well, and respects her enough to listen if she needs to redirect him in some way. For a four minute song he should be fine.

Thank you again for the feedback.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

From what I read in the original post, that seemed to be the only possible issue. He has an adult to sit with that has the rapport as you described, so I see no reason why he shouldn't go to the funeral. I think it's very healthy that he has the interest.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I especially love the ones who don't have children and stare me down because *gasp* I'm not married. No, I'm divorced. Thanks for asking, jerkface.

HA! I get this all the time. In fact once I changed my facebook status to:

For those of you who are staring at me when I'm out with my kids... Yes, these are all my kids, no I'm not too young to have them, I'm 31. Yes I stay home, but not on your tax dollars; I have a husband and he works... Hard! For those of you who are staring because you think I'm hot... you're forgiven.

I've had some damn nasty things said to me, and I just don't understand when people became so intolerant of children. I mean, it's not like they weren't children at some point. I have news for all the people out there who think my business is their business: My home is full of love, and while many people are choosing to have fewer children for various reasons, I say if you have a loving stable home and the money to support your kids and raise them well into productive well-adjusted people you should have them if you want them. What's it some grumpy old bastard's business whether I spend my money on baby clothes or designer handbags?

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

What's it some grumpy old bastard's business whether I spend my money on baby clothes or designer handbags?

I love this comment! I think I'm much wiser and more selfless with money now that I have kids.


As for casting judgment, I can count the number of parents in public that I've judged on thumbs. Literally, if I can count parents of the same kids as a set.

The first: A father saying to his four-year-old daughter, "Fine! **** you! Stay there!" because she wanted to get something from a gum ball machine. (I was a teenager working at the supermarket where this happened.)

The second: Children (two or three kids, in the 6-10 age range) kept screaming and playing with the light switch at an Americanized Japanese restaurant. Y'know, the ones where they juggle knives and make onion volcanos. Anyway, the chef was getting sick of the kids. He purposely scared them by lighting the entire hibachi on fire. The parents never made any attempt to control them. My family left the restaurant at the same time this family did. The kids were still running wild outside.

In both cases, I kept comments to myself.

 

[Rikilamaro]

Nice, I should totally steal that.

I once took the kids I was babysitting to Walmart because my sister-in-law was at work and needed something. I'm in the check out line with 5 kids. 2 four year-olds (cousins: one black, one white), a three year old, a 20 month old and a 3 month old. I had people staring at me like I was the worst person in the world. The check out lady finally got the guts to ask if they were all mine and when I said no her response was, "Good." I was floored. What if they were? I'm paying cash for my groceries just like everyone else. Who cares who the children belong to? They are all behaving, no one's crying and being disruptive - get over it. People can have as many kids as they want. I understand that some people have too many for their pocketbooks, but it's not my life so I try not to judge.

And I'm off my soap box now.

The funeral went very well. My son was well behaved and we had a nice discussion during the drive to the graveyard. We also stopped on the way home at the library and got a kids book on death to help answer a few more questions.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

I wonder if there's ever a situation in which the "are they both/all yours" question isn't stupid.

I was asked that when my wife was getting an ultrasound for our second-born. My first-born was with us, and she's clearly a child of mixed race. Chances are if you see a white dad and a Chinese mom with a kid who has both racial features, you're looking at the biological parents of that kid.



Glad to hear the funeral went well for your son.