Dear Drill: Advice Column

[Philip Overby]

Another nickname of mine is Dr. Phil.

Yes, this is what you think it is. Write about anything, I mean anything, that you want advice about and I'll post my thoughts on it. Will they be useful? Maybe. Will they be stupid? Also, maybe.

This is the type of advice I will dispense:

-Relationship
-Writing :help:
-Gaming
-Fighting
-Weight Loss :skip:
-How to Succeed in Life
-How to Make Money at Home
-Fortune Telling
-Miscellaneous

If you want to keep my advice writing related that's fine, but I will give a (mostly) honest answer. I am not really an definitive source, but I'll give it a shot.

Please address each post: Dear Drill...

I'll then give you free, that's right, FREE advice. Out of the kindness of my heart.

I am a jack-of-all-trades, master of most of them.

 

[Reaver]

Dear Drill,

I've got these "relatives" who constantly complain to me about their problems. I try to be nice and listen to what they have to say, but the truth is they really annoy the crap out of me. I mean, I really just want to scream at them: "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?" Should I keep listening to their irritating tirades or should I just let all my frustration out?

On a different note, I really loved your performance in Beaches.

PISSED OFF IN SEATTLE

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Pissed Off in Seattle,

Thank you for the compliment.

Relatives are quite relative. Perhaps the problem isn't your relatives, but yourself. Rage is a powerful thing. I think it's best to channel your rage into other avenues rather than bursting out with a foam-mouthed rant. Perhaps take up knitting or pottery. If that doesn't work, just bottle your rage inside until it feels like a popping pimple. Try to take it out on a complete stranger though. How about a waiter? Or the check out girl at the supermarket? Just rail into them. You can keep your relationship intact with your relatives and still dump a load of acidic bile on some other poor soul.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Xanados]

Dear Phil,

How can one with insomnia hope to suffer this undying affliction with the smallest amount of pain possible? I want to read and write, but I'm always too tired! Must I try and learn to write at night when I am less tired?
Salvatore's Homeland will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow, but I know I'll be too drowsy to begin reading.

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Tired Guy,

My suggestion is to go running. Even if it's late at night. Just run circles around your house. It will get your blood pumping and cause you to be less tired. Do jumping jacks. Pace back and forth in your room. It's good to do this before doing any sedentary activity such as reading or writing.

Anytime before writing or reading I'd suggest doing something that stimulates you. Watch a movie that may scare you or go run through some woods and get lost. Then go home. I guarantee you'll have more focus.

If these suggestions don't work, pour hot tea on your head. That always wakes me up.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Steerpike]

Dear Drill:

I am about to run a pen and paper RPG using a game system that does not anticipate a great deal of combat. All of the players come from heavily combat-oriented games. What is the best way to keep them interested?

On an unrelated note, I believe my cat is possessed by the spirit of the Annunaki, who even now are en route to earth, their return to coincide with the end of the Mayan Long Count calendar. At night the feline sits on the bed and stares at me, and as I linger between sleep and wakefulness she whispers dark imagnings into my ear.

Paranoid on the Coast.

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Paranoid on the Coast,

Perhaps kill two birds with one stone. Use the demon cat to inspire your game by using whatever "wacky" ideas it comes up with. Perhaps the cat wants to "devour thousands of souls." You could have your players enter a soul eating contest. It's not combat oriented, but keeps the competitive and active nature alive.

In addition, players obsessed with combat can always be swayed by a number of things:

1. Shiny treasure
2. Sexy women/men
3. Insane characters

If the game focuses on one of these topics, then perhaps the lack of combat won't bother them as much. And let your cat GM sometimes. Maybe his eldritch ramblings will make for a great game night!

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Salvatore's Homeland will arrive at my doorstep tomorrow

WHAT?


Dear Drill,

As a resident of Leominster, Massachusetts, the homeland of fantasy author Bob "R.A." Salvatore, I am deeply disturbed by this news.

Will I come home from work tonight, only to find that as I drive up my street approaching the border of my town and Bob's, there is an eight-mile-wide crater in the Earth and no explanation as to how or why my house is now in Scotland along with many others? Or will the dilvery happen at night while I sleep? How is this possible? Don't tell me I'm in one of those "shrinking episodes" in which a super villain keeps several civilizations in jars so he can observe us under a microscope and laugh villanously! If so, who wrote this episode?

I suppose you cannot answer the whats, whens and whys. Therefore, I will ask you to advise me:

How should I deal with this situation? Does life go on as normal, except that my job prospects are limited to places in my hometown? How's the weather in Scotland? Is that question relevant if I'm in a tiny town inside a jar? Can bugs get inside the jar? What's the best means of defense against a flea fifty times your height? What if the flea is a mailman?

~Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster

 

[Xanados]

WHAT?


Dear Drill,

As a resident of Leominster, Massachusetts, the homeland of fantasy author Bob "R.A." Salvatore, I am deeply disturbed by this news.

Will I come home from work tonight, only to find that as I drive up my street approaching the border of my town and Bob's, there is an eight-mile-wide crater in the Earth and no explanation as to how or why my house is now in Scotland along with many others? Or will the dilvery happen at night while I sleep? How is this possible? Don't tell me I'm in one of those "shrinking episodes" in which a super villain keeps several civilizations in jars so he can observe us under a microscope and laugh villanously! If so, who wrote this episode?

I suppose you cannot answer the whats, whens and whys. Therefore, I will ask you to advise me:

How should I deal with this situation? Does life go on as normal, except that my job prospects are limited to places in my hometown? How's the weather in Scotland? Is that question relevant if I'm in a tiny town inside a jar? Can bugs get inside the jar? What's the best means of defense against a flea fifty times your height? What if the flea is a mailman?

~Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster

You are just hilarious.

And the weather is suitably Scottish...

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster,

Since you have asked me many questions, I will try to address each one individually.

1. How should I deal with this situation?

Try not to drive your car into the crater is the best bet.

2. Does life go on as normal, except that my job prospects are limited to places in my hometown?

New job prospects could include but are not limited to: grief counselor for missing homelands, drow hunter, crater watcher, rock kicker, and travel agent.

3. How's the weather in Scotland?

I assume it's nice. Usually looks so in movies.

4. Is that question relevant if I'm in a tiny town inside a jar?

Not quite sure what you're getting at. Are you making reference to "Under the Dome?"

5. Can bugs get inside the jar?

Bugs normally won't get inside a jar. Unless you have small, bug-sized holes in them so you can breathe.

6. What's the best means of defense against a flea fifty times your height?

A water tower full of Raid.

7. What if the flea is a mailman?

Try to get a PO box.


Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Reaver]

7. What if the flea is a mailman?

Dear Drill,
This quote disturbs me.

I often have nightmares that Fleamailman is lurking somewhere outside my house, spouting incomprehensible tirades that go on for days, even weeks at a time.

I need to know: Is Fleamailman real or just the product of someone's deranged imagination?


Fear & Loathing in the Emerald City

PS: I absolutely loved your performance as "Man with Down's Syndrome playing pan flute on street corner" in I Am Sam. You got robbed at the Oscars.

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Fear & Loathing in the Emerald City,

I'm pretty sure you wrote me before about your anger management issues. I think there is perhaps an overlap with your rage and paranoia. I recommend taking some form of prescription medicine to take care of these problems.

You may be him. I may be him. The bird looking through your window right now could be him.

Did you look?

Yeah, you're paranoid.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Reaver]

I recommend taking some form of prescription medicine to take care of these problems.
Drill

Dear Drill-

I have two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls.

Do these count as prescription medications? The man I bought them from is known locally as "The Doctor".

Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

Dear Mr. Drill,

You're in Japan, so you automatically "get" JRPGs. I have a question about Dragon's Dogma. When creating a character, height, weight, muscle tone and breast size are all factors which determine your character's stats. (True story.)

My questions:
1. What weight and measurements will result in the strongest hottie by Japanese standards?
2. Is my theory correct that the strongest hottie would be the statistically ideal "fighter" class character?
3. Would you feel like you wasted your time answering #1 & #2 if I told you I had no intention of buying the game?

~Tusk H. Tuesday

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City,

I don't recommend that. Please consult a doctor who doesn't live in/on/around the vicinity of a dumpster/alley/fly-riddled, half-eaten Subway sandwich.

Also quit sending me feathers and broken teeth in the mail. It's freaking out my kids.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Tusk H. Tuesday,

Sorry, cleaning teeth out of my mailbox again.

1. By Japanese standards, strong women usually look insane. So I'd say make the most insane looking woman you can and put her in the game. Either that or find the most fan service oriented manga you can find and copy one of the ninja/maid/fashion plate templates.

2. Yes.

3. No, as I intend to purchase the game. There's a wizard fighting a gryphon in the trailer. That's good enough for me.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Devor]

Dear Drill,

What advice would you have for raising a two-year old who is smart, fun to be with, a fan of elephants and trains, but is sometimes selfish and has extreme levels of energy whenever the television is not on? What should you do if you're a grown man who still cries on the seventeenth viewing of Dumbo?

Also, this is in response to Fear, Loathing, and now Extreme Paranoia in the Emerald City, and also to Savoring My Last Few Moments of Life Going on as Normal in Leominster. Extreme Paranoia, if "The Doctor" lives in a blue box, please inform him that he appears to be needed Massachusetts and Scotland.

Sincerely,

Difficult in New Jersey

 

[Philip Overby]

Dear Difficult in New Jersey,

Children are always a difficult subject. Especially two year olds. Each child has their own way of expressing themselves. I'd recommend having lots of toys that are elephant and/or train themed in order to give him (I'll assume the child is a boy) a focus other than television. Books, games, toys, clothing. If the child is attached to said "theme" then perhaps having the theme easily accessible at all times may give the child a way to focus his energy.

Also for selfish tendencies, it may be good to arrange play-dates with other children his age so he can learn the concept of sharing and that he is not the center of attention at all times. I'm also assuming this is an only child as they tend to exhibit selfishness the most.

In concerns to a grown man crying at repeated viewings of Dumbo, is that because you are having a mental breakdown or because it touches you emotionally? I'd say either would be normal given the circumstances. Try to become detached from Dumbo. He's only a character. He's not real. Repeat that to yourself over and over. Confirmations such as this will help you in dealing with a Dumbo-centric lifestyle.

Hope this helps,

Drill

 

[Steerpike]

Dear Paranoid on the Coast,

Perhaps kill two birds with one stone. Use the demon cat to inspire your game by using whatever "wacky" ideas it comes up with. Perhaps the cat wants to "devour thousands of souls." You could have your players enter a soul eating contest. It's not combat oriented, but keeps the competitive and active nature alive.

In addition, players obsessed with combat can always be swayed by a number of things:

1. Shiny treasure
2. Sexy women/men
3. Insane characters

If the game focuses on one of these topics, then perhaps the lack of combat won't bother them as much. And let your cat GM sometimes. Maybe his eldritch ramblings will make for a great game night!

Hope this helps,

Drill

Thanks, Drill. I'm going to get the cat a new dice bag now.

 

[Legendary Sidekick]

3. No, as I intend to purchase the game. There's a wizard fighting a gryphon in the trailer. That's good enough for me.

In that case, tell me if there's actually a pawn named "Tusk H. Tuesday" in the game. I won a contest in which you could name a pawn, but shortly after winners were announced, the guy who ran the contest left Capcom. (I found this out while asking one of the Capcom Unity mods to see if Capcom is fine with me using Monster Hunter images in the Endless Hunt--and they are, by the way. The images are fan-created, and I was able to get the okay from the fan as well.)

I'm guessing Tusk will not appear in the game, and the contest is probably only for the U.S. version so he wouldn't be in the Japanese version anyway. Same was true for fan-designed Monster Hunter weapons.

It does look fun... I don't own an XBox or PS3.