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Do I suck at describing?—please, critique!

Discussion in 'Writing Discussions' started by Writer’s_Magic, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. When I know something about me is it that I suck at describing. But I don’t know how you find my description. So, I wrote an example. Please, critique it.

    Amber makes out as if happen nothing. And all that although you see the mashed potato spot on the amethyst purple school uniform clearly.
    Well, I hate my clumsiness. But this is not the only time something like that happened. Last week, I slipped and my spaghetti and dessert (green Jell-O) hit the hair of another student. That looked funny.
    Anyway, I grab my napkin. “Let me help ya!” However, it made all worse. It’s not just that the spot increases in size. I smear it on her face unintended. Now she looks a little bit like the Grinch.
     
  2. Svrtnsse

    Svrtnsse Staff Article Team

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    Right, so I think the main issue here isn't really with the description as such but rather with the prose itself. There are some issues with sentence structure that makes it difficult to get immersed in the imagery, but I'll give it a go.

    What I'm liking here is that there's actually quite a lot of information here even if it's quite sparse. We don't know that much about Amber, but we see how she pretends like nothing's happened even though someone's put mashed potato on her uniform. We also learn that it's not the first time something like this has happened, which tells us a little bit about the Point-of-View character.

    The PoV character is also helpful and wants to try and set things right, but only managed to make things worse instead. It's the kind of situation that's really awkward to be in, but which would probably be funny for a viewer if it was a comedy or something like that.

    For reference, I noticed you wrote in your introduction thread you're German and that English isn't your main language. I'm in a similar spot where English also isn't my main language (but I've lived abroad for the last 12 years and speak/write English daily). It can be a bit of a struggle to get the flow of words right, but it's something that gets easier with practice.
    Keep at it. :)
     
  3. SvrtnsseSvrtnsse Thanks for the tips! I know it’s a good idea to speak and write English as often as you can. I do this. For Example, I always shift the language in TV (e.g. when I watch Nickelodeon) to English.
     
    Svrtnsse likes this.
  4. Penpilot

    Penpilot Staff Article Team

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    IMHO, don't worry about your descriptions for now. Focus on your mechanics. I think if you get that smoothed out, some of your issues with description will fade.
     
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