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Hello I need help

JDSin

Acolyte
Hello iam a new writer in fantasy based story I have just begun a story plot based on a mythical story line I would like some people tell me it's either trash or not
This not a plot to get readers I genuinely want to know if what I am writing is only for me or is it a little bit good
 

ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
It sounds pretty good. The blurb held my interest.

I do have a minor concern about the name: there is another fantasy series out there with a character of the same name.
 

JDSin

Acolyte
Really can u send me the link I mean Daniel Faust I know but the same title and name I want to check it out and change accordingly but if just the name Daniel Faust is just the earth name not the name character will b using in the other world
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
I will look at this over the weekend.

But, if you post this on the web and it is not behind a protected account, it may be that this is considered publishing, and so that will hurt your chances of writing to be published professionally.
 

JDSin

Acolyte
It sounds pretty good. The blurb held my interest.

I do have a minor concern about the name: there is another fantasy series out there with a character of the same name.
Really can u send me the link I mean Daniel Faust I know but the same title and name I want to check it out and change accordingly but if just the name Daniel Faust is just the earth name not the name character will b using in the other world
 

JDSin

Acolyte
I will look at this over the weekend.

But, if you post this on the web and it is not behind a protected account, it may be that this is considered publishing, and so that will hurt your chances of writing to be published professionally.
No problem if I wanted to be professionally published I will use another story once I understand the ropes of writing an good novel people will want to read right now I am just experimenting and if you could explain the situation a little bit more it would help me a lot
 

ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
Really can u send me the link I mean Daniel Faust I know but the same title and name I want to check it out and change accordingly but if just the name Daniel Faust is just the earth name not the name character will b using in the other world.

It is an 'over the top' urban fantasy series. I read a few of the related books where the Daniel Faust character makes an appearance.

 

JDSin

Acolyte
It is an 'over the top' urban fantasy series. I read a few of the related books where the Daniel Faust character makes an appearance.

Yeah, I have read this. It's one of the major influences on my work. But as I told you, except for the name, nothing else is in common and the main character will not be using that name in the fantasy world.
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
Faust is a well known name in fiction. It something to be cautious of.

I'm going to recommend that if you are looking for peer review, a site like Scribophile is more designed with peer review as its focus. You may find more abundant results there.

I looked at the page and saw a chapter, but did not realize there were many chapters. I'll do at least one, but I dont know that I'll do all of them. As I told another earlier, I am currently working on my own, so I am avoiding commitments presently. We'll see.
 

JDSin

Acolyte
Faust is a well known name in fiction. It something to be cautious of.

I'm going to recommend that if you are looking for peer review, a site like Scribophile is more designed with peer review as its focus. You may find more abundant results there.

I looked at the page and saw a chapter, but did not realize there were many chapters. I'll do at least one, but I dont know that I'll do all of them. As I told another earlier, I am currently working on my own, so I am avoiding commitments presently. We'll see.
Thank you for the advice and your time.
 

pmmg

Myth Weaver
Okay, I read the first and last chapter (why? because command of craft usually improves as the story is being written). IMO, you have all the markings of a beginner writer. Which is not good or bad, its just where you are in the journey.

I tend to have an order of nitpicking, which starts with the craft. If you dont have the craft right, it is hard to move past that to other elements, like story, character and plot, and then later to more nuanced aspects like voice and tension and theme.

I think you need to work on craft, which means you need to go conduct peer review of your own, and have others give you a page of full of red ink. Dont over look that 'you conducting peer review' came first. That will teach you more than anything any other will say about your work. My suggestion is go to scribophile, or another site more engineered for peer review. Mythic Scribes is not heavy with peer review, and the tools are not really present here. Most members here are a little past beginner in their writing and are trying to gain skill with other aspects of the craft.


Small sample:

I am not sure if some of the stuff I am seeing is formatting errors on the website, or if it is written this way, but a section like this:

{
Jaskier could see the tears streaming down the woman's cheeks, as she clutched the prince's body close to her, while he lay motionless on the cold marble tiles.

Then man turned toward the king and fired once more killing the entire royal family,

Jaskier knew he had no power now, no weapon, no magic, and all hope are gone, so he knew would die here

just like the rest.

It happened so fast that Jaskier could barely comprehend it,

Jaskier lay there numb and helpless,

He watched helplessly as a rift cracked open near the man and a beautiful woman dressed in a red dress came out of it and drifted toward the man no the monster and hugged him tightly. She held his face tenderly, and spoke to him in hushed whispers, then she looked at him her bright golden eyes perched right threw

They were kind sad and full of love at the same time

Jaskier tried to get closer, tried to call out, tried to beg the woman to save him

But his voice failed him, as the world started to darken around him. The darkness engulfed him as his eyelids grew heavy. As his thoughts faded to black...

}

Would do better with with more attention to formatting and craft.

{
Jaskier could see tears streaming down the woman's cheek as she clutched the motionless body of the prince. Another arrow, and the King fell beside her--the whole of the royal family lost. Jaskier knew he had no power, no weapon, no magic--no hope. He knew would die with them, just like the rest.

It had all happened so fast. Jaskier lay defeated, numb and helpless, watching as a rift cracked open near the man and a woman of great beauty and dressed in red appeared. She drifted towards the man and took him up in her arms, hugging him tightly. She held his face, and spoke to him in hushed whispers, then she looked up, her bright golden eyes looking on Jaskier, full of both love and sadness at the same time.

Jaskier tried to get closer, tried to call out, but his voice failed him. Darkness closed in and his eyes dimmed; his thoughts fading into black.

}


Some pointers:

1) Do not use all caps.
2) Do not use {} brackets for thoughts
3) Its better to write out numbers, then use them: thirty and not 30.
4) Get the punctuation right. You have a lot of missing periods and commas instead of periods.
5) Look for crutch words, which are words you are using repeatedly that add no value. Like the way many people say 'basically' in a lot of their sentences.

Hope the helps.
 

JDSin

Acolyte
Thank
Okay, I read the first and last chapter (why? because command of craft usually improves as the story is being written). IMO, you have all the markings of a beginner writer. Which is not good or bad, its just where you are in the journey.

I tend to have an order of nitpicking, which starts with the craft. If you dont have the craft right, it is hard to move past that to other elements, like story, character and plot, and then later to more nuanced aspects like voice and tension and theme.

I think you need to work on craft, which means you need to go conduct peer review of your own, and have others give you a page of full of red ink. Dont over look that 'you conducting peer review' came first. That will teach you more than anything any other will say about your work. My suggestion is go to scribophile, or another site more engineered for peer review. Mythic Scribes is not heavy with peer review, and the tools are not really present here. Most members here are a little past beginner in their writing and are trying to gain skill with other aspects of the craft.


Small sample:

I am not sure if some of the stuff I am seeing is formatting errors on the website, or if it is written this way, but a section like this:

{
Jaskier could see the tears streaming down the woman's cheeks, as she clutched the prince's body close to her, while he lay motionless on the cold marble tiles.

Then man turned toward the king and fired once more killing the entire royal family,

Jaskier knew he had no power now, no weapon, no magic, and all hope are gone, so he knew would die here

just like the rest.

It happened so fast that Jaskier could barely comprehend it,

Jaskier lay there numb and helpless,

He watched helplessly as a rift cracked open near the man and a beautiful woman dressed in a red dress came out of it and drifted toward the man no the monster and hugged him tightly. She held his face tenderly, and spoke to him in hushed whispers, then she looked at him her bright golden eyes perched right threw

They were kind sad and full of love at the same time

Jaskier tried to get closer, tried to call out, tried to beg the woman to save him

But his voice failed him, as the world started to darken around him. The darkness engulfed him as his eyelids grew heavy. As his thoughts faded to black...

}

Would do better with with more attention to formatting and craft.

{
Jaskier could see tears streaming down the woman's cheek as she clutched the motionless body of the prince. Another arrow, and the King fell beside her--the whole of the royal family lost. Jaskier knew he had no power, no weapon, no magic--no hope. He knew would die with them, just like the rest.

It had all happened so fast. Jaskier lay defeated, numb and helpless, watching as a rift cracked open near the man and a woman of great beauty and dressed in red appeared. She drifted towards the man and took him up in her arms, hugging him tightly. She held his face, and spoke to him in hushed whispers, then she looked up, her bright golden eyes looking on Jaskier, full of both love and sadness at the same time.

Jaskier tried to get closer, tried to call out, but his voice failed him. Darkness closed in and his eyes dimmed; his thoughts fading into black.

}


Some pointers:

1) Do not use all caps.
2) Do not use {} brackets for thoughts
3) Its better to write out numbers, then use them: thirty and not 30.
4) Get the punctuation right. You have a lot of missing periods and commas instead of periods.
5) Look for crutch words, which are words you are using repeatedly that add no value. Like the way many people say 'basically' in a lot of their sentences.

Hope the helps.
Thank you so much I will follow your advice and try to do better thank you again for the tips
 
I read only a part, but the idea of the story seems nice.

I do agree with pmmg that you seem to be a beginner writer. Which is fine, it just means you need to write a lot more. I always compare it to playing a musical instrument. You don't expect to sound perfect the first time you pick up an instrument, and you don't play the most difficult piece without trouble when you start. You begin with practice pieces and learn as you go. The same goes for writing. It takes practice to get better and learn how to craft an amazing story. Now, I'm not trying to discourage you, just saying that everyone goes through this and you should keep writing.

There are some issues with paragraph structure and the like, but I'll put those down to the website. The same with the missing periods ending sentences. My two main issues are that it's confusing what's happening, and that you're telling a lot in very long sentences instead of showing them.

two examples:
{
Another explosion shook the castle walls and rattled the windows.
Jaskier winced as he heard another explosion, this time much closer than before.
This battle was far from over.
"Sir!" The familiar voice of Sir Gerald called from behind him, "We need to regroup."
With a sigh, Jaskier turned to face his friend.
BOOM!
But before he could say or do anything another explosion shook the very ground he stood on
This time it was coming from the west, near where the walls met the ground, and not the east.
“You know what to do," the voice of his captain commanded.
“Make sure there aren’t any of them on the walls when you attack.”
" Do we need them for bait?” someone from far behind shouted but no one bothered to reply
“MOVE!”
The group that had assembled before him nodded and began slow marching.
Their next order was simple.
"Fire!"
This command was followed immediately by a great roar as the fire arrows began flying towards the enemy's supposed location. As fire rained down on the very castle they swore to protect Even more, archers gathered ready to shoot, ready to break their sacred oath.

}
This is what I meant with confusing. The "Sir, we need to regroup" suggests to me that Jaskier is the one in charge (it feels like they're talking to him), but then in the rest of the piece it reads like he's just a random soldier. Is Sir Gerald the captain? or is it a third person (I assumed it was a third person)? How many people are around him? When I started reading I assumed they were inside the castle, defending it. But then they are attacking it. I'm also not sure who's talking most of the time.

I need some more description of where they are, of how many people there are and what / who they are attacking.

In another example of this, at some point there suddenly are a bunch of knights who're trying to close some void to remove some mana from somewhere. The void is mentioned only once, the mana only shows up when someone is actually trying to get rid of it. If it's that important and visible, then it probably deserved an earlier mention. The same with a gun that suddenly comes out of nowhere and is then never mentioned again. It felt like a medieval-like setting, and suddenly there's a gun (which sounds very modern).

{
then something flew past him and as it flew right past his ear it let off a piercing scream that deafened him
another second later the blue dazzling lightning arcs came like dancing snakes and hit them
then a powerful force swept Jaskier off his feet and threw him forward into the wall,
and everything went black for a moment then suddenly everything was back and the smell of smoke hung heavy in the air

}
This is an example of the telling not showing. This is basically one long sentence, strung together by "ands", telling me something happens. Something flew past, and then something happened, and then something hit him, and then he was knocked over, and then everything went black. You want to break this up and actually spend some time on the different parts. Just a sentence or two maybe. Now it reads like a summary of the action. Remove all the "then" and make it flow.
 

JDSin

Acolyte
I read only a part, but the idea of the story seems nice.

I do agree with pmmg that you seem to be a beginner writer. Which is fine, it just means you need to write a lot more. I always compare it to playing a musical instrument. You don't expect to sound perfect the first time you pick up an instrument, and you don't play the most difficult piece without trouble when you start. You begin with practice pieces and learn as you go. The same goes for writing. It takes practice to get better and learn how to craft an amazing story. Now, I'm not trying to discourage you, just saying that everyone goes through this and you should keep writing.

There are some issues with paragraph structure and the like, but I'll put those down to the website. The same with the missing periods ending sentences. My two main issues are that it's confusing what's happening, and that you're telling a lot in very long sentences instead of showing them.

two examples:
{
Another explosion shook the castle walls and rattled the windows.
Jaskier winced as he heard another explosion, this time much closer than before.
This battle was far from over.
"Sir!" The familiar voice of Sir Gerald called from behind him, "We need to regroup."
With a sigh, Jaskier turned to face his friend.
BOOM!
But before he could say or do anything another explosion shook the very ground he stood on
This time it was coming from the west, near where the walls met the ground, and not the east.
“You know what to do," the voice of his captain commanded.
“Make sure there aren’t any of them on the walls when you attack.”
" Do we need them for bait?” someone from far behind shouted but no one bothered to reply
“MOVE!”
The group that had assembled before him nodded and began slow marching.
Their next order was simple.
"Fire!"
This command was followed immediately by a great roar as the fire arrows began flying towards the enemy's supposed location. As fire rained down on the very castle they swore to protect Even more, archers gathered ready to shoot, ready to break their sacred oath.

}
This is what I meant with confusing. The "Sir, we need to regroup" suggests to me that Jaskier is the one in charge (it feels like they're talking to him), but then in the rest of the piece, it reads like he's just a random soldier. Is Sir Gerald the captain? or is it a third person (I assumed it was a third person)? How many people are around him? When I started reading I assumed they were inside the castle, defending it. But then they are attacking it. I'm also not sure who's talking most of the time.

I need some more description of where they are, how many people there are and what / who they are attacking.

In another example of this, at some point there suddenly are a bunch of knights who're trying to close some void to remove some mana from somewhere. The void is mentioned only once, the mana only shows up when someone is actually trying to get rid of it. If it's that important and visible, then it probably deserved an earlier mention. The same with a gun that suddenly comes out of nowhere and is then never mentioned again. It felt like a medieval-like setting, and suddenly there's a gun (which sounds very modern).

{
then something flew past him and as it flew right past his ear it let off a piercing scream that deafened him
another second later the blue dazzling lightning arcs came like dancing snakes and hit them
then a powerful force swept Jaskier off his feet and threw him forward into the wall,
and everything went black for a moment then suddenly everything was back and the smell of smoke hung heavy in the air

}
This is an example of the telling not showing. This is basically one long sentence, strung together by "and", telling me something happens. Something flew past, and then something happened, and then something hit him, and then he was knocked over, and then everything went black. You want to break this up and spend some time on the different parts. Just a sentence or two maybe. Now it reads like a summary of the action. Remove all the "then" and make it flow.
I will follow your advice and try to rewrite the chapter with more details and shorter sentences. Thank you for that. Writing something that is happening in my head in words is hard in my mind the image is so clear but when I start to write it I am at a loss.
 
I will follow your advice and try to rewrite the chapter with more details and shorter sentences. Thank you for that. Writing something that is happening in my head in words is hard in my mind the image is so clear but when I start to write it I am at a loss.
If I were you I wouldn't rewrite what you have written just yet. Just keep writing. You will not yet know what to change until you're done, and you'll learn a lot as you write forward. And creating a story is not just about building great sentences, but also about telling a good story, as in have a good plot and logical situations. And you'll only learn those by writing your story.

If you're looking for resources on writing, check out Brandon Sanderson's Youtube lectures. He teaches a university class on writing, and his lectures are freely available online. They're a good starting point.
 

ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
I will follow your advice and try to rewrite the chapter with more details and shorter sentences. Thank you for that. Writing something that is happening in my head in words is hard in my mind the image is so clear but when I start to write it I am at a loss.
Hold off on that. At this point what matters is finishing the rough draft. Then, when you finish it, set it aside and work on something unrelated for a few weeks - or better yet, a few months. That way, it will look 'fresh' when you come back to it.
 
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