Help with my opening Paragraph?

[Darkfantasy]

Hi, so this was my original opening:

The attack came at dawn. The girl woke to the stench of burning thatch and the sound of her mother screaming. Outside, in the clearing beyond the hut, she heard her father's response, and the clash of iron on bronze. Frantically, Alana rummaged under her head rest for her dagger, her mother screamed again then all was quiet. Alana's finger touched cold steel and she jerked out the dagger just as a dark shadow cast over her. She looked up into the eyes of the barbarian and sunlight glinted on his sword as he lifted it above his head.

But then I decided to write another than was less informative and a bit more character orientated.

An agonizing scream from her mother penetrated her ears, and the girl snapped awake with an alertness so acute it bordered pain. Then came the stench of burning thatch, outside the hut she heard her brother’s cry of rage, and the clash of steel on bronze blades, all mingled, creating a horrifying cacophony in her ears. She reached beneath her head rest and pulled out her dagger. The bear skin curtain above the door fell away, and brilliant dawn sunlight blinded her, then the light was gone and a dark figure lurked in the doorway.

I'm not sure which one is the best to start my novel with. In this first chapter, my main characters tribe is attacked and she makes her first kill. This is the first thing I've ever written so if I could have some opinions Id be really grateful.

Thank you

 

[Butterfly]

I think the first is the stronger, but you could make it stronger still, and with a blend of the two.

The first sentence doesn't really add anything though...

I think the second sentence is the strongest one to open with, but change 'The girl' to whatever her name is.

Alana woke to the stench of burning thatch and the sound of her mother screaming.

What was her father's response? It could be a shout - what did he say? If it's words... set it off on its own line as dialogue. It could also be a battlecry and then the clash of weapons. Be specific in this bit. It has to make her realise they are under attack.

I think maybe cut the mother's second scream and focus on the weapon, then a turn and use the 'The bear skin' bit from the second, and finish with the weapon from the first.

But describe the Barbarian... focus on the fear she would feel at that moment.

Make sense?

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Hi, so this was my original opening:

The attack came at dawn. The girl woke to the stench of burning thatch and the sound of her mother screaming. Outside, in the clearing beyond the hut, she heard her father's response, and the clash of iron on bronze. Frantically, Alana rummaged under her head rest for her dagger, her mother screamed again then all was quiet. Alana's finger touched cold steel and she jerked out the dagger just as a dark shadow cast over her. She looked up into the eyes of the barbarian and sunlight glinted on his sword as he lifted it above his head.

But then I decided to write another than was less informative and a bit more character orientated.

An agonizing scream from her mother penetrated her ears, and the girl snapped awake with an alertness so acute it bordered pain. Then came the stench of burning thatch, outside the hut she heard her brother’s cry of rage, and the clash of steel on bronze blades, all mingled, creating a horrifying cacophony in her ears. She reached beneath her head rest and pulled out her dagger. The bear skin curtain above the door fell away, and brilliant dawn sunlight blinded her, then the light was gone and a dark figure lurked in the doorway.

I'm not sure which one is the best to start my novel with. In this first chapter, my main characters tribe is attacked and she makes her first kill. This is the first thing I've ever written so if I could have some opinions Id be really grateful.

Thank you

First thing, how acute is her hearing that she can distinguish the clang of iron against bronze? Unless this character has supernatural hearing and that aspect is key to the story, I'd recommend a rewrite there.

The word "Frantically" is a tell.... You'd be far better off showing us her actions that let us know she is frantic. Let the reader figure that out for themselves. Often, adverbs like frantically are tells. Look for these. They are often opportunities to show greater detail to your reader and increase emotional response...especially when it comes to the main characters.

Overuse of the word "and" in both examples. You'd be better off breaking the sentences up into shorter sentences.

Starting sentences with words like "then" make your writing read like a list. "Then came the stench of burning thatch, outside the hut she heard her brother’s cry of rage..."

Writing things like "...creating a horrifying cacophony in her ears" is fine but I'd rather read about her reaction to those sounds. Her experiences are what draw me, your reader, into the world and events you've created.

Here's the thing...You've got a POV character (Alana). Try incorporating her senses (not just sight and feel) so that your reader feels, smeels, hears, tastes, and hears the terror Alana experiences. Letting your reader experience her frantic motions, the terror at her brother's screams, the alarm she feels when she knows her father is fighting for their protection.... these are the things that immerse readers into your story.

 

[Devora]

I like the first one more. It feels more direct, and it's less "Pulpy" than the second one.

 

[BWFoster78]

An agonizing scream from her mother penetrated her ears, and the girl snapped awake with an alertness so acute it bordered pain. Then came the stench of burning thatch, outside the hut she heard her brother’s cry of rage, and the clash of steel on bronze blades, all mingled, creating a horrifying cacophony in her ears. She reached beneath her head rest and pulled out her dagger. The bear skin curtain above the door fell away, and brilliant dawn sunlight blinded her, then the light was gone and a dark figure lurked in the doorway.

Alana snapped awake. What was that?
An agoninzed scream pierced her eyers. Mom!
The ???? smell of burning flesh assaulted her nostrils, and cries of rage mingled with clashing swords in a horrible cacaphony. (How is Alana feeling right now; give us some indication.) After grabbing her dagger from underneath her pillow, she bolted from her bedroom.

I think that something like this would work. Important points:

1. Give me the character name and have her perform an intriguing action immediately.
2. Show the reader what's happening and filter the events emotionally through her.

Hope this helps!

Thanks.

Brian

 

[The Unseemly]

Personally? The second one. I see you write emotive, and the second sort of captures that better. So, I'll discuss the second:

First off, I of course cannot say that I'm good at this sort of "emotive" writing, preferring something bordering on queer to very queer, so be subjective. Anyhow: in the second paragraph, there's slightly too much of this "emotive" writing for my preference; as Devora said "pulpy". I'd tone down on the excessive amount of adjectives (agonizing, snapped, stench); leave this sort of thing to writing poetry.

Try and give a bit of background. Say what the place is. You could even incorporate it into sentences as "there came the wringing of metal hitting metal through the camp" means we know its a camp, and then, with all the descriptions of bear skin and such, it creates a picture of a primitive camp.

And I'll also reinforce T.Allen.Smith's points: all true.

 

[Darkfantasy]

Okay, thanks guys, those points were really helpful.

 

[Geldor]

I believe the second paragraph was the better of the two but if you combined them then you would have a strong and enticing opening.

 

[Darkfantasy]

Thanks Geldor,
I'm now going to work on putting the two together, I never thought of that until someone mentioned it.

 

[WPT]

The first paragraph would be much better if you reduced "The attack came at dawn. The girl woke..." to "Alana woke..." Then it would probably serve well. One commenter questioned how she could hear the difference between steel and bronze blades, which might be possible, but you could avoid that with something like "the clash of swords" because swords do have a fairly distinctive sound. Also, "Frantically, Alana rummaged under her head rest..." could be modified to "Alana frantically felt under her head rest..." Unlike another commenter, I accepted the word more as an adverb; the manner in which the person feels around implies frantic, so it was just fine.

I should be more correct and say that rather than being much better, it would have grabbed my attention much more strongly, I'm not enough of an expert to say the changes would make it "better." I'd like it "better."

 

[advait98]

If this is the first thing you've ever written, then you're off to a good start. Write more and then try to incorporate the advice the others have bequeathed upon you in this thread. One's writing becomes better with practice.

As you write more you will be able to see for yourself which is the more appropriate and enticing opening and then rewrite it using all this advice in an improved manner combining both facts and emotions.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

My preference was for the first one, I'm a fan of having the opening line being short, sharp and attention grabbing. I would suggest making it a single five line paragraph on its own purely to add impact.

As for the rest, also I'd suggest the sound of steel on bronze is likely no different to steel on steel, even if the barbars have bronze weapons. So maybe she woke to the clash of metal on metal. I don't like the awakening to a smell. Sounds will wake you, smells usually won't. So my thought is rewrite this to she awoke to the sound and then smelled the burning thatch.

So my rewrite is as follows:

The attack came at dawn.

Alana woke to the sound of her mother screaming. Outside, she could hear her father fighting; the clash of metal blades obvious to her. And then she could smell the bitterness of burning straw. The thatch was on fire. Frantic, Alana rummaged under her head rest for her dagger, not knowing if she could help but desperate to do something.

Her mother screamed again, and then abruptly all was quiet. The silence more terrible than the screaming. Alana's finger touched cold steel and she jerked out the dagger just as a dark shadow passed over her. She looked up into the eyes of the barbarian, sunlight glinting on his sword as he lifted it above his head.

Hope that helps.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

A few observations:

So my rewrite is as follows:

Outside, she could hear her father fighting; the clash of metal blades obvious to her.

How does she know it's her father that is fighting?

And then she could smell the bitterness of burning straw.

Starting sentences with phrasing like "And then..." Makes writing read like a list.

 

[advait98]

And the clash of metal blades obvious to her also sounds ...bad. It takes some of the attention away from the story.
Maybe something like this: ; the clash and screech of metal on metal almost eclipsing her mother's cries.

Not the best, I know, but reads better.

 

[Darkfantasy]

Psychotic - I really liked this line "Her mother screamed again, and then abruptly all was quiet. The silence more terrible than the screaming" and I agree with your suggestion. I understand it was just something to set me on the right path and I could play around with it.

Yeah this is my first EVER book and was just struggling with a decent beginning, the trouble with starting with a fight or action scene is that he has to be done right. You don't have a chance to allow the audience to get to know the character so you have to try and get them to care about her right then, by how you write. Sometimes they can also be a little confusing.

I really appreciate the help, it was great!
xxx