How does it work as a catchy summary?

[Raziel]

The Priest, (summary so far...)
A corrupt priest is enjoying his brand new church, full Wine seller, and a full pocket book. Suddenly the large dormant volcano in the city's Southern eye erupts. An ash cloud descents upon the town trapping the few citizens into the one massive church. The priest is given orders to keep everyone alive for 23 days. The devil will be arriving on the 24th day.

 

[Nihal]

To be honest, not really. I'm curious by nature, but the disconnected sentences and lack of flow puts me off.

A corrupt priest is enjoying his brand new church

"Brand new" already broke the spell. It's a new church, we got it, no need for emphasis here.

You should also rethink if is there any reason to keep calling him "priest". By repeatedly identifying him by his occupation instead of name you're keeping everything impersonal. Usually you want the reader to care.

full Wine seller

Did you mean "cellar"? Oh, and avoid random capitalizations.

and a full pocket book.

It flew right over my head. How can a book be "full"? Why its dimensions are relevant (they also clash with the "full")? Why is the book relevant at all to deserve a mention in the summary?

Suddenly the large dormant volcano in the city's Southern eye erupts.

No need for "suddenly". Stories are about usually changes, you don't need to use suddenly, specially when it's about a dormant volcano. You don't expect a dormant volcano to wake up, the surprise is implicit.

An ash cloud descents upon the town trapping the few citizens into the one massive church.

I'm not skilled enough to point out exactly how this sentence could be reworked, but it sounds passive and probably could be merged with the next sentence. The church's qualities (e.g. massive) could have been described on the first sentence, here they're a bit distracting.

The priest is given orders to keep everyone alive for 23 days. The devil will be arriving on the 24th day.

For some reason I would be more curious if you kept the second sentence out. It would prompt me to wonder "why 23 days?". It would also be interesting to allude to who gave the order without naming the culprit.

 

[Ophiucha]

I agree with and reaffirm Nihal's comments. I'll leave all of the grammar/word choice ones beneath a cut, and will discuss the content after that.

Spoiler: syntax/diction stuff

A corrupt priest is enjoying his brand new church, full Wine seller, and a full pocket book.

Firstly, I think this sentence and the second could be combined into one. "A corrupt priest is [x], when suddenly* [y]." It seems more natural to me.

I don't like the double use of the world 'full'; seems unnecessary, and it doesn't quite work to create a little parallel since the 'new church' bit doesn't start with 'full' as well.

Also, while I know that pocket book can be used as a synonym for wallet or billfold, as a woman I immediately read this to mean 'handbag'. I would probably go for 'wallet' or 'coin purse' (I'm not entirely confident what the setting of this novel is, so I leave that up to you).

Suddenly the large dormant volcano in the city's Southern eye erupts. An ash cloud descents upon the town trapping the few citizens into the one massive church.

* I agree with Nihal's comment about the use of 'Suddenly'.

I don't know if 'large' is necessary. I think most people would assume that any volcano is large; they are basically mountains, you know? That's a minor redundancy, but I like to cut loose adjectives in summaries.

I'm not sure if 'Southern' needs to be capitalized in this context. Is the 'Southern eye' a specific thing, or just a euphemistic way of seeing 'to the South'?

*Descends.

'Massive'. I'd have probably cut that, or at least put in the previous description of the church back in the first sentence.

There are a handful of minor errors in this sentence, some of which could be argued for but most would probably be best if they were simplified. Consider, 'An ash cloud descends upon the town, trapping the [few] citizens inside the church.' I don't know if few is necessary here. Maybe make it 'the small town' instead? Few citizens just sounds odd here.

The priest is given orders to keep everyone alive for 23 days. The devil will be arriving on the 24th day.

Agree with Nihal that the second sentence makes the first less interesting. Also, it might be better to write the numbers out. I know there are rules about that... for some reason, '24th' looks wrong but '23' looks okay. I'd google it before sticking to anything with that.

Now, regarding the content.

First: the priest. Even if he's meant to be a villain protagonist, I'm not convinced that it's a great idea to open up your selling line with the fact that he's corrupt and end with 'and now he has to save the town'. My first thought was 'why would he bother?'. Does he have to keep them alive in order to keep himself alive? Is he not meant to be that bad of a guy, just a bit greedy? How is he so rich in a town with so few citizens?

Second: I'd probably open the summary with the volcano. That's the hook, and it should probably be the hook for your summary. Volcanoes are badass, so start us out with a short and sweet description of the fire and brimstone.

Third: Give me some explanation of the stakes. Telling me I have 24 days before the devil's at the door is fine and all, but why? All we know at this point is a small town with a corrupt priest has been covered in ash - it's not even fantasy at this point - and somehow we've got a countdown clock and a demonic entity in the last sentence. Give me a taste for the world, or something thematic. Tell me that the devil's the one who blew the lid off the mountain. Tell me the devil's a reaper ready to collect the souls of the corrupt townsfolk, and that the priest is the only one who has the God-given power to save their souls. Tell me that this is Silent Hill and the devil's live in the ash and smoke. Give me a taste of the world and the story, you know?

The story itself sounds like it's got some cool things. Religious themes, volcanoes (I love volcanoes, okay?), confined spaces, countdowns. I like the elements, but there's no hook on your fishing line, so to speak. A bit of rewording and a few more details could sell me.

 

[wordwalker]

What I'm not seeing about the stakes is the cause and effect that's really putting the pressure on the priest.

How can he keep the people alive? A mention or two about crowds rioting, limited food and medicine, and other things that prove they need his leadership to stabilize them would clarify the picture. Likewise, are his "orders" from the Vatican or from some sinister town sage? either one paints a nasty picture.

Most of all, what's the connection between the volcano and the devil arriving? There are at least two (to put it mildly) versions of the devil in fiction, one that can throw power around anywhere he wants and one that's limited by God so he can only tempt. Is this eruption just the first of the devil's weapons in an apocalypse, or a natural disaster that Satan sees as a chance to get 24-day-desperate souls to work with?

It's a fascinating idea, or rather some of the ways the dots connect would make an amazing story. But you haven't made clear how they connect, what the devil or anyone else wants and how the priest can help or stop that (and what he wants to do, or is he even the MC?). Maybe you were trying to leave most of it unanswered, or capture how the priest knows almost nothing about this at first; "the devil arrives on the 24th" has a lot of that, but we still need some of the connections unless you trim this to a very well-planned one-liner.

 

[Raziel]

Thanks for the input..the story is in it's early stages yet (still at the inception point) and I'm just looking for some feedback on making catchy quick paragraphs.

I forgot to mention that the story takes place in 1812 and it's a mysterious woman that gives the priest his orders. Also a sinning Nun is possessed as the generator dies.

All your input is helping though, keep it coming.

 

[Jamber]

Hi Raziel,

On the first read, my eyes glazed. I didn't think about why; the words just didn't connect for me.
On a second read I felt there was a terrific story here, but there was no hook. As soon as I read 'corrupt priest' I switched off. He wasn't someone I could feel anything for, so for me the events didn't matter (let the red rocks rain!).

I feel a more appealing way to rewrite this pitch would be to come at it from the point of view of someone who already has a difficulty of some sort (an orphan? someone who's been shunned by the village but seeks refuge with them? a complete outsider?). You might make this character be the one who perceives the vision in the first place, so the question becomes one of belief (connecting to the corrupt priest's arc, from selfish cynicism to fighting Big Dev). Changing the pitch character doesn't mean you'd have to reconceive the whole story -- it's just a matter of expanding the early point of view slightly to include someone vulnerable and reader-friendly as a hook-character.

As a side note, it's probably also true that to say a volcano 'erupts' reads very flatly, whereas if you sprinkled the paragraph with dire events (ash rain or red hold boulders), the predicament might engage better. Just a thought.

These are just my views; ignore them if they don't work for you.

best wishes,
Jennie

 

[Lord Ben]

I don't think they had generators in 1812. At least not in the modern sense.

 

[Raziel]

I agree

I don't think they had generators in 1812. At least not in the modern sense.

You are right. They probably didn't have them in 1812. I'm new to writing a 'timeperiod' piece. (Thinking alternate history style or something) I like the Steampunk gadgets and world so I was thinking a side character, Simmons, would be the maintenece man of sorts who had the know how to build something equivelent to our generators. Maybe a use of magic somehow, alcohol powered. And built the 'new' church.

Going for a heaven and hell battle with the thought of a line from a famous song

"no angel born in hell
could break that devils spell"

I thought of two siblings being born, one above Earth and one below.
This spawned the idea for the priest and the begining of a world I have called Algeria.

I'm currently handwriting this story. I'll share more of it when I get it to digital from.

(on a side note, just saw 'Jack the Giant Killer' and I gotta say it was the first movie in a while that helped me see that it's how a story is told. Deconstructing movies and shows is a good exercise.)