• Welcome to the Fantasy Writing Forums. Register Now to join us!

Is this a good poem?

Good poem?

  • YES!

    Votes: 4 50.0%
  • NO!

    Votes: 2 25.0%
  • Could be better

    Votes: 2 25.0%

  • Total voters
    8

MeWrite

Acolyte
Any suggestions on this poem?

The rain

The rain is a shield
these gods from above with their
sprinklers,
dipping their gourd into the lake,
creating lighting with horses whips,
thunder with the running armies,
and just as the rain and gods came,
they lighten life,
grow life,
move life,
and soon all that is left is dew.
 
Any suggestions on this poem?

For me personally, it is too matter-of-fact and too direct.

Some things are a matter of taste. I would be fine titling it "The Rain" and then removing all mention of lightning, thunder, dew, and rain in the body of the poem, and just stick with the metaphors. Let the reader work a little bit for it, but make the work enjoyable.

I'd rework the ending lines concerning "life" to make them far less matter-of-fact. Again, give the reader something to do.
 

Karlin

Scribe
As usual, I'll chime in with a translated Chinese poem, from the Journey to the West. The author uses this structure quite often.

Marvelous rain! Truly

Drizzling and sprinkling, Pouring and showering

Drizzling and sprinkling, It’s like the meteors falling from the sky;

Pouring and showering, It’s like waves churning in a sea upturned.

At first the raindrops seem the size of a fist;

In awhile they fall by the buckets and pans.

The whole earth’s o’erflowed with duck-head green,

And tall mountains are washed blue like Buddha’s head.
 
Creating lightning with horses whips, bugs me… the image of lightning is long, snaking, and fast, bringing to mind a bullship. Of course, lightning could shoot from a horse whip, but a horse “whip” tends to be a riding crop or quirt, which buggers my interpretation, heh heh. This could just mean I read too damned many poems as an old English Lit guy, heh heh.

Whether or not it is good depends on its purpose. Is it fine sitting in a novel? Sure.
 

AlexK2009

Dreamer
Hmmm......
Image is unclear (what gods, what is it about), rhythm is uneven, flow poor. line breaks need work.
Title could clue the reader a bit more.

Sorry if this sounds brutal: I try to treat my own work as brutally.
Needs work.



Any suggestions on this poem?


The rain

The rain is a shield
these gods from above with their
sprinklers,
dipping their gourd into the lake,
creating lighting with horses whips,
thunder with the running armies,
and just as the rain and gods came,
they lighten life,
grow life,
move life,
and soon all that is left is dew.
 
Top