Just need opinions

[Giovanni Freitas]

Hey,
Some people here inspired me saying I should not say that I’m not good at something before I’ve tried it. So I’m creatig my own magical world, which I would love to turn into a comic one day. It's still just a sketch but I would like you to give me your opinions for what I have so far.

Here it goes:
The Story is set on fictional terrestrial blue planet called Earth, which includes various Kingdoms (countries).

Countries operate as separate political entities and are all monarchies, ruled by a King who stand as a ruler for the entire country. The countries maintain balance between themselves through nothing but power. Treaties are periodically signed but they are generally not worth much more than the paper they are written on.

The first country I created and that will be the main country is called Pryrus.
Pryrus Kingdom is a country established in the early 9th century. Pryrus is a large island, the largest island in the world, it’s size is comparable to a small country, with several smaller islands surrounding it. It is surrounded by a tall rock wall called the Ocean’s mountain. It’s flag is green laurel wreath with a sixteen pointed yellow stars that represent the sun.

Now let’s talk about magic.
Magic is the transformation of Ch'i into other substances. Magic is used all throughout the world. Ch'i causes all of the world’s narutal occurrences by using the energy it produces. Magic can do various things by giving ceremonial orders to the Ch'i at will. One can cause anything if they give the right orders to the Ch'i. As it expels or combines it causes several phenomena. By using this energy and ceremonial commands certain people can use Ch'i in order to reproduce these natural occurrences, they are called Magicians. The strength you have in using Magic is decided by the quantity of energy you are able to extract from the Ch'i.


There are countless types of Ch'i, and therefore countless types of magic. Yet, Magicians divided it into eight basic types, as well as many sub-types:

1. Heat magic
2. Water magic
3. Curse magic
4. Lightning magic
5. Wind magic
6. Earth magic
7. Strength magic
8. Healing magic

Composite Magic

Composite magic is a type of Magic that is produced from using two types of magic simultaneously.


Aberrant Magic

Aberrant magic is a type of Magic that is produced from using three or more types of magic simultaneously.


Extreme Magic

Extreme magic is a powerful use of a certain type of Magic. It requires more Ch'i than regular Magic and is highly destructive.


Djinn

Djinn are the eight titanic living forms of the eight types of Magic created by Solomon.

The Djinn in order of the eight magic pentagram:

1. Amon, the fire Djinn - Amon resembles a fire breathing dragon with fur.
2. Vinea, the water Djinn - Vinea has the appearance of a snake-like seahorse.
3. Astaroth, the cursed Djinn - Astaroth is a enormous snake.
4. Baal, the lightning Djinn - Baal has the appearance of a bat with dragonic scales.
5. Paimon, the wind Djinn - Paimon resembles a mystic white owl.
6. Zagan, the earth Djinn - Zagan has the appearance of a monster-like baboon.
7. Glasya-Labolas, the strength magic - Glasya-Labolas resembles a fox with crocodilian scales as skin.
8. Phenex, the healing Djinn - Phenex has a bird-like appearance.

History of the Djinn

Long before the founding of the Kingdoms, Solomon, the founding father of the magic, created eight entities, each one related to one of the magic type he had created, they were know as Djinn. Solomon named them and explained them the reason why he created them. They were supposed to teach humans the use of magic and protect them. Solomon and his followers built eight temples in different parts of the world where the entities could live and the worshiped. But the divinities started to understand the true nature of humans. After they learned magic, they started wars between themselves which made the Djinn angry against mankind. They started to destroy everything they could. What was supposed to bring peace and harmony, brought nothing but chaos and destruction. Solomon, old and weak, sealed each one of them in a golden lamp and placed each one of them in their respective sanctuary.


That’s all I have until now. What do you think?

 

[Orc Knight]

It's a good start to it. World building can be an onerous prospect at times. Comes easier to some then others. Run a story or two through it and you can build on that too. As they have a habit of changing the world and your view of it. Still seems like a good skeleton to build off of.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Interesting. And as a Toyota driver naturally I approve - are you going to have a Corona Country too?!!! (I drive a Corona - my sister has a Prius.)

But perhaps of more importance Solomon is a religious figure and his temple of religious significance. So using his name and temple building in a fictional way, may ruffle a few feathers with some. You might want to reconsider his name.

The other thing that occurs to me from what you've written is that combining two types of magic together is composite - which could be considered as good, while three or more is aberrant which would generally be considered bad. Maybe another term such as chaotic which would make sense without including the moral judgemental overtones might be better.

Hope that helps.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[elemtilas]

Hi,

But perhaps of more importance Solomon is a religious figure and his temple of religious significance. So using his name and temple building in a fictional way, may ruffle a few feathers with some. You might want to reconsider his name.

On the other hand, Solomon has been used throughout history to legitimise dynasties (Ethiopia is, before the coup anyway, the Solomonic Empire of Ethiopia); as a source of philosophical consideration (Bacon, Dante); and he also appears frequently in literature (King Solomon's Mines, The Ring of Solomon, Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic; Thousand and One Nights; etc)

 

[Mythopoet]

Hi,



But perhaps of more importance Solomon is a religious figure and his temple of religious significance. So using his name and temple building in a fictional way, may ruffle a few feathers with some. You might want to reconsider his name.

Solomon is used in fiction, especially fantasy, all the time. I've never seen anyone bothered by it.

 

[Firefly]

I think it's an interesting start, definitely. What you 've mostly got right now is a mythology and a magic system and not much else, but it's an interesting magic system, so that's good.
I'm not as worried about the name Solomon being offensive as I am about it being confusing. Seeing it makes my brain immediately start looking for links between him and the biblical solomon, and I'm guessing that's not what you want.

I'm totally for calling the triple composite magic abberrations, by the way-the negative connotation suggests conflict, and it seems like there could be a story there. I'd consider fleshing out why it's viewed badly.

The political situation you've described here is fairly basic, and it strikes me as a little odd that they're ALL monarchies, but I suppose that does happen. I'd just suggest adding more differences among the ones you flesh out. Are the monarchs so powerful, or figureheads? Is it patriarchal or do they have kings and queens? I do like that the treaties don't really matter. That sounds fun.

The biggest gap here is that you don't have much on how the people actually live their lives, or what the world's really like down on a person-to-person level. What do the people think about this mythology NOW? How does the magic affect them?

I'm also wondering how hard the magic is to get, and how many people can actually use it.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

The reason I mentioned Solomon and his temple, was that this plot goes further than I've seen before. Usually when Solomon is mentioned / used in a book, it's just his name as in King Solomon's Mines - which was a mythical North African city if you recall. No temple, no real religious significance other than a name, and as he was an ancient king, it was all fine. Likewise I've read other books that are based around his mythical rings, staff and even djinn summoning writings.

But Solomon's Temple - aka the first temple - burnt down around five hundred years after it was built and then rebuilt as Temple Mount / Al Aqusa Mosque / Dome of the Rock / Herod's Temple - is of massive religious significance to Jews and Muslims and to a lessor extent Christians. This is the home of the Wailing Wall etc, and where just recently massive protests occurred when the Jews tried to move in metal detectors. It's at the heart of the Jewish / Palestine conflict, and its rebuilding as the so-called Third Temple is the basis of end time prophecy.

I'm not saying don't use the idea of Solomon's Temple. But I am saying be aware of the sensitivity of this place.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[elemtilas]

Hey,
Some people here inspired me saying I should not say that I’m not good at something before I’ve tried it. So I’m creatig my own magical world, which I would love to turn into a comic one day. It's still just a sketch but I would like you to give me your opinions for what I have so far.

Okay, some opinions:

First, and overall, this sounds like an interesting setting for a graphic work of some kind.

Here it goes:
The Story is set on fictional terrestrial blue planet called Earth, which includes various Kingdoms (countries).

As a matter of confusion clarification, is this "Earth" as in the present day primary world, or is this a fictionalised or mythologised "Earth", or is this "Earth" of a different, past or perhaps far future history?

My opinion as regards names is that calling your planet "Earth" will elicit certain assumptions and expectation with your readers. If the world isn't our actual Earth, I'd recommend at least considering the use of the native name for the planet (perhaps in the focus country's own language). Kind of like Barsoom in stead of Mars.

Kingdoms are good. Hopefully we'll see different kinds! Twenty four copy-n-pastes of medieval France would get boring pretty quick!

Countries operate as separate political entities and are all monarchies, ruled by a King who stand as a ruler for the entire country. The countries maintain balance between themselves through nothing but power. Treaties are periodically signed but they are generally not worth much more than the paper they are written on.

Are there different flavours of monarchy in this region of your world? Have you considered any of the back story & history of their formation?

Treaties often work that way. They may be little more than declarations of temporary respite. I'm sure every monarch is aware that these treaties are always bogus! But what happens when a particularly honourable monarch comes along and actually expects the other signatories to uphold their end of the bargain?

The first country I created and that will be the main country is called Pryrus.
Pryrus Kingdom is a country established in the early 9th century. Pryrus is a large island, the largest island in the world, it’s size is comparable to a small country, with several smaller islands surrounding it. It is surrounded by a tall rock wall called the Ocean’s mountain. It’s flag is green laurel wreath with a sixteen pointed yellow stars that represent the sun.

Okay. Is Ocean's Wall a literal wall? That is, a huge ring of mountains surrounding the entirety of the Isle of Pryrus as well as its surrounding islands and seas? How does anyone get in or out? (Apart from mounting a climbing expedition!) Or is Ocean's Wall more a ring of jagged islands, reefs and rocks that make navigation nearly impossible?

Now let’s talk about magic.
Magic is the transformation of Ch'i into other substances. Magic is used all throughout the world. Ch'i causes all of the world’s narutal occurrences by using the energy it produces. Magic can do various things by giving ceremonial orders to the Ch'i at will. One can cause anything if they give the right orders to the Ch'i. As it expels or combines it causes several phenomena. By using this energy and ceremonial commands certain people can use Ch'i in order to reproduce these natural occurrences, they are called Magicians. The strength you have in using Magic is decided by the quantity of energy you are able to extract from the Ch'i.

What is the nature of Ch'i in this world? Is it a natural force of some kind? Is it a kind of being? Are the ceremonial orders analogous to spells & incantations of various sorts?

How does one extract energy from the Ch'i?

There are countless types of Ch'i, and therefore countless types of magic. Yet, Magicians divided it into eight basic types, as well as many sub-types:

1. Heat magic
2. Water magic
3. Curse magic
4. Lightning magic
5. Wind magic
6. Earth magic
7. Strength magic
8. Healing magic

Why eight? Is there some cultural or folkloric significance to the number?

Composite Magic

Composite magic is a type of Magic that is produced from using two types of magic simultaneously.


Aberrant Magic

Aberrant magic is a type of Magic that is produced from using three or more types of magic simultaneously.

A couple others have commented on the moral judgement implied by the term "aberrant". Is there in fact an immoral quality to such magics? Are such works particularly destructive or damaging to innocent people?

Does magic become less aberrant the more types you combine or simply ever worse on the scale? It might be interesting to consider a "double composite" magic (that combines four types) and also perhaps "pure compositional" magic (that combines all eight)? Perhaps these would be exceedingly rare and difficult. That highest form might be akin to the idea of sourcery (a kind of Discworld magic), where such a practitioner actually becomes a source of magic herself. Presumably she'd be able to do just about anything, directing Ch'i as she wills with absolute ease.

Extreme Magic

Extreme magic is a powerful use of a certain type of Magic. It requires more Ch'i than regular Magic and is highly destructive.

Makes sense.

Djinn

Djinn are the eight titanic living forms of the eight types of Magic created by Solomon.

Are the Djinn synonymous with Ch'i? Or do they embody Ch'i? Or guard it? Or something else?

The Djinn in order of the eight magic pentagram:

1. Amon, the fire Djinn - Amon resembles a fire breathing dragon with fur.
2. Vinea, the water Djinn - Vinea has the appearance of a snake-like seahorse.
3. Astaroth, the cursed Djinn - Astaroth is a enormous snake.
4. Baal, the lightning Djinn - Baal has the appearance of a bat with dragonic scales.
5. Paimon, the wind Djinn - Paimon resembles a mystic white owl.
6. Zagan, the earth Djinn - Zagan has the appearance of a monster-like baboon.
7. Glasya-Labolas, the strength magic - Glasya-Labolas resembles a fox with crocodilian scales as skin.
8. Phenex, the healing Djinn - Phenex has a bird-like appearance.{/quote]

Is Phenex a simple misspelling of Phoenix (the mythological bird), or a "creative respelling" of the same?

Given that you didn't creatively respell several of the others, I am curious.

Also curious: is your Vinea in any way connected to or just inspired by Leloup's work? Or named after the brand of soda?

History of the Djinn

Long before the founding of the Kingdoms, Solomon, the founding father of the magic, created eight entities, each one related to one of the magic type he had created, they were know as Djinn. Solomon named them and explained them the reason why he created them. They were supposed to teach humans the use of magic and protect them. Solomon and his followers built eight temples in different parts of the world where the entities could live and the worshiped. But the divinities started to understand the true nature of humans. After they learned magic, they started wars between themselves which made the Djinn angry against mankind. They started to destroy everything they could. What was supposed to bring peace and harmony, brought nothing but chaos and destruction. Solomon, old and weak, sealed each one of them in a golden lamp and placed each one of them in their respective sanctuary.


That’s all I have until now. What do you think?

Very interesting history there! Even if your primary story takes place many years after this time period, I could easily see a series of shorter stories centering on Solomon and the aftermath of those terrible mage wars!

OPINION: two thumbs up! Go forth, o geopoet, and bring a bit of wonder into our lives!