Looking for advice on a writing style.

[Will]

Last night... well, very very late last night/early this morning, whilst fidgeting with a really vague story idea of mine, I happened to stumble upon a pretty random writing style. One which I have never tried before, usually my writing being pretty bland and straightforward. I blame the tiredness at the time. I won't lie, at the time I thought it seemed ok, now however I'm not so sure. I'm tempted to finish a page or two before judging it. I will paste an opening paragraph here, would appreciate some feedback on how it reads? Smooth, hard, not worth the effort? Etc. You'll understand what I mean. Thanks.

The morn began like any other recent. Sun rising in the eastern, moon setting at the western. Devan Blacke, a young man of a sprightly disposition sprung from his resting place, dispelling the last bedtime's sleep from his eyes as he moved. Before facing the day ahead, a quick visit to the family washroom. A scrub of the teeth with paste, consisting of ground charcoal and sage leaves, followed by a scrub of the face, neck and body with washcloth and bucket, half filled with slightly chill fresh water. A glance upon the mirror reassured him that his beard had a couple of days growth left in it before having to worry about smartening. His hair, a different matter entirely. Thick and straggled, the only solution apparent to tie a length of cloth around it, forming a stub ponytail. Dressing in workable duds, his thoughts could now turn hungrily to breakfast.

The chapter/scene would then continue with the young man heading downstairs for breakfast, with a days work on his mind, only to be met with the news he is being drafted into a royal army, of sorts, to his and his family's dismay. Forgive me but the story is very vague right now.

 

[Lawfire]

I would have to see more before passing judgement. So far, it is different, though not unreadable.

However, content wise, I am from the school of thought that a story should start off with a bang. I would skip all the waking and morning rituals and start with the news. A life changing letter, a crying mother...something needs to get going quickly in order to grab my attention. This may be even more important if you are trying a new style.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I'm okay with the content, but the style reads as though written in a whimsical way. If you intend the character to be somewhat light-hearted, that's okay, but if it's a more serious character or setting or scene, I'd like some weight put on something. However, I enjoy the light opening and feel like by using the different style, you are speaking volumes about the character. I hope I got the right feel from it. I'll feel bad if this guy is not what I pictured.

 

[coolstoneman]

It's not bad, actually. It does have a somewhat unique, appealing style. I think that if it was my own story, I would plan on eventually, having a more exciting section of the story to start, and then "flash back" to this morning when he is waking up. That seems to be what alot of stories do, but that's because it gives you the ability to start your novel with a more exciting beginning, thereby increasing the chances that you can "hook" your reader, keep his interest. But I do like the unique descriptive style.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Honestly I don't care for it. The first two sentences are awkward to read. Too many adverbs for such a short piece of work & a morning routine isn't very gripping.

On the other hand, I applaud your experimentation. Although I don't personally care for it as it stands, that doesn't mean with some refinement it might become something interesting.

 

[Alex97]

Can't really decide whether I personally like this style or not. I think with a lot more work it could be quite good and original but it could also become really tedious to read if done badly.

As far as an opening goes I have to agree that something more exciting would be better in order to hook the reader. Maybe if you write a bit more in that style it would be easier to jusge since this is only a small extract although I think if an entire book was written in this way it might feel like a heavilly descripted list.