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Lump List Dilemma

I'm writing from my protagonist's POV. For the most part, he feels detached from people at large. They act almost as if he is invisible. And no, he is not imagining it. There are, however, 5 people in his life that he feels truly see him. I'm trying to write this reflection in one paragraph, but I feel it is quickly becoming unwieldy. It seems unnatural, but it is key to understanding his situation. I tried writing it in multiple paragraphs and somehow that was even worse. Anyway, I have posted the excerpt below. I would appreciate any constructive feedback.

"Some days Trevors felt as if he were losing his mind. It didn't help that most people treated him like he was all but invisible. He could count on one hand the number of people he felt saw him, really saw him. There was his mother, but she was a liar and looked at him with such sad eyes. Then there was Brother Aldrik, his teacher, who had fed Trevors' hungry mind all the knowledge it could hold and that turned out to be quite a lot. Wildlife Warden Ganderlane had taken an instant liking to Trev and had taught him to track, hunt with a bow, work trap lines and survive in the wild. He smiled fondly as he thought of Moralyssa Ovidia, the little neighbor girl who had adopted the Elvinians as her second family. She was the little sister he and his brothers had never had. Last but not least was Oz, his oldest and dearest friend. Oz had rescued him from the Tarsvelt brothers on their very first day of school together. If Oz hadn't been there, those three bullies would probably have beaten him black and blue. He and Oz had been best friends ever since."

I still have one character to add to this list which is Trevor's best friend, but as I said, to me it is feeling, unwieldy. Or is it? I went back and finished it. Still need feedback, I feel kind of bogged down in this paragraph.
 
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pmmg

Istar
My rule is, when writing the rough, get it down and don't look back. If i was to edit this, i would put it more in my own voice.

I think its a little wordy and unpolished. But nothing here would make me feel i could not make it pretty in the editing process.

Is the warden a female?

I tend to think of it as making a picture. The rough is nothing more than pencil marks on the canvas. Editing is when the paint comes out.
 
My rule is, when writing the rough, get it down and don't look back. If i was to edit this, i would put it more in my own voice.

I think its a little wordy and unpolished. But nothing here would make me feel i could not make it pretty in the editing process.

Is the warden a female?

I tend to think of it as making a picture. The rough is nothing more than pencil marks on the canvas. Editing is when the paint comes out.
Yup, you're right. I should leave it for now. You know Wildlife Warden Ganderlane is a guy, but It might be a whole lot more interesting if she was a woman. Oh, I think this is a great idea. Writing old Ganderlane as a woman is such a fun idea.
 
No she is more like a grandmother figure. LOL If only I had been blessed with such a cool grandmother. I was, what was commonly known as, a tomboy. As for the love interest, completely as capable as Trevors in all these areas, she will undoubtedly want to know where he learned his outdoorsy talents.
 

pmmg

Istar
I took a stab at this, and came to realize that this is one of those sentences that can be punctuated a hundred different ways. Maybe others would like to give it a go.

Some days Trevors felt as if he were losing his mind. It didn't help that most people treated him like he was invisible. He could count on one hand the number of people that saw him, really saw him: his mother, a liar who looked at him with sad eyes; Brother Aldrik, his teacher; Warden Ganderlane, who had taken an instant liking to him and taught him about wildlife; Moralyssa Ovidia, the little sister he and his brothers had never had, and Oz, his oldest and dearest friend. Oz had rescued him from the Tarsvelt brothers on their very first day of school together. If Oz hadn't been there, those three bullies would probably have beaten him black and blue. He and Oz had been best friends ever since.
 
I took a stab at this, and came to realize that this is one of those sentences that can be punctuated a hundred different ways. Maybe others would like to give it a go.

Some days Trevors felt as if he were losing his mind. It didn't help that most people treated him like he was invisible. He could count on one hand the number of people that saw him, really saw him: his mother, a liar who looked at him with sad eyes; Brother Aldrik, his teacher; Warden Ganderlane, who had taken an instant liking to him and taught him about wildlife; Moralyssa Ovidia, the little sister he and his brothers had never had, and Oz, his oldest and dearest friend. Oz had rescued him from the Tarsvelt brothers on their very first day of school together. If Oz hadn't been there, those three bullies would probably have beaten him black and blue. He and Oz had been best friends ever since.
This is definitely a more succinct approach. Neat and compact. It loses a few hints and broader bits of information, but I can probably find better ways for those to surface someplace else in the story. As for punctuation, not today my dear, my brain is running on fumes. The caffeine wore off long ago and it is way past time for me to put fuel in the Unicorn's tank. Supper, please. LOL But you have my gratitude, I think putting it into an actual list is what I was trying for. :jawdrop:(y)
 

ThinkerX

Myth Weaver
Introducing several characters in short order like that can be tricky. It can very easily lead to confusing the reader, overwhelming them with names.

My short-term suggestion: keep on writing.

Longer term: Ask yourself if these characters need to be introduced all at once like this. If they don't, then break it up and space it out.

Start with Trevor's feeling of being invisible. Give examples of that - somebody walks right into him. He gets left behind somewhere because nobody realized he was there - or so it seemed to him. Maybe elaborate a bit on the bullies.

Then get into the exceptions - each character gets a paragraph or three.

Trevor leaves the house - and his mother straight-out lying to him about something - which he knows.

Have Trevor get into an academic discussion with Brother Aldrik - maybe show off a piece of scholarship.

Actually visit the Trapper.

And so on.
 
Where in the story is the paragraph, and what are you trying to achieve with it? That matters very much to what to do with it.

If you're just adding a bit of color to the protagonist, then it's good enough. It can be tightened of course, or made to flow better, but that's just polish.

If the story is about your protagonist never being noticed by anyone except these few people, then I agree with ThinkerX and you could almost spend the entire first act just setting it up and showing it to the reader. Have random people act like he's invisible, and have these few people pay attention to him (each with their own quirk). It will be stronger that way then when you just tell your reader about it.

Same with the location in the story. If this is your first paragraph, then I would personally rethink it and replace it with something where your protagonist is actually doing something. Few readers like to start a story which begins with just a list of names. And if they are like me then they will forget three quarters of those names by the end of the paragraph, simply because the names don't mean anything to them yet. If it's after a few chapters then it matters a lot less.
 
Without surrounding context it's difficult to judge. In essence, it can work. Writers do this kind of thing all the time. Isolated, it feels clunky, in context it might flow right on through. My basic take without additional info is that I'd rather introduce the idea of the 5 people with or without introducing #1 and then to count them off as the reader meets those characters or encounters their importance to their life if they aren't physically met.
 
So what's Trevors's problem?

I read this paragraph and think, Trevors is so lucky, that these five people care about him so much and he knows it. If I had five people I could feel that much love from, I would feel very fortunate.

But it sounds like you're trying to make the reader feel sorry for Trevors. Listing the good things in his life, those five people who see him and care about him, doesn't do it. Instead, show rather than tell. Show Trevors's interactions with other people, where he feels ignored, and perhaps genuinely is ignored. Repeat that throughout the story. Intersperse that with his interactions with these other people: his mother, his teacher, his mentor, his surrogate sister, his best friend. Let the readers discern for themselves that Trevors has better relationships with them than with anyone else.

I'd also question, based on this paragraph, whether Trevors is really being ignored and mistreated by everyone but those five, or just feels he is. What kind of relationship does he have with his brothers? The reference to the neighbor girl as "the little sister he and his brothers never had" makes it sound like he and his brothers function as a unit. Therefore, they must be getting along more than not. He must feel connected with them as well. If he didn't, if he were the odd one out and his brothers picked on him or just plain ignored him, he wouldn't feel he shared his relationship with the neighbor girl with them. Maybe she'd be his friend or maybe she'd be his brothers' friend, but she wouldn't be both. If she were his friend, he'd feel possessive of her, and not want to share that relationship with his brothers.
 
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