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National Tell-A-Joke Day

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Steerpike, Aug 16, 2019.

  1. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Moderator

    It's today, apparently. Let's see what you've got. Here's mine:

    A lawyer, a Hittite, and a Priestess of Bast are traveling a cross-country on foot, exploring places off the beaten path. One evening a tremendous thunderstorm strikes and sends them fleeing for shelter. The trio find an old farm house with a small barn nearby. There is a light on inside the house.

    They knock on the door of the house and a grizzled farmer answers. The three explain their situation. The farmer is moved, but explains he only has two spare bedrooms. “This is a holy house, so I can’t have any of you doubling up. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

    After some discussion, the Hittite graciously offers to sleep in the barn and disappears in that direction with a blanket and pillow. A short while later, as the farmer is climbing back into his own bed, there is a knock at the door. The farmer goes back downstairs to find the Hittite there.

    “I’m sorry,” says the Hittite, “There is a pig in your barn. I consider those animals unclean and I am not comfortable sleeping near it.” The Priestess of Bast, overhearing from her room, emerges and offers to take the barn.

    Not long after she leaves, as the farmer is just pulling the covers up to his chin, there is another knock at the door. The farmer groans and throws off his covers. He goes back downstairs. The Priestess is there.

    “Apologies. There is a dog in your barn. Such an animal is the mortal enemy of the cat and reviled by me. I cannot sleep near that beast.”

    The lawyer, having overheard this time, emerges. “I’ll take the barn. I don’t have a problem with animals.” He trudges out into the rain and everyone goes back to bed.

    Not five minutes later, before the farmer can even get fully back into bed, there is a tremendous banging on the front door. Cursing, the farmer goes back downstairs and flings the door open. Standing there are the pig and the dog.
    Hir i-Chorvath, Ankari and Devor like this.
  2. pmmg

    pmmg Auror

    I never remember jokes, and the ones I was told as a child are very off color....

    However: One from the daughter....

    Two muffins are baking in an oven. One leans over to the other and asks, "Hey, is it getting warm in here?", and the other screams "Ahhhhhhhhh, A talking muffin!"

    And from the boy--who is more witticisms.

    Remember, you are special and unique, just like everybody else.

    Working with mirrors is something I could really see myself doing....

    And... People are often shocked at how bad of an electrician I am.

    Oh, another one from son.

    What did the pirate say with the ships wheel got caught in his belt?
    "Arrrr...Its driving me nuts!"
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2019
  3. Yora

    Yora Maester

    A missionary in Africa gets attacked by lions. He runs away and is chased up a tree, and the lions are surrounding him, jumping up to claw at his legs.

    And the missionary starts yo pray: "Dear Lord, please make that these lions are good Christians!"

    And suddenly the lions stop clawing at the tree, lie down, and put their paws together.

    Then the oldest lion starts speaking. "Please, Lord. Be with us and bless this meal you provided for us."
    blondie.k likes this.
  4. Devor

    Devor Fiery Keeper of the Hat Moderator

    I might regret this:

    Three men walk into a bar....
    The woman ducks underneath it.
    blondie.k likes this.
  5. T.Allen.Smith

    T.Allen.Smith Staff Moderator

    My favorite kid joke.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Interrupting Cow.
    Interrupting cow-

    Youngins love it, but past 12 and you’ll get nothing but eye rolls.
    Devor likes this.
  6. Devor

    Devor Fiery Keeper of the Hat Moderator

    This is one of my favorites with the kids. Wil Wheaton told it in an episode of Tabletop (I'm sure it predates him):

    What's a pirate's favorite letter?



    (It only works if you try to answer it yourself.)


    You'd think so, but their true love is the "C."
  7. pmmg

    pmmg Auror

    At the funeral of her husband, a widow asks her husbands best friend if he will say a few words to eulogize him, but the friend says he only one word to say. She invites him to speak anyway and when stands to speak his says only the word, ‘plethora’ and then sits back down. The widow holds back tears and says ‘thank you, what you said means a lot.”
  8. Yora

    Yora Maester

    I am also pretty sure this is international.
  9. CupofJoe

    CupofJoe Myth Weaver

    Astronaut A: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
    Astronaut B: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
  10. Hir i-Chorvath

    Hir i-Chorvath Inkling

    I haven't heard this one in a long time and I don't remember all the details but this is it best as I can remember.

    A little girl runs up to her dad and shows him a PB&J cracker. "I made this for you." She tells him and after he eats it she asks "Do you want to know how I made it? " "Sure. "
    "I took some peanuts, chewed them up and put them on the cracker then I took some strawberries, chewed them up and put them on the cracker then I gave it to you! Do you want another? "
    "No, but I'm sure your mother would love one. "

    The best part about this one is that it really happened.
  11. Devor

    Devor Fiery Keeper of the Hat Moderator

    I didn't post this before because it's a classic and part of me assumed everyone knew it. But here it goes:

    A girlscout, a priest, a politician, and the smartest man alive are waiting in the back of a small plane when the engine goes out. The pilot comes back from the cockpit, puts on a parachute, and tells them:

    "Everyone. This plane is going down. There's nothing I can do. There are three parachutes for the four of you. You'll have to figure that out yourselves."

    He opens the door, jumps out of the plane, and parachutes to safety below.

    The politician is the first to grab a parachute, saying, "It's obvious I have to live here. National security depends on me continuing with my work."

    She jumps out of the plane and parachutes to safety.

    Next the smartest man in the world steps forward. "I have to live," he says, "because I'm working on several important technological breakthroughs, everything from curing cancer to space travel, to reinventing the modern flamethrower."

    He throws on a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

    Finally the priest looks down at the girlscout. "Of course you're the one who has to take the parachute," he says to her. "I'm an old man and you have your whole future ahead of you."

    The girlscout shakes her head. "No father, there are still two parachutes left."

    The priest answers, "But how is that possible?"

    She smiled.

    "Because the smartest man in the world took my backpack."
    blondie.k and Hir i-Chorvath like this.
  12. blondie.k

    blondie.k Minstrel

    Q: What did the astronaut say when he found bones on the moon?
    A: "The cow didn't make it."
    Steerpike likes this.
  13. Zander Willmore

    Zander Willmore Minstrel

    Here is a joke

    What do German pilots eat for breakfast.

  14. pmmg

    pmmg Auror

    Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes?

    So, when they return, they can Scandinavian.
  15. Yora

    Yora Maester

    "Captain, have you noticed that you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
    "Aye... It's driving me nuts!"
  16. yoffi

    yoffi Scribe

    With help from a native speaker - translating these from a Lithuanian comedian and localizing into English:

    I put 10 euros on the table when the wind was blowing and then I turned around. When I turned back, the 10 euros were gone, and the wind was gone too.

    I was chatting with a girl in a bar. She was a 32DD. And that was just her head.

    If an ant can lift 1000x their own body weight - you can send 100 ants to bring back a bottle of vodka.

    The ugly step mum decided to make fun of Cinderella, so she asked her to separate the flower from the cocaine.

    In Colombia, when you build a snowman it's worth 5million dollars.

    I just ate a tin of sprats and drank a pint of milk. So, should I wash the strawberries before I eat them, or not?

    What do you call a Georgian crossed with an Armenian? Giorgio Armani
  17. yoffi

    yoffi Scribe

    Sorry, I'm always late for things.

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