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Need Help! Does this sound proper?

Discussion in 'Writing Discussions' started by MorbidMonster, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. MorbidMonster

    MorbidMonster New Member

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    Hi, I am currently writing a poem, I know it's not a fantasy story but it could be classified as a fantasy poem in a way, but I will post the whole poem and I'm wondering about the last line, if the last line sounds proper. Thank you. :)

    Achievable
    They were the reason I aimed for happiness,
    It was for them I yearned to make blithe,
    But my efforts were wasted and I was left penniless,
    My mental state fell from 100 above to a mere transcendent writhe.

    Yet as my mortal heart swept my feelings into an orbit,
    I began to understand how humans adapt to their environment,
    That Sunday night I realized my intentions had all been euphoric,
    Even though I wish to hate them, my feelings are still ambivalent.

    Tonight, I ride for achievable dreams,
    Their thoughts distant yet still too near,
    All their accusations recorded on reams,

    -Victoria Marks


    Hopefully you have some ideas, thanks!
     
  2. spectre

    spectre Sage

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    Grammatically and literarily it's fine and makes sense. Were you thinking proper in another way?

    "The eye that sees cannot see itself."
     
  3. skip.knox

    skip.knox toujours gai, archie Moderator

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    I can't agree with spectre. I see cases of strange word choice. To stick with the original question,

    First, who are "they" in the final stanza? Dreams? Grammatically that's how the sentence works. so we have dreams with thoughts and accusations. Finally, these dreams, thoughts or accusations are recorded on reams. A ream is a unit of measurement, so it's like saying they are recorded on parsecs or milliliters.

    There are other issues, but the author did not ask for the poem to be dissected. In brief, no I do not think "ream" is the right word.

    Then again, poems are meant to move and speak to individuals. spectre was fine with it, so the author is currently batting .500!
     
  4. spectre

    spectre Sage

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    Well, reams of paper is what I got and "who" is implied. Batting 500

    "The eye that sees cannot see itself."
     
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