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Of Anxieties and Returnings

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by DMThaane, Jul 6, 2017.

  1. DMThaane

    DMThaane Sage

    So I'm back after a long hiatus from posting here, not that I was ever the most active for reasons that will largely be explained by the end of this post. At the end of last year I was formally diagnosed with a severe social anxiety disorder, although it's a condition I've been suffering from my entire life. Soon afterwards there was a government review of people on disability and the mental busyness of coping with that caused me to drop a number of things from my life, this site included. After that I started taking medication for my anxiety, a grand six month experiment that further delayed me getting involved with anything and that I have recently ended. After therapy and medication at various dosages my anxiety issues are as bad as they have ever been.

    Still, pessimistic and cynical I may be but I will never be a defeatist. I may not be able to resolve my anxiety problems but I refuse to let them keep putting my life on hold. Posting this is the first step in getting back involved here and posting with my usual irregularity and this is just one of the steps I'm taking. Not a new beginning, perhaps, but forward motion nonetheless.

    I've always hated talking about my anxieties. I don't want to be judged by them, to be graded softer because of them or set against a softer standard, but if there's something I've learned these past six months it's that this disorder may always be with me and hiding it or refusing to talk about is just another way of letting it restrict me. I do have to struggle against something most people never will, in terms of severity, at least, and it's time I started trusting people to be able to treat me as a person who has anxiety as opposed to fearing they'll see me as an anxious person. And if people judge me softer for it so what? I'll always have my own impossible standards to fail against and that will always demand that I improve.

    Refusing to trust people and refusing to take responsibility can form a powerful sort of protection but if you grow too much as person it becomes quietly stifling. I've known that for a while but it's time I took it to heart.
    DragonOfTheAerie and Nimue like this.
  2. Steerpike

    Steerpike Felis amatus Moderator

    Welcome back, DMThaane. Feel free to post as frequently or infrequently as you like, with no worries in that regard. I know anxiety can have a significant impact on day to day life. It's good that you're posting again.
  3. Ban

    Ban Sir Laserface Article Team

    Welcome back you mysterious, irregularly present helmet-person.
  4. Monday, I wanted to send a text to someone I've been building a friendship via text with about hanging out irl sometime. I ended up crying on my bed.

    Tuesday, I typed the message but then just stared at it until i got a stomachache.

    Wednesday, I sent the text but when aforementioned friend replied my hands were shaking so hard I had trouble typing a response.

    Some other things that have happened lately: Had to skip Krav Maga (which, I have to psych myself up to go almost all day, but actually skipping is rare.) Struggled to decide on a brand of cereal, then panicked and snatched the nearest box because I thought the people nearby were judging me. Was terrified to tell my mom about a completely innocuous and really rather unimportant thing that happened to me.

    I recognize that these things don't make sense. But that doesn't make it easier to breathe.

    All that to say: you're not alone. There is no shame in suffering from an anxiety disorder. It is not a reflection on your character or your strength. My anxiety is related to a much larger variety of things than social situations (though lately that has been the most part of it) but I relate. Some people may judge but at least I won't because I know the strength it can take to go about day to day activities and interact with people who are important to you when you are affected by anxiety.

    (P.S. I also relate to your struggles with medication; I was medicated some years ago, but it never helped. It's a pain, I know.)
  5. Nimue

    Nimue Auror

    Thaane, I'm sorry you've had such a hard time... No matter how much or little you're able to participate, I'll always be glad to see your face around here. You have a great voice and strong writing skills--I hope I can read something from you soon. All the best.
  6. DMThaane

    DMThaane Sage

    Thanks. I've read you're posts before and there were certainly a number of things that read quite familiar to me. Ideally none of us would have these problems but there's always something comforting in knowing another person understands. As harsh as my condition is, it is, at least, predictable and I've been able to structure a lot around it. I also don't have any panic aspects to my anxiety and having helped another person with those panic responses I've seen how harsh they can be. I wish I had answers but so far all I've managed are strategies. Good strategies help, though, and they're always open to refinement.

    The dumbest thing is how confident, logical, and emotional stable I usually am. I lost my entire favourites list recently, the whole thing just deleted itself. I was annoyed for half a day, maybe, before I just shrugged it off and rebuilt the parts that mattered. I can talk through problems, analyse them, resolve them. I want something to happen and it usually happens. But you tell me to call in a pizza or answer a door and I can't do it. I'm a good conversationalist but I can't bring myself to talk to a stranger. Sometimes I feel like someone's RPG character they got a little too enthusiastic at min-maxing. Anxiety and reasonable self-expectations are my dump stats.

    Technically it's a vaguely creepy helmet but it's appreciated, Nimue, as always. It'll be good to see you're perspective on things again as I usually find it a nice contrast to my own. I may not always post but I always consider and value what I read.
    DragonOfTheAerie likes this.
  7. Nimue

    Nimue Auror

    Ah, see, you have the disadvantage of having rped with me, so I know that under that helmet is Loke's grinning face, dragon tats and all. And if you don't like that, well, you'll have to let me read something with another characterrrrr...

    Mm. Feeling this. Could add a few--I have a lot of dump stats.

    But I'm glad you're feeling momentum. Deciding to move forward is an accomplishment in itself, and you'll never run out of chances to do that. I know that dealing with anxiety is a constant process, and I hope you find something that works a little better, and something that works even better after that.

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