Questions that come up when editing for a non-native speaker

[Feo Takahari]

As I've mentioned elsewhere, I've been editing a fanfic written by a Swedish fellow. Because he's not entirely familiar with English, he often uses sentence constructions that make me wonder "Is this grammatically incorrect, or is it just unusual?" Sometimes, I get so mixed up I can't tell what's right and what's not, so this is a general thread to ask about those issues.

To start with: one of his characters gives another character a "lick on his neck." He often mixes up "on" and "to," so I pondered which one applied in this case. A touch is on something, as is a pat, so I'm leaning towards on. But a punch is to, and so is a gesture (even if the gesture is a pat; see Affectionate Gesture to the Head.) Is there a general rule for this? Which one applies in the case of "lick"?

 

[CupofJoe]

For me...
"lick on his neck" would suggest something intimate, soft and gentle, even erotic.
"lick to his neck" would be something a lot less soft and gentle but possibly more humorous, maybe like a dog licking someone... or siblings trying to annoy/wind up each other...
I would prefer to use "lick his neck" and then the context should the suggest how that lick was given and why.
Unless it is a random drive-by neck licking and that would be a new level of weird...
There is the added complication, if your Swedish fellow is writing American and not English... a "lick" can mean a physical blow - you can give some one a licking... beat them up. I've also heard and seen it used as the results of the beating, the bruises and marks.
[That anyone can write in a second [or more] language impresses me. I know too many people that can't do it in their first...]

 

[Caged Maiden]

Honestly, if I were editing this, I'd read for context, as in if it's in a fight scene, it's probably a punch, or if it's an intimate scene, you'll just have to judge... My point it, I'd edit heavier than just removing the "on/to". Sometimes, editing requires a little more of a rewrite than literally changing one word. You have to translate for intended meaning and frankly, "His friend gave him a lick on the neck" reads awkward and begs to be edited into something an English-speaking person will understand.

 

[Feo Takahari]

I didn't expect the answer would be neither! The full sentence is "Spike could swear the sentence was punctuated with a light, affectionate lick on his neck, but Rainbow distracted him before he could process it." Personally, I'm rather partial to the phrase "light, affectionate lick"--it has a charming feel to it. I can think of a few ways to suggest rewriting that would remove both "on" and "to," but they would all result in a sentence that would only flow properly if either "light" or "affectionate" was cut. Do we really have to halve the light affection?

 

[Caged Maiden]

Wow... I'm still confused about context. So what's happening in the scene? I'm really confused...

I'm reading that two people are talking very close in proximity to each other and whilst one is speaking, they lick the other one? If that's what is going on... I'd leave it the way it is, or completely change it. This isn't a simple (+/-) a word call. The thing that sticks out as more obtrusive is guessing what some sensation was, naming it, and then saying he didn't have a chance to process it. Sorry I'm no help.

I'd keep the sentence as is because it reads fine. If you were inclined to really revamp it and keep the meaning you prefer (as do I), I'd consider:

"A pause invaded her sentence, punctuated with a light, affectionate touch that left a wet spot on his neck. Before Spike could make sense of why she'd licked him, she was already..."

Hope that inspires you. This is a tricky one because you always want to remain true to author voice but on the other hand, you are translating, too. Sometimes it's just not an easy choice and you have to think about what benefits the author more, because they are your true client.

Best wishes!

 

[Feo Takahari]

He's decided to go with "on." Thanks for the advice!

Question two: multiple times in this story, a character has struck a pose to show off his or her muscles, boobs, or other attractive physical traits to another character, but has tried to do so in such a way that it's not obvious he or she is posing--that is to say, his characters try to look like they're behaving naturally while behaving in an artificial and calculated way. The author has repeatedly tried to find a concise way to describe these, e.g.

He struck a small pose and stretched his wings out to their limit before he spoke.

Another attempt, which he's since revised away, called one of these a "subtle pose," since it's a subtle detail that the character's posing rather than acting naturally. None of the attempts have quite gotten across what he's going for. Is there any concise way to describe that in English?

 

[Trick]

In context, his word choice is beautiful. Out of context, it's nonsensical. If he refers to arms as wings prior to this seeming metaphor I would breeze by it without realizing the depth of perception and still be affected by his prose. If he doesn't give any precursors to this kind of sentence, I'd be lost. I guess I'd have to read a lot more of his work to give a real judgement but since you're reading it in full I'd say base every confusion on context. The language barrier is a huge challenge and it is impressive that he is trying to conquer it.

However, don't kill any unique prose that can even remotely work in English. The rarity of great language without purple nastiness might be conquered by someone who writes English as a second language. You might be reading that author as I type this. And wouldn't that be a wonderful experience.

 

[SineNomine]

Well, I'd call that posturing or preening. But I don't know how often you can use those before it gets old. Probably a good bit if you mix them up with occasionally actually describing it and occasionally being more concise when you know the specific actions a character is likely to take when they specifically are the ones posturing.

 

[Feo Takahari]

If he refers to arms as wings prior to this seeming metaphor I would breeze by it without realizing the depth of perception and still be affected by his prose.

Actually, he's referring to the magical wings the character just summoned. (For a bit more context, he's showing them to a character who has natural wings, and who's never seen him use this sort of magic before. He manages to get her jaw to drop.)

 

[Svrtnsse]

He's decided to go with "on." Thanks for the advice!

Question two: multiple times in this story, a character has struck a pose to show off his or her muscles, boobs, or other attractive physical traits to another character, but has tried to do so in such a way that it's not obvious he or she is posing--that is to say, his characters try to look like they're behaving naturally while behaving in an artificial and calculated way. The author has repeatedly tried to find a concise way to describe these, e.g.

I'm hard pressed to think of a quick and easy way to describe someone posing while pretending not to pose. If I were to do it myself I'd try and show off some certainty/uncertainty or other action that shows they're posing while trying not to show it off. It'd also matter whether they pull it off or not, in the eyes of those around them.

Cartoons and comedy often do this kind of thing. A character strikes a pose trying to pretend it's all natural even though it isn't. You see the pose they make, then you see how they cast a glance (often nervous) at the person they're trying to impress and then you see the pose again.

Perhaps something like that could be used:

He stretched his wings out to their limit, shot X a quick glance to make sure she'd noticed, and started to speak.

That still feels a bit stilted though so I'm not sure I'd go with it.

Maybe instead:

Smiling nonchalantly, but with his wings stretched to their limit, he waited a moment before he spoke.

I can see where the "small pose" comes from though. It's like it's a pose that's not really a pose because it's barely noticeable. Kind of like "do a little dance".


EDIT:
I think that for the reader, it will always be obvious that the character is posing. The challenge lies in showing it in a way that it comes across as if no one else has noticed, while still showing the poser in a good/pleasant light. I think posing in general is often seen in a negative light as it's something that can be perceived as fake/insincere.

 

[Feo Takahari]

This is a little one. Both options are grammatical; I'm just not sure which is better. As written:

The mood in Pinkie’s room had been at an all time high as the girls regaled each other with the various things that had happened through the day with Spike. Then Twilight told the story of the morning.

(For reference, that morning, Spike considered leaving town to escape his problems, and Twilight talked him out of it.)

I considered a slight change:

The mood in Pinkie’s room was at an all time high as the girls regaled each other with the various things that had happened through the day with Spike. Then Twilight told the story of the morning.

In one form, the scene effectively "begins" with Twilight talking, but has a brief recap of the other girls talking. In the other form, the scene effectively "begins" with the other girls talking, but zooms through that in just one sentence. Which is better?

 

[Feo Takahari]

My Swedish non-native speaker is busy right now, so I'm instead editing for a Danish non-native speaker. I guess I have a type. Anyway, I've turned up a sentence that I have no idea what to do with. For context, the viewpoint character is winning at a war-themed board game, and her nerdy friend is about to lose:

The counterattack would make her squirm like a worm... Like a bookworm! HA, Rainbow applauded her own wits quietly.

Is there an issue with that last sentence? If so, what's the issue? It feels weird to me, but I can't figure out an appropriate correction.

 

[Philip Overby]

It feels like it's kind of ham-fisted. Like maybe saying after a joke, "Get it?" That's the only thing I'm seeing.

 

[Noma Galway]

I think the weird feeling might be coming from the adverb being on the end of the sentence. "Rainbow applauded her own wits quietly" vs. "Rainbow quietly applauded her own wits." The word "own" also seems unnecessary to me. However, I kind of like the sentence as is.

 

[Mythopoet]

Sounds fine to me.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Can I just suggest that with the Twilight story line there's an wakward tension in the sentence. The first sentence is too long by two words - the "With Spike" is too much and confuses the sentence. It makes me ask the question - are they talking about their time with Spike, or are they talking with Spike about their time. I'd move it to the next sentence.

I'd also go with the "was" rather then the "Had been" as the had been implies a greater tension together with the "then" - Specifically if the mood had been good, then Twilight chatted about Spike, it implies directly that it changed presumably because of what was then said. Whereas if the mood was good then Twilight chatted about Spike, it' not so clear that the mood has changed. Unless that's the purpose - to say then it changed after the mood had been good because of mentioning Spike.

Also you don't regale yourselves with things. You regale yourselves with stories.

So I'd write it:

"The mood in Pinkie's room was at an all time high as the girls regaled each other with the various tales of things that had happened through the day. Then Twilight told the story of her morning with Spike."

NB: Also "things that had happened through the day" is awkward to read now that I've written it. I'd probably go with "the events of the day."

NB: I changed "the morning" to "her morning" (which may be contextually innaccurate) simply because I think she's telling her story not trying to tell the most fantastic(?) story. (If I told the story of the morning it would be sort of implied simply by the "the" that it was the best story or the one that stood out most.)

But a lot of this may be voice and context rather than clarity.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Penpilot]

The counterattack would make her squirm like a worm... Like a bookworm! HA, Rainbow applauded her own wits quietly.

Is there an issue with that last sentence? If so, what's the issue? It feels weird to me, but I can't figure out an appropriate correction.

There's nothing really wrong, but if this were something I wrote, I would say this is a place where there's an opportunity to show instead of tell. Without context I can't be 100% sure, but if this were my work, I'd try an adjustment along these lines. I'm going to take a few liberties since I don't know the opponents name or how the game works, so I'm just going to make something up to illustrate my point.

Rainbow suppressed a smile as Sue moved her piece into place. The counterattack would make her squirm like a worm... Like a bookworm!

Now there are many options on what you could do to adjust the last line here are few that I'll spit ball. Feel free to use what you like or toss it all into the trash.

If anyone else were here to witness, they'd leap to their feet and applaud.

OR

Rainbow reached for her piece, and the smile bled from between her lips. Victory was within her hands. She thumped the piece down hard. Who's wits were superior now.

OR

Rainbow leaned back in her chair and clasped her hands behind her head. She intended to savour this moment. But soon, the master of wits would be ready for her applause.