Quick wording problem

[BWFoster78]

Here's the paragraph:

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

Question:

In the last sentence, should it be "there" or "here?" I keep changing it; neither sounds right.

Bonus question:

I added in that last sentence, and I like what it reveals. It doesn't flow correctly, though. Any thoughts on how to fix it?

2nd Bonus:

At the end of his count, he still could not force himself to drink from the bottle. He set it on his small oak writing table. “Of all the stupid things I’ve done, this is absolutely the dumbest. It could kill me.”

He looked at his bed, then back at the bottle, then at the bed again. “Radiation take it!” Seizing courage with both hands, he grabbed the mixture, threw his head back, and chugged it down. His face screwed into a grimace. The elixir tasted fouler than the tonic Master Rae gave school children he suspected of feigning illness.

The question is:

Do you hate "radiation take it" as a curse? I want the swear words to match my world, and, long story, the radiation both fits well and gives a bit of a mystery. Kinda like why are we talking about radiation in the middle of a fantasy novel?

Is it too distracting? Does it sound corny?

 

[Caged Maiden]

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

Okay so for your first question, it depends on POV. If we are in his head, then maybe here would be better than there, but I would keep it as there. For me, that's how I write, third person limited, right? Anyways, I like it as it is.

Second question, all I would do to change this is give a reason. Such as: The simple perfect order of the items, lacking that chaotic feel of the Diwen's (whatever or whoever that is, sorry, I'm trying to do this as well as I can), and somehow, that brought him a little comfort.

Hope that helps!

 

[BWFoster78]

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

Okay so for your first question, it depends on POV. If we are in his head, then maybe here would be better than there, but I would keep it as there. For me, that's how I write, third person limited, right? Anyways, I like it as it is.

Second question, all I would do to change this is give a reason. Such as: The simple perfect order of the items, lacking that chaotic feel of the Diwen's (whatever or whoever that is, sorry, I'm trying to do this as well as I can), and somehow, that brought him a little comfort.

Hope that helps!

3rd person limited is correct, and that helped a bunch. BTW, I added an edit with another question at the bottom. Thanks again!

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

To me it's a question of where the character is when thinking about this place.

Is he in the room? If so then it's "here".

Is he elsewhere but thinking about the room? If so then it's "there".

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

As far as the "radiation" curse goes, I found it confusing. That's not saying that with a little context it wouldn't work but in this limited context I didn't understand it was even a curse.

 

[BWFoster78]

To me it's a question of where the character is when thinking about this place.

Is he in the room? If so then it's "here".

Is he elsewhere but thinking about the room? If so then it's "there".

He's in the room.

 

[BWFoster78]

As far as the "radiation" curse goes, I found it confusing. That's not saying that with a little context it wouldn't work but in this limited context I didn't understand it was even a curse.

I was afraid of that.

If it were more contextually identified as a curse, do you think it would come off as corny? That's my biggest fear.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Really hard to say without actually reading it all. My advice is to roll with it. Give it a whirl & experiment.
If it doesn't work you'll know at critique time. Then you can change it in revision.

You'll never know if something will work if you don't try it....

 

[Caged Maiden]

That is a harder question. Upon first read, I didn't take it for a curse, instead thinking he was speaking about magic or science in some way, so this would probably read better in the context of your world, where this concept has been introduced. If I were to step in a mud puddle and say, "Thor's beard!" people would probably assume it's a curse because Thor is recognized as a god, even if the person overhearing doesn't worship him. Radiation is a different type of concept, one without a mainstream connotation, if that's the right way to convey what I'm trying to say, and it would make more sense in the context of the story. However, once I knew it was a curse, I didn't hate it, just accepted it as it was, because his mannerisms are consistent with someone who is fighting against their own better judgement and swears at caving in.

 

[Steerpike]

You might come up with a shortened word instead of radiation. For example, rads are units of ionizing radiation, so you could try "rads take it." I think the shorter word fits better as a curse; makes it more punchy. You might hate that particular word, but you get the idea.

 

[ThinkerX]

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

To me, the first sentence looks awkward. A possible fix might be

'...rows of baskets and glass canisters of all sizes filled with an impressive variety of plants...'

Second sentence:

'This place felt like home.'

(all that is needed).

He looked at his bed, then back at the bottle, then at the bed again. “Radiation take it!” Seizing courage with both hands, he grabbed the mixture, threw his head back, and chugged it down. His face screwed into a grimace. The elixir tasted fouler than the tonic Master Rae gave school children he suspected of feigning illness.

The question is:

Do you hate "radiation take it" as a curse? I want the swear words to match my world, and, long story, the radiation both fits well and gives a bit of a mystery. Kinda like why are we talking about radiation in the middle of a fantasy novel?

Ah...we be talking some sort of 'post apocalyptic' world.

So...yes, 'Radiation' would work - sort of.

Given the length of time that must have passed, changes to the language and all, I would suggest going with some sort of bastard contraction of 'radiation' - maybe some version of 'rads' or 'badrads' or 'rad-death'. Bonus - the more superstitious/backwoods types would have charms to ward against the 'rad-death demon', which might even be potrayed as demonic figure in places.

 

[BWFoster78]

You might come up with a shortened word instead of radiation. For example, rads are units of ionizing radiation, so you could try "rads take it." I think the shorter word fits better as a curse; makes it more punchy. You might hate that particular word, but you get the idea.

I like this idea a lot. Thanks!

 

[BWFoster78]

To me, the first sentence looks awkward. A possible fix might be

'...rows of baskets and glass canisters of all sizes filled with an impressive variety of plants...'

Second sentence:

'This place felt like home.'

(all that is needed).



Ah...we be talking some sort of 'post apocalyptic' world.

So...yes, 'Radiation' would work - sort of.

Given the length of time that must have passed, changes to the language and all, I would suggest going with some sort of bastard contraction of 'radiation' - maybe some version of 'rads' or 'badrads' or 'rad-death'. Bonus - the more superstitious/backwoods types would have charms to ward against the 'rad-death demon', which might even be potrayed as demonic figure in places.

I agree the sentence needs work.

You and Steerpike shared a brain on that last comment. I lilke rads a lot. It helps a bunch with the sentence. Radiation sounds really awkward in context.

Not post apocalyptic, it's straight fantasy, but one of the mage types has the ability to create nuclear explosions. There was a war that wiped out a lot of cities, helping to make magic users quite unpopular. I want to make references to the devastation without being in your face about it.

 

[gavintonks]

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

I find the image of glass and baskets and plants lumped together the problem

he loved the neat rows of different sized glass canisters, stacked on the rough hewn boards, between the baskets of various herbal plants, the order of the items made him feel more at home here than at Diwens.

 

[BWFoster78]

He loved how the neat rows of glass canisters of all sizes and baskets filled with all manner of plants lined the roughhewn boards. Every item had its place. He felt more at home there than at the Diwen’s.

I find the image of glass and baskets and plants lumped together the problem

he loved the neat rows of different sized glass canisters, stacked on the rough hewn boards, between the baskets of various herbal plants, the order of the items made him feel more at home here than at Diwens.

I agree. I also think I'm trying to cram too much information into one sentence. I'll work on breaking that long one up.

 

[ThinkerX]

Not post apocalyptic, it's straight fantasy, but one of the mage types has the ability to create nuclear explosions. There was a war that wiped out a lot of cities, helping to make magic users quite unpopular. I want to make references to the devastation without being in your face about it.

Again, though, some of the more backwoods/superstitious types are going to credit that kind of destruction not to a human magician, but a malevolent demon. Might want to think about including that element in when your MC is in a really backwards place - or close to the scene of such past destruction.

Hmmm...now that I think about it, there are issues with 'fantasy nukes' - the immediate biggie being 'just how do the characters know what radiation is in the first place'? combined with 'how do they know it is so dangerous?' Radiation usually takes sophisticated instruments to detect; and for somebody without those instruments - or at least a modern context - damage from radiation can easily be mistakenly attributed to something else. In a fantasy world, radiation poisoning would be seen as some sort of disease or curse - an aftereffect of the 'fantasy nuke', rather than the major part of its cause.

 

[Caged Maiden]

You know, I run into this problem often. I've done a lot of historical research in my life, and I have a hard time balancing things in a fantasy world that is largely medieval. On the one hand, I keep some social structures, but I have to make medicine more advanced, like modern field medicine, knowledge is advanced, people understand that bacteria and parasites make you sick, but hospitals don't have the technology that we do today. I just can't have people thinking that madness is caused by rocks in their heads or that leeches or cupping are legitimate medical treatments for ailments...by that same token, radiation is a hard thing to detect, and I agree with the above, though on first reading it, it didn't occur to me.

 

[Lawfire]

Question:

In the last sentence, should it be "there" or "here?" I keep changing it; neither sounds right.

Do you need either one? It reads fine to me without. Grammar is not my strongest area, however.

 

[gavintonks]

any person who works with auras can see radiation you do not need a geiger counter. driving in namibia where the hills are full of natural uranium glow at halflight juts before sunset, people knew about magnetic lode stone and many other properties of rocks, animals and plants so radiation is just another natural phenomena

animals are living very happily and healthy in chernobyl - radiation is not alien to the earth it is natural, an over exposure in a cave etc would clearly show the burning and tumors associated with intense exposure to radiation and also provide a cure. just because we need tools does not mean a person living in harmony with their environment does.

the same explanation for gu powder or how the egyptians made glass, or chinese and japanese porcelain these are all issues that require technology and science are where developed far beyond our capabilities with supposed modern technology because we do not 'feel' for things anymore

 

[gavintonks]

sorry gun powder who would dream od scraping white powder off a cave wall and mix it with sulpher to make a bang and then enclose the explosion to make a projectile and use paper to make fireworks?