Sharing My Fantasy Novel: City of Immortality Seeking Feedback and Discussion

[mahmoud]

Hello everyone,
I'm excited to join this amazing community of fantasy writers and readers!
I’m currently working on a fantasy novel titled City of Immortality. It’s a blend of epic fantasy, mystery, and a touch of dark magic. The story follows Ryan, a wanderer who discovers a cursed desert city where time is frozen, and the souls of its inhabitants are bound by a powerful sorcerer. As he unravels the secrets of the city, Ryan is drawn into a battle that could either doom him or set everyone free.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the concept, and I’m especially open to constructive feedback on:
The plot and worldbuilding
The characters’ depth and motivation
Whether the mystery element adds enough tensio
Would anyone be interested in reading a chapter or two? I'm happy to share excerpts for critique.
Looking forward to your insights!
Best,
Mahmoud

 

[Undeadwar22]

I think its really good. I love the thought put behind it

 

[mahmoud]

Thank you so much! That truly means a lot to me. I'm glad you enjoyed it there's a lot more to come, and I’d love to hear your thoughts as the story unfolds!

 

[minta]

Your story sounds interesting, best of luck with it!

 

[mahmoud]

Thank you so much! Your support means a lot to me. Would you like me to share some excerpts from the novel with you?

 

[minta]

Sure, I’m interested

 

[mahmoud]

I’m not sure if the forum’s policy allows me to share a link to parts of the novel or not. Can I send them to you for evaluation?

 

[pmmg]

Generally, you can post snippets and chapters in the 'critique requests' section, or the 'story showcase'. These may not be open to you, as you may have fewer than 5 posts.

You are, however, free to make any arrangements you like for sending it to individuals.

 

[ThinkerX]

Hello everyone,
I'm excited to join this amazing community of fantasy writers and readers!
I’m currently working on a fantasy novel titled City of Immortality. It’s a blend of epic fantasy, mystery, and a touch of dark magic. The story follows Ryan, a wanderer who discovers a cursed desert city where time is frozen, and the souls of its inhabitants are bound by a powerful sorcerer. As he unravels the secrets of the city, Ryan is drawn into a battle that could either doom him or set everyone free.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the concept, and I’m especially open to constructive feedback on:
The plot and worldbuilding
The characters’ depth and motivation
Whether the mystery element adds enough tensio
Would anyone be interested in reading a chapter or two? I'm happy to share excerpts for critique.
Looking forward to your insights!
Best,
Mahmoud

Two bits to keep the tension:

First, give the MC a motive for going to this city - like a missing family member or a cure for a disease affecting somebody he cares about.

Second, give him a deadline, or better yet, more than one. If he spends too much time in the city, he falls victim to the curse. Or maybe his missing family member falls victim to the curse. Another possibility would be somebody elsewhere who has imposed a deadline on the MC - 'bring me this within a month or I will ruin you.'

Also, other outsider characters, such as the mystic who has almost figured out what is going on, a scavenger who knows much of the city but who cannot be trusted, and a descendant/relative of the wizard responsible for the curse.

 

[mahmoud]

Great idea, and I’m really glad you came up with it! But in my story, Ryan is the main character, and his main motivation for entering the city is mystery and exploration.
He discovers that entering the city is easy, but escaping it is impossible because of the curse of immortality. He also finds out that immortality is possible but only if you don’t get burned!
The most exciting part is that when he entered the city, he found a girl named Alex, who had been missing for many years… and the rest is a very thrilling story full of secrets and struggle
s.

 

[minta]

Can I send them to you for evaluation?

Yes, you can send them

 

[mahmoud]

Yes, you can send them

Introduction
Whispers in the Sand
The desert night was not silent.
It breathed.
Winds carried ancient murmurs, voices long buried beneath layers of forgotten time. The stars watched like distant gods, unmoving, unblinking. witnesses to fates lost and yet to be written.
A lone figure moved across the dunes.
Not running. Not walking. Drifting.
The sand resisted each step, as though trying to erase his presence, unwilling to remember one more story of sorrow. Above him, the moon bled silver over the landscape, revealing nothing. and everything.
Then, as if summoned by thought alone, a city appeared.
It rose from nothing. No sound, no tremor. just existence. Tall columns etched with fading glyphs, gates that stood like sentinels, walls that pulsed with something not quite alive, yet far from dead.
He stopped.
Not in fear. In recognition.
Something about this place pulled at the edge of memory, like a dream he had once lived but had long since forgotten. His hand brushed against a carved stone, and it hummed softly beneath his touch. an ancient heartbeat beneath cold granite.
A whisper drifted through the air.
Not a voice. A feeling.
And though he did not yet know his name, or why he had come, he understood one truth

 

[minta]

I really like the description of the city. You’re building a beautifully mysterious atmosphere, but I’m having a hard time feeling the presence of the MC. I’d like to get more of a sense of how he feels in that moment.