The Endless Hunt: Season 2, An Explosive Island

The Love Boat?

I must've been completely off my cracker to have agreed to take this assignment. There's absolutely no chance of any real danger threatening this old ship. I'm not even sure who it is I'm supposed to be protecting.

My employer simply handed me a large bag overflowing with gold argents and said: "Keep an eye on my little girl."
I looked into the bag, trying not to squeal like a teenaged girl. Then I asked: "What's her name? What does she look like? What cabin is she staying in?"

My employer shrugged and replied: "Well, er...you see, I've never actually met her."

"What?" I asked, incredulous. "How's that even possible? You're her mother!"

"Well, I mean, sure, I gave birth to her,"the girl's mother replied, a guilty look on her refined face, "But I didn't raise her. That's what nursemaids and the rest of my husband's staff were for. I mean, by Bouldergut's Hammer, breastfeeding? Changing diapers? Teaching them things? Ughhh!"

I didn't even bother responding to that. I simply grabbed my duffel bag and boarded the ship.

Even though the Captain and I go way back, and were quite good friends, I was still pleasantly surprised at how nice my stateroom was. After unpacking and safely stowing my gold, I donned my weapons, specialized armor, my travelling clothes and cloak.

From that point on I began patrolling the ship, keeping an eye out for trouble. I have to say that I'm very troubled by the male to female ratio. I expect a fight to break out any minute. Well, no matter. If something happens, I'm ready.

And now, as I look around, the only real threat I can see is Ultimus Manimus, the famed gladiator. He arrived just before the ship got underway: his large retinue of beautiful women in tow, fawning over him like he was Adonai's gift.

He seemed completely indifferent to them, however they all packed themselves into his cabin, the largest on the ship, and have yet to come out.

It's nice to be out to sea again. The fresh salt air is cool, taking the bite out this hot, sunny day.

As I walk onto the main deck, I'm quite taken aback to see Manimus, clad in frightenly tight shorts and shirt, leading a large group of young men in some odd form of exercise.

All the girls are by the bar...looking bored and drinking heavily.

 

Reaver

Well, now. What have we here? Some sort of pirates? At last! A little bit of excitement in an otherwise mundane assignment. Someone up there is smiling down upon me. Perhaps I should try to communicate with them:
"You there! Drop your weapons and I'll spare your lives!"

No response, other than stupid looks at one another.

Oh well, more's the pity. I move toward them with my usual speed and agility, drawing my runic blades from their scabbards. Methinks they weren't expecting someone like me to be aboard this "pleasure cruise".

They never do.

"Manimus!" I say as calmly as I ever could, "Quit wasting time with those two idiots and protect the women!"

The gladiator nods and grabs the two buccaneers by their heads, smashing them together before trotting over to the bar.

 

Manimus

My name is Ultimus Manimus and I am a slave.

To fashion!

I mean, have you seen all the trends I've started? It's not easy being a paragon of war, physical fitness and fashion..all that makes a REAL man a REAL man. What can I say? The men hate me because the women love me. I mean, sure, women are no good for doing my workout routine, but they're great for lots of other things. You know what I mean.

So I end up with a week's "vacation" on this cruise ship because I won it as a prize in my last match. Some prize. This place is a total sausage festival. No, I mean that literally. Have you been to the buffet? It's fabulous!

Not long after I got on board with my ladies, we immediately got to my stateroom and got-it-on. You know what I'm sayin'? Oh yeah. Then it took us like...forever to get my hair and face design just so. No! It's not make-up, smart guy.

It's a cover-up to hide a blemish. Yes. I know, I know. It's hard to believe that someone as perfect as me has any imperfections at all...but I do. Adonai help me, I do.

I was totally bored now, so I decided to put on my workout clothes and get my swoll on. I told the girls to stay in the cabin. Let's face it, I wore 'em out. They could barely stand, let alone walk. Pretty easy for a man like me.

After I got up to the top deck, I saw a bunch of dudes talking to these girls, trying to get in their pants, of course. But the second those lovely ladies saw me, it was over.

The guys were naturally jealous, of course. They were all like: "Aww...Manimus. We're totally jealous.
You're like the sexiest guy ever. We don't have a chance with these chicks now that you're here. Can we like, work out with you? Please? We all want to be as hot as you."

I was like: "Whatever, dudes. If you think you can hang with the Ultimus. Who wants to hold my feet while I do my warm up stretches?"

We were only a few minutes into my patented Freakin' Ultimate Dude Gladiator Exercise for Professional Army Cadet Knights Expecting Results, when some weird looking dudes wearing absolutely crusty-looking pirate clothes (I know! Can you believe it?) crawled over the railing and started barking orders at me.

Then I saw my old friend Reaver. He told me to quit messing with the pirates and protect the ladies. So I smashed their heads together and ran over to the bar.

Reaver was all like: "Right on, Manimus! You kick ass, dude!"

I was like: "Thanks."

 

REAVER


I laughed with glee as the pirate's heads exploded into a shower of blood, skull fragments and brain matter after Manimus slammed their heads together. However, my bliss was short-lived the moment I had to turn my attention back to their fellow privateers.

I decided to step onto the plank, thus giving them a good look at what they faced should they decide to continue with their foolish pursuit. As much as I would relish slicing these poorly organized fools to ribbons, I thought it might be best to at least try to appeal to their limited sense of reason:
"Who is master among you fine men?"

"Who are ye' ta be askin' who are cap'n be?" one of the dregs queried. He appeared to be better dressed than the others and a bit cleaner...less stricken with scurvy.

It was painfully obvious that this moron was their leader. No matter what they chose, his head was going to be my trophy.
I hate it when people answer my questions with a question.

"Why, I'm Reaver, of course."

There was a chorus of loud whispering and harumphing as the motley crew talked among themselves.

 

MANIMUS-

So I'm like standing by the bar and the chicks are totally hangin' all over me, which is like totally cool and all, but I'm like: "Oh no! My buddy Reaver just fell off the boat!"

Everyone was all like: "Oh No! Manimus! You gotta save that dude, or something."

I was all: "No doi, people. Chill out. I got this under control. Hey you, the little dweeb behind the bar, hand me those barstools before I cram 'em in your cram hole."

The little dweeb was like: "Yes, sir! Here you are, sir. Thank you for speaking to me."

I totally ignored the dude and took the stools from him. I set 'em down and made out with this super-hot babe who was hangin' all over me. But I had to stop before my friend Reaver drowned like a pair of dirty jeans in the wash.

"Sorry babe," I said to the totally hot babe, "I have to save my friend Reaver before he drowns like a pair of dirty jeans...in the wash."

The babe was all like: "Oh, Manimus. You're so awesome. Reaver is so lucky to have a friend like you."

I was like: "Yeah. I know."

Then I went over to where Reaver took the header and looked down. He was splashing and kicking, trying to keep his head above water. He said something like: "Oh, thank Adonai for you, Manimus! You're the greatest man who ever lived!"

I was like: "Yeah. Thanks. Tell me something I don't know."

Then I threw the two barstools into the water right next to him. Those bastard pirates were going to pay for tossing my buddy Reaver into the drink. I ran onto their ship and began ripping off their arms, legs and heads.

When I was finished, I noticed that Reaver still needed help staying afloat.

He was all like: "Help me, Manimus! I still need help staying afloat!"

I dove into the water to give him a hand.

 

REAVER-

As I expected, those idiotic pirates made the wrong choice and decided to go on the offensive. My runic blades quickly dispatched the first two, sending their heads tumbling through the air. The surprised look on their faces as they cascaded down into the crystal blue water was priceless.

Much to my disappointment, I was only able to dispatch a baker's dozen before the unpredictable sea swelled violently, causing the pirate ship to lurch suddenly. The peg-legged captain gave an odd yelping sound as he stumbled forward and collided with me, his ungainly mass knocking me overboard.

Fortunately, my martial-arts training allowed me land in the warm, clear sea somewhat gracefully; and once I gained the surface, I quickly stowed my runic blades in their scabbards. Despite my skill as a swimmer, my armor had soaked up quite a bit of the salty liquid and had increased in weight significantly, making it incredibly difficult to stay buoyant.

As I struggeld to tread water, I heard a great commotion coming from the ships above. I barely had time to process what was happening when I was nearly knocked unconscious by two wooden barstools that someone had tossed at me.

At first I thought it might have been one of the pirates who'd thrown them, a vain attempt at retribution for the bloodbath I'd unleashed upon his shipmates. But just then, the gladiator Manimus looked down at me and smiled; giving me a thumb's up before he leapt onto the pirate ship with a scream the likes of which I'd never heard.

I took hold of the two barstools, pulling them close to me. They made excellent flotation devices, allowing me to rest my burning muscles. The sound of snapping bones and screaming pirates rained down from above for several minutes before it finally stopped.

Then, much to my horror, Manimus stepped to the edge of the pirate ship and made several dramatic poses as if he were preparing to dive in to save me.

"No!" I yelled at the fool, "Manimus! Go and get a rope! Don't dive in!"

But my words fell on deaf ears. With a grace that belied the gladiator's massive size, Manimus dove in.

Now what were we going to do?

 

REAVER-

With the warm, fast moving undercurrent pulling me toward the not too distant shore and no hope of returning to the ship because the idiot gladiator had jumped into the water, there was no choice but to quite literally "go with the flow". In retrospect, this was quite fortuitous, because I yearned for the excitement of the unknown adventures that lay ahead.

As I kicked toward shore using the barstools that Manimus had nearly taken my head off with, I tried not to laugh as he dog-paddled next to me, sputtering and whining in the gently bobbing water. At one point I offered him one of the stools, but he flatly refused, stating that he was just fine.

It took us about twenty minutes to reach the shore. Had I not had to drag Manimus' flailing, spasming bulk the last thirty feet, it would've taken half that time. Once his feet touched the sand, he prostrated himself, kissing it and thanking Adonai with a loud, tearful prayer for giving him the strength to rescue me.

Directly in front of us was a large, dense-looking jungle, comprised of very tall, coconut-laden palm trees and berry-filled shrubs. I immediately recognized them: baneberries. Very sweet, semi-toxic fruit that caused mild hallucinations in anyone who ate them.

I also noticed a large plume of smoke rising up from the other side. The possibilty of fire meant someone-or something awaited us there. But that didn't seem all that important to me at that particular moment.

"Manimus," I said, trying not to laugh, "You look absolutely famished. Have some of those berries. They're delicious."

The gladiator didn't even hesitate. He dashed toward the closest bush and started wolfing them down by the handful.

"By the Android's Shining Red Feather," he exclaimed with a berry-stained smile, "These are absolutely divine!"


Within minutes, the gladiator stopped his feasting and dropped his arms to his sides, staring blankly at something that only he could see. "Woah," he said in quiet wonderment, "I can't believe it!"

"What is it?" I asked, unable to stifle a chuckle.

"The Unicorn King," Manimus replied matter-of-factly. "He's glorious."

Before I could respond, the muscle-bound fool darted into the jungle. I cursed myself for having such a dark sense of humor.

 

MANIMUS-

So like, after I totally kicked those pirates' asses, Reaver was all like: "Save me Manimus! I can't swim!" And all the babes on the other boat were all like: "Yeah! Please save that poor old dude! He's like drowning and stuff!"

So I was like: "Okay." And I dove in the water next to him. When I got to the surface, Reaver was all like: "Oh, thank you, Manimus! I was like, totally going to drown. Even with this barstools I can't, like, stay afloat."

I was like: "It's okay, dude. Relax. I'm going to get us to shore."

Reaver was all like: "Cool! Can I like, hang onto you? You're like the strongest man in the world and like, you can totally pull the ship if you wanted to, so I know that it won't be a problem for you to pull me to shore."

I was like: "Whatever, dude. Let's go."

So I grabbed ahold of Reaver and I pulled him to shore. The whole time he's all whining and stuff. Thankfully it only took us like two minutes to get there. When we got there, Reaver was all crying and kissing the ground and stuff. It was really pathetic, but hey...I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

There was like, a huge jungle with like tall trees and bushes in front of us and Reaver was all like: "Those bushes have berries on them! Ohhh...I'm like starving but I don't know anything about wilderness survival. Can we like, eat those?"

I'm like: "Doi...of course we can, dude. Haven't you ever seen island blueberries before? But, like, let me eat some first to make sure they're ripe. You can like get totally sick if you eat ones that aren't ripe."

Then, like...I ate some, but like...there must've been some sort of weird magic spell on that island 'cuz I don't remember anything after that...