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Thread: Opinions on a short story

  1. #1
    Member Ruru's Avatar
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    Opinions on a short story

    Hi all. I'm looking for feedback on a short story I have just completed. It was written as part of one of Thinker X's Top Scribe challenges. I've taken the feedback I got there and given it an edit. Now I'm keen to hear what others think!

    Its about 4K words, in my portfolio here:
    https://mythicscribes.com/forums/por...s-journey.html

    Feel free to give feed back in this thread, or PM me.

    Here's an extract


    Jason Stanwick sat glumly in the bilge water of his ship. Well, boat. Alright, it was a dinghy with a sail on it, but it was his and he was proud of it. Or rather pleased. It was okay.

    Let’s be honest, he thought, sucking on the end of his grey beard. It doesn’t even float. He looked over the side, a few inches down to where the sand of the beach held his craft in a little cupped cradle. Purple mud crabs picked at the seaweed growing on the hull.

    Absently, Jason bailed some of the most recent high tide from the bottom of the dinghy, digging out the sand beneath with broken nails. Poking a finger through one of the holes in the side, he craned his neck to look up at the jetty towering above him.

    It was busy up there, with people stacking cargo for loading on the next tide. Near to the edge, a matronly woman waved down to him, a basket on one arm.

    ‘How are you today, Mr Stanwick?’

    ‘I’m well, thank you Matilda,’ he called back, smiling. ‘Just working on the old girl, you know how it is.’ He patted the tiller fondly, and the end fell off.

    Up on the jetty, Matilda paused.

    ‘I’ve got someone here who would like to see you Mr Stanwick, is that okay?’

  2. #2
    Junior Member R Snyder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ruru View Post
    Hi all. I'm looking for feedback on a short story I have just completed. It was written as part of one of Thinker X's Top Scribe challenges. I've taken the feedback I got there and given it an edit. Now I'm keen to hear what others think!

    Its about 4K words, in my portfolio here:
    https://mythicscribes.com/forums/por...s-journey.html

    Feel free to give feed back in this thread, or PM me.

    Here's an extract


    Jason Stanwick sat glumly in the bilge water of his ship. Well, boat. Alright, it was a dinghy with a sail on it, but it was his and he was proud of it. Or rather pleased. It was okay.

    Let’s be honest, he thought, sucking on the end of his grey beard. It doesn’t even float. He looked over the side, a few inches down to where the sand of the beach held his craft in a little cupped cradle. Purple mud crabs picked at the seaweed growing on the hull.

    Absently, Jason bailed some of the most recent high tide from the bottom of the dinghy, digging out the sand beneath with broken nails. Poking a finger through one of the holes in the side, he craned his neck to look up at the jetty towering above him.

    It was busy up there, with people stacking cargo for loading on the next tide. Near to the edge, a matronly woman waved down to him, a basket on one arm.

    ‘How are you today, Mr Stanwick?’

    ‘I’m well, thank you Matilda,’ he called back, smiling. ‘Just working on the old girl, you know how it is.’ He patted the tiller fondly, and the end fell off.

    Up on the jetty, Matilda paused.

    ‘I’ve got someone here who would like to see you Mr Stanwick, is that okay?’
    It's good. Relaxed and conversational.

  3. Thanks Ruru thanked for this post
  4. #3
    Senior Member psychotick's Avatar
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    Hi,

    Just looked at the extract you provided. It looks good. Some grammatical niggles, nothing major.

    I'd make the next sentence after sucking on his grey beard part of the same sentence to make the first clause and it match inthe one sentence.

    Next I think you mean absent-mindedly.

    Also for this para it's a little unclear what you mean. You bail with a bucket normally, so do you mean he first bailed and then he started scooping out the sand? Also the next sentence poking the hole and looking up are two distincly different actions. It doesn't make a lot of sense that he did them both at the same time. There's something missing. Eg he heard a noise and looked up.

    Next "just working on ..." should be a separate sentence from "you know ..."

    Last I'd change the punctuation on the third last para to "... patted the tiller fondly - and the end fell off!" It adds a little impact for the surpise.

    Hope that helps.

    Cheers, Greg.

  5. #4
    Maybe english is not my native language. So I might be wrong here. But I think it should be

    You are writting: Near to the edge, a matronly woman waved down to him, a basket on one arm.
    I think it should be: A basket in one arm. ?

    I like the shortness in the text too btw.

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