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Recommendations?

Rkcapps

Sage
This sentence is bugging me but I can't think how to change it. Any recommendations?

FYI, my MC is in a tree and there's snow on the ground.

"Fingers devoid of sensation gripped the tree but she didn’t feel them. "
 

Butterfly

Auror
RUE - Resist the urge to explain... - This mantra serves us writers well.

You're saying something and then explaining it, basically telling us the same thing twice in one sentence.

Fingers devoid of sensation - she didn't feel them.

Perhaps cut the explanation bit and change the sentence to...

Her numb fingers gripped the tree.
 
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CupofJoe

Myth Weaver
RUE - Resist the urge to explain... - This mantra serves us writers well.

You're saying something and then explaining it, basically telling us the same thing twice in one sentence.

Fingers devoid of sensation - she didn't feel them.

Perhaps cut the explanation bit and change the sentence to...

Her numb fingers gripped the tree.
I do like that^
You could even go down to
Numb fingers gripped the tree.
if it match stylistically.
But there is always a chance to go purple [and I love purple...]
The chill settled into her flesh, her bones, her soul. She fought to catch her breath, each feeling like her last. A mystery that eluded her touch. Only through her eyes did she know she held on to a Birch tree.
 

Penpilot

Staff
Article Team
What are you trying to convey with that sentence? If it's just that her fingers are numb because it's cold, then IMHO keep it simple. Butterfly's suggestion of "Her numb fingers gripped the tree." does the job just fine.
 
But there is always a chance to go purple [and I love purple...]
The chill settled into her flesh, her bones, her soul. She fought to catch her breath, each feeling like her last. A mystery that eluded her touch. Only through her eyes did she know she held on to a Birch tree.

That doesn't read purple to me. Well, maybe the sentence about mystery comes close to being purple. Otherwise, this is the sort of writing I like to read.

To reinforce the relationship of the numbness to the temperature, and focus on that, I might revise to:

[Edit: several edits later...]

The chill settled into her flesh, her bones, her soul. She fought to catch her breath as though each could be her last and struggled to maintain her grip. Only through her eyes did she know she held on to the Birch tree; the cold had robbed her fingers of all feeling.

Not really sure what to do with that second sentence, heh. But for a revision of the OP's original sentence, I'd simply go with the last sentence here or some variation:

Only through her eyes did she know she held on to the Birch tree; the cold had robbed her fingers of all feeling.

I love your choice of pairing the need for sight to compensate for the lack of feeling in her fingers.

Edit, again:

The chill settled into her flesh, her bones, her soul. She fought to catch her breath as though each could be her last and struggled to maintain her grip. The cold had robbed her fingers of all feeling.

The bedeviling thing is that any step into the turbulent waters of revision could leave the swimmer swept away; he might end up on any coast, struggling for breath. :D
 
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Rkcapps

Sage
Thanks, guys, that definitely helps :) I see the telling now. I'm normally quite conscious of it but clearly I still need break the habit. I knew something was wrong, thanks for showing me :)
 
Hi,

I think you've got your subjects mixed up. You're really trying to tell the reader that she couldn't feel her numb fingers? Seems sort of redundant. Or that because her fingers were numb she couldn't feel the branch? If the latter your sentence would be: Fingers devoid of sensation gripped the tree, but she couldn't feel it.

Cheers, Greg.
 

K.S. Crooks

Maester
Perhaps make the focus on the act of climbing and have the cold and lack of sensation be the reason:
With her hands devoid of sensation, she can only tell she has a grip on the tree by watching her fingers curl around sections of bark.

Her fingers occasionally slip, as their numbness make it difficult to grip the tree.
 

Demesnedenoir

Myth Weaver
"A mystery that eluded her touch. Only through her eyes did she know she held on to a Birch tree." would give me a good chuckle if I read it in a book. I'd wonder if the author was a contortionist on the side.

Complex or simple, keep it straight forward, add visual details. I hate to give it too much thought, but here's a quickie example of what I might play around with if going long with this.

Icy wind gusted, the tree swayed, and her gut clenched as she felt as if falling. Flakes of birch bark fell shredded from where she clung to the tree, proof she wasn't falling, proof of her death grip despite numb hands.

And that could be trimmed and manipulated. But, it'd be a good starting place for me.
 
Her gut clenched the nearest branches, taking over where her fingers, numbed by the cold, had failed. For the first time in her life, she thanked the heavens for her Krasue heritage and her human father who had seen the beauty in her mother.

Icy wind gusted, the tree swayed, and her gut clenched as she felt as if falling.
 
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Alyssa

Troubadour
She clung to the tree, cold-numbed fingers pressed tight against the bark. A stray gust threatened her perch, she gripped on tighter. Another breath of wind; the bark cracked and split beneath her grip, and still she couldn't feel her fingers.

She couldn't feel her fingers!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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Aurora

Sage
This sentence is bugging me but I can't think how to change it. Any recommendations?

FYI, my MC is in a tree and there's snow on the ground.

"Fingers devoid of sensation gripped the tree but she didn’t feel them. "
She gripped the tree, her fingers numb with cold.

She gripped the tree, her fingers numb from the cold.

*Keeping it simple is best imo.
 
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