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Tragedies too close together?

Trick

Auror
So, in my WIP the MC's mentor-type character just died. He's on his way to exact revenge on the one who betrayed the mentor and he will do exactly that. However, once he returns home (I'm thinking it'll be about two days after the mentor's death) he will find his mother dead, brutalized quite terribly, and his little sister will be physically unharmed but very much so psychologically damaged, to the point she has gone catatonic.

This will send him into a downward spiral that ends in prison.

Are these tragedies too close together or is this just fast pacing?
 

Steerpike

Felis amatus
Moderator
I don't think it is too close together. You can certainly make this work, though my one question is how much set up there is for the second tragedy. If there's none, then you may have a greater shock or surprise value, but I suppose some readers might see it as more random and contrived to get you to your end point (downward spiral and prison). If it is shocking, but in hindsight the reader can see some hints leading up to it, I don't think there's a problem.
 

Trick

Auror
I worry about the same. To me, his mother's death makes perfect sense, obviously. I know who the guilty party is but the point is for the MC to have no idea and to later suspect the wrong person and this is the keystone of the plot. My only justification for her death is that they live in a crime-ridden society and his father was murdered at the beginning of the book (by a cop of all people). Also, it's been made clear that his mother is uniquely beautiful and has turned interested men away plenty of times. My hope is that the reader will assume one of two things - a man would not take no for an answer and returned drunk or high and did the deed or one of the MC's enemies did it. Neither is true but it's important that no one knows who actually did it.
 

Scalvi

Scribe
Yeah, like Steerpike, it can work. It seems like you can do almost anything in writing if you're a decent enough author. Even just hinting at trouble in the area, maybe some "random" banter between non-entities in lulls of dialogue, would be enough of a set up.
 

Trick

Auror
I hope I'm decent enough to pull it off. I'm aiming for a sign post but feel like every clue is a billboard since I know whodunnit. I'll have to test it against some alpha readers. Anyone with experience writing mystery or mystery-esque works is welcome to hit me with some knowledge on this one.
 

Caged Maiden

Staff
Article Team
Editors and agents often say "Do not worry about being too obvious. If you give away clues that are too big, your editor will catch them and correct it in a moment. If you write a confusing and too-subtle plot, you'll lose your reader's interest (which is usually the agent-who's-reading-it's) because he'll be confused." I think that's really good advice. I'm writing a pretty twisty, subtle story, and what I thought was a siren blaring in my readers' faces, was to them, a gentle whisper of foreshadowing. Never be afraid of being too obvious because editing will be easier if you're starting with a clear, decisive, forthright story, and throwing in a touch more subtlety if THAT is called for, which it usually isn't. Hope that helps.
 
C

Chessie

Guest
Trick, that series of events actually sounds awesome. Let the ball roll where it will. Its better than having a boring story, right? :)
 

skip.knox

toujours gai, archie
Moderator
Trick, I see a problem in the opposite direction. You've told all about how the death of the mother is the key event. Presumably it's the pursuit of her killer that lands him in prison.

The dangling thread here, is the death of the mentor. That's the bit that feels contrived to me. Does the mentor figure into all this? Ideally, the mentor would be the one who killed his mother, and the mentor's murderer would be the one the MC wrongly accuses of killing his mother. That'd be downright Victorian.

But if the mentor's death is merely to give the MC something dramatic to do at the beginning, show us around the world, etc., then you might consider removing it and see what you have left.
 

Trick

Auror
Actually, the mentor dying happens in chapter 15. He is a well established character by the time he dies. His death is appropriate in my view because he is a professional thief and they are betrayed to the 'police' who are really more like Judge Dredd in their duties. His betrayer is the object of the revenge.

The MC believes the two deaths to be unrelated and doesn't figure out until much later that his mentor's death directly led to his mother's murder. The HOW I will keep to myself :)
 

AliceS

Acolyte
A couple of thoughts - first of all, remember to let the reader breathe. If you pile too much on them at once they become desensitized. After the first death, let the character grieve so that the reader can experience the loss more clearly. If he comes back in triumph from his vengeance, to the subsequent death, it feel all the more horrible.

There's a rule of thumb about a try-fail cycle. If the MC goes off and kills the murderer in one try it may feel trite to the reader. A perfect try-fail cycle is 3. You can get away with two if it isn't the ultimate confrontation, but it works better with three.

And speaking of 3's...remember to drop your clues more than once. I've found that at least 3 mentions of facts are needed to anchor them in the reader's brain. I described a character in the first chapter of my book - hair, eyes, build - and a reader told me it there was no description of him in the book. Another character, who I mentioned his white hair and pale blue eyes several times, was fine. It may feel like recapping, but there is a reason that happens in mysteries, the reader needs to catch up.
 

SeverinR

Vala
I think showing the cause of the spiral is reasonable.
Now a sequence of unfortunate events in the middle of the story unrelated to the plot might be problematic or seem like a dumping syndrome.
In real life, dumps like this do happen. But in reading people like to digest one emotional event or two, before getting hit with another and another.
But at the start you take a person and send them to rock bottom and tell how they come back.

I will agree with Steerpike, if you can write it well, it will probably work.

Tri-fail? I think killing a sub-villain wouldn't count in the tri-fail. There is a tri-conquest. Kill the sub-villians as a lead up to the "Main event". Then win or lose, there was a build up to the event. Maybe even have the "hero" believe one or more of the Sub-villians are the main event but figure out that there is one better, that must be dealt with. The hated villian was but a flunky.
 
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