Quick word question. Is this word common?

[T.Allen.Smith]

I'm going to disagree with Mythopoet & BWF. I understand where they're coming from, but I think "loaded syringe" works better because it makes the reader ask an immediate question:

What's in the syringe?

That's a nice little hook that keeps me reading to the point where you talk about needing the victim unconscious for a magic ritual of some sort. That raises the next question. Now I want to know, "What kind of magic?"

That, in my opinion, is a well-timed and written string of questions that continually pique my interest and then give me some payoff, just in time for the next raise in my curiosity.

But, of course, you know from past critiques I'm the "less is more" type.

I like PenPilot's idea, but calling it Hydroxyzine doesn't help much. Might as well call it a soporific at that point.

I have a feeling that all these contrary opinions may only make your choice more difficult.

I like this excerpt. Keep at it.

 

[Trick]

I'm going to disagree with Mythopoet & BWF. I understand where they're coming from, but I think "loaded syringe" works better because it makes the reader ask an immediate question:

What's in the syringe?

That's what I said. Boy, I'm glad I'm not crazy.

I like this excerpt. Keep at it.

Thanks for this. It's been a bear. BWF has HELPED me get it more tense, ALL CAPS intentional, but I don't want to go outside my own likes and dislikes.

I have a feeling that all these contrary opinions may only make your choice more difficult.

Yes and no. If I think one way works better and others agree, it helps me know that I'm not way off base.

 

[Incanus]

Boy, I'm glad I'm not crazy.

Of course, you still might very well be--just not for this reason...

 

[Penpilot]

And the issue with using drug names is that this is not on earth so I'd have to make up a name, which doesn't add clarity. It would be like you asking about what I'm drinking and I say 'Flula' and then you'd still be like, what's that?

To me, I see two ways to address this. First, you can find a way to introduce the point that say "Flula" is a sedative earlier on in the story. Second, you could give it a descriptive nickname. Flula-filled syringe. Flula, common street name, the deep slumber. I mean even in our world, I bet there are people who don't know what amphetamine is. But when you call it by it's street name, Speed, it doesn't matter because the name says enough.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Just a thought:

"Haimes Dotson clutched a letter in his fists,wanting nothing more than to tear the paper to bits. But as the elevator slowed he mastered his emotions and stuffed it into his jacket’s breast pocket instead, careful to avoid the syringe loaded with sleepy time juice."

By the way - why is the syringe uncapped? You never leave them uncapped.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Trick]

To me, I see two ways to address this. First, you can find a way to introduce the point that say "Flula" is a sedative earlier on in the story. Second, you could give it a descriptive nickname. Flula-filled syringe. Flula, common street name, the deep slumber. I mean even in our world, I bet there are people who don't know what amphetamine is. But when you call it by it's street name, Speed, it doesn't matter because the name says enough.

This syringe is in the second sentence of the book. I agree with you otherwise but there is simply no 'earlier on in the story.'

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk

 

[Trick]

Hi,

Just a thought:

"Haimes Dotson clutched a letter in his fists,wanting nothing more than to tear the paper to bits. But as the elevator slowed he mastered his emotions and stuffed it into his jacket’s breast pocket instead, careful to avoid the syringe loaded with sleepy time juice."

By the way - why is the syringe uncapped? You never leave them uncapped.

Cheers, Greg.

The character would not call it that. But a more... doctorly slang term would work.

This book is Victorian in style, with a very recent, very extreme burst of technology. Capping syringes is far more recent than syringes themselves so I think it fits.

Sent from my LG-H631 using Tapatalk

 

[skip.knox]

I had a problem with "soporific-loaded" from the start because the word is an adjective, not a noun. How do you load a syringe with an adjective? OTOH, no one else seems to have had that issue, so perhaps it's just me.

[Aside: did you ever notice that whenever someone says it's a quick question, the answers never are?]

 

[Penpilot]

[Aside: did you ever notice that whenever someone says it's a quick question, the answers never are?]

Expecting a writer to be terse with their answers is like expecting a child to goto willingly to sleep exactly at their bed time.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Expecting a writer to be terse with their answers is like expecting a child to goto willingly to sleep exactly at their bed time.

What do you mean? I always did that when I was little.
Now though. Kids these days I tell you.

 

[FifthView]

I think it's good to name/describe what's in the syringe in the second sentence. There is still mystery because, for a short bit thereafter, the question of why he'd have the syringe in his pocket lingers in the reader's mind.

I did have a slight stumble/fumble with the fact that "Rubbing his face to relieve the pain" is mentioned so soon after introduction of the syringe. It led me, for that span, to think that maybe the syringe was for himself. (I.e., a self-medicating doctor.) Perhaps a jaw condition keeps him from being able to sleep well? —etc.

The construction you are using for the syringe is a little cumbersome. Couldn't you revise how you deliver that information, maybe to something like:

Haimes Dotson clutched a letter in his fists, as the elevator slowed, about to tear the paper to bits. He stuffed it into his jacket’s breast pocket instead, careful to avoid the syringe with the soporific beading at its tip.​

—well, two "it" appearances might be slightly confusing, but you get the idea.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Haimes Dotson clutched a letter in his fists, as the elevator slowed, about to tear the paper to bits. He stuffed it into his jacket's breast pocket instead, careful to avoid the syringe with the soporific beading at its tip.

But, then we'd have a POV issue. If the syringe is in his pocket, how can he see liquid beading on the needle's tip?

I know what you mean, though. Just picking nits.

This writing gig sure can be hard.

 

[FifthView]

But, then we'd have a POV issue. If the syringe is in his pocket, how can he see liquid beading on the needle's tip?

I know what you mean, though. Just picking nits.

This writing gig sure can be hard.

Ah true, but he may know it's beading there, from when he put it in his pocket. (I.e., a constant state may be 'seen' or known to exist already.) [This is called nit-jujitsu. Or not, hah.]

 

[Trick]

I had a problem with "soporific-loaded" from the start because the word is an adjective, not a noun. How do you load a syringe with an adjective? OTOH, no one else seems to have had that issue, so perhaps it's just me.

[Aside: did you ever notice that whenever someone says it's a quick question, the answers never are?]

It's also a noun:

sop·o·rif·ic
ˌsäpəˈrifik/Submit

adjective

1.
tending to induce drowsiness or sleep.
"the motion of the train had a somewhat soporific effect"

noun

1.
a drug or other agent that induces sleep.
synonyms: sleeping pill, sedative, calmative, tranquilizer, narcotic, opiate; hypnotic
"she was given a soporific"

I think it's good to name/describe what's in the syringe in the second sentence. There is still mystery because, for a short bit thereafter, the question of why he'd have the syringe in his pocket lingers in the reader's mind.

I did have a slight stumble/fumble with the fact that "Rubbing his face to relieve the pain" is mentioned so soon after introduction of the syringe. It led me, for that span, to think that maybe the syringe was for himself. (I.e., a self-medicating doctor.) Perhaps a jaw condition keeps him from being able to sleep well? —etc.

I think I've decided to leave just 'loaded syringe' and then let the PoV's angst about using it on his friend carry the reader to the next question.

Good point on the 'relieve the pain' bit. I've cut it to just 'Rubbing his face,' which should remove the confusion.

But, then we'd have a POV issue. If the syringe is in his pocket, how can he see liquid beading on the needle's tip?

I know what you mean, though. Just picking nits.

This writing gig sure can be hard.

More than that, if liquid was beading at the tip of the needle in his pocket it would get absorbed by the fabric.

 

[Trick]

Thanks to all who helped answer my question. If you're interested, I've posted the newest version of this piece in the showcase, under Darkling Sun - Prologue. There are several old versions in there so please skip those and just read the newest. I'd love some thoughts, opinions, suggestions and, most of all, brutal honesty.

 

[BWFoster78]

Hahaha. Sorry, I laugh at myself not you. It originally was just 'syringe' and BWFoster advised that I tell what's in it. He thought I was holding back information instead of creating mystery.

The context of my comment wasn't to actually tell the reader what was in the syringe as much as it was to clearly indicate the POV's intent to use the syringe to knock out the other character.

Note that introducing a syringe and not telling it's contents isn't a problem. The issue is that there was no tension in the scene as it was written. I simply was trying to have you use the syringe to introduce tension.

 

[Asura Levi]

I would have to take its meaning from the context. But then again, English is not my first language, only being using for the past 8 years (more heavily on the past 3).
I suppose it's one of the thousands common words that I just didn't had the pleasure to met before, so hooray, +1 word added to dictionary, thanks.

 

[Trick]

The context of my comment wasn't to actually tell the reader what was in the syringe as much as it was to clearly indicate the POV's intent to use the syringe to knock out the other character.

Note that introducing a syringe and not telling it's contents isn't a problem. The issue is that there was no tension in the scene as it was written. I simply was trying to have you use the syringe to introduce tension.

Fair enough. I probably mixed up the reason for that comment with the reason for another. The end result was showing the intent of the syringe more clearly, which worked out great, so thanks!