The Blurb for Faerie Rising: The First Book of Binding

[A. E. Lowan]

So, yesterday a kind soul in one of the bigger groups I'm in on FB, Fans of Urban Fantasy, pointed out that I am very stupid and forgot, for whatever reason, to mention that the FMC we focus on is a trauma surgeon, as well as a wizard. And she's right, it's a huge missed opportunity. So I'm taking another swing at it. This is Pass #1. Still a bit wordy, thinking on that, but I hope it also still flows well. Thoughts?

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a Potion Master, and a trauma surgeon with a very private clinic in Seahaven, WA, standing alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, the young wizard is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on a Harley who claim that her city is harboring a fugitive who holds a sidhe prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

Winter must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping, discover the cause of the surges of wild magic tearing open rifts between realms across her city, and navigate the deadly waters of preternatural politics before Seahaven both figuratively and literally rips itself apart.

 

[pmmg]

If Potion Master is capitalized, shouldn't Trauma Surgeon be as well?

 

[Finchbearer]

It feels like Nurse Jackie, but fantasy, and I’m a big Nurse Jackie fan. Anyway, I would love to know how to pronounce ‘Mulcahy’ please?

I don’t feel qualified to give critical thoughts on the actual blurb, other than it feels fast paced enough to feel very urban fantasy-esque.

 

[pmmg]

Mul Cay hee?

Think that is the same as on M*A*S*H.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Mul Cay hee?

Think that is the same as on M*A*S*H.

That's it exactly. And Potion Master is capitalized because it's a title, but trauma surgeon is a job, like we don't capitalize doctor. And there ends my grammar knowledge. lol

 

[A. E. Lowan]

It feels like Nurse Jackie, but fantasy, and I’m a big Nurse Jackie fan. Anyway, I would love to know how to pronounce ‘Mulcahy’ please?

I don’t feel qualified to give critical thoughts on the actual blurb, other than it feels fast paced enough to feel very urban fantasy-esque.

Perfect. That's just the thoughts and feels I need for this. <3

 

[pmmg]

It looks off to me to have the one capitalized and the other two not. If the one is important enough to be capitalized, it should be more important than wizard.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

It looks off to me to have the one capitalized and the other two not. If the one is important enough to be capitalized, it should be more important than wizard.

I think that's reasonable. I can make that work. Good think!

 

[Jackarandajam]

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a Potion Master, and a trauma surgeon with a very private clinic in Seahaven, WA, standing alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, the young wizard is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on a Harley who claim that her city is harboring a fugitive who holds a sidhe prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

Winter must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping, discover the cause of the surges of wild magic tearing open rifts between realms across her city, and navigate the deadly waters of preternatural politics before Seahaven both figuratively and literally rips itself apart.

I really like the "skin, blood, addiction" line... have you considered using it as the opening hook sentence, swapped with the first?
Also maybe starting the last paragraph at "The young wizard," so the more plot-specific bits are all together and the first serves more as a character intro.
Honestly it sounds great as is.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I really like the "skin, blood, addiction" line... have you considered using it as the opening hook sentence, swapped with the first?
Also maybe starting the last paragraph at "The young wizard," so the more plot-specific bits are all together and the first serves more as a character intro.
Honestly it sounds great as is.

Those are all good suggestions. I'll fiddle with it and test the flow. It may be just what we need to perk it up a bit. Thanks!

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Okay, great thinks all around and lots of input to incorporate into the revision. This is shaping up beautifully. Pass #2. How do we read? Any little things to pick at? Thanks all for the help. You're finding things I can't see any more from looking at it so long.

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with a very private clinic in Seahaven, WA, standing alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley who claim that her city is harboring a fugitive who holds a sidhe prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

The young wizard physician must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping, discover the cause of the surges of wild magic tearing open rifts between realms across her city, and navigate the deadly waters of preternatural politics before Seahaven both figuratively and literally rips itself apart.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

I'm not digging the repetition of "preternatural" here.

"very private" comes off a tad weak.

"her city" makes me wonder. Not a big deal, but feels melodramatic or some such since the city is named previously.

The quick repetition of "sidhe" could also be avoided.

In an ideal world, I'd like to see the "surges of wild magic" introduced earlier as they come as an important "huh?" in paragraph 2.

"both figuratively and literally rips itself apart" could be amped up. It isn't bad, I can hear the voiceover and it's okay, but the whole could be made better by dealing with this ultimate threat in a more dramatic way.

I think you could add some more seductive details to the blurb while eradicating weaker points. And if this is an Amazon blurb, it isn't all that wordy.

So, yesterday a kind soul in one of the bigger groups I'm in on FB, Fans of Urban Fantasy, pointed out that I am very stupid and forgot, for whatever reason, to mention that the FMC we focus on is a trauma surgeon, as well as a wizard. And she's right, it's a huge missed opportunity. So I'm taking another swing at it. This is Pass #1. Still a bit wordy, thinking on that, but I hope it also still flows well. Thoughts?

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a Potion Master, and a trauma surgeon with a very private clinic in Seahaven, WA, standing alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, the young wizard is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on a Harley who claim that her city is harborings a fugitive who holds a sidhe prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

Winter must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping, discover the cause of the surges of wild magic tearing open rifts between realms across her city, and navigate the deadly waters of preternatural politics before Seahaven both figuratively and literally rips itself apart.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I'm not digging the repetition of "preternatural" here.

"very private" comes off a tad weak.

"her city" makes me wonder. Not a big deal, but feels melodramatic or some such since the city is named previously.

The quick repetition of "sidhe" could also be avoided.

In an ideal world, I'd like to see the "surges of wild magic" introduced earlier as they come as an important "huh?" in paragraph 2.

"both figuratively and literally rips itself apart" could be amped up. It isn't bad, I can hear the voiceover and it's okay, but the whole could be made better by dealing with this ultimate threat in a more dramatic way.

I think you could add some more seductive details to the blurb while eradicating weaker points. And if this is an Amazon blurb, it isn't all that wordy.

Sweetness! Lots and lots of good thinks to work with. Thank you so much! And yeah, it's an Amazon blurb. I know you've got more blurbs under your belt than I do and I really appreciate you chiming in.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

When in doubt, try getting a little more in their face. Did I succeed? Pass #3

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together against threats old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a fugitive from Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

The young wizard physician must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping and successfully navigate the unpredictable waters of local politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

The Blurb is a wicked game that may be the writer's version of Kaboyashi Maru. You just never know what's going to click.

Sweetness! Lots and lots of good thinks to work with. Thank you so much! And yeah, it's an Amazon blurb. I know you've got more blurbs under your belt than I do and I really appreciate you chiming in.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Okay, here's another quick thought... and this is annoying because I like the line in general, but it is a "breath-holder" by which I mean it kind of pauses any visual story in the head. Introductory clauses always do.

"While holding the city together against threats old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her," Whew! I can breathe again! then Winter is approached, passivity after a long opening to the sentence. Maybe soemthing akin to:

She holds the city together against threats (evils? This is also a good place for some detail rather than generic; can the surges of wild magic make a dramatic entrance?) old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants killing her one high (jab, puff, pill) at a time, and that's before two sidhe lords on Harleys accuse her of harboring a fugitive who holds their prince captive. To prove her innocence and spare Seahaven from yet another terror, she must help rescue the boy.

Now, I've only read part of the book, and that was some time ago, so I am taking liberties with the plot a little, but that's also a bit common in blurbs. The above is just one of a hundred possibilities, anyhow. Someday, I will read again and finish, heh heh.

Next para: "The young wizard physician" is a tad redundant when #1 opens with wizard, potion master, and trauma surgeon. Redundancy might work, or it might be a waste of words.

"Winter must investigate this fugitive... Yawn! Sales pitch, not a technical rundown; yes, I must remind myself of this constantly. I suck at it on the first through 30th pass. Winter investigates... Details please. Introduce our potential villain or red herring, something juicy. A bit like introducing a love interest in a romance. If blurbing Star Wars, you wouldn't want to call Darth Vader a man in black, nor Han Solo "a smuggler" heh heh. No, no. You could write a hundred ways to blurb Darth as well as Mr. Solo.

If you can get the wild magic surges in there and make it work for you, do it. That can be part of an effective sales pitch.

When in doubt, try getting a little more in their face. Did I succeed? Pass #3

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together against threats old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a fugitive from Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

The young wizard physician must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping and successfully navigate the unpredictable waters of local politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Okay, here's another quick thought... and this is annoying because I like the line in general, but it is a "breath-holder" by which I mean it kind of pauses any visual story in the head. Introductory clauses always do.

"While holding the city together against threats old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her," Whew! I can breathe again! then Winter is approached, passivity after a long opening to the sentence. Maybe soemthing akin to:

She holds the city together against threats (evils? This is also a good place for some detail rather than generic; can the surges of wild magic make a dramatic entrance?) old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants killing her one high (jab, puff, pill) at a time, and that's before two sidhe lords on Harleys accuse her of harboring a fugitive who holds their prince captive. To prove her innocence and spare Seahaven from yet another terror, she must help rescue the boy.

Now, I've only read part of the book, and that was some time ago, so I am taking liberties with the plot a little, but that's also a bit common in blurbs. The above is just one of a hundred possibilities, anyhow. Someday, I will read again and finish, heh heh.

Next para: "The young wizard physician" is a tad redundant when #1 opens with wizard, potion master, and trauma surgeon. Redundancy might work, or it might be a waste of words.

"Winter must investigate this fugitive... Yawn! Sales pitch, not a technical rundown; yes, I must remind myself of this constantly. I suck at it on the first through 30th pass. Winter investigates... Details please. Introduce our potential villain or red herring, something juicy. A bit like introducing a love interest in a romance. If blurbing Star Wars, you wouldn't want to call Darth Vader a man in black, nor Han Solo "a smuggler" heh heh. No, no. You could write a hundred ways to blurb Darth as well as Mr. Solo.

If you can get the wild magic surges in there and make it work for you, do it. That can be part of an effective sales pitch.

Awesomesauce. I've got my work cut out for me, then. Thanks for coming back at this. And now, back to the word mines for me!

 

[Demesnedenoir]

Hopefully, something I say sparks something useful. Blurbs are a pain in the ass.

Awesomesauce. I've got my work cut out for me, then. Thanks for coming back at this. And now, back to the word mines for me!

 

[Prince of Spires]

successfully navigate the unpredictable waters of local politics

Just to jump in, but this line defused a lot of the tension building up in the blurb for me.

We go from escalating violence, to blood of her friends and addiction, to daring rescue mission, which is a great build up. And then we go to local politics? I know the Seahaven politics is interesting to say the least, but the blurb reader doesn't. And then there are few things less exciting than local politics.

Another thought, but I'm missing why Winter should care about the kidnapping. Of course she'll help, because she's a good person, but why would she put her life in danger for some people she doesn't know to rescue someone else she doesn't know? What are the stakes for her?

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Just to jump in, but this line defused a lot of the tension building up in the blurb for me.

We go from escalating violence, to blood of her friends and addiction, to daring rescue mission, which is a great build up. And then we go to local politics? I know the Seahaven politics is interesting to say the least, but the blurb reader doesn't. And then there are few things less exciting than local politics.

Another thought, but I'm missing why Winter should care about the kidnapping. Of course she'll help, because she's a good person, but why would she put her life in danger for some people she doesn't know to rescue someone else she doesn't know? What are the stakes for her?

Those are very good questions, and you're right, it's obvious to us but not for someone just joining the party. <3