I agree about the breath-holding. The opening sentence feels more strung out than punchy.
>Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos.
Two things, one sort of grammatical and the other is substantive.
First, we have Winter who is a this, a that, and another. This person has a clinic ... "who stands alone"...
In my mind, we wind up with the clinic standing alone between forces. Is it really important that we know, right in the very first sentence, that this person has a clinic? And that it is hidden? And that it's in Seahaven? On that last point, if this were the second or subsequent book, I can see a callback along the lines of "return to Seahaven and Winter Mulcahy's clinic" or some such. But for the first in the series, it doesn't feel important to know the town name. Or state.
Second, "escalating violence" is good. That gets attention. "Preternatural population" is a bit of a mouthful. Having read the book, I know that's a story-specific term so I can let that go and figure a new reader will mostly just slide over it. But on one side we have the preternaturals and on the other side we have total chaos.
That stops me. Over here is violence in a population and over there is total chaos. So, violence and worse violence? What is Winter actually standing between? What's she trying to save and trying to prevent? As I remember it--and apologies in advance--it's that the escalating violence is a sort of harbinger of worse coming. More than standing between, she's trying to hold back a chaos that threatens her whole world.
A couple other comments. One, In the final paragraph you call her a "young wizard physician". You could shift that to "a wizard and trauma surgeon" and use that as the descriptor in the opening. Winter Mulcahy, a young wizard and trauma surgeon" or "... who is also a trauma surgeon" -- and ask yourself if much is lost if we leave out the potion master. We see the potion shop very early (I love the potion shop), so does it *need* to be in the blurb? I dunno.
More than one person didn't care for "local politics". Would that be local demon politics? Or maybe just "local factions" and let the reader imagine who those might be? I do agree that "local politics" feels like a shift in focus to mundane matters at City Hall. I also agree that we need a villain. Tears in reality are appearing and she can't stitch them up fast enough. What's behind it all?
>Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos.
Two things, one sort of grammatical and the other is substantive.
First, we have Winter who is a this, a that, and another. This person has a clinic ... "who stands alone"...
In my mind, we wind up with the clinic standing alone between forces. Is it really important that we know, right in the very first sentence, that this person has a clinic? And that it is hidden? And that it's in Seahaven? On that last point, if this were the second or subsequent book, I can see a callback along the lines of "return to Seahaven and Winter Mulcahy's clinic" or some such. But for the first in the series, it doesn't feel important to know the town name. Or state.
Second, "escalating violence" is good. That gets attention. "Preternatural population" is a bit of a mouthful. Having read the book, I know that's a story-specific term so I can let that go and figure a new reader will mostly just slide over it. But on one side we have the preternaturals and on the other side we have total chaos.
That stops me. Over here is violence in a population and over there is total chaos. So, violence and worse violence? What is Winter actually standing between? What's she trying to save and trying to prevent? As I remember it--and apologies in advance--it's that the escalating violence is a sort of harbinger of worse coming. More than standing between, she's trying to hold back a chaos that threatens her whole world.
A couple other comments. One, In the final paragraph you call her a "young wizard physician". You could shift that to "a wizard and trauma surgeon" and use that as the descriptor in the opening. Winter Mulcahy, a young wizard and trauma surgeon" or "... who is also a trauma surgeon" -- and ask yourself if much is lost if we leave out the potion master. We see the potion shop very early (I love the potion shop), so does it *need* to be in the blurb? I dunno.
More than one person didn't care for "local politics". Would that be local demon politics? Or maybe just "local factions" and let the reader imagine who those might be? I do agree that "local politics" feels like a shift in focus to mundane matters at City Hall. I also agree that we need a villain. Tears in reality are appearing and she can't stitch them up fast enough. What's behind it all?
Thank you all for putting so much thought into this blurb. I can't tell you how much it means to be... which is ironic, being a writer and with the words and stuff. Maybe coffee?
Myth Weaver
Istar
