The Line Between Thoughtful and Trite (Help?)

[Mindfire]

I had one of those inspiration bursts today and managed to jot the idea down before it escaped me. Please not that it's not so much a scene as it is some raw dialogue between my main character and a secondary character he forms a lifelong friendship with. Or at least that's the plan. I will denote them MC and SC for now*. This comes at a part in the book where MC observes scars on SC's back and leg. MC inquires about the scars, and this dialogue follows:

MC: “How did you get those scars?”
SC: “An ursine** took a swipe at me. I was quick. That’s why I’m still alive. But not quite quick enough.”
MC: “That must have been painful.”
SC: “It was. Very. Our people have the ability to heal without scars. But some we keep. I choose to keep these.”
MC: “Why?”
SC: “So I remember. And so you will listen to me when I warn you about ursines or anything else. Wounds are painful. Scars are ugly. But they help make us who we are. So I choose to remember.”
MC: “I have scars too.”
​

Yeah, I know. Ick. But I think buried underneath the cheese is a really good moment here and I want very much to include it. Any suggestions on bringing a statue out of this block of marble? Any general thoughts about the line between thoughtful and trite or pretentious?




*The details about the characters' identities are scant because I'd like first opinions to be unbiased. But I will gladly give more details (setting, character traits, role in the plot, etc.) upon request.

**Think "enormous wolverine crossed with a grizzly bear and a giant sloth". They encountered one earlier.

 

[Penpilot]

I actually think this is pretty nice. But it could be tightened, there's some repetition and stating of the obvious, stuff you can remove without loss of meaning. I think you can get rid of the following bits and it becomes stronger.

"That's why I'm alive."

"That must have been very painful."
“It was. Very."

" But some we keep."

"So I choose to remember."

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I agree and don't find it cheesy at all. I do feel some familiarity like I've read or heard something similar but I can't place it. I wouldn't let that stop you from using it though.

When you refine the dialogue with the context of character action, it will feel more real & alive. For example, when the scars are first noticed the normal reaction might be embarrassment at a disfigurement or anger at someone noticing the injuries. But this character puffs her chest out with pride when explaining them (not sure why I picture the character female - maybe because in our society scars are more acceptable on men which adds a level of depth?). Those types of actions that may be slightly off what the reader expects, add to the deeper meaning of why the scars are important.

 

[Mindfire]

I agree and don't find it cheesy at all. I do feel some familiarity like I've read or heard something similar but I can't place it. I wouldn't let that stop you from using it though.

When you refine the dialogue with the context of character action, it will feel more real & alive. For example, when the scars are first noticed the normal reaction might be embarrassment at a disfigurement or anger at someone noticing the injuries. But this character puffs her chest out with pride when explaining them (not sure why I picture the character female - maybe because in our society scars are more acceptable on men which adds a level of depth?). Those types of actions that may be slightly off what the reader expects, add to the deeper meaning of why the scars are important.

Spoiler: character info

Actually, SC is a woman. It's uncanny that you guessed that. Maybe it means I'm starting to better learn her voice. Her name is Maya. I plan to reveal that she and the main character, Reuben, are married a few years later in the sequel. But this work focuses only on the beginning of their friendship. Mostly because I want to avoid the cliche 2-day romance. But I wanted to subtly foreshadow that they share an important bond.

One line appeared in my original version of this dialogue that I left out here. When Maya says "scars are ugly", Reuben interrupts and says something to the effect of "I don't think yours are". Not sure if I'm keeping that part or not. I left it out here because of the no-bias thing. But I think the exchange actually reads better without it.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I think it reads better without as well. There's a lot that's communicated through saying less in this case.

 

[JCFarnham]

“That must have been painful.”

It looks like Reuben likes to state the obvious. It might just be my style talking but I wouldn't have said that in dialogue, I'd have Reuben wince.

In this case the dialogue felt a little stilted, like someone flatly saying "ouch, that hurt" instead of crying in pain.

Other than that, the important part of this exchange for me is where Maya indicates she chose to remember. It's telling of her culture (they prefer to forget?) and it shows she is deeper than appearances, thinks long term perhaps.

Might this work?:
"Scars are ugly. But I chose to remember."

Briefer does the same thing. I'm not sure I'd want to talk at length about scarring.

For a conversation about scars and the danger of messing with ursine, her parts run on quite long. I also think Reuben could be a little more involved, passed the short, sharp questions (that could be something left for the prose, rather than the dialogue of course). Don't forget, the little actions tell us an awful lot about a character. Resist the urge for their dialogue to explain it flat.

MC: reaches out to trace the scar with a finger.
SC: flinched aways
-ursine convo, with importance of rememberence-

If you're looking to show that forming bond between them, is it most certainly the actions that are important, the touches, or whatever.

 

[shangrila]

I think it feels a little stilted but, as JC pointed out, it's more because it's just dialogue. There's no body language so you have to compensate with the dialogue. Aside from that I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

[Mindfire]

Thanks for the tips. Reuben is a bit of a Vulcan though, so short responses are typical... unless he's gone full tilt into sarcasm mode. Then it's all quips and scathing remarks. He states the obvious because he's not very good at empathizing, but he's making an obvious effort to do so here in order to fit in with a new culture.

 

[Mindfire]

Actually I take that back. Reuben is logical, brusque, and a little cold at times, but he's not a Vulcan. He has little patience for contemplation.

 

[JCFarnham]

Just remember this: Anything works, anything goes, as long as you can back it up.

 

[Dan Latham]

The last line was quite provocative, I thought. As a reader I would certainly want to learn more about the MC.

I imagine these characters as warriors and there language would be subsequently terse. Other commenters mentioned a few lines that could be removed and I agree.

I also agree a little body language would go a long way toward improving the scene. "That must have hurt," does sound a little trite by itself. If the other character lays a finger on an especially deep scar and says "That must have hurt," there is a layer of sub text.

There is definitely a Venus in that block of marble.