Writing help? Editing.

[PrincessaMiranda]

Alright, so my stories sounds pretty good, but I feel I put too many commas and 'ands'. Was hoping someone had tips or something for me to smooth out my sentences. Im drowning in a sea of commas.

HELP!

 

[Ireth]

It's a bit hard to give you a concrete tip without an example of how you overuse commas and ands. You can always post your work here in the Showcase if you're in need of critique. I'm sure many of us here would be only too happy to help you out.

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

I have one in my portfolio that I am editing right now. I like to put in a lot of description.

Here's an excerpt:

I danced. All of the tension and rage I had felt before poured out of me, I let go of the world and gyrated my body with an abandon I had experienced in my boxed-in life. The song switched to a faster beat, and like a Sirens song it moved my body. I danced harder and faster, rolling my hips and moving my feet as though I was under a spell. The world spun around in a multicolor blur. I was wild.

Something hit my foot hard enough to make me stumble, right into a strangers arms. I lifted my head, cleared the disheveled hair from my eyes and gasped. His eyes were locked onto mine and it felt as though the world had skipped a beat. Or was it my heart?

Deep and dark, they drew me in and refused to surrender. His pale face was smooth, strong jawed and completely flawless. Among the red pink and white revelers he wore a dark red silk shirt and black pants. If they wore the colors of love, he wore the colors of lust. Long dark hair fell over his shoulders, pinned up in a half ponytail, a style I would mock in another situation.

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

That is recently edited, but some other sentences have two or three commas that I feel arent relevant to the structure.

like this:

Slamming the empty glass on the counter I stood; ready to dance, ready to be wild again, until I saw the man with lust written all over him. I started forward, reaching my hand out towards him, and the world became black.

 

[Ireth]

I really like this passage, though you're right, it does need some grammatical work. Here are some suggestions:

"...poured out of me, I let go..." I'd replace the comma in there with a semicolon. (Also, the "had" seems to not make sense; how can she feel abandon if her life is boxed-in? Did you mean to say "hadn't"?)

"The song switched to a faster beat, and like a Sirens song it moved my body." How about: "The song switched to a faster beat -- it moved my body like a Siren's song."

"His eyes were locked onto mine and it felt as though the world had skipped a beat." "His eyes were locked onto mine -- it felt as though the world had skipped a beat." I think a dash would work nicely there in the context of skipping a beat, a sudden stop and start.

Great stuff, keep it up!

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

"...poured out of me, I let go..." I'd replace the comma in there with a semicolon. (Also, the "had" seems to not make sense; how can she feel abandon if her life is boxed-in? Did you mean to say "hadn't"?)

Yes I meant hadn't. I hate those typos, they're the hardest to catch and ruin an entire paragraph.

"The song switched to a faster beat, and like a Sirens song it moved my body." How about: "The song switched to a faster beat -- it moved my body like a Siren's song."

That does sound better. Sometimes all a story needs is a fresh pair of eyes.

"His eyes were locked onto mine and it felt as though the world had skipped a beat." "His eyes were locked onto mine -- it felt as though the world had skipped a beat." I think a dash would work nicely there in the context of skipping a beat, a sudden stop and start.

Yeah, Im not great at grammar, though I try with what I know. I didnt even know you could do that with dashes. I suppose I should have finished my school.

 

[Ireth]

Looking at my examples again, using two dashes in the same short section seems a bit much. A colon might work better at "The song switched to a faster beat," or you could just keep the comma intact and get rid of the "and". "The song switched to a faster beat, moving my body like a Siren's song."

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

that is exactly what I did.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Commas can be your friend. My advice is to pull a few things together and shorten some thoughts. Using a quicker cadence of language can help to make the reading faster, giving the reader a sense of speed.

In reading the first paragraph I think your goal is to make the reader feel the exhilaration of your character. I re-wrote the passage (I did it very quickly so if it doesn't work...) hoping to illustrate my point. Hope you're okay with that....

I danced. All of the tension and rage I felt before poured out. I let go of the world i knew, my boxed-in life, gyrating with abandon. The music switched to a faster beat. Like a Siren's song it forced my movements. Harder and faster I rolled my hips, moving my feet as though under a spell. The world spun in a multicolor blur. I was wild.

Short quick sentences, increasing a sense of speed.

My advice is to look at each paragraph & ask yourself what it is meant to accomplish. Design the wording, the dialogue, the narrative cadence to aid that goal. Match how the passage reads to the goal of the paragraph.

Personally, I don't care much for semicolons & dashes (unless used to indicate an interruption of dialogue). In my opinion they are jarring to the reader where commas are not. In the above example I don't think it's about comma use as much as it is being concise and concrete with your language (cutting unnecessary words) & establishing the right cadence of language.

Hope that helps.

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

Ive always tried to avoid short sentences, if only for the fact that my teachers all drummed it into me to do so. 'it has to be a complete thought.' was heard a lot.

but I like most of what you re-did. short and sweet.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Ive always tried to avoid short sentences, if only for the fact that my teachers all drummed it into me to do so. 'it has to be a complete thought.' was heard a lot.

but I like most of what you re-did. short and sweet.

I understand that teaching method is out there but a complete thought, in literary terms, is a properly constructed sentence. It has little to do with length & more to do with structure. One of the most famous short sentences in the world "Jesus wept." - is a complete thought & a fine sentence.

However, I just want to stress the main point - how the passage is read. Varying your sentence lengths to manage the cadence of reading can greatly increase the emotional quality of your writing. Short, quick sentences can increase tension & excitement if done well. On the other side of the scale, if you wanted to slow things down, longer sentences are effective in helping that effort. A continuous repetition of long sentences written in a similar structure can hypnotize the reader (into a pattern) which can be snapped with a short sentence for effect (be cautious with repetition tho, most times we don't want to lull the reader into any pattern).

It's just another tool to employ. A subtle one that can have unconscious impact, which I think, is pretty cool.

 

[PrincessaMiranda]

I never thought of it that way, but now that I think about it I notice that in the better stories ive read. That is some great advice, and I know it will help me to become an even better writer!